Am I an inbuilt baby sitter for my DH?

[LubiLooLoo]

10 weeks ago out lovely baby boy came along, and he is the best little thing in the world. I knew as I was taking all the MAT leave and BFing possible I would be doing most of the leg work. I don't mind, I can't say I'm even missing my job, but I am missing my life a bit.

Expressing hasn't been working for me especially well, I can hardly get a mouthful out of myself, so I understand I'm tied to feeding the baby and that can make going out and about hard, but AIBU if I expect my DH to make similar sacrifices?

Take last weekend, visiting his parents... He spent the whole evening in the pub with his siblings leaving me at the house with MiL then the next day went waking all day with his sister for her training, ending up again in the pub with no room for me and baby to join them...

I was annoyed, but figured he was allowed time away from me and babs to chill out with his family. But I did feel the need to flag that all the times he says, 'you and me nip to the pub.' Quickly became, 'me and everyone else but you...' When it became less convenient. He promised THIS weekend he would take the brunt of baby leaving me to have a bit of chill time.

So now to this weekend. We are up at MY parents, and it was no longer than an hour and a half from getting here that he disappeared off for a few pints with his mate who lives nearby. I made a point of asking if I can join (with baby thinking a few pints at 5 in the afternoon won't amount to much) but he said he needed time to talk to his mate as he had just recently got divorced...

I got him I was annoyed as we just arrived at my parents but understood him wanted to have a few drinks with a friend he hadn't seen for a bit, and agreed to leave them to it. I didn't really fancy turning up to a pub with my baby anyway.

I get a phone call a few hours later saying he was at a party, with this friend and his new girlfriend who had also brought a friend along.... Am I right to be instantly annoyed by this?!? These other 2 girls can go along but I can't? Not that I want to take a baby to a party, but should he be leaving me babysit while he goes out partying?

He returns at around 12am, saying I have no right to be as upset as I am and he should be allowed to drink with his mate.

I feel like he gets to go out and have fun without the same considerations as me, and I'm not sure he should be taking advantage of me as baby sitter. He said the night was worth me being upset with him, which hurts. It hurts more that they stopped to collect these other girls but no effort was made to include me and baby, his family. It hurts that he immediately left my family so quickly and didn't come back. He says that I'm over reacting and that I don't like him going out... Which isn't the case... I would just rather he would include us instead of trying to escape us... Am I mad?

And I don't want to be that controlling bitch wife... You know?

This is sexism. He behaves like an unreasonable teenager. You get justifiably angry but have internalised his definition of what a good wife is. One that lets him do whatever he likes without complaining, so you self-censor and don't say anything. You know you can't win because anything you do say, he will counter with personal attacks on what you 'are', I.e. a nag or controlling bitch, and your concerns will go unheard.

Stop trying to be what he wants you to be. What he wants you to be is oppressed.

I'd also like to add that it seems like you're coping very well despite the crappy circumstances, which suggests you're a strong, smart person. Trust yourself more.

OP, have a shower, wash your hair, feed baby. Give baby to husband/partner and go out for a bit on our own. To the local cafe. Take a book etc. Have some me time. Don`t discuss it, just do it! You need some me time.

If he really cared about you, the issue is not whether he goes out on his own or not, but his lack of acknowledgement of how bad his attitude makes you feel.
An adult who cared about and loved you wouldn't get defensive, he would say, "I had no idea you felt like that, how can we make this better together?" (Because if he did know how you felt to start with, then he's an arse).

Sounds like having a drink takes priority over everything else in his life

Also someone 'lovely' does not behave in such a selfish manned

*manner

Sounds like he drinks waaaaay too much, too, but then I'm a selfish controlling wife.

1. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need to take baby to pub/party to spend time with him.
2. Tell him it's not right he goes out and parties all night now he's a dad. But really, he should know this already. He's likely going to ignore you/tell you you're a 'nag'. Sadly, that will confirm he's a selfish twat.
3. You can't change him or make him be more caring. Don't bother trying to accomodate it. He either gets it or he doesn't. If you decide to continue being with him despite this, then get a solid group of friends around you - other mothers - who will give you the company and care you will need that your partner won't provide. Don't fight something you can't change.

Of course, you would be superhuman to put up with this unkind behaviour without having lots of tears and sleepless nights. None of this is your fault or fixable by you. But you will suffer, even if you decide to put up with it to keep the peace. It eats away at your self esteem because you start to believe you're no fun, or not as attractive as the girls at the party etc. It's a shitty way to feel.

Can I ask - how much did he really want this baby? I mean really sensibly want it? Not just, yes have more sex while TTC but think about being a parent, what it would mean for his life etc etc.

Because TBH it sounds like he doesn't really want it at all except to say to his mates that he's a 'dad'. He doesn't do any babycare, he's upped the amount of time he spends playing computer games and he's spending more time at the pub partying - with other women. And trying to make you look like you are the controlling jealous one.

Unless he can rapidly come up with some hardcore, solid gold examples of 'loveliness' he sounds like a complete misogynist knob right now.

You aren't being unreasonable at all. Life becomes unrecognizable with a newborn. When I had my twins I remember thinking 'Oh my God, I'll never even be able to check my email again'! Of course, I could, and there'll be plenty of time for socialising down the line, just not now. I'd be very bothered by this.
As an aside, you probably have, but just in case, have you tried expressing from one side while your baby is feeding from the other?

Arse. Him, not you.

Disrespectful to your parents, too.

It reminds me of the dark times when my child was a baby. My life was shit and had changed beyond recognition. His was the same, as he worked longer than before despite assurances that he wouldn't.
I did ALL the kid stuff even at weekends, but his recollection is different. He reckons he changed some nappies. 🙄
My baby was formula fed. If he bothered to feed, he would lie baby on the back 😟 I used to ask him if he liked eating dinner laying flat on his back. 😡
You need to nip this in the bud or you will only feel more angry and resentful. He is bu. But the burden still often falls on the female, it's shit.
Get breastfeeding help. Express.
He can look after baby so you can go out and be yourself for a couple of hours at least.
I think having your first child is like chucking a grenade into your relationship. For us, it was like an atom bomb and took YEARS for anything to settle back.
We wont have any more.
Hope things get better soon. X.

Thank you for al you kind words and advice!

To answer a few bits, the baby wasn't planned, he was a honey moon baby!

In answer to what makes him 'lovely'... I promise he isn't trying to be sexist, even if he is... I'm a proud feminist and would like to think I know better than being sucked into a gender role im not happy in... But then again, maybe I have!

Being at my parents house isn't helping things...

Yes, I wondered what your parents thought of this behaviour whilst he was a guest at their house. I would be very unimpressed if one of my sons behaved like this. I don't have a daughter, but if I did I know I would be incensed on her behalf.

Thirty one years ago my ex behaved in a similar way but fortunately it was a transitional period until he realised he couldn't do the same things as before. Although he is an ex now, it is not for that reason. I am only telling you about this to make the point that it might be possible for him to realise his errors and put them right. You are the best judge as to whether this is possible.

OP I have a 14 week old and am BFing so totally understand the huge lifestyle change. Do you get out and about much with your DS? We have things planned most days e.g. visiting my parents, lunches with friends, walks etc. So I get plenty of adult contact. Being alone with a baby every day would be, for me, very isolating. I know that social contact is important for me so I prioritise this. DH has been on 2 stag weekends and a night out since DS arrival. This didn't bother me at all - until recently I didn't really want to leave DS but would make it nice for me - eg nice food and treats, having someone to stay/staying with my parents. He has also started to look after DS one night a week for a bit so I can go to my dance class (BF before I go as DS not consistently taking a bottle). Could you do something like that? BF IS tying, much more so than I imagined. How long do you plan to do it? I am hoping to slowly wean DS mostly onto formula by 6 months or so, so I know the lack of freedom (which tbh given all the above, I only really feel the lack of occasionally!) will not last forever. I am going back to work when DS is 8 months and DH is taking a month off then - is that something you could perhaps consider? Share the load a little?

Oh my goodness!

Op I think it depends on the type of party, ie is it rave, pill popping druggy - drunken party or just a friendly house party? Pleasant adult party in a pub?
Whats the pub like? Really loud music, people there to get smashed or pub with social pleasant aspect.

I think that comment " why would you want to take a baby to the pub/party" is really awful

Anyway....Op I find his behaviour despicable. It seems to be a long litiny of him going out with no regard at all for you or the baby.

My DH and the DH/partners of all my friends were glued to their sides in the early weeks, lost in the magic and wonder of their new baby.

There is simply no way I would accept DH with NB going out so many times, topping it off with acting as a plus one to another girl, whilst I was stuck at home again.

I would be seriously thinking about my relationship.

BTW op ebf one baby and bottle fed the other, neither was a barrier or helped DH be more involved, he was equally involved with both.

It's not even just about the "going out." This is all to do with his attitude around the going out.

If he'd said, "look, I'd quite like to pop out for a drink with mate, is that OK with you? (not asking permission, but extending a courtesy to you) and also "Is there anything needs doing before I go? Nappy/bath/drinks and snacks for you" then you might have felt differently about it. Your bloke was almost daring you to object and setting out his territory as "bloke who can do what he likes without being dictated to by her indoors."

When ours were tiny, and BF, my dh just stepped up wherever else he could. Yes, he went out to play sport, but dropped the long hours stuff, like golf and cricket, and just did squash/tennis for a couple of hours max. So if, say, he was playing squash on a Saturday lunchtime, he'd make sure he'd done the supermarket run first, after a feed, with ds in a sling, so I could have a break. If he was delayed, or wanted to pop in somewhere on the way home, he'd ring me and let me know, and say "is there anything you need while I'm out? I'll run the hoover around and do the kitchen when I get back."

It's that sort of thoughtful stuff that makes all the difference.

He doesn't go out often during the week. But doesn't actively do that much baby looking after either... But I kinda guess that's my job as the stay at home mum and only have minor day to day quibbles...

My DH didn't see it as anyones job to hold, smell, look and love his baby .

I really can't understand why some pp have said yabu as "he's allowed a social life separate from you and baby" Not one person has said that, and it wasn't the tone of the OP AT ALL

Its clearly about the lack of fairness and respect. Also the fact that he sees baby as OP's job, and life gets to go on as normal for him. Bollocks to that!

OP, most men ARE NOT LIKE THIS. I cannot stress this enough. My husband would be appalled by your dps behaviour as it really wouldn't cross his mind that it would be at all acceptable.

I've heard it said on here quite a few times: when somebody tells you about themselves...listen!
He's sending a message loud and clear. He's shown you where you and your baby lie on his list of priorities, appently below two random girls he met on a night out.

Your worth more than this, you really really are

one more thing op, I got into a mess with expressing it upset my milk, I found it easier to EBF with second, if your having trouble expressing then BF AND give formula, then your BF will settle down to what baby needs and you dont need to worry about expressing and if your worried the baby is getting BOTH.

He's shown you where you and your baby lie on his list of priorities, appently below two random girls he met on a night out

YY

Also I have taken DS to the pub loads - absolutely fine if its the type of place families are welcome!

Agree with other advice on sitting down when home and having a proper discussion about your shared responsibilities. My 16week old is EBF and her dad works long shifts but when he is present nappy changes, baths, cuddles etc are all shared.

My baby's 1st pub trip was at 10 days old and we regulary go to pubs - just not when crowded with footie fans etc so don't let being left behind become the norm. Depends how happy you are BF in public bit I find it possible to do discreetly.