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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really disappointed in DS's Yr 6 teacher...

281 replies

usernamesarenotimportant · 08/07/2016 23:57

I'm probably going to get a lot of YABU but that's ok. I just want to rant a bit.

It is DS's Birthday so he brought in some sweets like all the kids do. However there is a child who has been really nasty to DS throughout the whole year (violently). To the point that DS had to be educated at home for a month. It's all a very long story. He absolutely didn't want to give this boy a sweet. I assumed he wouldn't have to? His teacher said he wouldn't be allowed to give his sweets out if he wasn't going to give to all the children. My DS said that he wouldn't give the sweets out. I thought that was fair enough. But then his teacher seemed to pester him about how that wasn't really fair as the class had got excited about getting sweets and he had taken that away from them. DS said he would give them the sweets outside of the school gates so she confiscated them and said he won't be and that "considering the year he has had, she is surprised by the way he is deciding to treat somebody" no. no. no. no! that's really unreasonable in my opinion, this isn't some poor little boy who my DS is deciding to exclude, this is the child that violently attacked my son many times throughout the year and couldn't give a shit about it as he kept doing it repeatedly. She also wouldn't let him hand out his part invites in her classroom as he was the only boy not invited... But also wouldn't give him the invites back (they have to give them to the teacher at the start of the day). I'm just absolutely appalled. Is it me, or is this not exactly fair?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/07/2016 00:37

I have given out invites by dropping them off or calling parents or handing them out outside school.
Teacher shouldn't keep invites or sweets. Ask for them back.
But you can't expect teacher to hand stuff out in front of the whole class to everyone except this one child.
And who on the thread has said bullying is ok?Confused

yaaasqueen · 09/07/2016 00:37

On mumsnet there's no bullying op, just special snowflakes who don't know what they do is wrong. Just let it go, I get you. Some kids are little fucker, actually in yr6 less of the little

arethereanyleftatall · 09/07/2016 00:37

Crystal - no one is saying that he has to invite the boy who bullied him to his party. Just that, on purpose excluding just one is unkind, and you can't seriously expect a teacher to condone this exclusion, which is what you're asking her to do by asking her to hand invites/sweets out to all except one.

HopeClearwater · 09/07/2016 00:38

Your child could have learned the lesson that he would have been the bigger person to have let every child including the bully have a sweet. It wouldn't come naturally to a year 6 child, no, but they've got to learn some time that it's just petty to stand at the front with a big bag of sweets and say 'Not you, mate'. I think that's what the teacher was getting at.

Peanutbutterrules · 09/07/2016 00:38

You should ask for them back- they are not her property and she shouldn't hold onto them.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 00:39

You created this situation
No matter what went on in the past you cannot seriously expect a teacher to allow a child to share with all the children bar one. If you and he wanted to treat all the children bar one then do it after school not in class. As for party invitations , most school ban or discourage handing out in class and expect parents or child to do it in the playground before or after school and know teachers aren't delivery services.

If you encouraged your son in this then you encouraged him to look mean and spiteful in front of his peers. Had my child come home with this tale we'd have declined the party invitation and we wouldn't be the only ones to do so. Children at that age tend to have a very strong sense of justice.

Original poster
usernamesarenotimportant · 09/07/2016 00:39

No... She hasn't spoken to me, despite me making eye contact with her. I'm not knocking her, she has a tough job, but she hasn't got the best record for helping my son this year.

No, this child is still just as awful, still the odd verbal comment, but no physical stuff. DS decided to just put up with the odd comments until he leaves. Which he shouldn't have to.

I'm not dismissing the people who think I'm being unreasonable, but you are deciding to miss the bits that I'm actually annoyed about.

OP posts:
springwaters · 09/07/2016 00:39

It is not the job of a teacher to give out invitations.

You want to invite selected children then yes you may well have to go to each house.

Teachers are teachers not social secretaries.

crystalgall · 09/07/2016 00:39

I agree with everything you said arethere.
I don't agree with teacher refusing give them
Back to the son and I dnt agree with teacher trying to call
Op's
Son a bully and that he is turning into te child who physically attacked him. Op son has been through a traumatic time and should be supported not hassled by his teacher

LouBlue1507 · 09/07/2016 00:40

Surely though, that's a consequence of being so nasty to someone else?

Yes, but it's not the teachers place to teach/enforce that to the bully.

A teacher is NOT ALLOWED to allow exclusion! Fgs what don't you understand about that?? Like hell should she risk her job for the sake of some sweets and party invites!

hownottofuckup · 09/07/2016 00:40

Thinking about it abit more, it does seem like if a child is prevented from joining in a school tradition like handing out sweets to their class on their birthday (it's a big thing in DC's school) because they have been persistently bullied and quite understandably don't want to give a sweet to their bully, then they are being punished for having been bullied. How is that right? It makes no sense whatsoever, and gives completely the wrong message to both children.

CodyKing · 09/07/2016 00:41

A teacher is NOT ALLOWED to allow exclusion! Fgs what don't you understand about that??

The point being she kept the invites and sweets ...

minatiae · 09/07/2016 00:41

maybe the leaving out isn't a problem for YOU, but it is the problem and I think the teacher was right.

You don't exclude someone like this. You don't respond to unkind behaviour with more unkind behaviour. No, your son shouldn't have had to go through that with this child, but excluding him in this scenario is not the answer. If it were my child I would be using it as a teachable moment that you do not have to treat others badly just because they have treated you badly. Always be the bigger person. It might have given your son some confidence to show kindness when it was not expected.

Brokenbiscuit · 09/07/2016 00:41

I think your ds has every right not to give sweets to the person who bullied him, and not to invite that person to his party.

In your situation though, I wouldn't have allowed him to take in sweets for the whole class, bar one, and I'm surprised you thought it was ok to do that. Similarly, I wouldn't have allowed my dd to exclude only one child from her party - if there was a child she didn't want, she would have to invite a smaller group.

Myfirst · 09/07/2016 00:42

"Seemed to pester him" - sounds like she asked him to reconsider and he continued to say no he didn't want to. Therefore no sweets can be given out. End of story. Not something to be disappointed in the teacher about.

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2016 00:43

You are annoyed. Fair enough. No one should have to endure bullying.
You are expecting the teacher to punish the child for your annoyance by excluding them from stuff given out to the whole class. YABU.

crystalgall · 09/07/2016 00:44

Again above. MN.
If a child repeatedly hit my child to the point he had to be homeschooled I would be teaching my
Child about justice and fairness and punishment. Not about being a bigger person.

If your DH smacked you about would you be the bigger person

If a stranger lamped you on the bus would you be the bigger person

Why does a child have to be better.

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2016 00:45

Crystal. It's not about the child. It's about expecting the teacher to collude in this exclusion.

Original poster
usernamesarenotimportant · 09/07/2016 00:46

Oh well, maybe you get a bit like me (pissed off at a teacher trying to make comments to make my son feel bad) when you've watched your child be torn apart this whole year, to the point they want to die. To be honest, I couldn't give a flying fuck about how that 11 year old felt, he should learn to stop doing what he does. I didn't egg my child on to do this. I always referred to the sweets as the whole class, and that morning my son just said "yeah, but I'm not giving to (bully's name)" and I was just like ok. I knew the boy wasn't invited to the party the whole time, but he couldn't make the group smaller as then he is actually leaving out his friends which isn't fair.

Like I say though, that isn't the issue, it's the comments to make my son feel bad that is.

OP posts:
crystalgall · 09/07/2016 00:46

Well
No
I do agree with you on that wolfie

I was responding to the post above about the son being kind to this boy. No chance. You wouldn't be kind to a husband who beat you up.

crystalgall · 09/07/2016 00:47

And also I feel
I'm one of the int
Few reading OP like now when again she has said its the COMMENTS made by the teacher that are the biggest issue

Justbeingnosey123 · 09/07/2016 00:48

I think the key issue is the teacher isn't wrong to prevent exclusion in the classroom. However surely the reasonable thing would be to find the parent explain the situation Ie, I know it's been a crap year for you and DC but in school we can't allow exclusion in school here are the invites, sweets back, I hope you understand.

ilovesooty · 09/07/2016 00:48

The teacher doubtless has more important things to do than handle year 6 party invitations.

Make your own arrangements re parties and sweet distribution in future - teachers cannot collude in exclusion.

Original poster
usernamesarenotimportant · 09/07/2016 00:50

crystal, you do seem to be the only person who can actually read what I'm saying!

Your domestic abuse example is very true.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/07/2016 00:51

Don't invite kid to the party. Why would you!!!
Don't expect the teacher to single out the child in school time. Schools should issue consequences for bad behaviour. They shouldn't give stuff out but exclude one child. Your anger over bullying is clouding your judgement. What do you expect teacher to say to this kid when telling him he can't have a sweet? "You're a horrid bully?" "X doesn't like you".

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