Party Etiquette? AIBU to be rather cheesed off?

[CheesedOffChiquita]

So I hosted a surprise party for a close friend recently, as per a request from her other half. As I wasn't really willing to bank roll a party - at my house too - for a bunch of people I didn't know, I asked people to bring along some food or drink to contribute to the party. Trying to get people to actually confirm they were coming was a nightmare in the first place, and several of them who had promised to come, and bring certain items of food/drink with them, dropped out the day before, or even on the day. They didn't even message me to let me know - they messaged my friend's OH.

In the end I had around 12 people come, out of about 25 invited and confirmed until last minute. One of these was supposed to have brought a certain food (fairly critical to the party theme) with her but turned up completely empty-handed, although she'd splashed out on a new dress for the occasion. She tucked in to the food and drink with relish.

One of the guests was very ill on the day but had sent along the food and drink with one of the other guests, which I thought was very thoughtful of her, especially considering how ill she actually was.

When the party was about halfway through, several of the guests left together but before they did so, they gathered up every single sandwich/cake/mixer/bottle of alcohol leftover from what they'd brought. and took it home with them. I was just as I couldn't believe they would sit and eat/drink everything that other people had brought with them, bearing in mind that some items were more popular than others and so there weren't any leftovers of some things, and then gather up what they'd brought and take it away!

AIBU to be completely outraged at the behaviour of so many of these guests - both before and after the party? I was expecting to send all of the leftovers/booze etc home with my friend, as it was a party on her behalf. I just couldn't believe my eyes; I wouldn't dream of taking things home with me after a party unless it was demanded of me by the host? What is the usual party etiquette?

Yes! What was the theme?

Crikey, Hatters, that's even worse!! So you'd travelled extra distance to be there and they hadn't even made sure you had any food saved for you!

Next time, ask if you can just bung it on the grill - if it's a gas barbecue, it's much the same thing anyway.

Madhatter, I would have told them, when it was evident there was no food for you, right were off to the chip shop as we are starving, as there was no BBQ food left. Brought my fish and chips to their house and eat in front of them. As hosts, I would be downright ashamed, and I have two boisterous kids. Its about manners and thought which they clearly lacked.

Yes I would have asked for the meat back, as clearly the BBQ is over, and they provided you with nothing to eat considering you were travelling all that way for them. Rude Rude Rude!

Does the birthday friend know people had to bring their own? Or does she think her DP did all the grunt work and you provided the venue?

He sounds a right scrub (haven't ued that since the 90's!)

Well, the other week we went to a BBQ that was meant to start around 3. We got there at 4. BBQ clean and out away, nowt left but a few bowls of crisps. We'd bought loads of beautifal meat, lovely steak and burgers etc, and the host just popped it in the freezer and we never saw it again sad

Why didn't you just say "can you turn the BBQ back on, we haven't eaten and have brought all this food with us?"

Bemused as to why you'd just hand over the meat and then stand around hungry but not saying anything!

If you think that is bad I know someone who invited his brothers, sisters plus partners and his mum to a bbq and when they arrived he asked for £10 from each of them to contribute to the food. He even asked his mum the following day when she was going to transfer the £10 to his account

My interpretation of BBQ "bring something to chuck on "etiquette":

Host provides all "basic" food: salads, bread rolls, and basic meats (sausages/burgers)
Guest brings nice meats or veggie/fish options (steak, chops, etc) - this then becomes "everyone's" so long as the bringer has had some - they don't bring anything home.

Host provides mixers and basic booze (beer/wine), guests bring additional wine/booze.

Or that's how it used to be!

Somehow though, this year I've noticed that "bring something for the BBQ" = I will be doing no hosting whatsoever, feed yourself and any of my friends who come empty handed please. So I guess if the guests have been to a few of those, they might be a bit fed up with non-hosted "parties" and that might make them a bit tighter with their own stuff.

Your first error was agreeing to hold the damn party. What a cheek on the part of your friends DP. I'd have told him to book a venue or use his own house.

I have asked someone to host a party for me before (my in laws to host my DC1's first birthday as we were in a tiny place and it was only for immediate family on that side so no strangers) and we paid for everything, tidied up after and gave them a bottle of nice Champagne for their trouble.

Does anyone actually like surprise parties? I'd rather know beforehand.

I know, I know- I'm an idiot! Won't happen again! Was just a bit of a surprise to be honest- and it was quite chaotic with children of all ages running about- I kept thinking in a minute some food will come but of course it never did. I possibly misenterpreted it as a sort of all-afternoon-just-turn-up-with-your-meat kind of affair- didn't make allowances for the fact they all have very young kids in routines/getting hungry etc!

What kind of person asks their partner's friend to throw her a party and doesn't give her a budget to do it with? He sounds just like their friends. This was always doomed.

My brother and SIL host regular BBQ's in the summer and we all chuck them a tenner to cover food / drink. So 10 guests would provide £100 which doesn't cover everything but is a token.

It's not something they have ever asked for just something that has evolved due to them having the biggest garden and hosting us all a few times a month in the summer.

how rotten op

your friends dh though is more to blame did he not even offer any money?

obviously took all the credit though-i wouldnt dream if taking back food i brought to a party-i might have eaten alot but its rude to just take it back home

They were extremely rude! If I take food and drink to a party I wouldn't dream of taking anything home afterwards!

Like everyone else I think the guests are rude but so was the husband - and I wonder what kind of events he has 'hosted' before? I wonder whether people thought of this as his event and so didn't realise that you would (understandably) also feel slighted by such behaviour?

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking people to bring things to a party, but I do agree with a pp that the host needs to provide a 'baseline' and it's not clear that that happened here.

Thr fault is definitely with your friends DP, bet he thinks it's hilarious. Didn't have to do any organisation or fork out any cash-winner. Learn from this OP & next time say no.

I was trying to be a bit discreet - it wasn't a birthday party, it was a hen party. Her OH did actually pay for the things that the people who'd promised to come and bring them didn't bring. No-one was asked or expected to bring a gift (which no-one did).

A friend did the same as you - her friend's DH had asked her to host and did nothing towards it. She had to endure speech by friend gushing about her lovely thoughtful DH, who had taken all the credit.

Oh, a hen do - so not really much to do with the partner at all? It's quite unusual to host a hen party in a home at all, isn't it? I think it might actually have been better to ask for cash to help pay - that would be what I was expecting for a hen do, rather than being asked to bring specific items.

Having said that, I do still think they were rude, even if this was a bit of an unusual set-up.

Reminds me of being asked to a dinner party years ago, and to 'bring a dish ..oh, and by the way I thought you'd like to do a Beef Wellington for 12 as you're such a good cook' 😳 it cost me a fortune, there was no thanks whatsoever. One guest was told that the only acceptable drink was Bollinger if she was bringing a bottle.

Stupidly I did, hated every moment and never, ever went to a dinner party again.

And for those who asked, it was an afternoon tea-themed party so people were asked to bring (or they offered to bring) particular things to the party: Pimms, scones, a cake, plate of sandwiches etc. They weren't asked to bring platters of cooked food or anything.

It was held at my house because I have a very large garden, so could host a tea party quite well. My friend is tee-total so didn't want a night on the town and they have a young child so she didn't want to go away for the weekend anywhere.