To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

I had a bizarre labor that in the end I found far less painful than I expected, and much, much easier, even when the baby turned (!) during labor(!), breaking my water when I was 8 cm and he went suddenly into a tilted breech position. Emergency c, still all far better than expected in terms of pain level and so on. But then postpartum threw me for a loop after several weeks, I think I hadn't taken it easy enough because I'd felt the entire process was just ridiculously easy compared to what I thought it'd be. Not everyone's experience, but I wanted to say it was mine -- easy labor/birth, hard postpartum.

Everyone is different but birth is a natural process and in my case my body took over and I felt I was along for the ride! C sections are amazing too but I'd try going natural in your case. Birth weight estimates aren't always that accurate. Good luck.

Just see how you go. I've had natural births with no pain relief and it was fine. No problem at all even with large birthweight and size. Staying upright through out helped and also that I had very quick labours. I was always worried beforehand on how it would be but once labour started I wasn't worried. Keep all options open as the focus is a safe birth and that you are ok.

Thank you all so much for your comments, I really do appreciate your words of wisdom. I think I've had a major wobble and nerves starting to kick in. I'm going to try my best to have an open frame of mind, stay as relaxed as possible and go into the birth as calm as possible.
The hypnobirthing language doesn't talk about pain, they talk about pressure which I've now realised is the same thing! Suppose it's easier to think of it as pressure than pain.

Do you think of your periods as pressure or pain? No getting away from it it is painful BUT there is a wonderful end product, it doesn't last for ever and women have been giving birth to children for thousands of years. And there is no shame in having pain relief if you choose to do so. Epidural for no1 birth was fab!

Good luck OP!

FWIW I planned to have (giant sized) DS2 in hospital with pain relief.

We barely made it to the hospital, no time for pain relief, it hurt for about 20 minutes then he was born! Apparently I asked for an epidural anyway . Obv. did not get one.

To be honest, the only "lie" about child birth is that there is any sense of "control" by the mother. You have to let go, and your body tells you what to do.

Size of baby is not relevant (weight), the only thing is "head size", body size or weight don't matter much.

Anyway, my giant-headed boy cause me no trouble. Wishing the same to you!

and yes to staying upright, as Nelly said. I kept walking through my labours, would have hated being in a bed. So avoid lying down IMO until the last moment.

I don't think 'luck' means women are passive victims. I am lucky to be fit, strong and well and I am lucky to have had straightforward labours with no tears or stitches. Some women have physical health issues to contend with or pregnancy/labour complications. They are unlucky. I refuse to take credit for my good fortune when I know many women who battle bravely with health issues.

Good luck OP, just play the hand you are dealt as it emerges. For me, it was a lot more painful than a broken leg (I didn't find my broken leg or wrist that painful, actually) but with breathing and support it was possible to ride the pain, but if it gets too much there are options. Ultimately, it is a means to an end and you will get there. Take care.

I went into labour thinking I could deal with it, but the pain really took me by surprise. I was adamant that I did not want an epidural, but after being induced, and being in the hospital for 36hours (I was not in labour that whole time, I was waiting to be induced for the first 6 hours and then waiting for anything to happen for the next 4-5hours) I was exhausted and fed up so by the time I got to 5cm and was on the drip, I needed pain relief. It upset me for a while that I didn't get the hypnobirth that I wanted but actually all that matters is that my dd arrived safely.
The best advice I can give you is relax, listen to your body not the books. If you have a c-section, or pain relief or you tear, then so be it, you are no better or worse a parent for it.

God but it annoys me when people say "yiy wouldn't have a tooth extraction without pain relief why would you have a baby without it?" Talk about comparing apples and blinking oranges

OP, birth tends to hurt. I had three vaginal deliveries without pain relief. It did hurt. But it was also wonderful, particularly ds2's birth (Ds3 decided to be born with both hands on his head which was a bit unkind of him and made for interesting sensations). If I was going to have a 4th I'd aim for vaginal delivery without pain relief again. Because that's what I want. You do what you want. Don't feel you have to go natural if you're not keen. Don't feel you have to go medically managed. If you and the baby are ok just go with what feels right for you. You can change your mind at almost any time. If I'd decided at any point in any of my births that pain relief was going to be helpful I'd have had it and not given it a second thought.
Wrt big bavies, my very petite friend K has dc. Her biggest baby (over 9 lb, close to 10 lb iirc) she says was by far the easiest to get out. A big baby does not necessarily mean a difficult birth.
Whatever choices you make I wish you and your baby well. Just remember, your choice is ok whatever it is!

I don't understand the obsession with not having pain relief. If you had a headache, you would take a paracetamol, but worst pain of your life you decline pain relief?! Like its some kind of badge of honour? You aren't a failure if you take up the option for pain relief that medical science has developed. Do people that insist in "natural" childbirth also decline anaesthetics if having an operation? No! It's all part of the ridiculous cult of childbirth where pain management is the devils work. Luckily our midwives were sensible and said have what you need, nobody gives you a medal for bravery in the way out.
I ❤️ epidural

Nobody has to either have or forgo pain relief in childbirth if it's not what they want, but there are legitimate reasons to choose to forgo it, including its potential effects on the baby and on establishing breastfeeding, and the tendency, for instance, of one intervention to prevent you from using your natural coping strategies, which worsens the pain and slows progress, which leads to more interventions.

I had a natural birth without anything other than water (and TENS in the early stages). It was an amazing experience that left me euphoric and feeling like an invincible warrior. I remember it fondly and actively look forward to doing it again. I understand now why people care about natural birth. By contrast, in early labour I was for a while on a monitor that kept me on my back and not moving, and that made the pain so much harder to deal with. There are a lot of factors, and some do come down to luck, but natural birth is not a lie. Being open is a good idea, as is being as fit and prepared as you can manage, and keeping your environment safe and in your control as long as you can, if possible.

Yes it's painful, but for most people it's not relentless. I mentally ticked off each contraction as being one nearer to the baby being born.

OP you will note that many, many posters on this thread have had multiple births.

Good luck. I hope it goes well

mouldycheesefan Not having pain relief isn't just about being brave or wanting to experience it 'natural'. For me I really don't want an epidural because of the risks involved (even though they are small) and because it slows down labour, means I'll be stuck in bed, and more likely to have other interventions. Other painkillers can make the baby drowsy especially if given just before baby is born. If it was entirely risk free, I would have said to my midwife definitely I want everything - because like you said why not? Instead I've said I'd like to avoid because I don't like the idea but of course if I'm in labour for a long time or can't cope and need it then I'll have it.

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but just wanted to say that I think a lot of having an "easy" labour is down to babies position. The fact that you have done Hypnobirthing will help you a lot, whatever happens during labour. My first labour wasn't as I had hoped, as dd was back to back, and I ended up with an episiotomy and on a drip to get contractions going again. Hypnobirthing helped immensely though and I was calm throughout and had laboured just is if gas and air (dd was 7lb3). I had my little boy at home in September, just using gas and air, and my Hypnobirthing techniques, and he was 10lb3. Labour was much easier as kept moving and upright/leaning forwards and his position was better. Didn't even need stitches (I have some tearing but it was fine and healed quickly).

My point is, you can't predict how labour will go. But you have prepared yourself as best you can. Keep an open mind, try to stay calm and accept whatever turn your labour takes and you will be fine I'm sure

there was an interesting comment in NYTimes over the weekend about pain relief:

Nearly every day in the ER, a man slowly walks in, bent over, moaning in pain, belt unbuckled, zipper down, grasping his side. It’s so classic that an RN has an IV ready to insert with 4 mg of Morphine sulfate ready to give. As soon as we determine the man is not allergic to morphine, the IV is inserted and the morphine is given...resulting in relief. And we just keep giving that morphine as long as he has pain.

In 47 years I have NEVER seen a woman come in that way as she passes a kidney stone causing that terrible pain.

Actually I will see a slight smile on the faces of women nurses and us women MDs--“So now YOU have some idea how much childbirth hurts!” Yet we have perfected the intervention of helping folks pass kidney stones with as much relief as we quickly can muster.

No one has ever said “Would like to pass that stone naturally? Would you prefer that we NOT give you pain medication?”

But we women do this to ourselves. Instead of howling “Give me an epidural NOW or I will throttle you!” We sigh, smile sweetly and say "I think I can hold on a little longer!”

Something which helped me a lot was remembering that, yes, it is painful (not gonna lie! I wasn't quiet as a mouse breathing serenely during my second labour, I was bellowing like a T-Rex to deal with the pain of surges), but it is a "healthy" pain (if labour is problem free). It's not a pain that means something is wrong or you are in danger, it is your body working and doing what it needs to, to birth your baby. I'm sure that you have covered that all in Hypnobirthing OP, but I definitely found that helped me to stay calm. If you panic the pain amplifies as adrenaline starts pumping and cancels out the oxytocin which will help act as a natural painkiller

I guess it's because, as described above, there's no concern about the pain relief effecting the kidney stone.
All pain relief except gas and air have some pretty big downsides so my approach was if I'm coping ok I won't have them. I was lucky and didn't need them.

The predicted weight is just an estimate. My baby was estimated at 8lb 8oz two days before birth, he was 7lb 7oz.

Having just given birth a couple of weeks ago, I would say try not to overthink it - it will just cause you anxiety. Just believe in yourself that you can deal with it - whatever happens. As others have said childbirth is so unpredictable.

My first birth was a twin birth, induction, epidural, episiotomy and ventouse. It was very intrusive I found, which is why the second time I wanted it to be as natural as possible.

My second birth was a water birth. I so preferred being in control and left to it - the midwives took a back seat and left me to start pushing when I wanted to, rather than anyone instructing me through out the whole thing. My baby turned out to be back to back, they say this is meant to be more painful but I don't have anything to compare - but I don't think I could have done it with no pain relief had I not been in the water. Would highly recommend a water birth if it's an option for you at the time.

Can anyone tell me about experiences with diamorphine? Our NCT teacher said it is a less risky opiate for the baby and that at my hospital there is an option of getting it early on so that you can sleep through some of the middle contractions (I think maybe say 4 to 8cam) then wake up refreshed. She said there was even a special room in the hospital called "The Nest" for that purpose! I think it sounds almost too good to be true.

Yes, I'd just like to reiterate - epidurals are bloody brilliant!

KatharinaRosalie plenty of women do scream 'GET ME THE F*!@KING EPIDURAL' and others don't need it. And a baby is not a kidney stone, and labour is not a sign that something is wrong. Women in full-blown labour don't do much being 'sweet', in my experience. I certainly didn't.

By all means have as many epidurals as you please, but it does not in any way match my lived experience that I forwent pain relief because I had been socialised to think I didn't 'deserve' it.

Mention epidural in your NCT class and you hear all about the risks and cascade of intervention and basically how dare you to expose your child to that horror.
In my case though I was traumatised by the pain (and physically injured due to it, as at one point, I had actually bitten my arm. Had a massive bruise for ages). I got upset for a long time every time I thought about the birth - and all the talk how you would feel no pain if you just prepare and relax properly, didn't help either. So it was basically my own fault I was in pain? Oh - medically had a textbook birth though, pats on the back about how well I coped. I did not cope!

In contrast to that, DC2's birth with epidural was a perfect, brilliant, lovely experience. No pain. No issues. After she was born, I felt like I could go and run a marathon on top. BUt of course, I took the easy way out and didn't really 'manage', did I.

Not planning any more kids, but if that happens, I am not going to 'cope' or 'manage' without drugs.

G5000, your NVR class may have been like that about epidurals, mine was very different. The teacher brought in the catheter tubing for us to see, explained the mechanics and we had a really interesting and balanced discussion.

My last birth was a natural water birth with aromatherapy, and was by far the best. DS2 did get stuck twice, first his head, then his shoulders, and I had to get out of the pool to deliver his shoulders, but it was absolutely lovely. I will say, aromatherapy does fuck all for me, but the very warm water did make it less painful.