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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report her if she does it again?

239 replies

Amy214 · 09/07/2016 23:25

Last weekend SIL had a big night out with friends (normal for her) she was really drunk and threw up. She popped round to our house the next day with the 2 children (under 5) after approximately 6-8 hours sleep, she still seemed pretty out of it (basically passed out on the sofa at one point) she complained that she still felt sick and dizzy. After 2 hours she finally left with her 2 children and drove home, i was sick with worry but they were ok. After a long discussion with dm i knew i should have reported her at the time. I have tried to discuss this with db but he doesn't seem to care (i did tell him that its not only her kids in the car with her its the innocent family going about their daily life that she may seriously injure) i was told that i was being stupid and that i should mind my own business Confused i live in scotland the drink driving laws have changed and are different from the rest of the uk, she would've still been way over the limit the next day. Would it be U to report her? Not only to the police but social services aswell? I don't want them to lose their children but i think she needs some help.

OP posts:
MrsJoeyMaynard · 10/07/2016 07:19

This might sound like a stupid question, but is she aware that you can still be over the drink drive limit the day after if you've been drinking the night before? It'd be worth talking to her to point that out just in case she mistakenly thought she'd be okay to drive after a few hours sleep, and remind her that there'd be all sorts of trouble if the police were to pull her over the day after a big night out.

But I agree with pp - if she does this again, stop her from driving. If you can't, report to police. She's endangering not only herself but other road users if she's drink driving.

MrsJaxTeller · 10/07/2016 07:19

6=8 hours sleep is enough to sober up most people.

Depending on how many units of alcohol people consume on a night out no it's not. The OP said her SIL had a big night out and had consumed quite a lot of alcohol. The drink drive limit in Scotland is much less than the rest of the UK. 1 unit of alcohol takes around 1 hour to leave your body. One large glass of wine can contain 3 units of alcohol so 2 glasses could take 6 hours for the alcohol to leave your body. That's hardly sober to drive after a big night out.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 07:27

I dont see what reporting her now will solve?
There is only your say so she was over the limit there is no evidence so what can the police do?
Also why ss are they not good parents?

I would tell your db that if in future you suspect sil is over the limit you will report her. Hopefully she wont drive hungover again.

Janecc · 10/07/2016 08:34

My DH went out with friends years ago when we lived in Germany. A friend was driving. They got stopped drink driving at around 2/3am. I went and collected them all from the police station at about 7am and was given the car keys in the understanding that my DH could collect his friends car no earlier than 2pm. His friend was instantly banned from driving in the country for 2 years so someone else had to drive the car to the French border.

That's a whopping 12 hours to metabolise. What your sil did was very dangerous and if she refuses to stop, it is your duty to report her.

hotdiggedy · 10/07/2016 11:06

Speak to her and make it clear to her that she cant do it and she needs to sort herself out and then make it clear to her that you will call the police if she carries one even just once more.

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 11:58

Her problem with alcohol is getting increasingly worse which is why im worried incase it happens again. I don't understand why she done it as we were discussing the change in laws at a family dinner before this happened (because i didn't want a glass of wine as i was driving) i didn't know what to do at the time as i was just so shocked that she was willing to put her childrens lives in danger. She has never done this before (that i know of) all i done was ask if she was sure she was ok to drive and she said she was. She doesn't stop at a glass of wine, she binge drinks.

maxeffort0satisfaction She knows that we would drive her home but she insisted she was fine i trusted her judgement, it is her body she knows it better than me. I drive with hardly any distraction and driving whilst on speakerphone is stupid, driving whilst tired is just as bad aswell.

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 12:23

In what way is her alcohol intake worse?

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 14:32

Before dnephew was born she used to have the occasional night out (SIL and db used to go out in turns) it would only be for one night, but now shes going out for the full weekend and staying at a hotel and my db doesn't get any time with his friends (maybe he doesn't want to go out) and now shes drinking on week days once the children are in bed. She always talks about she 'can't wait until the kids are in bed so she can have a drink'
She works part time and dm looks after the children through the week. I said earlier that when i've visited the house there is empty bottles lying around within the reach of the young children.

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 14:36

Why would empty bottles be an issue if they are in reach of the children?

TBH op I think you are over invested. Speak to your DB about your concerns but you need to know when to step away.
Sounds like you don't care much for your sil.

Janecc · 10/07/2016 14:44

It sounds like alcoholism tbh. She needs help. It also sounds as if your Db is putting his head in the sand. Someone needs to act like a grown up. Sorry but if it's as bad as you say, I'd be monitoring the situation and if nothing improves, I think it may be necessary report them to social services. Not with a view to having the children removed but to see if she will sober up/go to aa. I appreciate she can't be forced otherwise it won't work.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 14:54

Jesus Christ!

How the hell can you diagnose her as a alcoholic are you an expert?

I have a glass of wine with dinner every night. I have empty wine bottles in my kitchen that are waiting to go to the bottle bank.
I occasionally enjoy a boozy party and last week went on an all weekend hen do.
I am not an alcoholic, my children are not neglected but according to you it warrants a SS visit Hmm

SlimCheesy2 · 10/07/2016 14:58

I am a recovering alcoholic. She sounds at the very least a problem drinker and no, you absolutely should not be driving the day after. (My line in the sand was driving when over the limit..... I would take my son to school on the bus rather than drive, so even in the throes of my darkest days i had some sense). It takes about 14 hours for a single bottle of wine to pass through your system, so a heavy night out will have ramifications the next day.

I'd call the police to be honest. I still regret not calling the police on a former friend when he drove hammered.

snorepatrol · 10/07/2016 15:03

Right so you knew she was over the limit, let her drive away without saying anything to her and now want to report her to the police and social services.

Did I miss the bit where you have a friendly chat with her or do you want to go straight from nothing to police?
Personally I would have a word with her and tell her that she was wrong to drive that and if you find out she's driven like that again you'll be reporting it.

It seems a bit strange you're happy to tell the police, social services and an online forum but won't say anything to her face and gladly wave her off to drive home over the limit.

Worst case scenario she falls out with you, how will that be any different to her reaction if she realises you've phoned the police.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 10/07/2016 15:06

My late DMum was an alcoholic and we had to hide car keys from her. The problem is when you're drunk you don't have the sense to know you shouldn't drive drunk! You were sober and should have stopped her, but I get why that's easier said than done. You could have done more I think.

I don't know what to suggest re reporting. I would speak to your brother again first and mention your worries about her drinking and especially driving with their children in the car when she is still pissed from the night before. From my experience with my mum, if she has a real problem with alcohol there is a good chance she won't listen to sense if you speak to her yourself, even though it concerns the welfare of her children Sad. Poor woman and poor family.

KellyElly · 10/07/2016 15:07

Two separate issues here - the drink driving, you say is not a normal occurrence as far as you are aware. You should have addressed it with her at the time. An anonymous call is a shitty thing to do. Offer to drive or whatever and say that if she does it again you'll have to report her.

Second issue, her drinking. You don't know she's an alcoholic. I'm assuming your brother isn't. If he's there to care for the kids when she's drunk of an evening and they're in bed, I don't see this as an issue to start calling social services over. If it was him that was the big drinker would you feel the same? Or is it because she's the mother? If so, that's really wrong. As long as there's someone responsible there if anything happens with the kids, it's not your business.

GabsAlot · 10/07/2016 15:23

she doesnt know her own body or how much alcohol is stil in her blood

thats what everyone thinks they feel fine but theyre not

6 hours sleep is not enough

police wont do anything now theres no proof

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 15:28

I would feel the same if he was drunk while looking after the children, he works all the time so he wouldn't be in the house to supervise. As i said i have tried talking to my db but he doesn't see a problem. I do see her on a daily basis but she doesn't see whats so wrong. Even though we had a discussion at a family dinner about drinking and driving the next day we both agreed that the law had changed (we wouldn't do it) and we were trying to tell db that even a bottle of beer is enough to send you over the limit even if you feel fine. He has been caught drink driving before so he should know what happens. Maybe he wants her to learn the hard way?
I would feel the same way if any member of my family was drink driving.

OP posts:
Pearlman · 10/07/2016 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littleballerina · 10/07/2016 15:36

I don't know why you would even question it. I couldn't care less who it is.

Pearlman · 10/07/2016 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 15:49

Pearlman she was still out of it when she was sitting in my house the next day at 2pm. We were talking about her night and she had a lot to drink she never got home until 4am. The law is different here in scotland, half a pint could put you over the limit with it staying on your record for a minimum of 20 years. No matter how long ago you had a drink or how little, you are still a criminal in the eyes of the law.

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 15:52

You are pretty much avoiding questions arent you.

All you actually want to hear is that you are right and your sil is an alcoholic.

You are not very nice and i actually dont think you do care about the kids otherwise hou would have stopped/reported her that day. You just dislike your sil and want to get one over on her.
I think she and your db should go nc with you otgerwuse i think you will ruin their lives.

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 15:59

Kittylaroux how am i avoiding questions?
I don't agree with drink driving just like i don't agree with texting whilst driving or being on the phone at all.

OP posts:
Janecc · 10/07/2016 16:01

Kitty. Turning your comment straight back at you. You are actually not being very nice to op. Op is worried about the children. I know quite a lot about alcohol abuse thank you. Alcoholism is actually a very poorly defined term, which is possibly why you are confused.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 16:02

Really. So worried she let sil who she had a strong suspision of being over the limit and not fit to drive.....drive them home.

Yeah ok then Hmm

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