Am I an inbuilt baby sitter for my DH?

[LubiLooLoo]

10 weeks ago out lovely baby boy came along, and he is the best little thing in the world. I knew as I was taking all the MAT leave and BFing possible I would be doing most of the leg work. I don't mind, I can't say I'm even missing my job, but I am missing my life a bit.

Expressing hasn't been working for me especially well, I can hardly get a mouthful out of myself, so I understand I'm tied to feeding the baby and that can make going out and about hard, but AIBU if I expect my DH to make similar sacrifices?

Take last weekend, visiting his parents... He spent the whole evening in the pub with his siblings leaving me at the house with MiL then the next day went waking all day with his sister for her training, ending up again in the pub with no room for me and baby to join them...

I was annoyed, but figured he was allowed time away from me and babs to chill out with his family. But I did feel the need to flag that all the times he says, 'you and me nip to the pub.' Quickly became, 'me and everyone else but you...' When it became less convenient. He promised THIS weekend he would take the brunt of baby leaving me to have a bit of chill time.

So now to this weekend. We are up at MY parents, and it was no longer than an hour and a half from getting here that he disappeared off for a few pints with his mate who lives nearby. I made a point of asking if I can join (with baby thinking a few pints at 5 in the afternoon won't amount to much) but he said he needed time to talk to his mate as he had just recently got divorced...

I got him I was annoyed as we just arrived at my parents but understood him wanted to have a few drinks with a friend he hadn't seen for a bit, and agreed to leave them to it. I didn't really fancy turning up to a pub with my baby anyway.

I get a phone call a few hours later saying he was at a party, with this friend and his new girlfriend who had also brought a friend along.... Am I right to be instantly annoyed by this?!? These other 2 girls can go along but I can't? Not that I want to take a baby to a party, but should he be leaving me babysit while he goes out partying?

He returns at around 12am, saying I have no right to be as upset as I am and he should be allowed to drink with his mate.

I feel like he gets to go out and have fun without the same considerations as me, and I'm not sure he should be taking advantage of me as baby sitter. He said the night was worth me being upset with him, which hurts. It hurts more that they stopped to collect these other girls but no effort was made to include me and baby, his family. It hurts that he immediately left my family so quickly and didn't come back. He says that I'm over reacting and that I don't like him going out... Which isn't the case... I would just rather he would include us instead of trying to escape us... Am I mad?

Your husband needs to grow up very quickly. He has a child and a wife to be responsible for, and that means giving up nights out drinking, going to parties without you, playing endless computer games, and doing activities with friends and family which exclude you.
Involve him far more in sharing baby activities, and arrange some time for you to go out, without baby and probably him, so he gets used to being responsible for his child. If you don't establish this now you are going to be entirely responsible for child care, and it sounds as though this is what he expects.

Thank you ladies. I've just kinda been met with the 'I'm allowed out' attitude. And I don't want to be that controlling bitch wife... You know?

To be honest, I don't really mind giving up going out with my friends, I didn't often do it as most of my friendships are low maintenance and I always got enough from going out and about with DH. But our whole social life did revolve around the pub, and I don't really want to set that as a normal thing for the baby.

He also said about this other girl he went to the party with, he said she, "saw him off" into the taxi home... It feels like he's trying to make me feel insecure or focus the arguments towards me 'not trusting him'... I didn't fall into the trap. Or am I just being paranoid?

It's so nice to hear some of you get out and do such lovely things with your family. I always feel like my ass is sewn onto the sofa and I should make more of an effort to get off it!

I've just kinda been met with the 'I'm allowed out' attitude.

So now you're a mother, he thinks you're his mother

There really isn't anywhere to go with that other than sending him back to his real mammy until he's ready to be an equal adult.

To be honest, I don't really mind giving up going out with my friends, I didn't often do it as most of my friendships are low maintenance and I always got enough from going out and about with DH.

No no no no no no no.

This is why you are in this mess. You already accepted that he is more important than you.

You won't get through the early days of motherhood as well and as happily if you have no support from friends. That means seeing them.

Thank you ladies. I've just kinda been met with the 'I'm allowed out' attitude. And I don't want to be that controlling bitch wife... You know?

There is your problem right there. That 'bitch wife' is usually a strong woman that doesn't take any shit. Strong women get labelled like that.

op he sounds like an immature dick. He dropped the other girls name in to make you feel paranoid. What a catch he is.

Start to take your rose tinted specs off.

I wasn't trying to show off or anything - just illustrate that you can still have a social life, albeit largely together and "baby comes too" - it's just an adjustment.

If you don't fancy a night out with friends that's fine but it is a teeny bit U to then feel resentful of him having them. Does he facilitate you having time off in other ways - a lie in? Haircut? 3 / 4 nights out in 10 weeks wouldn't seem many if he didn't have the attitude that baby is your responsibility and that upsetting you, his wife and mother of his child, is worth it!

doin is spot on with seeing friends. New motherhood can see you very isolated as you are very tired and just trying to get through the day. It's very easy at this point to become irrelevant - which you are now.

Spend time with your friends - without baby and remember who you are.

How does his alleged 'loveliness' manifest itself then because I'm not seeing it. You being at home and breastfeeding shouldn't be an excuse for him to opt out of parenting and I fear you are kidding yourself if you think this will change automatically as your child gets older. Time for a very serious talk.

I definitely took both my dc to the pub when they were very little, tbh it never occurred to me that dh wouldn't want us there!

And me having a break is dh taking the dc out. I'm so fecking exhausted that l want to stay at home and relax! You need to speak with your dh, maybe he could take ds out every Saturday morning /arvo for you to get a break.

I think the adjustment for the first dc is very tough, try to talk about it but don't let him be a twat.

He sounds like an immature wanker.

Massively exciting event in both your lives. Is he with you, being an equally involved parent, enjoying his new baby ?

No, down the pub, and rocking the baby whilst he plays games on his pc.

Don't let him pretend that you're trying to be his mother and boss him around. He knows he's being an arse, hence using language about being "allowed" out.

Sod him. Enjoy your baby. Go out with the baby and your friends, don't invite him along. Go and see your parents, without him. Exclude him and see if it bothers him. Don't let him spoil these precious times for you.

Massively exciting event in both your lives. Is he with you, being an equally involved parent, enjoying his new baby ?

^^ This is really what it comes down to.

He is failing at being a new parent because he isn't mature or flexible enough to respond to the way his life has changed.

Don't let him drag you down too.

I can kind of understand the playing video games whilst rocking the baby with his foot; babies are pretty boring to a lot of people to start with.

With regards to the excluding you and going out to the pub/party, though, he's being an immature, selfish knob. He deserves a massive metaphorical kick up the arse on that score.

Keep trying with the expressing - it does get easier.

You being a breastfeeding SAHM shouldn't mean that he doesn't do anything with the baby.

My DH did everything except feeding when he was at home, nappies, dressing, bathing, playing, walking the floor etc

It doesn't sound like he sees the baby as really part of his life.

The life changes that come with being a parent can be hard for everyone. He's being an arse just now, you need to get this sorted out for both your sakes.

He sounds like an arse. It's easy for a good dad to be involved with an ebf baby, nappy changes, bats, story books, singing songs, baby massage, rock to sleep, he could use a sling to carry baby - it depends on whether they can be arsed. These are activities that a good dad does.

Don't fall into the trap of being 'cool' wife. How would he feel if you were out with your newly divorced mate and two men at a party?

The best expressing machine i found is a spectre dew. Other people swear by a medulla pump. Try your children's centre to see if you can borrow an electric pump for a week. Then I suggest you skip a spa day and go straight to a pub and club/party with your mates (if that's what you used to do to socialise), leaving him with baby. I bet he doesn't look after baby alone (his mum or sister will be roped in)? I also wonder if he will be cool husband the next day.

He thinks baby is your responsibility and his life continues as before (in fact it's better as he gets to go out as a single man without wifey tagging along).

I always got enough from going out and about with DH

But he doesn't. Some people need a social life outside of their relationship and that can mean socialising without their partner. There's nothing wrong with that.

Hey OP. and for you. If you are in the UK you are pretty knackered and strung out, posting at 2am etc. (I guess you are often up at 2am with a 10 week old. It's tough!)

A few things are popping up in your posts which are worrying me.

When you posted twice by accident by way of apology you said "I'm going crazy".

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY
YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY
YOU ARE NOT, NOR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN, CRAZY

It can feel like it when you are exhausted with a demanding baby! But you are NOT CRAZY.

there are some things that make me think your partner is encouraging you to think you are crazy. This is a very cruel thing to do. (in itself - apart from al the other unkindnesses of going out and leaving you doing all the work.)

"And I don't want to be that controlling bitch wife... You know?"

I know what you are talking about, yes, but this is a trope invented by misogynists who want to do what they want, exploit women's labour, and intimidate the women to the extent that they feel that they can say nothing about it.

I have a feeling that yours is the kind of husband who won't hear anything from you if you just talk to him. He has a million ways of making you seem unreasonable and discrediting what you say.

Do something about this now. I mean it. You will be a wreck if you carry on like this with this man.

Not sure what.

• bring someone else in to talk to him. Maybe a man. Get someone else to tell him that he is being a dick. A pro, or a friend.

• leave. Put your foot down and make him notice by not being there. Make him see that you mean it so you can hold the conversations you need to have

• some other idea

I don't know. My ex never listened to me so I don't know what to say.

You can't carry on like this.

He's definitely trying to antagonise you. Inciting jealousy for the sake of an argument? What an idiot.

You might not want to be a controlling bitch wife- but do you want to be a cheated on mug? Set expectations and if he doesn't meet them make a decision about the life you do want.

Op your baby is still young do start setting the standards now.

You both need to be able to go out and see your friends. You can and should meet up with friends. Even if it's just for an hour or so inbetween feeds. I did that a lot.

Do you get time to yourself? Get dh to look after the baby while you go for a walk or to the shops or whatever.

Go out together as a family.

At home, don't let him sitting around playing games while you run around like a skivvy. He needs to get involved in the chores too.

Youre both meant to be on the same team and help each other out.

It isen't acceptable him swanning off doing what he wants, and leaving you holding the baby. What about your free time to have a break? I would sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel, he won't know, unless you tell him.

I don't mind him going out that's not at all what I'm saying.

I just read your recent post, you set your standards, if he doesn't meet them, then make a decision whether you want to be with him.

But you need to communicate with him how you feel, it seems like its a case of, give him an inch and he takes a mile. You need to set some standards, he cannot be going out all the time, he is a father now and needs to support you and the baby.

We know you're not saying that OP. That's what he's making you think you're saying. It's the circumstances in which he's going out, the way he's dismissing your feelings and needs, and the manner is which he's treating the baby as "yours".

Let me give an example OP.

I didn't mind my ex going out when we had our first child. In fact, when they were under a year he went away for 5 days, think 10 hour flight. He was with a small group of friends and family, all male, it was a regular trip.

He never phoned in all that time.

Did I mind him going ? No. Did I mind what that lack of a call said about him/me/our family ? The fuck I did. And I let him know it.

It basically comes down to respect.

How is he 'lovely' when he doesn't give a shit about your feelings and isn't prepared to pitch in and actually do some heavy lifting? Possession of lactating mammary glands doesn't mean that you are also the sole provider of all babycare.

He sounds as if he thought - naively - that his lovely life would continue unaffected post-birth. And that because you're the one recovering, breastfeeding and willing to accept that life has changed, that there's no point in both of you having to do so - so see ya!

He's being a selfish dick. In your shoes I would be telling him very firmly that whilst feeding is something that only you can do, he can help with everything else - including bringing the baby to you for a feed, cooking, cleaning, bathtime, laundry, rocking the baby whilst you sleep - or have a shower - or God forbid go out for an hour with a friend for a coffee. This is supposed to be a joint endeavour, so where's his contribution?

Final note - I have no DC so can't speak from experience but have a friend who found expressing a pain. She found that using a hospital grade pump did the trick, I think you can hire them? Might be worth a go to see if it helps.

Good god OP you are more than justified to be upset about all of this!!
Reading your post I was almost welling up in tears of frustration on your behalf

Your DP has been a total arsehole both weekends, I am shocked at how much he excluded you at his parents, and the way he has behaved at your parents is appalling.
What the hell is he playing at swanning off out partying with two unknown women?!!!!

I would be absolutely beside myself with anger. Of course both people in a relationship should be allowed time to themselves, but it's entirely possible to have that, and still make your dh/dw feel loved, secure, supported and considered.

Please don't allow him to continue being so selfish and almost deliberately provocative (casual mentions of being seen off to the taxi by random woman??? Wtaf?).
Tell him to stop this shit or he can do one, and mean it .

Oh and don't allow him to make you doubt yourself. You are not being controlling or unreasonable. And the fact that you are probably exhausted makes you much more vulnerable to being manipulated by such crap.