Really disappointed in DS's Yr 6 teacher...

[usernamesarenotimportant]

I'm probably going to get a lot of YABU but that's ok. I just want to rant a bit.

It is DS's Birthday so he brought in some sweets like all the kids do. However there is a child who has been really nasty to DS throughout the whole year (violently). To the point that DS had to be educated at home for a month. It's all a very long story. He absolutely didn't want to give this boy a sweet. I assumed he wouldn't have to? His teacher said he wouldn't be allowed to give his sweets out if he wasn't going to give to all the children. My DS said that he wouldn't give the sweets out. I thought that was fair enough. But then his teacher seemed to pester him about how that wasn't really fair as the class had got excited about getting sweets and he had taken that away from them. DS said he would give them the sweets outside of the school gates so she confiscated them and said he won't be and that "considering the year he has had, she is surprised by the way he is deciding to treat somebody" no. no. no. no! that's really unreasonable in my opinion, this isn't some poor little boy who my DS is deciding to exclude, this is the child that violently attacked my son many times throughout the year and couldn't give a shit about it as he kept doing it repeatedly. She also wouldn't let him hand out his part invites in her classroom as he was the only boy not invited... But also wouldn't give him the invites back (they have to give them to the teacher at the start of the day). I'm just absolutely appalled. Is it me, or is this not exactly fair?

[usernamesarenotimportant]

I don't have much respect for them, no, would you? After how much they have failed him, I don't think so.

He was provided with tutoring, I wouldn't be able to home educate for the whole year. There were plans put in place for that month.

[bumsexatthebingo]

Firstly I think it needs pointing out that everything on here is the word of the op's ds.
OP I think this is on you. I don't blame a child for not wanting to give another child who has upset him a sweet and wanting him to be the only one left out of a party. But you are an adult and should know better. What would have been wrong with having a party with his actual friends rather than leaving one child out purely to make a point? I don't think there is a school in existence that would give party invites out to all in the class but one person. If you want to teach the child a lesson you need to do it on your own time.
I would also question why, if your child is so scared of this boy, you would be wanting to inflame a situation which seems to have calmed down lately by encouraging your child to give everyone but the 'bully' a sweet? Perhaps the class teacher didn't want trouble starting up again. It doesn't seem like the action of a scared, bullied child tbh but someone trying to get a rise so I suspect there is more to the 'bullying' than you are prepared to acknowledge.
And telling the whole class they are getting sweets then saying actually - no I'm taking them home is not likely to endear your ds to the rest of the class either. I see no harm in the teacher pointing that out.
I would ask the teacher why she confiscated the sweets/invites. If it was the case for eg that he had been asked not to go on about the 'bully' not getting one at home time but carried on then I would think it perfectly reasonable they were confiscated for a day.

[JessicaRabbit3]

Are you for real your bashing the teacher for not bowing down to excluding this boy from recieving a bag of sweets when everyone else gets one. My DS school would never allow this and would explain why it's not acceptable. He could of been the bigger person but he chose not to. He wanted to excluded this boy on purpose but he didn't need to make a big show of it and could of handed the invites discreetly at break time and the sweets after school.

[usernamesarenotimportant]

bumsexatthebingo - have you RTFT? If so I think you would have read the bit where I didn't encourage it. I think it's also increadibly rude for you to put bullying in quotation marks, implying it wasn't bullying at all and there was more to it and how he doesn't seem like a scared child, where did I say he is currently scared? It really is very rude and unfair to suggest he wasn't bullied. My DS has been on many confidence building courses and has been to the hospital 3 times due to attacks that have happend. He has also have months of therapy and a month of school, no, not bullying at all. Why would you try and pretend that never happened? I'm not getting it, just because he is now a confident boy happy in his own skin doesn't mean he was never bullied, or should be scared.

[bumsexatthebingo]

Yes I've read it. And after all the trouble there has been you should have told your son it was sweets for the whole class or no sweets at all. I can't fathom why you would want to start trouble again when it has seemingly died down?

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Have you had some therapy yourself? It sounds like this was a very upsetting year for you and it's warped your perception of things.

The teacher was absolutely right to say what she did. Your son tried to use his birthday treat as a way of hurting and excluding another child. She was right to try to stop him and you should have too. He doesn't have to like the child or go out of his way to be kind or even interact with him at all, but he can't announce to everyone that he'll be handing out sweets at the school gate to everyone but Jimmy. That's an awful way to behave, and yeah, someone who has been bullied and excluded should know better.

[JudyCoolibar]

Oh, come off it, bumsexatthebingo. A child who has been the target of violent bullying for several months should have been "the bigger person"? I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous. And you are advocating this basically to placate the bully. How on earth would that help the situation?

OP accepts that her son could hand the invitations and sweets out elsewhere. Why don't you get that? She simply says that the teacher shouldn't have pressurised him, and I agree. The teacher certainly had no right to keep his things. It is really quite worrying that she has perpetuated the bullying in this manner. There are regrettably some teachers who simply don't deal effectively with bullies and end up regarding the victim as a nuisance if they won't put up with it and keep quiet, and it looks a bit as if this is one of them.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Telling the class you're going to give everyone a treat except Jimmy, and then saying actually nobody gets a treat because I won't give one to Jimmy too, but no actually I will, I'll wait by the school gate and give everyone of you a treat but not Jimmy - THAT is bullying. Yes Jimmy might be the most awful child in the world but it is NEVER okay to bully and the teacher was exactly right to stop him. I can't believe the OP thought her DS's behaviour was acceptable. I would want him back in therapy tbh, because he seems to have learned that the best defence against bullying is to do it yourself :(

[heron98]

I think you're overly invested. It's a sweet. An eye for an eye and all that.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

The teacher should have given your son back his stuff at the end of the day.

I would say that she hasn't exactly been supportive of your DS if nothing was done about the violent activities of the boy who he wants nothing to do with (understandably); and neither has the Head if he prevented you from contacting the police, despite the violence being of sufficient intensity that your DS not only wanted to die but you had to take him out of school for a period.

I understand the teacher's need to be impartial in respect of handing out sweets and invitations; but her empathy for your son is non-existent.
Given this, it was possibly a mistake for your DS to have taken sweets and party invitations into school, since clearly no one was going to stand up for him in his choice not to invite/treat the boy who had been bashing him all year.

So no, YANBU to be disappointed that she pestered your son to a point of unreasonableness - she should have given him the sweets back and said "keep them in your bag until after school, then it's not my business what you do with them then." Which is exactly right - once out of her jurisdiction, she has no control over what your DS chooses to do with HIS sweets. While in the classroom, she does have to be seen to be impartial.

[Justaskingnottelling]

OP, you have had a right flaming on here. Maybe no one else has been bullied or had their child bullied. I can see it might make it difficult for you to see how this had put the teacher in a difficult position when all you want to do is protect your child.

I agree that the teacher can't be seen to condone exclusion but I think you can see that yourself a bit? But it is a bit much to expect to have to put up with a lecture about it and to have their things confiscated after the end of the school day.

It's asking for extreme maturity from a child to 'be the bigger person'. I should imagine all he feels is, 'you (the teacher) didn't protect me when I was being bullied but now you are protecting him'. What the hell message is that sending out to the child - his feelings are important and yours aren't"t? And once again I reiterate, it's not about the exclusion per se, but the lecture afterwards.

If I had a party at work, I wouldn't invite the person who had violently bullied me and I seriously doubt any one of you would either. The fact that it's a child being bullied doesn't change the feelings involved.

If I were you OP l would explain to your child why the teacher has to be even-handed about these things but that you understand why he felt the way he did. Maybe I might add that this child may have family issues that make him the way he is and why the teacher needs to protect him. That might not excuse his past behaviour but explain it a bit.

Yes I understand that teachers have an extremely difficult job and I laud them for doing under often incredibly trying circumstances. But I also understand OP why you feel upset, because I know the damaging and long term consequences of bullying. Hope your son has a much better experience at senior school.

[NaughtToThreeSadOnions]

OP, you have had a right flaming on here. Maybe no one else has been bullied or had their child bullied

Do you want a list of how I was bullied?! I had children deliberately sharpening their pencils to stick in to me while the teacher turned a blind eye and actually said to my mum it's her fault for being different. (I'm aspergers and I had an Irish accent cos I lived there until I was 7) then at high school I had spent 3 years growing my hair and I had chewing gum smeared in it, and the older brother of the culprit come and threaten me and my baby brother who was 7 months old at the time. So please don't tell me that I've never been bullied.

That experience however is exactly what makes me say the op is being utterly unreasonable. I've been the victim, I would never want another child excluded bully or not. That makes me no better than the dick heads that broke my childhood.

[calistamommy]

If it was me OP I would have felt the same. My daughter has been bullied and I certainly wouldn't invite her to a party ( I mean come on why would anyone want to pay for a child who had caused my child distress to have a fun time !) as for the sweets it is all in or none in as the school wouldn't want backlash from the singled out child's parent. No reason to keep the sweets though as long as he gave them out off school property they are his to do with as he wants. In hindsight giving them out to all in class would have been taking the high road and better for your son. But I would have been silently peed off

[Justaskingnottelling]

Naught, did you read my whole post. I said TWICE, I wasn't condoning exclusion.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. And as an adult, you can understand and choose to be the bigger person. And good for you. My point was a child may not get that and just feel that their feelings don't matter if they get a lecture about it.

To call the OP utterly unreasonable is showing no empathy whatsoever to how she may feel. I understand that she might feel more empathy for her child than for her child's teacher. And I kind of understand why.

Btw I don't really see why you need to be so angry with me. I can hardly be held accountable for not knowing your situation when you hadn't told it to me. I was just surprised that so very few people showed any understanding at all for the OP and why she might feel upset.

[ThoraGruntwhistle]

The teacher should have a rule that sweets and invitations are given out at the end of the day by the birthday child, as the children all go home. Then she is not involved and has no idea who got one.
It absolutely is not her place to keep harping on about the sweets after OP's son decided not to give them out, reminding the children about them in order to put pressure on him, nor to keep them.

[JessicaRabbit3]

My own DS has been hit called names for wearing glasses had his money took of him etc. Lad hit and he gave him the biggest hiding. The lad has left him alone since. It's very common bullying. But he would never exclude him from having class sweets for his birthday (which was yesterday, unfortunately I forgot to buy them) you were just as much a part of it as you knew his intentions as a parent you should of said the sweets are for the class 'bobby' it is a form of bullying to exclude him from the group on getting a small pack of haribos. The teacher will have been busy handing out end of year reports etc and most likely forgot to give them back.

[LynetteScavo]

The teacher m banged on about giving the sweets out, then refused to give the to your DS at the end of the day?

I would be annoyed, but not disappointed.

However, I would have swiftly told my DS he couldn't not give one person sweets. You don't teach some some not to be a bully by being mean to them. An 11yo won't want to give sweets to someone who has been hitting them, but it's for us as adults to explain why we have to be the better person.

[NaughtToThreeSadOnions]

I know you did but your first line was maybe no ones been bullied. No you were in correct.

And actually that thought process didn't come as an adult it came as a child my school life was hard and frightening but I would never never even as a child wish another child to be exculed or bullied.

Any the op is an adult and should be teaching her son, to be more compassionate and understanding which is actually probably what the the teacher was trying to do to by the questioning trying to making the ops son realise the conquences of his actions.

[mathanxiety]

Surely though, that's a consequence of being so nasty to someone else?

Of course there can be consequences. You don't have to have anything to do with the bully ever again. No invitations for certain.

But you cannot rope in the teacher to dish out your private consequences to this boy. Do you not see that?

If you feel the school let him off too leniently for his treatment of your son, then you need to take that up with the school, write to the governors, etc.

If you feel the teacher mishandled the situation by pestering your son (presumably in front of the class) and refusing to give back the invitations and treats, then take that to the school too. I wouldn't be happy with that aspect of what happened.

[NaughtToThreeSadOnions]

No I have no epmarhy with the op because I do not understand in any way how she thinks it's at all reasonable to exclude another child. It isn't full stop, there are things in life that are unreasonable.

I don't have any empathy for the bully who was so physically voilent that her son was pulled away from school, either. Neither do I for the dick heads that wrecked my school life. Their behaviour was unreasonable too. Utterly!

Being unreasonable back does not make you right, it makes you just as bad as them. Any way the op isn't pissed off with the bully. She's pissed of with the teacher who behaved reasonably by telling her son to stick to the school rules and tried to get him to consider his actions. Actions his mother encouraged. So yes she is utterly unreadable!

[BoGrainger]

Sweets are given out at the end of the day right? How did the teacher know in advance that a child was going to be excluded? Hopefully your ds wouldn't have walked into school and announced it. As for the 'pestering', I can imagine her asking if he'd reconsider later on and then actually asking him if he'd reconsidered nearer the time which is fair enough. As for the 'confiscating', she probably put the sweets and invites somewhere to give back at the end of the day and just forgot. When you go in to collect them explain that your ds's version of events sounds slightly bizarre and ask her for her version.

[NaughtToThreeSadOnions]

Reasonable

[mathanxiety]

There are regrettably some teachers who simply don't deal effectively with bullies and end up regarding the victim as a nuisance if they won't put up with it and keep quiet, and it looks a bit as if this is one of them. [JudyCoolibar]

I agree with this.

[nousernames]

I'm a teacher and I think yanbu.

Obviously she was right not to allow one child to be excluded. But to continuously pester your son to bend to her way of thinking was wrong imo especially if this was in front of the other boy.