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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
user1467101855 · 09/07/2016 16:28

Obtuse. You do understand what a hypothetical is?

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 16:41

No it wasn't hypothetical, it was September last year.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/07/2016 17:11

weirdsister
OP why did you post in AIBU?

I would like to know this as well.

I know for a fact that my head wouldn't let me book term time off for a wedding.

It doesn't matter when in the year. They have, however let me take time off for funerals, medical procedures (not dentists or medical appointments).

A member of my family brings up the fact that I didn't attend their midweek term time wedding every time that I saw them, What shut them up was when I said to them that if my attendance was so important they would have had it when I could attend so they should shut the fuck up about it.

courtwood · 09/07/2016 18:21

i have been following this thread right from the start and am just wondering OP, if your sil2b had gotten back to you in the two months saying "asked HT about time off for your wedding and I got a big fat no" would you still have gone ahead with the arrangements as they stand or would you have delayed for an hour or two to facilitate her and her family?
FWIW SIL ibu to not even ask

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 09/07/2016 20:53

Wow......just wow Shock

Op, I think your SIL should have replied to you. She could have lied about asking if she didn't actually want to ask. She could have came back to you to see if you would possibly change the date/time so that her and her DC could attend. There's lots of different ways this situation could have gone with better communication.

I'm reading between the lines a bit and I think you're pissed off by SILs lack of communication and I find it reasonable that you've went ahead and booked anyway.

If your DP is ok with his sister being missing from the ceremony then stop being pissed off with her and carry on planning your big day.
I'm probably gonna get roasted for this but I think that ONE family member missing is sad but not the end of the world in my point of view.

Iggi999 · 09/07/2016 20:56

Boneyback your HT has no right to refuse time off for a medical appointment. How is that even supposed to work? "I've got an appointment with the consultant x" "no you must demand they give you an appointment at 4.30 or wait till the summer and watch your condition worsen".
Do you work for Miss Trunchbull?

Madmumness001 · 09/07/2016 21:15

Why not keep the weekday say European money etc. But book it on a day during half term?

lucylockett27 · 09/07/2016 21:24

Often heads say events like this need to be unpaid leave, but i think were there is will there is usually a way.

grannytomine · 09/07/2016 22:21

HeadoftheHive, is your daughter over 18? If not you have a legal right to take parental leave to care for her, or to look at a new school, settle them into childcare or even because you feel you need to spend some time with them. You can take upto 18 weeks from birth to 18.

You have rights and your employer should know this.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/07/2016 22:37

Can you give me a link about that please, Granny?

grannytomine · 09/07/2016 22:42

Prawn hope this helps www.gov.uk/parental-leave/overview

There is also emergency leave for any dependant but it is expected to be short term to give you time to arrange for care so maybe your child wakes up sick then you might take a couple of hours off to sort out someone to look after them rather than saying you are taking a week off because they need a week off school. The time limit isn't specified but that's the expectation.

grannytomine · 09/07/2016 22:45

The drawback with parental leave is you need to book it in advance, emergency leave you don't but can't take as long. So parental leave would help with preplanned surgery but not a sudden bout of measles for example.

Although I have to say I have never worked in an organisation that would enforce the 21 days notice if a parent needed the leave.

Helloitsme88 · 09/07/2016 22:46

I am a TA. I struggled getting time off for my grans funeral. She warned you before you booked. YABU. She is BU by not answering messages or calls

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/07/2016 22:50

The drawback with parental leave is you need to book it in advance

And the exact dates can be refused as long as it us given within 6 months of the request.

grannytomine · 09/07/2016 22:58

Helloitsme, it seems pretty harsh if you had to struggle to get time off for your grandmother's funeral. You do have a right to leave for the funeral of a dependant which might include a grandparent, for example if you helped with her care in anyway even if that was just that you were the person who would arrange help for her in an emergency. A dependant can even by a neighbour who is disabled or elderly who you help out occasionally.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 23:42

My guess is the reason SIL isn't responding is the same reaction people are having on here .....she realises the OP doesn't want to hear anything except what she wants to hear.

Fiona80 · 10/07/2016 06:50

I'm stunned by the amount of teachers n TAs saying can't take or won't ask for time off, it's never been an issue at any school I have worked at. Many teachers took time off for weddings, at secondary level there is always a few teachers free every lesson of the day and would cover for each other, it's only when a lot of staff are off that supply teachers were called in.

The SIL is being awkward for not even asking despite being given plenty of time, she could have even lied that she had asked, but she is being spiteful, even her own parents have admitted she is being awkward. So those of us anyone a weekend should have been chosen, she probably would have found another excuse.

Anyway my husband works evenings and at weekends, as do a lot of people, I don't think 9-5 is the norm.

I would like to hear what the best man has to say about all this, surely it's been discussed with him n he would have mentioned ur SIL

0hCrepe · 10/07/2016 07:09

It's not impossible but it varies from school to school. Tbh all schools I've worked in I'm sure would have been allowed unpaid leave or been able to make the time up. One of my TAs had 6 days off arranged in advance to visit family abroad. There is the occasional head who's ridiculously strict though but on the last day of term that would be mean! Couldn't they just join you straight after anyway? She sounds a bit precious to me.

Headofthehive55 · 10/07/2016 07:31

I had already taken my full allowance of parental leave and carers leave previously.

My point is that it's not always the importance of the event that determines ability to get time off, but the amount of flexibility in the organisation at that requested time. Who else is off etc.

TTwidow · 10/07/2016 07:41

In my school if you could sort out cover then no problem, if you couldn't then you'd have to ask very nicely but for a family wedding I'd think they'd say yes.
I'd take my kids out of school for a wedding if it was close family. Not if it was a casual friend.

snapcrap · 10/07/2016 08:17

I enjoy weddings and have no problems with any kind of wedding/dress code/venue/kids/no kids.

With one exception. Midweek weddings. Midweek weddings are so selfish. Literally passing on the costs to your guests. That is rude, downright rude.

OP YABU, as tens of posters have told you who work in schools it is NOT possible to take days off at most schools for anything other than (perhaps) funerals or medical appointments.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/07/2016 09:28

Iggi999

I should have been specific, I can get time off for consultants appointments, they are not really the same as a standard gp's appointment.

It is expected that standard doctor or dentist appointments be outside of school hours.

Iggi999 · 10/07/2016 10:30

Yes agree absolutely with that. Though have had time for an emergency GP appointment, better that than being off work.

Iggi999 · 10/07/2016 10:31

It's the dc's appointments that are the worst actually. I never used to be off work pre DC.

boo2410 · 10/07/2016 10:36

OP can you put the wedding meal back to give SIL and kids a chance to get read and get to the after wedding reception? Perhaps the venue could serve drinks and canapes during this time and guests can mingle and chill before the meal. This way it's a compromise and would cost far less money than moving the actual wedding date.