To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

I had an all natural birth, not entirely by choice (by the time they admitted me it was too late for pain relief, thanks to the nasty triage nurse who turned me away when I first presented).

My baby was bloody massive too, 9lbs 3 at birth. I won't lie, it was excruciating. But - and this is a big but - being able to see the pain as a healthy, natural aspect of the birth was hugely helpful. At no point did I feel overwhelmed or out of control.

I didn't do any hypno, but I would swear by own life on a book called Birth Skills by Juju Sundin. Google it, it's amazing. The active birth techniques in that book got me through labour.

I also delivered on a birthing stool and somehow miraculously avoided any tearing. I'd like to say that was down to the perineal massage I did but I think it might be just luck.

I have an extensive consultation with consultant about this chicken and egg situation.

There is a school of thought that if you have an epidural etc you will then start a cascade of intervention.
My Consultant was much less black and white on this and said its impossible to tell, because its painful but if you need extra help it could be because something is amiss.

Anyway op, yes Its bizzare we perpetuate all these myths regarding CB. Your going into battle and if you want to be well armed, you should know the full story.

Twice now I have joined NCT for the support side really after the birth and twice listened to twaddle about candles and sex hormones, then watched that same NCT teachers face as every single person trotted out some birth horror story, in which no candles in the world would have helped with . The look was passive, remote and removed. She will go on perpetuating the myths!

I personally feel ELC should be made far more widely available to women who want them.

That's interesting Blowing. Looking back at my labour, which began with broken waters but no labour and ended up as a crash C section under GA, it makes sense that the cascade of interventions were all pointing to something being wrong.

Eventually, thanks to very assiduous monitoring, the difficulties were picked up and my baby was out in less than 15 mins.

I strongly believe that women should be able to determine for themselves what a 'good' birth looks like. For my next child, a ELC with local anaesthetic is very attractive because my one regret about my first birth is feeling woosy from the GA for about 24 hours.

However, even despite that, I was able to establish BF no problem at all, so it's not a given that a C section will impact BF.

I'm sure others have said it but I think it's important...

NO ONE GETS A MEDAL FOR NOT HAVING PAIN RELIEF!

I do see lots of people making a big deal about their 'achievement' of not having pain relief. As if it's worse to have had pain relief, or they have 'done' childbirth properly through their own efforts and deserve lots of plaudits for it.

As long as baby gets here safely, whether the mother had pain relief during labour is entirely irrelevant.

"As long as baby gets here safely, whether the mother had pain relief during labour is entirely irrelevant."

Sorry, disagree!

Pain relief used in labour can sometimes have side effects which are pretty unpleasant, for mums and babies.

I've had an epidural, pethidine and entonox, and I needed them at the time, but to suggest to women that there are no disadvantages to using pain relief (ie: there are no prizes for going without) is disingenuous. Epidurals in particular are like any other invasive medical procedure - they have risks and they have benefits. Sometimes a mother and baby WILL emerge in better health for not having had one (and vice versa).

Hi OP. I was similar to you. Petite. Size 6. Baby was born 2 weeks past dd at 9lbs. I was in labour for 38 hours, got transfered at 30 hours to the maternity hospital from a birthing centre as baby was in distress. I regret the amount of pain relief I demanded as it definitely slowed my labour and prolonged it. I was in excruciating back labour. I wanted the all natural birth too but it didn't happen for me. Hoping it will this time though. Go in with open mind!

Pain relief used in labour can sometimes have side effects...Epidurals in particular are like any other invasive medical procedure

Sure, but this is where the root canal/hernia analogy kicks in. Pain relief can have side effects there too, but nobody seriously suggests you go without.

Somewhere baked into the discourse is the suggestion that childbirth is a different 'kind' of pain and different rules regarding its management apply. I'd like to unpack that a bit more before buying into it.

"to suggest to women that there are no disadvantages to using pain relief (ie: there are no prizes for going without) is disingenuous."

How on earth is saying no one gets a prize for no pain relief the same as suggesting there are no disadvantages to pain relief?? Of course it isn't, and I'm sure the OP and anyone else with half a brain is perfectly capable of informing themselves about the various options including side effects etc.

My point, which I think was perfectly clear, is that there is nothing about having no pain relief which makes birth a better 'achievement' by the mother. It's not a competition and I think a culture of celebrating having no pain relief as a heroic achievement on the part of the mother suggests that having pain relief is some kind of failure.

Women who have given birth are often feeling vulnerable about the process and beating themselves up about what the perceive (or think others may perceive) as 'failing' in some way can't possibly be a good thing.

on the pressure/pain issue, I found that during the earlier stages of labour I felt my contractions as pain but as the labour progressed, the feelings of pressure outweighed the feelings of pain and almost pushed them to one side in my mind. the pain was still there, but I was concentrating more on the sensation of pressure.

jessiemcjessie obviously I can only really speak for myself, but I hated diamorphine. I felt totally spaced out and basically passed out for an hour or two. it has left me with big gaps in my memory towards the end of my labour. I have just written my birth plan for dc2, due in 5 weeks. the only thing it says regarding pain relief is "no diamorphine" highlighted in bold!! but to give the other side of that, my SIL had diamorphine and loved it. it just took the edge off the pain and made it much more controllable, and she didn't feel spaced out at all. I think its hard to know how you will react, unless you've had opiate based pain relief previously.

I'd be delighted if I could go drug free for my next (due in Feb). Having the epidural was horrible. Could not get up to walk around, was confined to a bed, the drug didn't work properly. All it did was get rid of some back pain but my contractions were there and I felt them just the same. I am determined not to have a birth like my first one - I was terrified. I'd never ever recommend epidural.

The pain of childbirth is like the pain of running a marathon. It's a pain of achievement with an end goal (although you may suffer injuries and complications as a consequence of the physical demands put on your body).

Completely different to toothache or a hernia which is the pain of something being wrong / damaged in your body

The pain of childbirth is like the pain of running a marathon. It's a pain of achievement with an end goal (although you may suffer injuries and complications as a consequence of the physical demands put on your body).

This sounds like your subjective experience. Definitely not what I felt. Mine was more like feeling my body was going to tear itself in two.

See for me, labour pain was just like any other pain. It hurt. It was not a 'good pain' in any way and I much preferred when epidural stopped the pain. I've done a marathon - nothing like childbirth. If it did feel remotely like childbirth, I would stop.

I didn't experience much pain in childbirth, you might be lucky. The contractions gave me shooting pains down the front of my legs which was weird and unpleasant but not massively sore. Other than that it was more like a really intense pressure and heat.

Every labour is different for the same woman, as well. (And I had 5 labours, and 3 miscarriages so have more experience than many).

I was scared shitless before I had Son 1 as everyone said a first labour averages 16 hours, and is often the most painful labour a woman will have... Totally not true. My first labour last 67 minutes and at its height, was like a slightly bad period pain (that said I have PCOS so have very bad period pains!) But it was, at no point, unbearable pain.

Second labour 21 minutes and I thought I was dying. The pain was off the scale (maybe because it was a precipitate labour).

Third, I made damn sure I faked being in more pain than I was when I had hardly a twinge, so they'd give me an epidural. I felt not a thing.

Sadly the last two labours they refused to give em any pain relief. They seemed to be saving that for the first time mothers, and decided I didn't need it as I went fast...

But yes. That first labour isn't always as hard, for everyone, as they make out and I'd happily have foregone epidurals in later labours if I hadn't had the horrendous experience with No 2.

everyone is different I too have PCOS and have no period pains! At all!

Its important to factor in how a woman feels mentally too going through labour How on earth can you tell if your pain is normal, to be expected or extra bad because something is wrong? I wouldnt have known.

I had indescribable pain in my back on my spine, like a grating on my spine, it was un expected. I was told - well its child birth it hurts.
I was put off an epidural as well. Of course it turns out baby was back to back.

Some women have felt no different with that, but for me it was excruciating.

Labour is really unpredictable and SOON different from person to person.

I had hoped for a natural birth with as little intervention as possible. Is done pregnancy yoga a loads of breathing techniques, got my tens machine, was readying to ask for water birth. But it didn't happen like that. My blood pressure went through the roof and pain was just unbearable. I couldn't have predicted it as normally I'm no wuss.

They wired me up to monitors and explained that they'd support me through a vaginally birth as fer as possible but I had to be prepared for a Emergency C section. They strongly recommended epidural to help manage the pain. Previously I'd not been keen on the idea - but was amazing. Yes I'm sure some downsides like not being able to feel contractions to be able to push at the end, but it allowed me to have a vaginal birth rather than c-section.

I had a great team of midwives and doctors who explained everything along the way and would strongly recommend but still leave final decision to me.

I ended up with forcep delivery and a lot of stiches. But it turns out DS head was in about 90th percentile and

Thanks BaskingTrout.

Somewhere baked into the discourse is the suggestion that childbirth is a different 'kind' of pain and different rules regarding its management apply. I'd like to unpack that a bit more before buying into it

Yes I agree, we trot out - society trots out things like solid fact. i was most surprised when the consultant snorted when i said I had aromatherapy massage saying at that stage it was unlikely to help. She also said its not true epidural automatically slows labour down, as I told her that was the reason I had been denied one.

I had an 11lb plus baby with no pain relief - bit of tearing which was sore as it healed but the actual childbirth was fine. Used the water pool during labour but had to get out to deliver as they knew he was going to be oversized.

Sorry posted to soon

• you just don't know until it happens. Fingers crossed no complications. Have an idea of you order of preference. But as many other people have said. There are no medals for putting either of you at any risk for a badge of honour for not having pain relief. You might need it, you might not. Keep an open mind xxxx

Its also bizarre how a section is described at the bottom of the worst that can happen to you list, the worst, and people will do anything to avoid it, including risking making themselves permanently damaged below - incontinence.

I much preferred having a neat scar I could see and monitor and that did not affect me going to the loo in anyway, to any tear or stiches below.

I also strongly believe the success of the birth is down to pure luck. Nothing more and nothing less.

There really is very little YOU can do to make it better or worse.

I birthed a 10 pounder with no pain relief at all, and for what it's worth I was told at a 40 week scan that he was only 6lb!!

No way he put on 4 lbs in 18 days

So don't believe everything you're told!

Birth does not need to be medicalised. Women had home births without pain relief for years. It's just somehow become the norm to have drugs and go to hospital.

And I'm not asserting that birth is risk-free at all but I firmly believe that we are living in a generation of fear regarding labour with scare stories about horrific experiences being business as usual.

I'd like my daughters and all their friends in years to come if/when they have babies (they are currently 4 and 2 so a long way off!) to feel positive about labour and birth rather than scared or worried.

Babies are impacted by any drugs during labour so it's not about natural being cheaper! This can affect feeding and bonding which may in turn impact on the mother.

In anything you do, the power of the mind should never be underestimated. No it's not a given that you can get what you want by thinking/hoping for it but it's a start and a move in the right direction.