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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
Doggity · 08/07/2016 14:47

Read your responses, still think YABU.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 14:55

I have answered the questions thanks JudyCoolibar.

Again we couldn't of got married on any of her days off as the venue is booked - this day was available and in the month we wanted and fits in around our schedule.

I have said OVER AND OVER that we know people cant come and FULL ACCEPT that she may not be able too. Missing my point again.

I am not changing our wedding date for her now at our expense, after we have given her ample of opportunity to get back to us & she is being deliberately awkward and not making the effort to ask for this when one of her other days off recently was to attend the naming ceremony of a friends child on a Thursday....mid term.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 14:57

one of her other days off recently was to attend the naming ceremony of a friends child on a Thursday....mid term.

Drip drip drip-why didn't you mention this before? Hmm

JudyCoolibar · 08/07/2016 15:00

Again we couldn't have got married on any of her days off as the venue is booked - this day was available and in the month we wanted and fits in around our schedule.

But if you want your SIL to come - and really you should - why even consider a date during termtime? Was every single day during every school holiday around the relevant time booked? If the truth is that you would only contemplate a month during termtime, you really aren't in any position to criticise her.

teatowel · 08/07/2016 15:02

Those of us who work in schools are extremely lucky (as the rest of the population constantly tell us !) in having long holidays. However they come at a price and that is that that we can't just book days off when we wish or when it suits another family member. Our holidays are set in stone and that can sometimes make us inflexible.

EdmundCleverClogs · 08/07/2016 15:02

I have said OVER AND OVER that we know people cant come and FULL ACCEPT that she may not be able too. Missing my point again.

If you accept she won't be able to come (not may, she was clear from the start, if it was term time then it was a no-go), what precisely is your thread/point about?

bombayflambe · 08/07/2016 15:02

one of her other days off recently was to attend the naming ceremony of a friends child on a Thursday....mid term.

  1. the idea of a midweek naming ceremony is completely insane.
  2. presumably her husband looked after the kids after school?
  3. At least it wasn't the last day of term.
flowery · 08/07/2016 15:03

You knew perfectly well, as you emphasised in your OP, that it would be extremely difficult/impossible for her to get time off. Yet you asked her, and told her about how much you were in love with the venue, would get a good deal etc.

A normal reaction to that from someone who has previously emphasised to you that time off during term time is impossible, is to feel under enormous pressure and also to feel a bit peeved that you are putting that on her and at the same time sending the message that her attendance is less important than saving money.

LagunaBubbles · 08/07/2016 15:09

Its about the two of you. Not the guests

Couldn't disagree more, otherwise the couple could just get married in front in two witnesses and go home. It's a celebration of two people in love, and when I got married I wanted the people I loved and meant the most to me to be there. I can't imagine putting a venue above that, which is what the OP had effectively done. Fine, her and her grooms choice if that's what they want, the wedding day will soon be over but at least they will have nice photos to look at if nothing else.

Roussette · 08/07/2016 15:16

If she's already taken time off for other mundane reasons, of course she can do it with ten months notice. She is obviously being deliberately obtuse and awkward. Besides which it isn't even a full day, she can stay in school till midday. I think she has an inflated sense of her own self importance by the sounds of it, she isn't running the Bank of England.

OP, if you tried to contact her for two whole months and she refused to engage, just carry on with your wedding and ignore her. She sounds a total pain.

DampSqid · 08/07/2016 15:16

Is the wedding local? Presumably it is because you say she only needs a few hours off school? Is it possible for the sister and her family to just join you for the day after school finishes. She might miss the actual ceremony but would still be able to join in with the rest of the celebration.

How about cheerfully and happily suggesting this as a drama free solution. Rather than everyone getting angry and resentful you could all agree to this and go on and have a lovely wedding.

If it's a late afternoon wedding then I imagine you are not going to eat until later and if it's the last day of school then it doesn't matter if the kids stay up late.

I suppose she is a bit disappointed that you booked the last Friday rather than having the wedding the following week. I can see how that might have looked like you were not that fussed if she was there or not. I can also see why she might have felt a bit salty that her DH was best man but that she wasn't included in the wedding party. I think that's a daft decision but I can understand it. IYSWIM

JessicasElephant · 08/07/2016 15:23

If you book a weekday wedding during term time then you have to accept that children and any adults who work in schools won't be able to come. It is the trade off for the very long holidays teachers and teaching assistants get - you don't ever get to pick days off and you miss out on important events. Hospital appointments for children depends on the school (unless you are a carer for a child with disability). For sick children, a single day as an emergency is a legal entitlement, and some schools may allow an additional day or two (though my school only agrees to that where the other parent is also a teacher). Funerals depend on the school (mine is good with this), and illness can't be helped though most people return to school way too soon.

I'd be really upset if a sibling chose to organise their wedding for a day I couldn't come. I wouldn't reply to a Save the Date card because I wouldn't want to cause a fuss, but I'd be personally pretty hurt. So maybe she is being "huffy" because you have booked a day you knew was highly likely that she couldn't make, followed by putting pressure on her to attend.

JessicasElephant · 08/07/2016 15:32

I think she has an inflated sense of her own self importance by the sounds of it, she isn't running the Bank of England.

Some people simply do not get to choose when they take their holidays. If your employer says you cannot have the time then, quite frankly, you cannot have the time. It isn't about being feeling important, it is about not risking your job when you have bills to pay.

The day matters too. I know I was allowed to take an afternoon for a sports day because it was my ppa time, whereas my colleague couldn't because she had a full timetable that afternoon.

Roussette · 08/07/2016 15:41

But I don't think the SIL has even tried. That's the point.

Wdigin2this · 08/07/2016 15:52

Offs, she is obviously being a cow, or she would have taken your call/rung/text back/or got in touch somehow! I know it's very difficult to take time off in education, but she had 10 months notice, it's her brother's wedding, and she's obviously good at sticking to the rules under normal circumstances.....this is not a normal every day occurrence!!!
And why can't her kids have one afternoon off school, for such a special occasion as their uncle's wedding?
I got married on a Sunday, for the same reasons as you, if she wants you to change the date just to accommodate her, maybe she'd be willing to pay the difference!! Sounds like a spoiled, 'my way or the highway' kind of princess to me!

paxillin · 08/07/2016 16:00

The thing is, people will know your SIL wasn't important enough for you. Close family are totally aware she can't take time off. Some people will talk about it. It might overshadow things a little. And since people unfairly assume it is always bridezilla and never groomzilla who will drop a sister or SIL for a nicer venue, they will judge you rather than your fiance. But you know all of this, that is your worry in this saga, isn't it?

Wdigin2this · 08/07/2016 16:03

Well having now read most of the thread, all I can say is...if you could only get the venue you both rally want on a weekday, and also, you'd make a substantial financial saving on it...you'd be nuts to say no, whoever could or couldn't get there! It's about the bride & groom, not anyone else, and if she loves her brother and wants to be at the wedding, (with her family) then she should have responded to your calls immediately, and moved heaven and earth to get the time off....you certainly gave her plenty of warning! As for her kids, if they can't survive one afternoon off school to celebrate their own uncles wedding....there's something wrong with them and their school!!!

Ooooh, these wedding guests who think it's all about them, make me so mad....it's a , not a right To be invited to anyone's wedding!!

Wdigin2this · 08/07/2016 16:05

Sorry...it's a privelage!

Peeporeader · 08/07/2016 16:05

"Ooooh, these wedding guests who think it's all about them, make me so mad....it's a , not a right To be invited to anyone's wedding!!"

Sil has accepted this. Which is why shes not going!

Mummaaaaaah · 08/07/2016 16:07

So unreasonable! You chose a flippin venue over your fiance's family. I would be fuming!

Bestthingever · 08/07/2016 16:10

Why is she obviously being a cow?! Even the Op admits that she has always stated that her school is super strict about time off. She may have ignored attempts to communicate with her because she couldn't believe you placed her in that position. As others have said, many TAs feel insecure about their jobs, especially as most are on fixed term contracts. We don't know her side of the story so there is nothing obvious about it.
I feel sympathetic with her as my dh and ILs have never understood that I can't take time off during term time and I have to be REALLY ill to call in sick. It's the downside of being off in the school holidays and working school hours.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 16:11

all I can say is...if you could only get the venue you both really want on a weekday, and also, you'd make a substantial financial saving on it...you'd be nuts to say no, whoever could or couldn't get there! It's about the bride & groom, not anyone else

While obviously only the bride and groom actually have to be at the wedding I think this is such a sad attitude. I couldn't have imagined getting married without both my sisters there and we made a list of when key people weren't available to make sure they could come. There's no way I'd have left someone out to save money.

Sonders · 08/07/2016 16:17

I'm don't understand why everyone is being so harsh on OP, she's accepted that the mid-week wedding will mean not everyone will make it.

YANBU to expect your SIL to ask, or at least pretend she asked. The SIL IBVU to ban her DH from attending out of spite!

The amount of grief people get for spending loads of money on weddings, and OP is just trying to save some money - and she is fully aware of the consequences.

WannaBe · 08/07/2016 16:24

Tbh, I think that deliberately booking a wedding on a day which you know a close family member might not be able to attend sends a very clear message that that close family member's presence is unimportant, and I can absolutely see why she would want her DH (who is only family by marriage) to back her up and not attend as well.

Imagine the post on here: "my brother and SIL are getting married next year, and have asked my DH to be best man. Recently SIL contacted me to say that they have booked the venue and it falls on a Friday. I am a TA, and this Friday falls on the last day of term. SIL and DB know this, and yet they have booked the wedding on a day they know I won't be able to attend. IBU to feel that this is a deliberate snub and to want my DH's support?" The SIL would have unanimous support on here.

paxillin · 08/07/2016 16:27

My DH would not go to my brother's wedding knowingly booked to exclude me.