To report her if she does it again?

[Amy214]

Last weekend SIL had a big night out with friends (normal for her) she was really drunk and threw up. She popped round to our house the next day with the 2 children (under 5) after approximately 6-8 hours sleep, she still seemed pretty out of it (basically passed out on the sofa at one point) she complained that she still felt sick and dizzy. After 2 hours she finally left with her 2 children and drove home, i was sick with worry but they were ok. After a long discussion with dm i knew i should have reported her at the time. I have tried to discuss this with db but he doesn't seem to care (i did tell him that its not only her kids in the car with her its the innocent family going about their daily life that she may seriously injure) i was told that i was being stupid and that i should mind my own business i live in scotland the drink driving laws have changed and are different from the rest of the uk, she would've still been way over the limit the next day. Would it be U to report her? Not only to the police but social services aswell? I don't want them to lose their children but i think she needs some help.

Oooh, don't forget to tell them she isn't a bad mother while you report her for not neglecting the kids or drink driving!

No op i am not an alkie in fact i rarely drink as it appears the older i have become the less tolerance i have.

I am defensive because you are convinced your sil has a drink problem yet there is no real evidence of this. What your sil does have is a DH problem and a judgemental sil problem.

Maybe she would drink less if she didnt have to worry about you two?

I know ss offer help which is what she may need. I know they are not there to 'take your children' but to offer support. I thought that they may be able to offer something that we can't. I was not going to report her to ss to be a complete bitch and get her punished but to give her the nudge in the right direction. I haven't reported her to anyone.

What direction is that OP?

What is actually wrong with your sil parenting that she needs ss to nudge her?

You have zero evidence that she has a drink problem yet you feel ss can help. Wouldnt your first port of call be AA?

Pearl i did say what she had to drink.

SS may be able to offer help that you can't, but how clear have you been with SIL that you see her drinking as a problem that might require outside intervention?

I simply cannot imagine calling an outside agency on a family member without having spelled out how seriously I see the situation in no uncertain terms, multiple times.

Well kitty she doesn't actually have a drinking problem you see? Shes actually got a problem with me and db. We're the ones that drive her to drink. So i thought i better just call the ss, oh and whilst im at it call them on myself as im clearly a horrible mother that deserve my dd.

Doesnt deserve *

OP, honestly I don't think you can win this particular argument here, so if I were you I just hide this now tbh.

I don't know what your motives are and I am just assuming you are genuine when you say you are concerned as that is how your posts have come across to me, but I know nobody really knows each other on here and how much you miss when conversations are conducted purely by text.

Anyway, I hope you find the right way to proceed. This thread is evidence that people do not like it when they feel as if they or someone else is being judged for their lifestyle, (especially where alcohol is concerned IMHO); and fair enough, judgy pants are a pretty unattractive personality trait, it's just that isn't how I interpreted your posts.

People can become very defensive when they think they are being accused of having a drinking problem even when (or maybe especially when) they do! This was my experience at least. I guess offer as much support as you can; it sounds like you do a lot already. I might try talking to your brother or SIL again, but it's so sensitive. It's very difficult to know what is the best thing to suggest but I would definitely try to find a way to talk to them again without causing chaos and definitely not make any reports against them. I wish you all the best. It's awful when you feel as if you just know there is a problem but can't prove it or do much about it.

So i thought i better just call the ss, oh and whilst im at it call them on myself as im clearly a horrible mother that deserve my dd.

And where did i say or even imply that

Thing is OP you have no reason to call ss and you came on this thread expecting posters to agree with you.

You want to help sil? Then speak to your manchild of a brother and get him to step up as a parent and a partner. That would be tbe right place to start.

"puts the children to bed early rather than spending time with them, she doesn't see them all day."

Your posts ooze disapproval and dislike for your SIL. If she's drink driving report to police when it's actually happening.
But stick to unchanging facts as all this changing 'facts' and judgements on her life beyond the drinking just make you sound like you have a grievance and are seeking out issues.

kitty you said upthread "I have a glass of wine every night" and "I occasionally enjoy a boozy party and last week went on an all weekend hen do". That doesn't tally with your post that you rarely drink.

I think op that you and SIL are clearly different characters with different parenting styles. I think you have had an awful ride on this thread by some complete dog with a bone posters who were clearly bored and fancied hounding someone today
Only you know your family situation, only you knew what SIL was like. It does sound like there are lots of issues, just please try and talk with them rather than reporting. In your shoies, if I had suspected SIL was still pissed/unfit to drive, I would have taken her keys and insisted on taking them all home. But I am the eldest sibling and a bit bossy.
I would stop worrying and start talking.

I can see why kitty is angry. This thread is ridiculous. Constant reminders of SCOTTISH LAW. Strangers diagnosing alcoholism
Based on a hangover and drinking when the children are in bed. An OP who lets an apparently drunk SIL drive her children home without doing anything then decides the next day she should report her to SS. What a crock.

Kitty you are making me out to be a horrible vindictive bitch when i am not, i know she has a problem. I already do so much to help that i thought she may need some outside help, someone that doesn't know her. I don't know who that may be as i don't know what kind of help is out there and as you suggest that my 'manchild' brother needs help then ss may be able to help them as a family which i would love. They are a lovely couple with adorable children who i love and would hate to see any of them hurt. But you make it sound as though i hate sils guts (i don't) i really want to help but i don't/wouldn't know where to begin as i know they are very defensive when they are accused of doing something/saying wrong. I know i would be very defensive if someone accused me of being an alcoholic, i never said she was an alcoholic just that something isn't right, my guts tells me this and i always trust it.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle i do want to help but as i have said ^ i don't know what more i can do. I feel as though i already do enough and i can't do anymore. I just want someone to tell me the right things to say (even though i know that is impossible as no one here knows her)

kitty you said upthread "I have a glass of wine every night" and "I occasionally enjoy a boozy party and last week went on an all weekend hen do". That doesn't tally with your post that you rarely drink.

A glass of wine as in one. Its getting hammered i cant tolerate.

Amy, I gave you a very clear suggestion of what to say upthread.

Dontyoulovecalpol because they are defensive people, i trusted her judgement then second guessed myself and thought that i was wrong to let her go. I made a mistake just as she has made a mistake aswell. I mentioned the law more than once because no one seemed to understand that its different here.

I have done no such thing OP. I have put your own words back to you and asked questions.

As i said you geniunily want to help then sit them both down and tell them that last week you wanted to call ss because you are concerned that sil is drinking too much and db is a shit parent. Maybe that will give them a nudge?

joellevandyne sorry i may have missed that, i just went back and found it and yes that is very sound advice. Thank you.

Joelle, I rather think op has been too busy fighting her corner today!
I don't think Op started brilliantly, but reading the whole thread is a not nice experience and some people do not come across well.

Lizzy, I know, I was just pointing it out as it was what she was asking for and she seemed to have missed it.

Kitty if i said something like that then they would bite my head off. I would obviously need to reword it and say they need to take some time to themselves suggest a date night or something so they can discuss their issues. As i feel that they have underlying problems that may be contributing to sils stress and making her want to have a drink to help her. Maybe also suggest that db works less hours and they take some time as a family (when they went on a family holiday for a week it was the happiest i ever seen them) obviously they can't go on holiday all the time (wouldn't that be nice though)