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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking woman my OH works with is behaving inappropriately?

64 replies

StephFx · 12/07/2016 11:48

My partner has recently mentioned a few things to me about his new PA who started within his company a couple of months ago and they are starting to get to me... AIBU in being totally pissed off here? So OH came home the other week and told me that something really strange happened at work and it made him feel quite awkward. Apparently, she came in to this office and totally out of the blue said "Look I just found these, forgot I had these!" and started showing him some photos on her phone of herself which had been taken during some sort of 'photo-shoot'. Apparently these photos were of her in her underwear posing in various positions and OH felt extremely uncomfortable and wasn't sure what to say. Next thing, OH came home yesterday and said that she had come in to his office speaking to him about her marriage (she only got married a month ago) and how it is likely to be over by Christmas. She is regularly coming in to his office telling him that she is fed up of her hubby and how useless he is etc etc. I snapped last night and told OH that he better have a serious word with her about her behaviour or I will. Tbh I am totally fuming and feel like storming in there and having a word! He thinks I am overreacting and has said that it's nothing, I have nothing to worry about and that I should be glad he's been honest and told me about it. Everyone in the office knows we are an item and he regularly talks about me, particularly as I am friends with many of his colleagues through work social events in the past etc. Am I right in thinking she's trying to come on to him in a sly way and that it needs to be stopped in it's tracks?!

OP posts:
MojitoJo · 12/07/2016 11:51

If you storm in there you will forever be the batshit jealous girlfriend and you will make your OH look weak and under your thumb. Your OH needs to deal with this.

mannose · 12/07/2016 11:52

He is telling you about it so that's a positive, dont go in. Your Dh needs to tell her that this is unacceptable.

HermiioneSnape02 · 12/07/2016 11:52

I would stop it. By I'm very suspicious and not a cool wife at all.
But I would prefer my DH/OH To stop it himself tbh.

I'd be peed off in your situation.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 12/07/2016 11:53

Of course it's inappropriate Confused your partner probably enjoys the attention.

You will look like a madwoman if you address it though - it will probably do the exact opposite of what you want it to, as then he'll have a reason to complain about you to her.

Odd though that he would tell you and say it made him awkward but then say it's nothing.

RestlessTraveller · 12/07/2016 11:53

Yep. Everything MojitoJo just said.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 12/07/2016 11:53

Unless there is some other sort of back story here I think you are over reacting. Photos done on a photo shoot - She is probably proud and showed them all round the office. Talking about her relationship is pretty normal too.

Maybe she sees him as more of a friend than a colleague, if he doesn't feel that way then he should tell her.

I can't see why you made the leap that she is coming into him from these examples.

Whatever happens please don't go into his work and read her the riot act, that's embarrassing for all concerned.

Tiggeryoubastard · 12/07/2016 11:54

You'd make yourself and your partner a laughing stock of you acted like a petty 14 year old. And your relationship would soon be over. Leave it to him to sort as he sees fit. He's an adult, I presume.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/07/2016 11:54

Whoa whoa whoa! Calm right down!

If you go in there you'll embarrass the hell out of your OH and make yourself look unhinged!

Are you generally insecure about your relationship? Because to be honest if this was my DP (and it has been) I'd find it pretty funny, I certainly wouldn't be fuming!

I'm sure you'd OH can handle it if she oversteps the mark, he doesn't need you to do it for him. Flowers

CoraPirbright · 12/07/2016 11:54

If you are sure that you have nothing to worry about well then......dont worry! Just feel sorry for the silly woman - she is making herself look terrible! I do think, though, that HR needs to have a word with her about professionalism in the work place - she is really letting herself down this early on in her time at this office.

Gottagetmoving · 12/07/2016 11:55

She is being inappropriate and not being professional.
Your husband should have dealt with it when it first happened. He is her boss, so why does he feel awkward? Was he too friendly with her when she started working for him, so that she feels she can behave like this?

I wouldn't feel angry if I were in your position, but I would be a bit disappointed if my DP could not handle the situation if he was in a position that required a PA.
As for storming in and 'having a word' - How bad would that look?!
He is a grown man who should be able to deal with it himself. I don't understand why it is something he felt he had to share with you, especially as you seem to be so wound up about it.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/07/2016 11:56

If your OH finds it awkward and inappropriate then HE needs to say something.

If you reversed the genders in this (angry boyfriend threatening to go into girlfriend's work and confront her inappropriate male colleague) then we'd be going 'RED FLAG RED FLAG' like mad. Calm the hell down!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 12/07/2016 11:57

Sounds very much like she is sniffing around your DP. She would have been hoping he would complement her photos. Who does that to a random work guy?

I don't think you should go in there though. You will look unhinged.

It is very good that he is telling you, if you kick off, he may be reluctant to tell you. Could you drop by with his lunch and pee around his desk? Grin He does need to tell her to back off though.

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 12/07/2016 11:59

Your partner probably loves the attention and loves telling you about it even more so!
He's got her in the office apparently throwing herself at him and you fuming at home. Have you checked his pockets for traces of popcorn? Grin

mydietstartsmonday · 12/07/2016 11:59

This is not your fight. You OH needs to sort this out.
A quite word with her but personally I think he needs to go to HR.
What you don't want is her to make a complaint about your husband if he is not responding to her in a way she wants.
If this was the other way round this would be sexual harassment.
If he feels uncomfortable then it is wrong but he needs to stop it now.

WellErrr · 12/07/2016 12:00

Apparently these photos were of her in her underwear posing in various positions and OH felt extremely uncomfortable and wasn't sure what to say.

He's her boss FFS. He just says 'that's not appropriate for work - have you got those documents I asked for?' then looks away.

The problem is him - not her. She's not the one in a relationship with you. Sounds like he's loving the attention to be honest.

TheNotoriousPMT · 12/07/2016 12:04

Elsa The photoshoot was of her in her underwear. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would want to show my boss pictures of me in my underwear.

And slagging off your husband to your colleagues? She`s worked there a couple of months, these people aren't her best mates. (And even if they were, the person to discuss your marriage problems with is your spouse or a counsellor, not people they'll probably end up meeting)

She might fancy OP's OH, she might just have poor judgement/sense of what's appropriate.

Either way, as pps said, going into OH's work to berate his PA would demonstrate equally poor judgement.

Crunchymum · 12/07/2016 12:05

Agree with everyone else, back off and let your DP deal with it he needs to man up and actually deal with it though

As an aside how on Earth are you "friends" with all your DP's work colleagues?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 12/07/2016 12:08

I can't imagine it either although my underwear is more like a 6 man tent nowadays

It's not appropriate in an office situation, but nor is it flirting imo. It sounds to me like she thinks of him as a friend, which is easily cleared up.

Mouikey · 12/07/2016 12:09

I would suggest that your OH talks to HR and leave it to them to sort out. He should not encourage this behaviour and should at the least say that it is not appropriate to have those conversations (as others have suggested). HR will be able to approach it sensitively, but he needs to remain squeaky clean. If she has recently joined she could still be on probation so one option could be to let her go.

Don't get involved, as that will have serious consequences for him. I

Lumpylumperson · 12/07/2016 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
StephFx · 12/07/2016 12:10

Thanks everyone. I understand that going in there would appear totally crazy! It's just how I feel at the time of writing this I think! To answer some questions, OH works within a relatively small business where everyone is relvatevely close. There isn't an HR department and it would be down to OH to address any issues with her regarding inappropriate behaviour which he is yet to do yet. I know it may seem like an overreaction but unfortunately I've been through an almost identical situation with a previous partner so I'm afraid this is all very close to home :(

OP posts:
ChocChocPorridge · 12/07/2016 12:11

Your OH should have a word with her and HR, but it really doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about - he sounds bemused by the whole thing rather than complicit.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/07/2016 12:12

Someone is after an affair by the sounds of this. Just a question of whether it is him or her.

Or both.

KinkyAfro · 12/07/2016 12:13

I don't see why that's difficult to understand crunchymum, my dp is friends with most of my colleagues through social events

blueshoes · 12/07/2016 12:14

Your dh is the manager and the boss. He needs to deal with the situation like one. He is already feeling uncomfortable. He confided in you. This is good.

What he should do now is quietly stop this woman in her tracks, either by having a firm (but not unfriendly) word with her or getting HR to speak to her. My concern is if left unchecked, your dh will be ripe for a sexual harassment law suit. How will he look if she said she did this and that and your dh did not react and in fact, encouraged her through inaction. Her boundaries already sound a little skewed. We don't know how far unhinged she is.

In an office, people may already have noticed. These sorts of things spread like wildfire. He needs to act for his reputation and the morale of his office. Nip it in the bud.