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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
happypoobum · 08/07/2016 16:33

YABU - there is no way any TA would get a day off for a wedding in term time at my school.

You are now saying you don't expect her to have the time off, or for her DC to have the day off school, so what is your problem with SIL exactly?

I can understand being annoyed with BIL for reneging on being best man, as you say he has no excuse for not taking the time off. You really don't seem to like SIL, but it seems to me only BIL has a poor excuse for not going.

JudyCoolibar · 08/07/2016 16:37

Well having now read most of the thread, all I can say is...if you could only get the venue you both rally want on a weekday, and also, you'd make a substantial financial saving on it...you'd be nuts to say no, whoever could or couldn't get there! It's about the bride & groom, not anyone else

I agree that a wedding is primarily about the bride and groom. However, if you are inviting guests at all, it seems to me that family come second, friends come third, and the venue definitely comes fourth. People come before bricks and mortar.

TellAStory · 08/07/2016 16:46

In my ds school a TA would not be granted unpaid leave for a wedding and staff all accept the policy, it is the downside of term time only work, it may be the case in your SIL school. Some funerals and unavoidable medical appointment are the only exceptions.

mum2Bomg · 08/07/2016 16:48

If you've invited her and she's said no, that's the end of the story. You can judge all you like but you can't make people come. Even her...

teatowel · 08/07/2016 16:49

People who keep saying that the OP gave her plenty of notice just don't understand schools. They don't function like an office. In many schools it is not an option. It will not happen!

rubberducker · 08/07/2016 17:06

The OP said SIL is also refusing to come to the wedding breakfast/reception which is after school finishes so seems to indicate to me that she is deliberately being awkward.

Careforadrink · 08/07/2016 17:09

Yanbu

My school sports day last week and there were 3 teachers and 2 assistants all from other schools there to watch their children. Imo most of them can get time off if they want it.

jacks11 · 08/07/2016 17:30

I think she is being both reasonable and unreasonable.

She may genuinely not be able to get time off. It's also understandable that she may not want to come if it means taking unpaid leave- she might not be able to afford to or may be worried it may mean unpaid leave she needs for childcare (e.g. kids off sick) may not be granted as she's had this day off.

However, she is unreasonable for being huffy or difficult about the situation and asking you to change the date. She has had plenty of time to discuss this with you and chose not to. A bit late in the day to start demanding whole day is rearranged around her. You do have your reasons for choosing the date and venue you did, and as long as you fully accept people may not be able or willing to come- and do so with good grace- then she really ought to decline the invitation with equal good grace if she cannot or does not wish to attend.

She is being unreasonable to say her husband cannot be best man or attend the wedding- it really isn't up to her.

I can also understand that she doesnt want to take the children out of school- I wouldn't do so for a wedding (and school may not sanction it anyway). I think it is unreasonable of you to expect that.

hesterton · 08/07/2016 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CraftyPenguin · 08/07/2016 17:38

Dh was able to a day off for his sisters wedding, it was unpaid leave. Also had time off unpaid for funerals.

Primaryteach87 · 08/07/2016 17:40

I would say it is very much the norm for schools to refuse time off for all but essential time off in term time. Hospital appointments get raised eyebrows in my workplace! So I think YABU

ThisUsernameIsAvailable · 08/07/2016 17:43

I used to be a TA and I wouldn't have been able to take the day off for a wedding. I also wouldn't take my children out of school for one

blowmybarnacles · 08/07/2016 17:47

Thing is OP, this is you SIL. You are either bothered about future cordial relations, or, as in your case, you aren't.

Bestthingever · 08/07/2016 17:47

Carefor that may be your opinion but plenty of TAs on this thread have told you it is not an option. I have a friend who works in foundation at the school where her daughter is in the kitchen juniors. She was not allowed to watch her daughters sports day even for 10 minutes. Personally because the inability to take time off during term time is making life difficult for me I have asked to reduce the number of days I work.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/07/2016 17:48

If she's already taken time off for other mundane reasons, of course she can do it with ten months notice. She is obviously being deliberately obtuse and awkward

Or the head has said at the time off the naming ceremony that it was a one and only time it would happen.

She wouldn't get the time off at any school I have taught at.

MissPattie · 08/07/2016 17:49

You seem to have quite a lot of contempt for schools, especially as you can't understand why the last day is important. It's not just that she wants to have a few drinks with colleagues rather than go to her DB's wedding.

I presume you don't have children.

The last day can be chaos. It's like saying to an accountant, "oh can you just take the year end off?" Or an editor: "tell you what, I know it's your deadline for the year, but ditch it for me."

Couple this with the fact that she will be refused and you've got your answer.

She's not coming. She's not coming because you picked the wrong day.

The chances are you've fucked this up, and there will be lots of people I your family who will think you are being a Bridezilla.

Deal with it.

CuthbertDibble · 08/07/2016 17:58

Can you not change your timings for the wedding? Push it back by a couple of hours, ceremony at 5pm, dinner at 6.30, partying from 8.30-9pm.

WorraLiberty · 08/07/2016 18:04

10 months from now is May.

May is SATS month.

I really can't imagine any headteacher being happy with a TA asking for time off for a wedding, either paid or unpaid.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/07/2016 18:09

If it is at the time of SATS then there is absolutely no way a head will authorise it.

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 08/07/2016 18:18

You asked her if she could take the time off, she said no, so you went ahead anyway. Of course she is offended. To her it will seem like you don't give a crap whether she can go or not. Yes the going incommunicado was a bit childish, but lots of people would take the hump at being led to believe the venue for a close relative's wedding was more important than their attendance. Perhaps she now feels like she is being coerced into potentially putting herself in a very bad position with her HT, when it's a job she really loves. She shouldn't be being guilt-tripped like this just because you are being precious. Suck it up and accept she won't be there.

Yellowbird54321 · 08/07/2016 18:30

To be honest OP I'm guessing SIL doesn't like you, so why not just leave her out of it all and carry on with your plans.

JudyCoolibar · 08/07/2016 18:31

If she's already taken time off for other mundane reasons, of course she can do it with ten months notice. She is obviously being deliberately obtuse and awkward

Not necessarily. There are certain times of year when schools really don't want anyone taking time off unnecessarily, including times when they are doing SATs and school trips. It's not always helpful having notice, either, because there might be particular events or activities that the TA is particularly involved with that may not be fully planned 10 months ahead, so she may genuinely not know what sort of impact her absence would have.

AGruffaloCrumble · 08/07/2016 18:32

19lottie82
You're choosing to have an issue with my post and I have no idea why. I never once said I would "tell him he couldn't go" or even that I would dictate him to go for an hour. My DP wouldn't put up with being told what he can or can't do as he is not mine to be told. You can FO with your assumptions to be honest.

derektheladyhamster · 08/07/2016 18:33

I wouldn't be able to take time off for this, she probably didn't answer your texts as she had already made it clear she couldn't take any term time off.
I would be pissed off that you'd chosen a venue over having an important member of the family there. I think you and df should go round and have a frank conversation and apologise otherwise this is the type of thing that can fester for years.
I would also probably throw my toys out of the pram over it too, family means a lot to me and I'd take this as a real snub.

5432112345 · 08/07/2016 18:53

I have been the sister in this situation. When my brother text me the date of his wedding I cried, I was absolutely gutted that he would choose a date that I couldn't attend.

Fortunately for me when my mother (also a teacher!!!!!) explain the situation they moved the day of the wedding. In my case they didn't realise that I wouldn't be able to take the day off.

Some schools allow it some don't. Your SIL has told you she can't take the day off and you have gone ahead and booked it. Imagine your sibling booking their wedding on a day you couldn't attend - would you be feeling welcomed and loved by your sibling?

I think you need to look at this from your SILs position, you've pretty much told her she is less important than you saving some money. Nice.