Am I an inbuilt baby sitter for my DH?

[LubiLooLoo]

10 weeks ago out lovely baby boy came along, and he is the best little thing in the world. I knew as I was taking all the MAT leave and BFing possible I would be doing most of the leg work. I don't mind, I can't say I'm even missing my job, but I am missing my life a bit.

Expressing hasn't been working for me especially well, I can hardly get a mouthful out of myself, so I understand I'm tied to feeding the baby and that can make going out and about hard, but AIBU if I expect my DH to make similar sacrifices?

Take last weekend, visiting his parents... He spent the whole evening in the pub with his siblings leaving me at the house with MiL then the next day went waking all day with his sister for her training, ending up again in the pub with no room for me and baby to join them...

I was annoyed, but figured he was allowed time away from me and babs to chill out with his family. But I did feel the need to flag that all the times he says, 'you and me nip to the pub.' Quickly became, 'me and everyone else but you...' When it became less convenient. He promised THIS weekend he would take the brunt of baby leaving me to have a bit of chill time.

So now to this weekend. We are up at MY parents, and it was no longer than an hour and a half from getting here that he disappeared off for a few pints with his mate who lives nearby. I made a point of asking if I can join (with baby thinking a few pints at 5 in the afternoon won't amount to much) but he said he needed time to talk to his mate as he had just recently got divorced...

I got him I was annoyed as we just arrived at my parents but understood him wanted to have a few drinks with a friend he hadn't seen for a bit, and agreed to leave them to it. I didn't really fancy turning up to a pub with my baby anyway.

I get a phone call a few hours later saying he was at a party, with this friend and his new girlfriend who had also brought a friend along.... Am I right to be instantly annoyed by this?!? These other 2 girls can go along but I can't? Not that I want to take a baby to a party, but should he be leaving me babysit while he goes out partying?

He returns at around 12am, saying I have no right to be as upset as I am and he should be allowed to drink with his mate.

I feel like he gets to go out and have fun without the same considerations as me, and I'm not sure he should be taking advantage of me as baby sitter. He said the night was worth me being upset with him, which hurts. It hurts more that they stopped to collect these other girls but no effort was made to include me and baby, his family. It hurts that he immediately left my family so quickly and didn't come back. He says that I'm over reacting and that I don't like him going out... Which isn't the case... I would just rather he would include us instead of trying to escape us... Am I mad?

OK, this is what my nice dh did at the same point you are at:

• Some of the night duties, if they didn't involve feeding. Lots of the nappy changes. Some of the washing.
• Cooking dinner most nights.
• Taking responsibility for the baby from the moment he got in from work, cuddling it, walking it, rocking, taking it out, making sure I got some peaceful time to myself (bath, naps etc).
• Making sure I was doing stuff that was good for me - like going and getting a massage or a hair cut, yoga.
• Going out together to do nice things - going for a meal etc. And all grandparents were eager to look after the baby for a couple of hours so we could have a little time to nap or go out for a walk or meal.

I would kick off. Like big time. What the hell is he playing at?? You had no right to be upset at him flouncing off with his mate and two girls??? Hell no. I would not put up with it. You need to lay the law down asap, fair and square, it's understandable he wants some free time but fuck me, that's taking it too far, he ain't no single man!!!! It should be equal and suit you both. He pulls that shit again, make sure he comes home to all his stuff on the door step.

OP I completely understand how you're feeling. It does sound like your DH thinks he can carry on his life as before. And the evidence suggests that he does! In my experience men just don't understand what it is like with a new baby. They go to work and then come home 'needing me time'. I'd be like what about my 'me time?' Dp would just say 'you have all day to yourself'. He just had no idea. I used to be tied to the sofa too, that is what it's like when you're bf. The first year was really tough, I hardly went out anywhere. I was too tired for one. Looking back I wished I had gone out but when it's all new to you, sometimes it's hard to get your head round doing anything other than looking after the baby. It's early days for you and things will get easier in time. My DS bf until he was 18 months. I had so much more freedom once that came to an end. I could finally go out again and leave DS with DP!
As for your DH, try talking to him but in my experience they just carry on the way they were, even if they change for a while. He is selfish and shouldn't be but right now is no time to be making drastic decisions about your relationship. Your hormones are all over the place and youre exhausted. Give yourselves time to adjust. He may improve but if not make your decisions then. For now concentrate on your baby. Remember you have an amazing gift and that won't change regardless of how much of a selfish twat your DH is!

Pollaidh sounds like you had a dream man and a dream family, if only we were all that lucky....

Stop it here OP.
He gets a weekend, you get a weekend too. Full stop.

First six months can be a bit shitty when you're bfeeding and if you're both used to going out but it settles down. He's just adjusting to his new life. Mums don't get to adjust they just "do." Me and my partner has similar tussles first time round. I think of it all as in the bank for when someone needs to be stood on the sidelines of a football pitch in the middle of winter.

The question I ask myself is 'if this was my daughters husband, how would I feel about it?' 'Would I feel upset someone treated her this way?' 'What would I tell her to do?', because I feel we need to love ourselves as much as we love our daughters - you only get one you! We have a dd (unplanned and at the time unmarried so balls to that idea!) and I remind DH that his example is his daughters example of a DH, btw I'd go nuclear, we work as a partnership make big decisions together and generally put each other before friends and family because realistically we are in it for the long game and have to live and learn with each other even after the kids are gone and the parents are no longer with us. We still make loads of time for friends & family but we make time for each other first and foremost it's a balance. Every relationship is different though so work it out what way makes you guys happy! I'm a SAHM and I do the night feeds/most household chores/dinners but DH took baby when at home and let me have me time so again all about your balance and what works for you! He's a daddy now to a boy who could be a daddy some day so he needs to game up and be the daddy he and you want your son to be! Xxx

What Thomas said. Both mine were breastfed, and dh was right in there from the start. In fact with ds, who was born prem after an emcs, dh did far more of the early changing and looking after than I did. As a result he has been close to both of them ever since. I suspect the reason many men find it difficult is that unlike women they don't feel obliged to keep pushing themselves through those early weeks of childcare which are tough for anyone.

Surely the being on maternity leave part means you're in charge during the day and you split all of the work the rest of the time.

I've just had my 2nd and something I've learnt is that I can't be in charge or control of everything but expect my husband to also be a 50:50 parent. There is no right way to do something and both of our opinions are valid.

I find it unfathomable that he would just go out to the pub without you - we would always discuss what our collective plan for the weekend was as a family. And yes that does include doing some things separately but his attitude I find mind blowing.

What else does he contribute to the household other than having a job?

Ehen I was EBF my dh did everything else, even when he came in off night shift.

He needs to understand that just because you need to be with babba for feeding, doesnt mean you have to do everything with babba. You need to have a serious talk with him. Try not to get emotional else he'll blame ut on hormones...

Sorry this doesn't look to me about him not including you when he goes out. Sounds more like he's still living his life as if he hasn't got a child and needs to man up and take responsibility for the baby he helped produce and that means not floundering off on his own. He's wrong for going to a party at night. EBF does not mean the baby is totally dependant on the mum, he needs to start taking time out for nappy changes, baths, or even try to hug or hold you and baby while you feed so baby gets used to him when feeding.

There's loads of advice out there on how dads can be more involved with a EBF baby so don't buy his crap about not feeling involved. If anything he could help out with the things you're not able to do and I am sorry, but if you go to visit in laws you bloody well stay at their house and spend time with them, not go out with your mate!!

My parents would have torn a strip off him the second he walked in the door, before I even got a chance to discuss this with him.

He just doesn't see this baby as his responsibility at all, does he? If (god forbid) you got run over by a bus, he'd have to do 100% of it, all by himself, because it is his responsibility and number one priority - just as it is yours.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You need to put a stop to this now, also stop viewing yourself as having to do the lion's share just because you gave birth and are breastfeeding. If anything that means he should be doing more of the other stuff to compensate!

my youngest dd dad pulled this shit, 3rd time he did it, I out his stuff on the doorstep and never looked back, he can't even be bothered to give up his party lifestyle to see her now, the novelty Has worn off

make the choice.....do you really want the rest of your life like this? having to seek assurance off a random group of women? no, then make the choice

Sorry, it sounds difficult. He does need a reality check that life can't just go on as before. I'm bfing my 3 months old DD (second child) couldn't do it without my DH doing practically everything else (looking after 4 year old DS, cooking, cleaning, nappy changing etc) particularly in the first few weeks with cluster feeding. However unless you are expressing or formula feeding you are more limited in your opportunities to leave baby. This doesn't necessarily mean he can't leave the house, but it is reasonable to expect him to support you, help you and generally be around most of the time (work aside). Talk to him again, explain how you're feeling and what you need him to do. Does he have mates with kids who have done more with their kids, less partying etc, who could be an example to him? At the end of the day I guess you can't make him, but it's sad if he doesn't step up to being a Dad, he will miss out. Good luck.

My kids are 1 and 3. Hubby goes out once a week for a guys night and I go out for the evening once a fortnight, just to do things I can't do with the kids, like eat out inpeace, go to the cinema etc. (Both after they've gone to bed).
You need to sit down and have a proper discussion about this. Even if it's just him taking baby out for a walk between feeds while you have something to eat and a relaxing bath :)

NowWhat1983

I don't think at any point I was complaining I don't get to be a party animal anymore! That's completely opposite to what I am saying! I have dedicated every day to attending every single need of my little boy, and I do it happily and knowing how lucky I am. I just struggle with the fact that every day of my life is now unrecognisable from the one I used to have... And my husbands seems to be pretty much the same.

My main problem is the lack of consideration me and the baby play in his social life now. I feel like we are a ball and chain to what he wants to do, instead of a unit who supports each other.

Please don't tell me to 'grow up' and be a good mum... I am an awesome mum. My little boy couldn't be happier.

I suspect the reason many men find it difficult is that unlike women they don't feel obliged to keep pushing themselves through those early weeks of childcare which are tough for anyone.

YY to that!

But what are you going to do OP? You sound really unhappy and the relationship sounds really unequal.

I'd be sending him back to his mother.

Going to a party, being walked back to the taxi by another woman and then goading you about it the next day?

Oh he sounds a great catch.

If this was my partner I'd be running for the hills, selfish, immature prick.

Did he want this baby, OP? He sounds like he's trying to do everything he can to get out of realising he's a parent. Goading you about the woman is beyond nasty, even for someone trying to flounce out of their responsibilities.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick, but equally I think you need to get with the program a bit with regards to having a 10 week old EBF baby.

For a few months (yes, that's all it lasts) you have signed up to being tied to the baby. I have a 6 week old so I'm I the same boat. I signed up to it - I'm not expecting to hang out in pubs, go to parties, have evenings to myself or for my husband to "take the brunt". I know that this baby is reliant on me day and night for a few months and that's fine with me.

I have a toddler too and my DH is really taking the brunt of looking after him to take the pressure off me because of how time consuming the feeding is.

Bottom line - your husband should be more sensitive and emotionally supportive of you but you need to be realistic about what life with a baby is like in the early months.

But she's complaining at a lack of consideration. Can you all stop with the oh so popular parent bashing of late. We're sure you did a 24 day down the pit with a baby strapped to each boob.

Shock news! You can ebf and have some social time ffs, you're not trapped at home. But what makes that doable is a supportive partner who suggests family friendly pubs / lunches with friends and basically someone who is also a being a parent thinking through what's needed- not spending all the cash on a boozy night out for a few months doesn't mean you can't try a meal out with a small baby. Or communicate with friends.

He's not committed at all to being a parent is he?!- in fact he's doing the glad he upset you. That's what he wanted was it? To piss you off by living it up with his mate, girlfriend and someone he didn't know? He obviously had no pride in new baby, not wanting friend to meet the baby etc and arranging an suitable catch up . I'd be showing him the door. Him depressed? Errr, doesn't look it.

Maybe he feels like he isn't needed so is acting up like a kid and removing himself from the situation. He seems to be on the defensive about it so sometimes a little cleverness about it all helps.....(i know it's hard when you are exhausted)

Let him know that you need him. Once a week out the pub with his mates and maybe a sporting activity weekly too should be enough and compromise with family time by suggesting places where you know you both like, I know most men love getting outside!

Throw a BBQ at home and invite his friends over, they may bring their oh and kids too and it is the best of both worlds.

My husband was by no means how you describe but when our daughter was about 6 weeks old he admitted he was expecting a bit more of a "firework" of emotions feeling that never came when she was born whilst of course I fell in love with her instantly. But that never stopped him mucking in with all things baby (apart from feeding BF here too) and you should see him now, she's almost 5 months and it seems she really only does big laughs and giggles for him. Point being yes fathers find it harder but he is very much taking it to the extreme and as pp have said appears to be rebelling/regressing. He needs to know his behaviour is unacceptable.

Carry on the good work , you're doing amazing !