Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and hen costs... AIBU

135 replies

Redpencomment · 09/07/2016 12:53

I'll be a bridesmaid for friend who is getting married in the Bahamas in 2018. She has sent round an email estimating flight and hotel costs at £600 minimum and has instructed people to start saving. This estimate does not include spending money etc. On top of this I'll be buying a wedding gift. She hasnt mentioned buying the bridesmaids dresses so I might have to fork out for that and shoes aswell.

She has now dropped that she wants a hen night abroad (also in 2018 but in Albania). Shes sent another email to me and 10 other hens saying costs for flights and accommodation are estimated at minimum £450. Again, not including spending money and nights out, drinks etc.

Really? I don't have children and I would be able to fund this. I being unreasonable for thinking this is all a little OTT? I'd rather spend that £450 estimate for the hen night and go on a holiday. Either that or put it in my damn savings!

Am I being mean?

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/07/2016 11:59

I'd run away now very fast.

Alternatively you could email and say that with the fall in the pound and the lack of detail in her invitation you are conservatively estimating £XXX pounds as you are assuming that she is not proposing to subsidise your costs as a bridesmaid in any way and so regretfully you have to decline bridesmaids duties as it is unaffordable for you to spend X.

Itemise everything in your estimate - it really adds up.

MissBattleaxe · 11/07/2016 14:12

Op, if you agree to go, then you will be stuck if your circumstances change. What if you're saving up and you end up buying a house or a car or even being made redundant or something?

TBH I would find it hard to be friends with anyone who gave me two years notice to a Caribbean wedding and instructed me to "start saving". What a build up! It's only a wedding! I doubt the Queen's Coronation took two years to arrange.

The bridesmaid thing isn't an honour, it's an invoice.

OpheIiaBaIIs · 11/07/2016 15:19

Last year I received an email from a close friend informing me that her wedding would be held in a distant-from-me location, along with details of the hotel the guests were staying at (requiring a two-night stay, because it was so far away). Then there was the cost of travel to said location for the three of us, and the theme - yes, theme - which required all guests to buy/wear Downton Abbey-style evening dress. Oh, and the gift, which was a donation to the honeymoon, each guest given a ticky-boxy choice of donation (cheapest was £75), although we could 'feel free' to buy a gift, too (yeah, no). And of course, the hen weekend - a trip to Barcelona which would 'only' cost £500pp because she planned to book early. Which didn't include spending money, drinks, etc. So, well over £1300 all-in.

I was told, very sternly, that she was telling me with a year to go so I had plenty of time to save, and she wouldn't accept the 'excuse' that I couldn't afford it given she had given me plenty of warning. At the time DH was facing possible redundancy and I was unable to work due to illness.

I ignored the email. And the 'friend'. No regrets, whatsoever.

Whatever happened to weddings being a gathering of your nearest and dearest to see you say your vows, and a lovely celebration after? The expense and one-upmanship is a bit obscene imo, and a pretty tacky way to start married life. And it seems to cause so many rifts and so much awkwardness. Just horrible.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/07/2016 16:04

Ahem - 18 months to plan the coronation according to this
www.royalcollection.org.uk/exhibitions/the-queens-coronation-1953/planning-and-preparation

Presumably your mate is not planning a wedding as elaborate as this though......
In London, the processional route had to be planned and seating constructed along its length in specially built stands totalling over 26 miles.

I have no issue with people spending a small fortune on a wedding if that's their bag. Demanding that your wedding take first priority in your friends budget and saving accordingly takes the biscuit though. Fuck that !

If it's just the hen weekend that's the tipping point then simply say...

Dear Bridezilla

Due to an unfortunate event in my teens there is an outstanding warrant for my arrest in Albania so unfortunately I will be unable to attend the planned hen weekend. I look forward to joining you in the Bahamas on X date. it is so far to travel and such a nice location, DP and I have decided to go out a few days early and get married and have our honeymoon there after your wedding.

LockedOutOfMN · 11/07/2016 16:23

Bow out now, buy them a nice gift and wish them well.

AuntieFlaubert · 11/07/2016 16:25

OP you have already had some good advice here.
I would just add that the trip might have to be in place of a normal holiday that year, so your own partner will miss out on one.
Alternatively he could come too, in which case you can double the costs. And the holiday will be centred around the wedding, which will not make it much of a holiday for him or you.

ineedwine99 · 11/07/2016 16:30

Bahamas is expensive, i think she is way off with c£600! If you can afford the correct cost and want to go i would do that, but not the hen do, explain the wedding is the more important of the 2 and you can't afford both.

TheRealPosieParker · 11/07/2016 16:30

Tell her it's really kind but you couldn't possibly accept.

TorchesTorches · 11/07/2016 16:38

The only non Europe wedding i have been invited to, was cancelled (with no reason given) 6 weeks before the wedding, which was also the day after i had paid for my ticket. Bride was very surprised that some people really were not happy about the cancellation. And thought they should all have lots of sympathy for her (without knowing what they should have sympathy for!) I went to the wedding location anyway and had a holiday there. Saw the bride with her new bloke about a month later. Not impressed!

Farfromtheusual · 11/07/2016 16:40

Does she think people are made of money?? That much is bloody ridiculous and regardless of whether someone else is paying for her wedding and hen, she still needs to be realistic in what other people can afford. Does she actually want people to come to her wedding and hen? Confused. You just don't do hen AND wedding abroad, you do one or the other and in most cases neither! Me and my OH went to a wedding in France last year and it cost us the price of what she's quoting for the hen for 5 days between the 2 us!

MissBattleaxe · 11/07/2016 17:52

I was told, very sternly, that she was telling me with a year to go so I had plenty of time to save, and she wouldn't accept the 'excuse' that I couldn't afford it given she had given me plenty of warning. At the time DH was facing possible redundancy and I was unable to work due to illness

Ophelia- you were right to ignore such a grasping email. Since when does a boyfriend proposing entitle a bride to be to chunks of other people's budgets? It's rude and arrogant beyond belief.

OpheIiaBaIIs · 11/07/2016 18:37

Battleaxe I feel not one shred of regret. She has always been on the grabby entitled side, but this was the last straw. She can't have been that bothered because I've not heard from her since. Ah well!

Love Tread's suggestion😁

Orochimaru · 11/07/2016 19:03

Google flights shows cheapest flight to Nassau at £688 and 3 star hotels at £160 per night!

happypoobum · 11/07/2016 19:31

Yes! Send Treads email Grin

ThePartyArtist · 11/07/2016 20:44

That is ridiculous! Best to say now rather than keep her hanging though. You defo won't be the only one.

StrangeLookingParasite · 11/07/2016 21:28

Gosh, you read a lot into my comment...

You were really rude and sarcastic from the start - how else would it be interpreted.

serin · 11/07/2016 23:43

Oh, not this old chestnut again Hmm

herethereandeverywhere · 12/07/2016 00:05

We've just been presented with the bill for our accommodation at a wedding in August (close relative so no saying no). They are getting married in a holiday location in peak season. Our accommodation is costing £1.8k and bookings are only for a week as it's peak season. Flights have cost over a grand and we also need to hire a car. Needless to say we are not having an actual holiday this year....

TendonQueen · 12/07/2016 00:19

I don't know how it's got to the point where anyone 'can't say no' to an overseas wedding. They used to be just the couple. Now family members seem to be able to make demands about people's leave and cost them thousands of pounds.

MissBattleaxe · 12/07/2016 06:47

Herethere- I would find that level of entitlement hard to forgive. It's incredibly rude to expect that of family. Or anyone! They are basically billing you for their wedding whilst no doubt telling themselves it was cheaper to marry abroad.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 12/07/2016 06:56

You can get flights to the Bahamas for around the £600 mark.

If you do go, try out the conch fritters and guinep fruit, but steer clear of any offers of the noni fruit.

Enough grows there that my family's farm is thriving, thanks (to pp who said nowt grows there).

You can also pretend to be a pimp and tuck into shrimp and grits like a 90s rap star. Or go for some key lime pie, avoiding discussion over its true place of origin.

And sous, try sous, don't look too closely just eat- my mum's version of the Jewish mother's chicken soup when under the weather.

zad716 · 12/07/2016 07:39

You can get flights to the Bahamas for around the £600 mark

Totally agree - certain dates are even available on the BA website (direct flight) for less than £600. Assuming you are sharing a room in a cheaper hotel and was only staying long enough for the wedding I suspect the £600 for flights + the hotel (though not anything else...) is doable. Would have to be pretty desperate to see the wedding on a tight budget to actually plan that type of trip.

knowler · 12/07/2016 12:45

I genuinely don't understand these threads. FGS, if you don't want to go, just say no thanks, it's too expensive. The end. You are not being mean, this is ridiculously OTT. The grabbiness and entitled-ness of some people beggars belief.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/07/2016 13:19

I'm going to a friends wedding next year.
It's a weeks holiday and the hen and stag do's are being done while we are out there.
It's not rocket science people!

icanteven · 12/07/2016 13:26

Drop out and tell her why.

Dear Fabulously Wealthy Bride,

I was delighted and flattered to be asked to be your bridesmaid, but your wedding, wonderful as I am sure it will be, is far beyond my means.

I'm sure you would be mortified if you thought that any your bridesmaids had to scrimp and save for two years to take part, but that would be the case for me.

I'm going to have to withdraw from the wedding, as it is just not within my financial reach. Thank you very much for thinking of me.

love,

Redpen