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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report her if she does it again?

239 replies

Amy214 · 09/07/2016 23:25

Last weekend SIL had a big night out with friends (normal for her) she was really drunk and threw up. She popped round to our house the next day with the 2 children (under 5) after approximately 6-8 hours sleep, she still seemed pretty out of it (basically passed out on the sofa at one point) she complained that she still felt sick and dizzy. After 2 hours she finally left with her 2 children and drove home, i was sick with worry but they were ok. After a long discussion with dm i knew i should have reported her at the time. I have tried to discuss this with db but he doesn't seem to care (i did tell him that its not only her kids in the car with her its the innocent family going about their daily life that she may seriously injure) i was told that i was being stupid and that i should mind my own business Confused i live in scotland the drink driving laws have changed and are different from the rest of the uk, she would've still been way over the limit the next day. Would it be U to report her? Not only to the police but social services aswell? I don't want them to lose their children but i think she needs some help.

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 20:02

I think its you that is projecting stevie and yes you have misenterpreted my posts.

So OP your brother is pretty shit too then.
He is incapable of buy food for his children, tidying up after himself or enduring his children dont eat glass yet your main concern on this thread is the sil drinking Hmm

FeckArseIndustries · 10/07/2016 20:04

I don't want them to lose their children but i think she needs some help
Why don't you help her then? I.e. "You're not well, go home and sleep it off, you can pick up the kids at 4.30" or whatever.

You contradict yourself a lot. You said you asked her if she was ok to drive, and you believed her when she said yes. So she was fine? So what's to report then?

You also keep describing things related to excessive drinking such as bottles being left around and her saying 'can't wait til the kids are in bed so I can have a wine' everyone on facebook says this every fucking day. But then you say 'I don't think she's an alcoholic'. Don't you? What's the problem then?

What are you going to say to the police and social services when you report this:
YOU: "Hello, I'd like to report my SIL. She is not an alcoholic, and was fine to drive home the other day".
THEM: "Yeah, that's not really a crime..."
YOU: "But my brother works EVERY DAY, and she stays at HOTELS"
THEM: "Still not a crime."
YOU: "Why are you getting angry with me. I never said it was a crime. Now why aren't you arresting her and taking away the children and giving my brother a free holiday and a harder working wife who I like more?"

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 10/07/2016 20:05

Well yes I just said I might be projecting and have been quite open about it. Projecting doesn't always have to be an insult btw, I will freely admit that my experience with my mum has changed my perspective on alcoholism and alcohol abuse; how could it not?

Well, I do apologise for misinterpreting the tone of your posts kitty. That's the problem with conversations by text I suppose!

ricketytickety · 10/07/2016 20:05

Are you able to ask her if everything is ok? Maybe that's the start to her opening up and saying she feels she's drinking too much/to de-stress and it's got a little out of control. Be open and listen. Going straight in and asking her if she's got a drink problem won't help and she'll likely shut you out. There isn't going to be a quick fix to this.

I would say that if she's not putting her children at direct risk and someone is looking after them when she drinks then you can concentrate on seeing if she's ok with things. The glass bottles are worrying but not a massive risk so don't go there immediately. It will make them defensive. Db will not want to admit there's a problem if it will make his life difficult perhaps...and besides he can't really do anything about it himself.

So all in all I think you need to check in with her and make sure she's happy and see if you can support her in some way, rather than tackling the drink problem straight on.

Pearlman · 10/07/2016 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ricketytickety · 10/07/2016 20:08

And don't report her, just say 'stay here and go up and have a sleep - I'll look after the children for you' or suchlike (as suggested upthread). That will hopefully prevent her driving at all. Or offer her a lift.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 20:09

See stevie are other posters projecting and are anry too?

Yes the OP is full of contridictions and doesnt answer questions relating to her brothers behaviour and parenting but is quick to label the sil a problem drinker.

ricketytickety · 10/07/2016 20:10

pearl glass bottles on low coffee table in lounge

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 20:12

I had plenty of dangerous glass things about when mine were young. They never broke any then walked on it or ate it although they now as teenagers break everything they touch so why tbe OP has this fear is strange.

Pearlman · 10/07/2016 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ricketytickety · 10/07/2016 20:15

I've not read it as op attacking sil. I've read it as her genuinely not knowing what to do when she picks up the children after having a night on the booze and being over the limit. It must be very worrying thinking the children are unsafe in the car with her.

Confronting someone about drink driving and them saying 'no I'll still do it it's only 5 mins' and they insist on driving gives you 3 options, all scary. You can take the keys, let them go off and report, let them go off and ignore. The first 2 are likely to lead to massive argument in front of children, the latter an accident is possible but not definite. In theory its easy - you persuade them to stay or take the keys. But in reality we act very differently because we don't want confrontation or to upset people.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 20:17

My take on the thread.

OP dislikes sil especially since she started going out more an db stays in.
Sil may or may not have been over the limit yet OP let her drive, trusted her then uses it to say she has a drink problem.
DB is a manchild who apparently works 7 days a week but in not capable of shopping, cleaning up or keeping his children out of harms way.
OP would rather just lay all the nlame at sil feet instead of admitting her DB is shit and is as much of a problem as his sifes drinking is.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 10/07/2016 20:18

See stevie are other posters projecting and are anry too?

Sorry, what do you mean please? Is that because some other posters have come on to agree with you and you think I would accuse anyone who disagrees with me of projecting and being angry? That's not so.

Your posts did appear angry to me (the one where you called the OP a complete cow for example), where others' didn't. But you have explained you aren't angry and that I have misinterpreted. I accept that.

I would never be deliberately combative on this subject as it isn't a game with winners and losers. It doesn't matter who gets the last word on this thread to me, I just have (I hope understandably), strong trepidation when I read that someone thinks someone close to them is showing signs of alcohol abuse. But, as I've said, I have no idea if the OP is a raving prude / overly dramatic, I just don't think even a slight hunch about alcohol abuse should be too readily dismissed. I'm repeating myself a lot I know, but again, I know I could be overly worried about this subject due to my experience with my late mother.

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 20:18

FeckArseIndustries the children are at my mothers house everyday mon-fri what more could she do?
My brother is a horrible person, hes a shit parent is that what you want me to say? I know they have there problems but this wasn't about my brother was it? Her son stayed at my house that night but she still went out rather than have a rest and recover. No the bottles weren't in the kitchen they were on the coffee table in the livingroom.

OP posts:
Pearlman · 10/07/2016 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ricketytickety · 10/07/2016 20:20

I agree. The glass bottles aren't great, but the children aren't at a very high risk of knocking them over and breaking them - although that is still a risk.

It's one part of the bigger picture though. In isolation and a one off not so much.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 20:22

Her son stayed at my house that night

No he didnt you said she popped round that morning with her 2 children both under 5. At no point did you say her son stayed with you.

Contradictions again OP?

ricketytickety · 10/07/2016 20:24

I agree about the bottles...but not that the whole thread is a lifestyle disapproval (though accept it may be - we don't know). I think if you suspect a drink problem, giving support to allow her to talk and maybe keeping the children and offering a bed to sleep it off is your best bet for next time.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 20:24

Oh do you mean the night after the hotel night? So where did the other child stay? Did she have to drive that child back to your house? Where was your brother?

FeckArseIndustries · 10/07/2016 20:25

Well if the children are at your mother's house then they are being looked after aren't they? She's sorted appropriate childcare, fine.

You can't say 'it's not about my brother'. It is. If you're saying SS need involving because the parenting of these children is inadequate, neglectful and harmful, then that is as much about your brother as it is about SIL. DO the kids need taking off them or not?

Pearlman · 10/07/2016 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 20:25

You are forgetting i know these children they are very quick to grab, the one year old is quick to put things in his mouth as is any child. Sorry that my brother works everyday in a very demanding job (works for a water company, and is on call everyday, if there is a breakdown there is no water and you lot complain) and is too tired to even move when he gets in, my sil understands this (she works in the same company but in the office) she see's everything he does and appreciates that he works his ass off to keep a roof over their head.

OP posts:
Pearlman · 10/07/2016 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 20:29

Oh so sil works full time and manages the home and kids while your brother does fuck all and still sil is at fault Confused

So if they are at yoyr mums all day and in bed by 630 everynight when are they at risk of eating broken bottles?
Sil has 2 children and i doubt you know thise kids better than their own mother.

Are you jelous of her OP?

GrandmaJosephine · 10/07/2016 20:31

You need to talk to her and yes, take the keys off her if you are present next time. Better still, hide the keys beforehand and tell her your reasons for doing so.

It will be awful but not as awful as deaths on your conscience.

If after all that she persists in drink driving I think reporting her may be the wake up call she needs.

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