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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I an inbuilt baby sitter for my DH?

127 replies

LubiLooLoo · 09/07/2016 01:58

10 weeks ago out lovely baby boy came along, and he is the best little thing in the world. I knew as I was taking all the MAT leave and BFing possible I would be doing most of the leg work. I don't mind, I can't say I'm even missing my job, but I am missing my life a bit.

Expressing hasn't been working for me especially well, I can hardly get a mouthful out of myself, so I understand I'm tied to feeding the baby and that can make going out and about hard, but AIBU if I expect my DH to make similar sacrifices?

Take last weekend, visiting his parents... He spent the whole evening in the pub with his siblings leaving me at the house with MiL then the next day went waking all day with his sister for her training, ending up again in the pub with no room for me and baby to join them...

I was annoyed, but figured he was allowed time away from me and babs to chill out with his family. But I did feel the need to flag that all the times he says, 'you and me nip to the pub.' Quickly became, 'me and everyone else but you...' When it became less convenient. He promised THIS weekend he would take the brunt of baby leaving me to have a bit of chill time.

So now to this weekend. We are up at MY parents, and it was no longer than an hour and a half from getting here that he disappeared off for a few pints with his mate who lives nearby. I made a point of asking if I can join (with baby thinking a few pints at 5 in the afternoon won't amount to much) but he said he needed time to talk to his mate as he had just recently got divorced...

I got him I was annoyed as we just arrived at my parents but understood him wanted to have a few drinks with a friend he hadn't seen for a bit, and agreed to leave them to it. I didn't really fancy turning up to a pub with my baby anyway.

I get a phone call a few hours later saying he was at a party, with this friend and his new girlfriend who had also brought a friend along.... Am I right to be instantly annoyed by this?!? These other 2 girls can go along but I can't? Not that I want to take a baby to a party, but should he be leaving me babysit while he goes out partying?

He returns at around 12am, saying I have no right to be as upset as I am and he should be allowed to drink with his mate.

I feel like he gets to go out and have fun without the same considerations as me, and I'm not sure he should be taking advantage of me as baby sitter. He said the night was worth me being upset with him, which hurts. It hurts more that they stopped to collect these other girls but no effort was made to include me and baby, his family. It hurts that he immediately left my family so quickly and didn't come back. He says that I'm over reacting and that I don't like him going out... Which isn't the case... I would just rather he would include us instead of trying to escape us... Am I mad?

OP posts:
BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi · 09/07/2016 10:36

He wanted to go out to a celeb laden party, and he didnt want you there.

He didnt think it would be a lovely night out for you too and he didnt want to treat you, or share it with you.

And yet you have just given him a child.
I am sorry but if this want and need to share things with you - or just be with his child are not there, having a sit down chat isn't going to magic it in there. He has been frightfully disrespectful. You cant talk respect into someone.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/07/2016 10:46

You absolutely can take babies to pubs. There is no reason you have to be stuck indoors- him telling you can't is prickish.

TutanKaDashian · 09/07/2016 10:52

Get used to it OP.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you have got one of those partner's where life just goes on as normal for them even though they have a newborn at home. For you, a night out without baby would be massive but for him it would be just normal.

speaks from bitter experience

ChocolateChocolate for you (ooh, just noticed we have a chocolate emoticon)

BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi · 09/07/2016 10:54

our new borns spent their early years in mine or DH arms, no matter where we were.

ThePigeon314 · 09/07/2016 10:56

"And I don't want to be that controlling bitch wife... You know?"

Don't fall for this one OP.

If he is absolving himself of responsibility and sacrifice then you are not being unreasonable to have the responsibilities and the sacrifices and the opportunities to break out equalised

You are not nagging or being controlling if you seek to have all of this made more EQUAL

ThePigeon314 · 09/07/2016 11:04

I agree though that you can't talk respect in to somebody. You can't talk somebody in to being a decent human being.

I had to leave in the end.

2nds · 09/07/2016 11:10

OP you might find as baby gets older your DH might take more interest in the baby. I know this sounds horrible but aside from the going out drinking and the bfing I could have written your post. My OH was useless and yep the computer games were always on and what a more they were loud and I'd get an earful if I complained.

These days we've got two kids and he very rarely plays computer games and he's always saying let's go take the kids out somewhere. He's like a different bloke, but then the kids are able to do things, and we are long past the midnight feeds etc.

I think some guys don't understand what we go through, I know they could be more helpful and understanding as it is hard.

My OH regrets a lot of the crap that he did, the loud computer games etc.

BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi · 09/07/2016 11:13

I think some guys don't understand what we go through

Why do they have to understand anything? My DH went through it all with me, it was other people understand us with a new born because he was doing the same as me.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/07/2016 11:15

10 weeks is still young and it wont be long until your baby is reliably going longer between feeds and you can get out for 2-3 hours to meet up with friends, or perhaps expressing will become easier.

You need to insist your dh gets involved now (and you need to step back and let him too, which I found hard to do), so when you do get out he is capable of looking after his own baby. This especially includes comforting/bathing and putting down for naps and bedtime wherever you may be.

HuskyLover1 · 09/07/2016 11:18

I get a phone call a few hours later saying he was at a party, with this friend and his new girlfriend who had also brought a friend along

^^ This, I have a MASSIVE problem with. So, he's been out with his mate and 2 girls? Did his mate set him up? It could be innocent, but I would have lost my shit at this.

How old is he, btw?

ThePigeon314 · 09/07/2016 11:33

I agree with blowingthejasmine my x didn't understand Hmm what I was going through because it was in his eyes, something I was going through. He still did what he wanted to. He didn't occur to him to check that he wasn't taking the piss. And I wasn't a door mat. I constantly pointed out the inequalities to him. But a poster upthread said ''don't be a door mat''. That's very difficult when you have a tiny dependent baby. You could assert yourself by leaving a baby with a man who hasn't been on his own with that baby before, and who has felt perfectly comfortable walking off leaving the baby in somebody else's care for 16 hours. THAT is how you assert yourself? it's so hard.

Itsaplayonwords · 09/07/2016 11:44

He's being a dick. He has become s parent too. You being maternity leave means you are responsible for the baby during hours that he's at work. All other hours are 50/50 - or at least they should be. As you're breastfeeding you will automatically be responsible for all feeds but that doesn't mean he should do nothing else! When he is at home does he do nappy changes? Bath time? Get you drinks/snacks when you are bfing? Being at home with a baby is infinitely more exhausting than going to work, I'd imagine you're both pretty shattered but that's why you should both be parenting, not just one of you.

Atenco · 09/07/2016 12:16

He sounds awfully like my ex, except that he behaved like that before I got pregnant and I had fortunately got rid before I found out I was pregnant.

I bf and took my baby to parties, no problem. It is a lot easier when they are so small because they sleep more. Why would you think that being a mother means you have to stay in all the time?

Dutchcourage · 09/07/2016 12:47

How sad you don't see him being sexiest Sad

op I think you need to reread whst the definition of feminist means.

Also - door mat

Also - push over

Original poster
LubiLooLoo · 09/07/2016 13:13

He's just sitting in our room for our room with the baby watching GOT...

I want help with the baby yes but out and about, talking to family, not alone while they are shut in my bedroom.

OP posts:
Dutchcourage · 09/07/2016 13:33

Why don't you use this time to go spend with your friends or a child free coffee?

Original poster
LubiLooLoo · 09/07/2016 14:40

Thank you wonderful MN ladies for all your opinions! Feel much better Halo

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 09/07/2016 15:02

no, he does not help with the baby... helping implies no responsibility. look at your language and attitude... he is supposed to be an equal parent who shares looking after baby 50/50.

ex used to say I have changed a nappy for you... he used to get told that he changed the nappy for baby as was his duty as a parent. he never got it though. now he is disney dad getting weekend supervised access, still incapable of meeting their needs properly and dealing with their disabilities.

you need to thiink carefully about what you want. the resentment of having a hanger on at home really gets to you after a bit.

I would be tempted to tell him that he either stops acting like a single person and steps up with his responsibilities or he goes back tobeing a single person and you give him the boot hard up the derrier

BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi · 09/07/2016 16:36

I dont see this in terms of sex and job allocation.

Just in terms of a father loving and caring for his child and his partner.

limon · 10/07/2016 20:47

Actually OP he's a selfish man. He has not adjusted to the fact that he is now part of a family, he has carried on stealing all the spare time, and he's suggested you're being unreasonable. My advice is nip this in the bud now. Start to take.time.to yourself when you can - tell him you are.going for a.walk/rest/cup of tea at a.cafe and do it regularly. This sets a tone for the rest of your time.as parents together.

WinniePooh101 · 10/07/2016 21:26

Lub His behaviour is completely unacceptable! I do whether his friend has just got divorced, his sister is in training or whatever other reason he has, he now has a partner and a baby! You and baby should be his number one priority! Of course he shouldn't be slopping off to the pub for hours at a time and definitely bot going to a party the way he did. The fact he says the night at the party was worth upsetting you for really troubles me, you are his partner and the mother to his 10 week old baby! That should mean more to him than anything. He sounds horrendously immature, selfish and he doesn't sound like he's woken up to the reality that he is no longer a single guy that can swan about with his mates as and when he feels like it.

Have you thought about doing combined feeding breast and bottle? That would stop all the feeding being your sole responsibility and give you a bit more free time and also put him in a position where you will be able to see if he steps up or not because the beauty of bottle feeding means he can take turns!

NowWhat1983 · 10/07/2016 21:59

You have a 10 week old baby and you're squabbling over who get to go to the pubs and parties and dump the baby on each other.

Both of you need to grow up and ditch the pubs and socialising in mid summer with a new baby.

EverythingWillBeFine · 10/07/2016 22:02

Please don't let him get away with it on the grounds that when you have finished bf'ing he will do it all on hos own.
Because he won't.
On the contrary, he will look at you saying he doesn;t knw what to do, can't calm the baby down as he so used to you etc etc
he will say he is entitled to see his friends, just like now, except that it will then be a habit and why should it change now??

You need to have a word NOW about what it means to be a father and how it means that he has 50% of the responsibility and the work.
So no he can't feed to baby but he can ALL THE REST including putting the baby to sleep, bath, going for a stroll etc...
H ecan't also do the one best after that whihc is to support the person (you) who is doing all the work because he doesn't have boobs.

If you leave him to his single man lifestyle, he is very likely to revert back to the 1950s (see his sudden interest for computer games that takes him away from looking after the baby...) and it will be hell to change that again.

EverythingWillBeFine · 10/07/2016 22:07

Another thing about being 'allowed out'.

yes he is 'allowed' to go out and see friend.
What he isn't allowed is to be a dick. To leave his DW on her own all weekend when she has already spent all thre week on her won looking after HIS baby.
To not be fully involved with family life
To not out his family, his DWQ and his chi8ld above his friends and his 'need' to go out.

So bottom line is. He needs to grow up and take hard decisions like a grown up.
It's up to yuou to say what he is allowed to do or not.
He should decide by himself that this is the rigt course of action.

And if he isn't he is just proving he is twat of the first order.

Stegfi · 10/07/2016 22:42

Okay so he does sound like he's being an arse, but it also sounds like to some extent that you have to accept that your life has changed too. Having a child involves a certain amount of sacrifice. Sometimes there is nothing more dull than going through the bedtime routine night after night but it needs to be done.
At the moment you're not missing work, but maybe he's really struggling with work and the new baby. It wasn't until recently that my husband told me after our first child was born that he was regularly falling asleep at work.
Maybe he needs some encouragement to get involved because he doesn't see how he can fit in? Maybe try getting him to help out with bath time or nappy changing and as much as you may need to grit your teeth to do it, let him know what a great job he's doing rather than saying something like 'oh but I'd normally do it this way'.
Are you getting out with baby enough yourself? I know baby groups in no way compare to a night on the razz with your mate, but there are lots of different ones to try (we even have some in pubs in our area).
Maybe he's got post natal depression or then again he could just be being a dick.
You do need to talk to each other honestly, discuss your expectations and you both need to face up to the realities of being a parent.

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