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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in thinking woman my OH works with is behaving inappropriately?

64 replies

StephFx · 12/07/2016 11:48

My partner has recently mentioned a few things to me about his new PA who started within his company a couple of months ago and they are starting to get to me... AIBU in being totally pissed off here? So OH came home the other week and told me that something really strange happened at work and it made him feel quite awkward. Apparently, she came in to this office and totally out of the blue said "Look I just found these, forgot I had these!" and started showing him some photos on her phone of herself which had been taken during some sort of 'photo-shoot'. Apparently these photos were of her in her underwear posing in various positions and OH felt extremely uncomfortable and wasn't sure what to say. Next thing, OH came home yesterday and said that she had come in to his office speaking to him about her marriage (she only got married a month ago) and how it is likely to be over by Christmas. She is regularly coming in to his office telling him that she is fed up of her hubby and how useless he is etc etc. I snapped last night and told OH that he better have a serious word with her about her behaviour or I will. Tbh I am totally fuming and feel like storming in there and having a word! He thinks I am overreacting and has said that it's nothing, I have nothing to worry about and that I should be glad he's been honest and told me about it. Everyone in the office knows we are an item and he regularly talks about me, particularly as I am friends with many of his colleagues through work social events in the past etc. Am I right in thinking she's trying to come on to him in a sly way and that it needs to be stopped in it's tracks?!

OP posts:

TheWindInThePillows · 12/07/2016 12:14

Once, a wife of one of my colleagues, got quite drunk at a party and warned me off him in front of a group of people. It was mortifying to see her embarrassing herself, especially as I wouldn't have touched him with a bargepole.

This is a slightly different situation as this woman does sound inappropriate, but it's not your work, not your business, as everyone has said, this is your husband's issue to deal with and I suggest he does because he is leaving himself very vulnerable if he looks like he is colluding with it but not being firm (which I'm sure he is not).

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 12/07/2016 12:14

His PA sounds awful. Why is she scrolling through personal pictures on her phone in work time anyway?
Surely your DH can make it clear to her that in work hours she shouldn't be spending time on her phone or wandering into his office for a 'chat' about her marriage? Is she actually doing any work?

I don't think she's coming on to him in a sly way, she couldn't be more obvious.
I think some women like to encourage men to fancy them without intending to have any sort of relationship or affair. In part, it's an ego boost and it's also a way of getting him round her little finger.
Agree, this is down to your husband to handle.

AbernathysFringe · 12/07/2016 12:15

I'd throw a party at yours for him and work friends AND her and just look super gorgeous and be friendly to her when she comes, get to know her. Puts you in position of power rather than worrying about a faceless slimeball you've never met.

molyholy · 12/07/2016 12:17

WellErr my thoughts exactly. Would have been VERY easy to say, 'sorry, not really approriate to be showing me semi naked pics'

molyholy · 12/07/2016 12:17

No - that is fucking mental!

CrazyDuchess · 12/07/2016 12:18

The ball is totally in you OH's court here. As her boss he needs to lay down the line about profession boundaries.

Presumably she is in her probationary period?? He needs to handle this properly and professionally - that means getting a second collegues to sit in on the meeting and explain the rules. Give her an opportunity to correct her behaviour but make it clear further instances will not be tolerated

He needs to take a firm line here

CrazyDuchess · 12/07/2016 12:20

He also needs to protect himself and his company.... before he end up with a sexual harassment case against him.... and yes I say again to him because the woman doesn't sound quite right

ScarletForYa · 12/07/2016 12:21

Sounds like mentionitis if you ask me.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2016 12:24

Either your H is an absolute wuss and a fairly useless manager, or he is one of those men who loves the idea of making women compete for him.
You only have his word, after all, that this is happening. Have a think about how your H behaves in general - has he form for cheating? Is he the sort of man who is going to get serious jollies out of the concept of himself as utterly irresistable to women through no fault of his own?

If she really is being over-familiar, his best bet would be a calm 'Not quite appropriate, Ms Whatever, can you get me the other set of spreadsheets' and basically not reacting. Getting all heavy-disciplinary-procedure is both spiteful and unnecessary.

AbernathysFringe · 12/07/2016 12:26

moly Er why? She's friends with the work colleagues. Parties are a normal thing to do. If ever I've felt threatened by another woman, I've got to know her, it's way better than just worrying as it makes you realise your feelings were groundless.

FlyingElbows · 12/07/2016 12:26

Don't do anything that makes you look like a demented teenager!

My husband has a very similar colleague at work. She's an inappropriate nightmare with no social boundaries. If you turned the tables and she was a man she'd be up for sexual harassment but as she's a woman her totally inappropriate behaviour is accepted "for a quiet life". I'm sick to death of hearing about her. Between us me and Mr Elbows can't work out if she's hitting on him in some bizarre way or she really just has no concept of inappropriate behaviour in a workplace. The good thing is, and I think that this good for you too op, that Mr Elbows tells me all about her. It's when she's showing him her tacky underwear shots and he doesn't tell you that you've got something to worry about.

opensideno7 · 12/07/2016 12:29

Someone is after an affair by the sounds of this. Just a question of whether it is him or her.

Or both.

I think there is definitely a bit of this, he may be laying a bit of groundwork so if rumours about their closeness filter back , you will think its just his overly familiar PA...

or she could just be a narcissistic nutter.

blueshoes · 12/07/2016 12:30

Is she attractive?

molyholy · 12/07/2016 12:31

Abernathy - sorry, it might be the norm to throw a party for all of your partners work colleagues cos you think someone fancies your partner, or any time you think someone is lusting after your partner so you can get to know the person, but certainly not normal where I'm from.

raisedbyguineapigs · 12/07/2016 12:31

It definitely sounds to me as if your OH likes the attention. He didnt know what to say? what about "Sorry, its not really appropriate to be showing photos of yourself in your underwear around the workplace and to to your boss" It sounds like she regrets her marriage and has decided to test the waters to see if she is still fanciable to other men, even if she has no intention of doing anything. Your OH needs to put a stop to it instead of telling you about it in a "Ooh! a woman at work fancies me so much! Arent you lucky to be with someone so desirable?"

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 12/07/2016 12:32

She sounds a tart n i wouldnt mind appearing crazy at all if it continued id go in and take her to one side shes not being proffesional

AbernathysFringe · 12/07/2016 12:35

Moly It's definitely the norm on MN to misinterpret what people say...

TheRealPosieParker · 12/07/2016 12:37

BE CAREFUL

Your husband needs to have a word with her about the appropriateness of it.

This happened to my husband with a new employee. She talked really explicitly in front of him, showed old modelling photos to the office (mainly men), then accused my husband of sexual harassment. Thankfully she accused him of things that others would have witnessed and it was all untrue, and frankly bizarre.

Tell your husband to report it immediately.

She's not called Leanne is she??

ScrambledSmegs · 12/07/2016 12:40

To be honest I think my DH would react in the same way as your partner, with a side order of abject terror. He's just so worried about upsetting people that he takes a bit of time to psych himself up to have difficult conversations.

I've told him that not saying anything makes it look like he's condoning the behaviour (not sexual but still unprofessional) and he's got a lot better. Is there another manager in his business that he can talk to about this? Might actually be an idea to turn this into an official 'chat' with another manager and inappropriate employee, about professional behaviour in the workplace, so that it's all above board but not a disciplinary issue yet.

Is that something you could suggest to him?

BeatricePotter · 12/07/2016 12:43

Completely unprofessional.

He needs to nip it in the bud as it sounds like she has the hots for him. If he doesn't then she could do anything.

I've been a PA a long time and have seen havoc caused by younger PAs who do not understand exactly what the role entails and how they should be behaving.

I would stay out of it lest you want to be seen as equally as batty. We had a director whose wife used to come in and drape herself all over him. Oh, how we laughed..... She looked utterly ridiculous and none of us were interested in him in the slightest.

Snowflakes1122 · 12/07/2016 12:43

Don't storm into the office whatever you do!!

It sounds like she is unhappy in her marriage, and probably trying to get attention to boost her ego.

Or there's the slim possibility he is having an affair, and is trying to cover his tracks already by making out there's an infatuated woman chasing after him.

toffeeboffin · 12/07/2016 12:49

PA walks in with photo shoot pics : your partner's (her boss's!) words should have been 'What the hell do you think you're doing?'. He actually looked through these pictures with her?! WTAF.

Then she parades in and tells him about her marriage?

Your partner needs to grow a pair.

WeAllHaveWings · 12/07/2016 12:54

Your dh needs to ask to go on a people management course if he cant recognise the potential issues and deal with them without his mummy wife getting involved.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/07/2016 12:54

I think your DH needs to put something in writing to her spelling out appropriate behaviour or if there is a union rep or similar have them sit in on him telling her what is acceptable.

If he doesn't deal with it in a quiet but firm way now and she is unhappy in her job it could easily result in her accusing him of some sort of harrassment. I would strongly suggest he doesn't discuss personal topics with her at all. Work and the weather are probably the safest options.

Gottagetmoving · 12/07/2016 12:55

She sounds a tart n i wouldnt mind appearing crazy at all if it continued id go in and take her to one side shes not being proffesional

And,..how professional would your DP look if his 'crazy' partner went in and tried to deal with it?

He is a grown man so if his partner wants to go 'crazy' she should go crazy with him - not the silly woman at work!
I can never understand why some women think it is ok to act like a jealous teenager

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