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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report her if she does it again?

239 replies

Amy214 · 09/07/2016 23:25

Last weekend SIL had a big night out with friends (normal for her) she was really drunk and threw up. She popped round to our house the next day with the 2 children (under 5) after approximately 6-8 hours sleep, she still seemed pretty out of it (basically passed out on the sofa at one point) she complained that she still felt sick and dizzy. After 2 hours she finally left with her 2 children and drove home, i was sick with worry but they were ok. After a long discussion with dm i knew i should have reported her at the time. I have tried to discuss this with db but he doesn't seem to care (i did tell him that its not only her kids in the car with her its the innocent family going about their daily life that she may seriously injure) i was told that i was being stupid and that i should mind my own business Confused i live in scotland the drink driving laws have changed and are different from the rest of the uk, she would've still been way over the limit the next day. Would it be U to report her? Not only to the police but social services aswell? I don't want them to lose their children but i think she needs some help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 16:06

kitty your comment is very hurtful, of course i am worried about the children just as i am worried about her. If she needs help then i will be more than happy to help. Im not convinced she is an alcoholic, im just worried she has a problem. And i want other peoples opinion on it. People that don't know us in RL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 16:07

kitty i asked if she was ok to drive home to which she said she was fine and it was only 5 minutes.

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 16:11

Kittylaroux how am i avoiding questions?

I asked you how the empty bottles are a risk to the children. You never answered but made that comment as if she was leaving ysed needles lying about.

You have said she goes out a bit more than before and your poor poor brother doesnt.
I sometimes but on fb or say to friends " god its been a tough day cant waut for dc to to go to bed and gave a gin" Nine times out of ten i dont but it is just something people say like wine o clock.

Hou have no actual evidence OP yet you are quick to condem your sil.
Yes you are right she should not have driven tbat day bug you lise the moral high ground there as you allowed her to.

Cloudhopping · 10/07/2016 16:14

How do you know she was over the limit?

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 16:17

Cloudhopping read up thread, laws are different here than the rest of the uk.

OP posts:
Janecc · 10/07/2016 16:18

kitty So are you fortunate enough to have wonderful family relations? People who drink too much don't want to be told.

We went away with brother, Sil and their young son. My brother drank a lot until the early hours the first night then drove early the following day. On the last day, he proceeded to drink 3 pints just before taking a 1.5 hour car journey with son and wife. He knew it was wrong and had decided to "only have 2". Then all of a sudden he appeared with a 3rd pint. His wife was already over the limit. What was dh and I supposed to do? We were appalled. I've tried to say something before but I'm shouted down by both brother and his wife as nasty and unreasonable.

That's when we decided we wouldn't get in a situation with them like that again. We imagine this is a regular event but we live hours apart. If it happens again, I'll definitely report the incident to the police. Sil doesn't think she has a problem with alcohol anymore because she doesn't drink in the morning anymore. Hmm

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 16:23

Did you report him. You should have done but then you KNEW he was over the limit. You witnessed it the OP didnt.

So instesd has chosen to make assumptions on sil life based on nothing more than a few empty bottles ( i have loads in my kitchen awsiting the bottle bank) and the fact she stayed in a hotel and db doesnt go out much. So now sil apparently has a drink problem.......

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 10/07/2016 16:25

Obviously I can't speak for the OP's SIL, but I do know what it's like to live with an alcoholic (definite, bona fide alcoholic - no grey area).

At the start it was just a 'feeling' that the way in which my mum drank wasn't healthy and it took a long time for us to realise there was a real problem and much, much longer for her to admit it. If the OP has a genuine concern about someone's drinking then it doesn't hurt to investigate in some way - how to do it without causing offence / unnecessary drama is another matter.

Also, my dad denied my mum had a drinking problem too as he was in denial / embarrassed? Who knows?

Anyway, she got a lot worse but it did take years for her to become a very obvious alcoholic (drinking at all hours of the day and in secret if she thought people might comment on her drinking any more in public, then not taking care of her personal hygiene, hiding beer cans in her wardrobe etc).

She was well off and had a decent job (which obviously she lost eventually), had a family etc. It happens.

I'm not saying it is happening to the OP's SIL, but at the same time nobody can say it definitely won't. .

Janecc · 10/07/2016 16:29

kitty. It's a really big thing to grass up someone, especially with my family history. Yes I knew. I was also scared of the implications. I'm chronically ill and wasn't looking to be abused or even hit by my family. And yes, if my brother ever pushes me around or threatens to punch me again, I will report him. He is golden boy and my mother is truly and abysmally awful to me as well so it's not like I'd have anyone to support me. So don't assume everything in life is all so simple.

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 16:38

KittyLaRoux no you haven't understood my original post. Usually she stays overnight at a hotel but on this occasion she came home as she was sick and wanted home comforts (understandable) so instead of staying the night and the following day at the hotel, she decided to drive to my house. To which i then asked her if she had a good night as she looked rough, she then told me how much she had drank which is classed as binge drinking in this country. So therefore would be way over the limit if she had been stopped.

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 16:40

It is a big thing yet there are posters on here telling the OP to call ss. Based on what?

It is one thing to witness dd and do nothing about it. Its another to assume somebody is over the limit, do nothing then post on a forum that sil has a drink problem Hmm

Like i said i dont think OP likes her sil.

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 16:41

Janecc. I'm not saying my family life is the same as yours but i do understand how scared you would have been. My db and SIL are very defensive even if they know they are wrong, which is why i hate the thought of trying to discuss things with them. This is why it took me so long to think of the right thing to say to db and i was told i was being stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 16:42

kitty where have you gotten the impression that i do not like my sil?

OP posts:
Pearlman · 10/07/2016 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 16:49

All of your assumptions OP.

LockedOutOfMN · 10/07/2016 16:54

Agree with apple1992 (and others) that you must speak to her directly, and encourage others such as your brother, (I know you said he is turning a blind eye), mother and your sister-in-law's own family or friends to speak to her as well.

Calling the police should only be the very last resort.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 16:55

So she didnt stay in the hotel as she felt ill. Yet you say she was rough from drinking.
You say she binge drank most people on such nights out but she could have drank lots early evening, felt ill stopped and went home.

Which is it OP?

Its like you wsnt her to be an alcoholic/gave a drink problem.
You still have not explained why empty nottles in reach of children are a problem?

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 16:55

I was simply telling you all what we discussed which lead me to believe that she will still be over the limit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 16:58

I said she normally stayed out at a hotel, we discussed what happened on her night out as she looked hellish.

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 16:59

So why let her drive home?

See you have no real proof do you?

Again for the forth time why are the empty bottles an issue? Why is her going out more than your brother an issue? Why is her staying in a hotel an issue?
Or is the isdue you dont like her?

There is nothing about your dil behaviour that screams drink problem. Despute how you try and make it one.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 10/07/2016 17:02

Getting so drunk to the point of throwing up on a regular basis is a form of alcohol dependency ffs.

Not all alcoholics are down the corner shop as soon as it opens for their first can of cider.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/alcohol.html

Alcoholism is being dependent on alcohol for one or many reasons which the OP's SIL is clearly exhibiting because she needs a drink every night, is focused on that drink and can't control her drinking of a weekend and regularly goes OTT.

We need to stop focusing on the old, outdated idea of what alcohol misuse and dependency is because its stopping people from being adequately treated.

OP your SIL needs support.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Alcohol-misuse/Pages/Treatment.aspx

www.alcoholconcern.org.uk/help-and-advice/statistics-on-alcohol/

Janecc · 10/07/2016 17:05

Amy. It's classic isn't it. You're being stupid. Look I don't know. Perhaps my answers were clouded by my experience but I'm just going by what you said about her not being able to wait until 6.30 and having the kids tucked up in bed. It sounded like an habitual thing along with the comment about empty bottles being around and accessible by the children and going out regularly and staying in a hotel. My friend and I joke about "wine o'clock" or needing a stiff gin. I hardly ever drink. Neither does she. Only you can tell - not some strangers on the Internet.

PirateFairy45 · 10/07/2016 17:06

So you think she's an alcoholic?

Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 17:07

What was i meant to do? Other than take the keys off of someone who already is very defensive? I am not the type of person to get into a fight.

I don't have an issue with who goes out more, i just thought they would have equal nights out like before. I don't care if she stays in a hotel just that its happening more often which i would prefer her to do than put other peoples lives at risk.

There is a 1 year in the house, this 1 year old can reach glass bottles. Explain to me how that is acceptable? Say he reaches for this glass bottle it falls off and he walks over broken glass, plays with it or even sticks in his mouth...

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy214 · 10/07/2016 17:07

I don't think she is an alcoholic

OP posts:
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