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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and hen costs... AIBU

135 replies

Redpencomment · 09/07/2016 12:53

I'll be a bridesmaid for friend who is getting married in the Bahamas in 2018. She has sent round an email estimating flight and hotel costs at £600 minimum and has instructed people to start saving. This estimate does not include spending money etc. On top of this I'll be buying a wedding gift. She hasnt mentioned buying the bridesmaids dresses so I might have to fork out for that and shoes aswell.

She has now dropped that she wants a hen night abroad (also in 2018 but in Albania). Shes sent another email to me and 10 other hens saying costs for flights and accommodation are estimated at minimum £450. Again, not including spending money and nights out, drinks etc.

Really? I don't have children and I would be able to fund this. I being unreasonable for thinking this is all a little OTT? I'd rather spend that £450 estimate for the hen night and go on a holiday. Either that or put it in my damn savings!

Am I being mean?

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 09/07/2016 13:31

Why can't hens nights just be a meal, drinks and a laugh? I can't understand why brides want to splash other people's cash on a night out. It's probably all the crap in some magazines, everyone thinks they are footballers wives etc 😠

LauderSyme · 09/07/2016 13:33

YABU "for thinking this is all a little OTT".
It is a lot OTT! Grin
You are not being mean, she is talking an awful lot of money here.

DampSqid · 09/07/2016 13:35

You already know YANBU Wink

Go if you want to and don't go if you don't want to. It's quite easy really.

Perhaps you could suggest she live streams her wedding. Smile

Original poster
Redpencomment · 09/07/2016 13:35

KitKat I think you are right. She has mentioned that she has not heard back from some of the other girls. I want to go to her wedding and I will save for that (but turn it into a holiday). My SO will be roped into these costs aswell.

I'm just shocked at the cheek of the hen night (or now its starting to look like a hen week or something) aswell. I would not expect this of others. The groom is funding the wedding and her hen though, so maybe she does not compute with having to save and fund these things herself.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 09/07/2016 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gabsdot · 09/07/2016 13:36

Why on earth does she want to go to Albania! Albania seriously. Is there anything to do there?
But if I were you I'd tell her now that you're going to go to the wedding ( assuming you want to) but won't be at the Hen, because it sounded lame.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 13:37

Why on earth Albania ? Bizarre.

As for costs of flights go to www.kayak.co.uk and put in the wedding dates for next year (obviously the year after will be dearer ) to get an idea of how realistic her costings are. Airport for the Bahamas is Nassau and you might want to look at flights from Dublin as well as London or Manchester as they are often significantly cheaper and Dublin is cheap and quick to get to with Ryanair .....but yeah she's definitely sniffing something !

HuskyLover1 · 09/07/2016 13:38

The Bahamas for £600? No chance. It'll be at least £1500, I reckon.

KitKat1985 · 09/07/2016 13:40

To give you an idea OP, I've just been to Virgin holidays website and looked up how much a week in Barbados would be for one person if they flew out next week and stayed 7 nights. The CHEAPEST quote I got for a 3-star hotel was £2213 per person.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 13:44

That's a bit ridiculous Kitkat as a last minute flight is more expensive than booking ahead and the OP wouldn't be travelling alone but sharing with a SO or another bridesmaid....so no single room supplement ".........also Barbados is nowhere near the Bahamas .

DinosaursRoar · 09/07/2016 13:44

I'd assume for the wedding you'll struggle to get change from £2k. Probably more like £3k unless you are able to share your hotel room with another friend going .

Now, pre-dcs I could afford that and did go to weddings overseas (several in Europe and one in Thailand), but there was never an expectation and back then we were wasteful normally spent £5k on holidays for DH and me, and didn't really blink at the costs, but I never felt I had to go.

LilacInn · 09/07/2016 13:45

I'd bow out.

Why couples can't marry & then go off alone on honeymoon is beyond me. Tell her you look forward to seeing the lovely photographs.

KitKat1985 · 09/07/2016 13:47

Sorry I meant Bahamas not Barbados. Obviously last minute is going to be pricer (they seemed not to have next years prices up yet) but I'd be amazed if it was less than about £1500, even if you get the cheapest flight and stay in a budget hotel.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 13:52

Actually I just stuck in flights for next June and did find a really awful connecting flight flying London onto Canada and the on to Nassau for £599 ... It's not a connection I'd do (and I do quite often fly in direct to get a better price) as it took just over 30 hours by theoretically it's do able

KitKat1985 · 09/07/2016 13:55

Oh maybe I'm wrong then. Did that include accommodation?

footballwidow12 · 09/07/2016 13:56

This is a tough decision as I'm presuming that she is close friend as you are a bridesmaid.

Personally I think she is being unreasonable to ask you to pay to go abroad twice to celebrate her wedding......but on the other hand £450 isn't a lot of money to pay for a hen party abroad. I have paid similar amounts to attend hen parties here in the UK.

After all of my experiences with hen parties and weddings I decided to sod it all and snuck off to get married and didn't have a hen party.....but each to their own!

Good luck deciding what to do Smile

mateysmum · 09/07/2016 14:03

trafalgar that's just the flight! Bridezilla has told the OP that 600 would cover flights and hotel.

OP I think it would be a kindness if you took the bride on one side and tried to get her to be realistic now before things go to far and get out of hand. You say you can afford some 2k? on flights/hotel/spending/clothes etc, though I think you would be mad as I think you are single, childless and presumably have a well paying job, but I doubt the other guests can or want to.

Unless this is something you really, really want to do, I would politely decline now. Once you say you will go to the wedding you are making a pretty open ended commitment and to pull out later is friendship ending territory.

run, run like the wind...

Ginkypig · 09/07/2016 14:04

Obviously she is being ridiculous.

Bow out of the hen.

In terms of the wedding she might be right but only if she is talking flight only.

Her future dh may be funding the room as part of the wedding package or like my friend did hired a massive villa and everyone stayed there for the duration.

I'm just guessing though and could be completely wrong.

JessicaRabbit3 · 09/07/2016 14:08

It is a lot of money to shell out its not someone I would do for a friend tbh.When my friend got married she asked me to be BM in less than a years notice she invited us to come to Cyprus for the wedding. The costs for me,DH and DS were far too high not meantion DS was starting a reception and had not been in the nursery. A few single friends and bride were abit funny when I went on holiday to Spain a fraction of the cost a couple weeks before but DS was away with his DF. Holidays are a luxury for us. I prefer choosing where I go within my budget and circumstances. I would politely decline.

Ginkypig · 09/07/2016 14:09

Personally I would be saying I love you, you are my friend but I can not justify the cost so I'm sorry I will not be attending your wedding.

If enough people do it she will understand that it is undoable for the majority of people.

She can then make the choice between if the people there or the venue are the most important aspect. And choose accordingly

Original poster
Redpencomment · 09/07/2016 14:10

It's honestly ridiculous. I hadn't thought twice about going to my friend's wedding. She's invited 250 people. After seeing the responses from this thread, I'm assuming about 10% of that number might arrive! Hmm

OP posts:
DreamingofItaly · 09/07/2016 14:10

Good luck OP. I think SIBU. Massively.

I'm getting married abroad next year and I couldn't imagine asking my friends to spend a fortune on an abroad hen do as well! It's bang out of order. I plan to hire a cabin somewhere local (ish) to me and they can chip in with booze/games. I cannot and will not expect people to spend their hard earned cash on my wedding! Plus all my mates are a step ahead of me with family life, having children so are generally more skint than me!

Saying that, it may get decided for you if no one else has replied, general consensus could be she's taking the piss so the Albania (agree with others, odd choice) trip may not happen!

DreamingofItaly · 09/07/2016 14:12

She's invited 250 people to the Bahamas for a wedding? Wow.

titchy · 09/07/2016 14:18

Maybe she meant Maui?

Collaborate · 09/07/2016 14:22

Be aware that if her plans for the wedding change, you're stuck with the holiday you've booked.

I'd tell her you can't afford to attend either wedding or hen night abroad, but if she's organising something in the UK would be able to come. Leave it at that.