Party Etiquette? AIBU to be rather cheesed off?

[CheesedOffChiquita]

So I hosted a surprise party for a close friend recently, as per a request from her other half. As I wasn't really willing to bank roll a party - at my house too - for a bunch of people I didn't know, I asked people to bring along some food or drink to contribute to the party. Trying to get people to actually confirm they were coming was a nightmare in the first place, and several of them who had promised to come, and bring certain items of food/drink with them, dropped out the day before, or even on the day. They didn't even message me to let me know - they messaged my friend's OH.

In the end I had around 12 people come, out of about 25 invited and confirmed until last minute. One of these was supposed to have brought a certain food (fairly critical to the party theme) with her but turned up completely empty-handed, although she'd splashed out on a new dress for the occasion. She tucked in to the food and drink with relish.

One of the guests was very ill on the day but had sent along the food and drink with one of the other guests, which I thought was very thoughtful of her, especially considering how ill she actually was.

When the party was about halfway through, several of the guests left together but before they did so, they gathered up every single sandwich/cake/mixer/bottle of alcohol leftover from what they'd brought. and took it home with them. I was just as I couldn't believe they would sit and eat/drink everything that other people had brought with them, bearing in mind that some items were more popular than others and so there weren't any leftovers of some things, and then gather up what they'd brought and take it away!

AIBU to be completely outraged at the behaviour of so many of these guests - both before and after the party? I was expecting to send all of the leftovers/booze etc home with my friend, as it was a party on her behalf. I just couldn't believe my eyes; I wouldn't dream of taking things home with me after a party unless it was demanded of me by the host? What is the usual party etiquette?

[CheesedOffChiquita]

It was held at my house because I have a very large garden, so could host a tea party quite well. My friend is tee-total so didn't want a night on the town and they have a young child so she didn't want to go away for the weekend anywhere.

[taytotayto111]

I've just come back from my mother in laws 70th birthday lunch, she invited me so I assumed she would be paying.....oh no not the case. Nothing shocks me any more.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

See, I wouldn't have assumed that Tayto - being invited to join others for lunch/dinner for someone's birthday, I tend to assume I'm paying for myself and am always quite surprised (and occasionally embarrassed) when I find out they're paying for it all.

[CheesedOffChiquita]

If I'm invited out to lunch somewhere that isn't at someone's home, I always assume I'm paying my own way unless I've been specifically told otherwise. If it was a birthday lunch/hen party dinner etc then I'd also expect to put in for the birthday person/hen's dinner too

[Elledouble]

I suspect the problem is that they're not your friends, OP. They're leaving so they decide they're not going to supplement some stranger's cupboards and take everything with them. Not excusing it, it's still unspeakably rude, but that's what I think the reason might be.

[user1468166567]

Wow. The cheek. You are DEFO not BU.

Me & my 4 best friends take it in turns to host - well 4 out of the 5 of us do. One has NEVER had us to hers even for a coffee/drink. Whereas me and 1 other constantly end up hosting and forking out for food. Said other friend happily turns up with a carrier bag of cans and sits at the table drinking them. Takes them home too if kit finished.

I suggested last time we all take a dish each to make it fair - says friend was given starters. She text on the day asking what she was supposed to bring and then said didn't have time so she bought a jar of olives and a half eaten French stick. I'm the one that says something - the other 3 seem to feel sorry for her?!

[thecatsarecrazy]

Me and my dh had a small wedding and reception. I bought some candles for the tables using my discount from work. After the reception my aunty who is well known for being tight went round and helped herself to all my candles. My mil still talks about it 10 years later

[MiddleClassProblem]

A hen! That makes me feel differently! Understand why it wasn't up tosh to pay but also not solely up to you and surely more reason for others to make an effort as it's (fingers crossed) a one off!

[revealall]

I think it is bad form to take things home if the host is providing most of the meal. If everyone is bringing puds or snacks and drinks then of course you leave them. Although if there is masses over a good hostess offers them back ( or in your case suggests giving them to the person whose party it is.

If they expectation is that the guests are effectively hosting then no it's not odd to take the food home. No one gets anything except credit for organising. If it was crisps and sandwiches they need to be eaten up anyway so I'd have offered them back to whoever wanted them.

[CheesedOffChiquita]

In my case it was afternoon tea with cocktails/mocktails and so those who bought ingredients for those, there was very little leftover and so the people who brought those had nothing to take home as everyone had drunk them. The same with the more popular food items. Surely, rather than just taking home your own food, you'd offer it to the hen or at least ask if anyone else wanted to take any of it home, to make it fairer for those who had nothing left to take home because everyone else had eaten/drunk it all?
Those who came with nothing I was absolutely disgusted with

[amarmai]

I think the person who stuck it to you . the most op,was the h and I cannot understand why you were able to ask his guest what they were bringing and you didn't ask him what about the food , drinks etc.

[bigpigsmum]

Re; arriving an hour late - even for a BBQ - can't abide bad manners shows total lack of respect for your host, your own fault. There is fashionably late and just down right rude.

[HappyFatty]

Tayto Wow, that's awful! I remember my Mum shouting the house down when I was about 10 over a birthday meal. My parents were invited to their oldest friends 50th birthday meal by his GF at the time and she booked a £15+ starter type place (bear in mind this was nearly 40 years ago) which was way out of my parents price bracket and so they declined. GF said she was paying for everyone so it was fine. My parents still declined as they felt really uncomfortable about it as they didn't know her at all. Anyway GF wouldn't let it go and so they went. At the end of the night GF presented my parents with a bill for £120 with the statement, 'it's really expensive here and I can only afford the wine' So my parents ended up spending the money they'd saved for our family holiday spending money on their friends meal. It's a family legend now, but my Mum cried for what felt like months about it at the time. Urgh, people.

[pollymere]

I went to a party recently and took homemade potato salad. I left near the end and asked the hosts whether they would like it or not. I was suitably embarrassed but they confessed to not liking potato salad and were grateful. They also offered us the fizzy orange. It's a tricky one but it seems rude that they left taking most of it with them without mentioning it.

[nilbyname]

God the attendees sound like a right grabby bunch. Wedding should be fun!!

[MikeWasowski]

cheesedoff YANBU I think that's really rude behaviour and like others have said unless the host says "please take a doggy bag home, there's loads left" then you leave it!! Rude people. user1468 a jar of olives and half a bloody baguette!!! That really made me chuckle though

[Milliways]

Wow, that was rude.
Re BBQs, We host a BBQ each year and ask everyone to bring a salad or similar as we provide all meat, rolls and deserts - as between 100-160 people have come in previous years I would be stuffed if they didn't bring their promised dish, and I do make sure all serving bowls are returned asap.

[StressedAndConfusedArgh]

I had to comment as something bizarrely similar happened to me last weekend! Friend's OH asked me to host a BBQ for her birthday. I didn't want to get lumbered with paying for/cleaning up after the entire thing so gave him a specific list of things to buy (charcoal, meat, paper plates etc).

He turned up empty handed except for about 10 burger patties. He 'forgot' everything else and made a unilateral decision to use the oven instead . It was lucky that I had bought some crisps etc (and even birthday cake for her!) otherwise everyone would have been starving! He also changed the time at the last minute without confirming with me first so I ended up sitting around for 1.5hrs before anyone turned up. I'm not even sure if my friend knows that I paid for the entire thing and can't think of a subtle way to bring it up.

I'm shocked that more than one person seems to think this is an OK way to behave - I thought I must have been very unlucky! The upshot is that I've learnt not to organise things unless I'm 100% sure that other people will stick to the arrangement. Not sure there's much you can do about it now though, sadly...

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Happy - that's an outrageous thing that GF did to your parents, disgusting! I bet that ruined their relationship with their friend :(

Stressed - yep, another user in the world, sorry you got lumbered too. And you even tried to circumvent it! I just don't know what goes through these people's heads, I'd be so mortified if I forgot something I'd promised to bring, I'd go out to the shop and fetch it straight away!

[Rosamund1]

We had a bbq and I seriously overspent because I would be embarrassed if we ran out and I knew there would be more than invited (it always happens in our group). Even though I insisted people were too polite to take things home and after two days I had to throw away all the lovely coleslaw, potato salad bread rolls etc. That had been surplus. Also everyone brought a bottle so in terms of drink we ended up with more than we provided. I insisted on a few bottles of spirits going back though.

I would get in touch with the person who the party was for.

'I hope you enjoyed the party, I was running round getting all the food ready and when some things people promised did not turn up I was pulling my hair out! But it was OK in the end and I'm glad (my husband) Bob and I were able to do this for you.

(I.e. I did it, your friends let me down, your DH is taking credit where he did nothing).

[KoalaDownUnder]

Some people are just so rude. Not to mention tight!

[iloveberries]

If you were going to be an hour late for the BBQ did you message to let the host know?

I don't think you should be annoyed that they BBQ'd without you.... As you say the kids were hungry etc. If I were the host id have put some more meat under the grill for you when you got there. I imagine they didn't give you meat back as figured it would get hot and sweaty in the car?

I think it's rude when people bring food or drink and take it home. You take something for the party - it's for the party. I have one friend who always brings a bottle of prosecco to BBQs, drinks prosecco all day (supplied by me and others) and then takes the bottle she bought home as she says "oh nobody drank MY one". This annoys me but overall she's not a tight friend so I just leave it.

[Paddingtonthebear]

Many years ago in my very early twenties my boyfriend and I invited his friend and girlfriend over for dinner. They weren't local so invite also included staying the night. They turned up with a single bottle of Blue Nun wine. The girlfriend wanted to spend an hour cleaning my kitchen after dinner, which was about 10pm. In the morning we woke up about 8am and they had already gone home, and taken their wine out of the fridge too!

[Queenbean]

If you were going to be an hour late for the BBQ did you message to let the host know?

A BBQ start time is an informal time for people to turn up, not the exact time the food will be served. I've never turned up to a BBQ exactly on the dot of the start time. It's not a restaurant booking!

[iloveberries]

True - but if I was going to be an hour late I'd think it polite to message...

(And then they could save me food! )