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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
user1467101855 · 08/07/2016 18:55

We have a nice head who would probably agree but frankly I would rather save her goodwill for something really urgent. I'd be upset about missing it but I would never stop my family from going

Can't be that upset, if you could get the time off easily but wouldn't. Hmm

Are the people here putting work above family weddings the people posting about how their family isn't close and no-one wants to babysit for them? If so, this is why. Choosing not to go to a siblings wedding is shitty behavior.

FuriousFate · 08/07/2016 19:05

YABU. Some people can't take weekdays off, even with a decade's notice. She told you she couldn't make a weekday wedding and you went ahead and booked anyway. Your DF can't value the relationship he has with her too highly!

FWIW we are currently in your SIL's position. BIL and his future wife have booked their wedding for a Friday, midway between Easter and May half term next year. They want my DC to be bridesmaid and pageboy. I can't take the Friday off work (education) and DC are of compulsory school age so can't be out. We received a save the date months before we even got them for weddings we are attending this year, but we still can't go! Well - DH could go alone, but as we also live abroad, any trips home are family holidays. There is no way round it unfortunately. We can't fly all of us across the Atlantic for a day (even if we could afford it!). DH doesn't have enough leave to spend long in the UK as we will need that for our own family holiday. This has caused HUGE fallout in terms of our relationship with PIL but BIL should have thought about whether he wanted his own brother to be at his wedding when he booked it! We've had three weddings on my side recently and each time we've been asked if we could attend if it was around school holidays. Obviously we have and were happy to make it work.

trafalgargal · 08/07/2016 19:05

It's all a bit thoughtless you excluded her from the wedding party but included her husband (wondering if other family couples are split or just Bro and SIL), then after one of the busiest working days of the wear she's expected to get not just herself but also two children ready and drive (OP has dodged answering how far away the venue is but last day of term Friday you can double usual Friday traffic anyway) to celebrate the wedding of a couple who think a showy wedding is more important than making family feel wanted.

If the kids did go ....for the entire day......who would look after them if Dad is best man? Are they expected to fend for themselves ? If you offered to make sure the kids were specifically looked after by another family member their Mum might be more inclined to let the kids go/get there for the evening .....but that would involve effort and thought from the OP so maybe not a workable idea.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/07/2016 19:07

Are the people here putting work above family weddings the people posting about how their family isn't close and no-one wants to babysit for them? If so, this is why. Choosing not to go to a siblings wedding is shitty behavior.

I am very close to my family.

All the heads I have worked with wouldn't have authorised it.

My family would actually have chosen a date that we could all attend rather than choosing one knowing that someone close maybe couldn't.

user1467101855 · 08/07/2016 19:12

There might not be a date that all can attend, lots of us work weekends. It's juts that most of us would put our family first, not our job.
TA, its a nice job but you're not missing brain surgery or a nasa launch, they can manage without you.

FuriousFate · 08/07/2016 19:14

Exactly my experience Piglet. The weddings we've been to on my side - well, the brides and grooms wouldn't have thought not to check we could make it! Who deliberately excludes a close family member?

FuriousFate · 08/07/2016 19:15

user - if only it were that easy... Hmm

user1467101855 · 08/07/2016 19:20

It is that easy. You book the day off.

This is another only UK thing, that makes no sense and doesn't happen in other, more sensible countries. Elsewhere, in sensible land, everyone knows that teacher, TA's etc have lives same as anyone else. They go to weddings, funerals, hospital appts etc, and everyone copes perfectly well. Imagine that!

FuriousFate · 08/07/2016 19:27

Sorry to disappoint user but I'm not in the UK and still can't get the day off! What a wonderful (fantasy?) land you must live in...

user1467101855 · 08/07/2016 19:31

Nope, real place. Just one with some sense.

Bestthingever · 08/07/2016 19:35

User I would be upset that my brother was clearly didn't care enough about me being there.
It is that easy. You book the day off. You really don't have a clue. Ever read a TA or a teachers contract? You are not entitled to days off in term time. There are some nice heads who will grant it but most won't. Even the nice ones get pissed off with people asking too much, put their foot down and start to refuse all requests.

GoblinLittleOwl · 08/07/2016 19:36

You knew that your sister-in-law couldn't have the day off, neither could her children, so why are you putting all this pressure on her? Presumably her husband feels that as his immediate family can't be there it would be unfair of him to go. I appreciate the huge difference in cost for a weekday wedding,and understand why you have chosen it, but you have to accept that sister-in law and family are abiding by the law, so stop making snide remarks about her and blaming her simply because she is conscientious.

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2016 19:40

Choosing not to go to a siblings wedding is shitty behavior

She is NOT choosing not to go. She CANNOT go.

Turn it round. Arranging your wedding when your groom's sister cannot go is upsetting. The OP is going to be in-laws with this family, presumably for a long time, this is not a good start. Siblings should be involved. It shouldn't be "Oh, well, you can't come, never mind, we're saving 5k"

JudyCoolibar · 08/07/2016 19:42

Choosing not to go to a siblings wedding is shitty behavior.

Not when it's a choice between going to the wedding and keeping your job.

It is that easy. You book the day off.

You can only book a day off if your employer gives you permission.

This is another only UK thing, that makes no sense and doesn't happen in other, more sensible countries. Elsewhere, in sensible land, everyone knows that teacher, TA's etc have lives same as anyone else. They go to weddings, funerals, hospital appts etc, and everyone copes perfectly well. Imagine that!

It happens precisely the same in other countries. Because schools everywhere recognise that chopping and changing teachers is not good for children's education, and reasonably expect teachers to arrange most of these things for their holiday or manage without. However, I don't think any school in the UK would refuse leave for the funeral of someone close.

Bestthingever · 08/07/2016 19:51

Also user I have worked in schools abroad and it was the same story. In fact in one school, I had a colleague who was fired because he insisted on taking a morning off to take his elderly mother to the airport after her visit.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 19:53

TA, its a nice job but you're not missing brain surgery

Having been both a doctor and a teacher, it is miles easier to book a specific day off as a brain surgeon.

You appear to know nothing about how days off work in the uk education system. Saying it is better in other countries is totally irrelevant to this situation. It is entirely plausible that the op's SIL can't get time off.

nousernames · 08/07/2016 19:54

I'm a teacher not a TA and it completely depends on the school. It is very hard to get time off at our school- I wouldn't ask for a wedding because I know we wouldn't be allowed.

DampSqid · 08/07/2016 20:00

There is a weird perceptron that the UK has poor holiday entitlement. It doesn't ...

Headofthehive55 · 08/07/2016 20:01

and if your employer says no? You can't just walk out!

I've had day off requests declined both in education and Nhs.

I think you knew she couldn't get time off but hoped that she would be able to magic it from somewhere and now are faced with the consequences.

Spottytop1 · 08/07/2016 20:16

In education it is expected that you are there for every day of the term unless it is an emergency, unavoidable ( illness/medical/ close family death ) or due to parental needs.
Holidays/ family weddings are not classed as acceptable reasons for leave.

ISpeakJive · 08/07/2016 20:35

OP, I'm on your side here. SIL has ten months notice. I get that it can be difficult for teachers and TA's to get time off but come on, I don't believe for one second that if you're giving 10 months notice to the Head that they will turn around and say no bloody way. Even to take it as unpaid so they can get a supply in!

OP, i am so certain that if her husband goes, she will miraculously find a way to go too.

I hope you have a fab wedding!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/07/2016 20:38

It is that easy.

Not it isn't

You book the day off.

That's not how the education system works.

This is another only UK thing, that makes no sense and doesn't happen in other, more sensible countries.

Actually yes it does.

I suggest you find out about what you're talking about before you make snide remarks as it tends to backfire!

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 20:38

I don't believe for one second that if you're giving 10 months notice to the Head that they will turn around and say no bloody way.

Are you a teacher? Work in education?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/07/2016 20:39

I don't believe for one second that if you're giving 10 months notice to the Head that they will turn around and say no bloody way

Then you are wrong. Especially if it is around SATS.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 08/07/2016 20:41

Given she could easily attend the reception, has not answered a single message in 2 months, her DH said she would be able to get the time off as she has done recently and she is saying her DH and her children cannot go, I think she is being deliberately awkward and that it's pretty obvious. I don't know what part of that most posters are not getting.

She could have responded to a message saying "sorry, as I said before, I really really cannot get the time off but I'll be there after with DCs"

She hasn't and this would have been a good solution to the problem. It's quite clear that she really doesn't want to go and isn't interested. She went to a sodding friends naming ceremony midweek ffs. Clearly she is able to take time off. And if she can't, then she could have had the decency to respond to a message from her brother, sometime over the last 2 months.