Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 10:11

Oh I'm sure this won't be the last Bridezilla incident

Once the GPs realise the GC won't be there they may not be so "fine with it" but then if the groom is in his fifties odds are so is his bride and perhaps they are just happy the OP is getting married (although tbh this sounds far more like the drama created by a very young bride not a middle aged woman)

Lweji · 09/07/2016 10:12

OP,

the family is mature!
I hope you're right. I do wonder, though, based on the thread.

Of course nobody said they couldn't go. It's a year away.

I have had to change plans for many last minute things at work.
That included an uncle's funeral.

Have you said why the actual ceremony can't be a little later in the day so that she has no problems attending?
You seem so keen to address all points, but left this one out.

JudyCoolibar · 09/07/2016 10:16

I am not digging my heals in - she was offered plenty of chances to let us know in the 2 MONTHS prior to us booing - no hassling was done - she chose to ignore us

But you chose to ignore the fact that you had 12-13 weeks of school holiday when you knew she would be free and decided not to book your wedding during that period. For all you say you've explained why, you really haven't. The closest you've come to it is to say there was a particular month when you wanted the wedding to take place - you may well have had a good reason for that, but if so, you haven't mentioned it.

2nds · 09/07/2016 10:17

Not sure if someone has suggested this buy can they not skip the actual wedding part and come to the reception after school?

ThatWhiteElephant · 09/07/2016 10:26

My TA friend had an afternoon off a few weeks ago for her friends wedding!

HidingUnderARock · 09/07/2016 10:49

I wonder what the op would have done if most MNers here had agreed with her, since clearly that is the only answer she would accept.

I am betting she would have touted it around friends and family to further demonize stbSIL and prop up her own position to everyone else and herself.

This was never about finding out if SWBU but a punt at getting ammo with no downside.

Lulu1083 · 09/07/2016 10:58

2nds - the SIL is refusing, and also saying her DH and DC won't go either. That makes her pretty unreasonable in my book

CarriMarie · 09/07/2016 11:01

If OPs wedding is 10 months away, it will not be last day of summer term as that is over 12 months away, sounds like will be day before May half term, nowhere near the same amount of year end activity. Those who have said May will clash with SATS, they are always first week of May, never go up to day before half term. I used to work in a school and although pupils would not usually be granted whole days off for weddings, leaving about 2.00 after afternoon registration was usually fine, and that went for teachers and TAs too.

TutanKaDashian · 09/07/2016 11:07

Weekday weddings are so annoying. I've got to use two days of annual leave in August to attend one where the only person I will know is DP and he is the best man so we won't even be sitting together Angry

FoggyBottom · 09/07/2016 11:07

I feel sorry for my Fiance more than anything as he obviously wants his family to attend

But you both want to have your cake and eat it: you want your family there, but you've booked a day when they can't be there, because you "fell in love" with a venue.

Says something about your family values really, doesn't it?

MidniteScribbler · 09/07/2016 11:09

What's that smell?

Smells like glue.

Shortandsweet20 · 09/07/2016 11:17

My head would have no to problem, if it it the last day of term in May it is highly unlikely they will be doing Sats on the Friday (if she is in primary?). So taking the afternoon off probably wouldn't be a problem!

I adore my brother but if decided to get married and I couldn't get the day off I would of course be upset but I would go to the meal afterwards! She is being difficult by saying she isn't going to any of it, IMO!

BasinHaircut · 09/07/2016 11:20

It really does boil down to this for me OP:

You discussed the possibility of a week day wedding with SIL and she told you point blank she couldn't attend if you chose that.

You chose to view a venue that you could only afford to hire on a weekday (surely you knew the rough cost in advance or why bother viewing it?) and decided you wanted to get married there.

You booked it without knowing hat there was even a possibility that SIL could attend and have chosen to blame her for the fact that she can't.

SIL hasn't covered herself in glory by ignoring you for 2 months (although I don't believe this, if you loved it that much you wouldn't have risked losing out by leaving it so long) but it wasn't her responsibility to make sure was it? The onus was on you!

If I was your SIL id take this as a snub

witsender · 09/07/2016 11:28

If it was that important to him that she was there, you wouldn't have booked a weekday wedding. When I was a TA I had to ask special permission and beg and plead for my own weekday (Friday) wedding...it never would have been granted for someone else's.

CarriMarie · 09/07/2016 11:40

Even if it was not possible to leave before end of school day, they could drive straight to reception and get changed there with minimum fuss, as it's a late wedding they probably won't have missed much of the reception. That would be the obvious solution but SiL seems to want to make a big deal about her not being there for the whole thing instead of doing everything possible to help the bride and groom's big day go smoothly.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 09/07/2016 11:41

Your fiancé's sister works in a school and has 3 children who go to school. You know this. You also know on some level, that it is difficult to get time off and that schools often refuse to authorise requests for time off for children and staff.

Despite this, you arrange your wedding on the last day of term.

You have ignored her needs, declined to discuss possible options with her and thereby made her feel unwelcome / unimportant. She has responded by ignoring you and refusing to attempt to find a solution.

Yes you have given her time to respond but if she says she can't make, you have no other options for her so there is no point in her attempting to discuss it with you. She could either talk to you and the outcome would be the same with emotional energy expended on both sides or she could decide not to talk to you, same outcome, both parties sitting on their own thinking the otter is a selfish stubborn person.

DerelictMyBalls · 09/07/2016 11:47

It does seem strange that you have organised your wedding for a day when people who work in/attend school will not be able to go (and most other people will need to use precious holiday for) and are now surprised that people won't be able to come.

I would just not go if I were the SIL. My sister had her wedding on a day when she knew we would not be able to go, so we didn't go and everyone just got over

DerelictMyBalls · 09/07/2016 11:48

...it!

Paniniswapx3 · 09/07/2016 11:56

Op, you don't sound like you've taken on board at all those responses from posters who work in education / are TAs. Do you really want your wedding to cause angst in the family? As a pp said, in the future, the venue will be long forgotten but feelings (& hurt) run deep so likely there will be long term negative consequences to this. Good luck as it's not a great omen.

isittimeforcoffee · 09/07/2016 11:58

I'm a teaching assistant. In the school I work in now, I have a lovely head who would grant me the day off, unpaid for a close relatives wedding as it is beyond my control as to the date they booked the wedding.

In my previous school, I wouldn't have even asked, because it would have been a straight off 'no', especially the last day of term, and even the fact I had asked wouldn't go down too well with him.

Your sister in law is not being unreasonble.

MrsS1980 · 09/07/2016 11:58

BTW, if she takes the last day of term off as illness then that period will count until she returns to work. I.E. She could end up with a 6 week illness on her record.

paxillin · 09/07/2016 12:02

Picking a nice venue over the groom's sister is bridezilla of the highest order. Your guests will be aware of it.

ARumWithAView · 09/07/2016 12:12

she was offered plenty of chances to let us know in the 2 MONTHS prior to us booking

Let you know what? What were you asking?

It doesn't seem like you'd change the date if she'd answered and said no, she couldn't make it. You've told us you're not paying £5k more so one person can make it, it's your dream venue, etc.

You already knew that was a work day for her, so you weren't double-checking her schedule.

All you were really doing, in asking, was that irritating thing where you know you're causing inconvenience, but persist in asking the other person if it's okay -- not because you give a shit, but so they're put in the position where politeness requires them to assure you that the inconvenience is fine, or non-existent. It's annoying and insincere, and I'm not really surprised your SIL didn't reply, especially if you don't get on particularly well.

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 12:19

Yes I can get time if surprisingly for sone things...but not others. And it doesn't always coincide with the importance of the event. I struggled to get time off for my own daughters surgery for example. But sports day was fine for example. It depended on other factors you see. My DH was on tenterhooks when it was our neices wedding. He nearly had to work. My mil couldn't understand the fuss as he'd had time off to go to the cricket earlier in the year. So in her mind he could take time off whenever.

Like you sil said sometimes you can, sometimes you can't. I'm sure she is happy for you but those of us that have to deal with restrictions on our days off become very blasé about it and really just have to accept it otherwise it would eat you up and you would become very discontent.

happypoobum · 09/07/2016 12:20

I also think it is bizarre to have chosen a date which you knew would be hugely problematic to SIL and the children, when her husband had been asked to be best man.

It's almost like you were trying to pick a fight........