SIL & Our Wedding

[Elleblue78]

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

She is full of bull if she's telling you she can't have time off for being ill! Thats not actually debateable, you either are or you aren't ill.

Is she one of these who thinks shes just so important to work that the place would fall apart if she took the day off? Tiresome people.

Why should the OP move the wedding for one person?

And the SIL cannot dictate to her husband that he can't go.

County council guidelines allow 1 days paid leave for school staff for the wedding of a close relative, and unpaid leave if its a wedding in general. This is the case for Lancashire and Bradford (I have experience of this) so I'm sure there are many other areas that allow it too.

OP on this thread I feel that you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. My upcoming wedding is on a Friday, I'm a teacher, as is my brother, SIL and 2 other guests, plus 5 children attending, none of us have had any issue with the day off school as 6 months notice was given. It is your wedding not your SILs, so enjoy your day with or without her. It sounds like she is digging in her heels and not wanting to back down to get her own way? Or maybe she will struggle with half a days leave, but she would be unreasonable to not come to the meal and evening event afterwards.

To be honest - you have had a lot of people explaining what the situation might be for her. We don't know the in's and out's of her school - they are all different but lots of us have said we know this would be a automatic No. My head actually refused a wedding request for the Mother of the Bride.

You are obviously set on saving yourself the cash, upsetting family and didn't really want any opinions other than you are in the right.

I can sympathise with a stroppy SIL - mine was a complete cow over my wedding, nearly ruined the cake, refused to be a bridesmaid 6 weeks before the event, didn't speak to me at all on the day, but she told you school days didn't work but you booked it anyway.

Do county council guidelines apply for academies?

And this is why weddings on weekdays suck. Because now she has you poking your nose in to her work life with comments like "shes had time off for less important things". None of your business what she does with her (potentially hard won) time off. Does she dictate to you what to do with your A/L?

No, this is why people who whine about weekday weddings suck. Telling your own brother you can't take a half day for his wedding, if you have taken days off for other things, makes you a dick.
And other peoples weddings are not designed to suit you.
Selfish brats.

Do county council guidelines apply for academies?

No they don't.

Booking your wedding on a day she has said many times that she cant make when there are 6 whole fridays over August that you could have picked make you a dick, user3545743216543212454132487465316353765413546874631368413645341324

I'm a TA and tbh I'd be miffed if my brother organised his wedding in term time. We have a nice head who would probably agree but frankly I would rather save her goodwill for something really urgent. I'd be upset about missing it but I would never stop my family from going. Don't forget Op that most schools would not authorise the absence of children in these circumstances either.

Yes I do work in education. I happen to chair a heads' forum as it goes. I do not know of one who would not grant half day's unpaid leave to a TA for a brother's wedding when requested in writing a year in advance. Not one.
This woman sounds like a life sapper. Some people in education really need to get a grip on their own misplaced sense of importance.

I suspect all the August fridays were booked by people who wanted to ensure families with school children could come. OP, you must have known it would go like this, plus you don't know the culture of her school or the attitude of her head. You can't really be demanding that she try harder - like others have said, I cant imagine she gets involved with how you spend your time off.

Was there no chance of a weekday wedding in the 13 weeks your SIL doesn't work????

You have said several times that your sil wont even ask for the time off. I have worked in schools where I wouldn't ask either because the answer would be a flat no and a withering look. TA's are invaluable at all times but the last day of term in the summer is slightly manic ,happy day when every adult is needed. There is no way ,even if you had been given permission, that you could walk out of the classroom several hours early with out feeling guilty.

Sorry, but I think YABU. You could easily have booked for a weekday during half term next May when everyone would be able to attend but you chose not to. I certainly wouldn't take my kids out of school for a day for any wedding.

Was there no chance of a weekday wedding in the 13 weeks your SIL doesn't work????

I've been wondering this myself. Quite honestly, this is one of those threads where I would love to hear the other side of the story.

I just wanted to say it's your wedding. The wedding is one day it's the bit after that matters. But people suggesting you change the date or venue is crazy. It's about the two of you. Not guests.

gruffalo if my husband told me I could only go for an hour or not at all, to a friends wedding, and that I had to step down from being a bridesmaid......... Wow just wow!

She'd already told you she couldn't have the time off. You are not allowed to remove children from school for a wedding where I live and it would be a bit hypocritical if they let the staff have time off for one.

OP, why aren't you answering questions about why you couldn't arrange your wedding during the school holidays?

I don't think the fact that she may have taken time off before is relevant. The simple fact is that she knows her headteacher and her job better than you do. It may well be that her head has told her she's not getting any more time off as she's had too much already, or has decided to tighten up across the board. You say you're cross that she won't even try; but if she knows that the answer will be no and that the fact she has even asked will be chalked up against her, why should she?

I got married on a Friday at 3pm, we had 9 teachers invited all of which missed the ceremony because of school which we knew about. All though made it in plenty of time for the wedding breakfast at 5.30pm. Why do I get the sneaky suspicion that she's deliberately being difficult, and if you did change it to accommodate her which I don't think you should, she would find another excuse not to come!!

OP, my brother is getting married on a Friday in September. DH and I are both teachers. DS will be 3 weeks into 'big school'. I can't go to the wedding. I'm really sad about it. My brother is shocked.

Family members think I should go and putting lots of pressure on me. But no there's no handy day off option for lots of us who work in education.

If someone important to you works in a school, then you can't have a weekday wedding (if you do, they probably can't go!).

Plus you stated she CONSTANTLY tells you she can't take time off. Maybe she didn't reply because she's already CONSTANTLY told you. Have it in school holidays.

You said she has had term time off to go to a medical appt with her child.

My boss at school thinks that is more important than a wedding, I would be allowed time off for a childs medical appt but here there is a strict policy about no time of for weddings, no matter how close the family member is.

We also have a HT who sends round an email telling staff not to even think about asking to go early on the last day as they have the following 6 weeks with which they can do whatever they choose. You are BU for saying she is being deliberately awkward about that bit.

Saying all of that, I think she is BU saying no one else can go (although her children's school might not think its a good enough excuse for missed time either) her husband of course can go and she should pick the kids up and join you all later, not sulk about it.