Party Etiquette? AIBU to be rather cheesed off?

[CheesedOffChiquita]

So I hosted a surprise party for a close friend recently, as per a request from her other half. As I wasn't really willing to bank roll a party - at my house too - for a bunch of people I didn't know, I asked people to bring along some food or drink to contribute to the party. Trying to get people to actually confirm they were coming was a nightmare in the first place, and several of them who had promised to come, and bring certain items of food/drink with them, dropped out the day before, or even on the day. They didn't even message me to let me know - they messaged my friend's OH.

In the end I had around 12 people come, out of about 25 invited and confirmed until last minute. One of these was supposed to have brought a certain food (fairly critical to the party theme) with her but turned up completely empty-handed, although she'd splashed out on a new dress for the occasion. She tucked in to the food and drink with relish.

One of the guests was very ill on the day but had sent along the food and drink with one of the other guests, which I thought was very thoughtful of her, especially considering how ill she actually was.

When the party was about halfway through, several of the guests left together but before they did so, they gathered up every single sandwich/cake/mixer/bottle of alcohol leftover from what they'd brought. and took it home with them. I was just as I couldn't believe they would sit and eat/drink everything that other people had brought with them, bearing in mind that some items were more popular than others and so there weren't any leftovers of some things, and then gather up what they'd brought and take it away!

AIBU to be completely outraged at the behaviour of so many of these guests - both before and after the party? I was expecting to send all of the leftovers/booze etc home with my friend, as it was a party on her behalf. I just couldn't believe my eyes; I wouldn't dream of taking things home with me after a party unless it was demanded of me by the host? What is the usual party etiquette?

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

I personally think its very rude to ask people to bring their own food to a party. I've never heard of such meanness, TBH.

[SamoyedSam]

@swimming Thanks

[SwimmingInLemonade]

Not to worry, I love a good zombie thread. If it was entertaining a year ago it'll be entertaining today

[SamoyedSam]

I'm a total twat for not checking the date!!!

[SamoyedSam]

OMG ignore me please!! Total zombie thread!!!

[SamoyedSam]

I'm not married so this is a genuine question: do fiances usually pay for the cost of the other partner's hen/stag do?

[Mumstheword12346]

Yes it was dealt with quickly however it hasn't stopped them. One of them is embarrassed but is too under the thumb to stand up to his other half.
It is quite ironic how they play at "happy" families and "highbrow"with friends but in reality it is the opposite.
Causing mayhem with family arguments, always taking from others and excluding people.
This is only the tiniest tip of the family iceberg they have created.

The only problem is that the other family member who gave the advice does facilitate them at times too, to avoid fall outs (they are paranoid about family fall outs) sweeping it under the rug.

It is extremely frustrating!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Mumstheword - good for you NOT paying! But how fucking RUDE for them to have asked you but not others!! I mean, bad enough to ask anyone, but to single out some but not others is dreadful!
Glad you let it out to another family member, bet that went round the grapevine fast!

[whois]

Sounds like a stupid way to organise a party.

If you didn't want to pay for it (totally reasonable!!!) the friends OH should have paid for everything and done all the order, all the setting up.

Bringing things to a party is a PITA.

I'd be pissed off at your friends OH for being such a wet blanket tight arse.

[Mumstheword12346]

We were so shocked at the time that we thought about paying it. After realising it was well into 3 figures including the gifts and extras we brought, we then spoke to trusted family member who too was appalled and said not to as it was their decision to cook steak and serve - force - champagne. Otherwise we were only facilitating their behaviour.
(Funnily enough we found out that their other guests were not asked to fork out.)

I was so offended.

[DonkeyHotay]

Op some of the party attendees sound horrid. Very tight, I can't imagine turning up empty handed or taking stuff home.

Admiral . Grabby showerzilla.

Tayto for a 70th I would have expected to pay my share of the bill and/or contribute towards birthday boy or girl. In dh's family, he shares the food bill with siblings and birthday person pays for drinks. I would not expect the host to foot the bill unless it was a buffet party thingy.

If we host overnight I'd expect a bottle of wine because that's a normal thank you in our circle of f+fs. We go to a lot of effort and expense and host because we live in a different city to our families. DH and I both have siblings that take home. It's rude unless offered.

[AdmiralData]

squizita that's appalling behaviour on your friends part. I hope you pulled her up on it.

This thread has reminded me of a party I co-hosted with a friend last year. Our mutual friend fell pregnant and informed us that she wanted a baby shower and that it would be down to us to organise. My friend and I were informed by expectant mum that she wanted an afternoon tea affair and we were told which hotel she wanted it in. My friend and I sorted everything like a couple of mugs and both put ourselves seriously out of pocket. The expectant mum was kind enough to start a chat group for my co-host and I so we'd be able to share ideas (!?!) once she established that we were both in the private chat group she asked for us to remove her from the conversation and wished us luck. Thanks I guess?!?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Mumstheword - that's some brass neck your family members have! It is completely beyond my comprehension how anyone thinks that is an ok way to behave. I'd like to hope that you didn't pay them £80, but I bet you did, didn't you?

[Mumstheword12346]

I can relate, Husband and I were invited over to a Family members for dinner celebration. We brought lots of wine, beers and added extras dessert and nibbles...plenty for more people than invited just incase. We left everything - as you do - and a few days later were asked to fork out £80 for dinner... Because "steaks are expensive" and one (forced upon) glass of champagne.

The same couple invited their whole family over for a take away meal and even charged their own Grandmother for food.

When they go to anyone else's they never bring enough for everyone (6 guests planned in advance) they say they will do dessert and only bring 4 individual desserts. Not once but TWICE this has happened. Also on another occasion half eaten refrigerated food?!

Also I was told they invited others over for a steak dinner and just before they were due to arrive they asked them to "pick up their own steaks" on the way over. No shame.

You would be thinking they were hard up on cash but both have professional careers and love to brag a champagne lifestyle...Go figure?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I think they're making a point of it now, tbh. Bloody workshy losers.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Oh fgs. Do they have no actual journalism skills at all? (Stupid question, really.)

Just pathetic.

[alafolie29]

This thread is on the daily mail website

[Woolyheads]

Maybe they were poor?

[MargaretCavendish]

I'm with Lottie too.... oh should have shelled out for food and drink.. very tight of him not to.

Did you read the update saying it was a hen do? I have never been to a hen party where the groom contributed anything; I suppose the slightly surprising thing is that he instigated this, rather than her friends, but I don't think this then obliges him to pay for it.

[knacked]

I'm with Lottie too.... oh should have shelled out for food and drink.. very tight of him not to. But, to answer the question... yes it's awful that they took the good away.... completely embarrassing.

[Mildred007]

YANBU! I've had a couple of friends take their bottles/food home with them. I always offer any uneaten/unopened food/bottles back to guests and am not even the tiniest bit offended if they do take them but is a bit rude to just take imo.
One NYE we took a big bottle of vodka to a party. A couple of other people had brought one too. Everyone seemed to be drinking it during the evening, which was fine. Later on we were told we'd run out. No problem. However, as a few of us were leaving a bottle of vodka appeared (our big one) - seems it'd been hidden by the hosts so the party could continue once it had thinned out & could go round everyone. These hosts are the same ones who usually take their stuff home with them when they come to us - even returning the next day to collect it!

[CheesedOffChiquita]

Wow, I am a bit at some of these stories!!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Mad that was not on, wow meat from M&S, no wonder they there keen to keep hold of it, the vulchers. That would make me think that bit less of em, and never make the same mistake again.

[squizita]

YANBU.

People who think there is a "fixed time" to start BBQS ABU (or don't quite "get" BBQ). Those hosts could easily have held back some meat and the already cool/clean grill is frankly weird.

I have a friend who puts her £5 screw top wine in our 'party' fridge (as in one we have in our living area for snack/drinks - an old one from my pre married life!) then when we say "oh friend, open a bottle from the fridge..." will go in our kitchen, uncork a £20 birthday bottle clearly not for the party, neck half of it and claim she thought it was hers. To the extent I now hide good wine if she's visiting. We're not skinny we just can't afford £20 bottles for party/film night type stuff. Plus she knows what she's doing! She also "forgets" her purse on girls nights out a lot.