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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/07/2016 14:31

Lweji so do you really think he had no say in this? It is his wedding as much as the brides.

That is NOT what I said at all.

The OP asked here, not him.
She called her SIL a dick. Not him.
We respond to the person starting the thread and, personally, I think both groom and bride are mostly in the wrong.

MissBattleaxe · 09/07/2016 14:33

Don't be so ridiculous. So you get a bad smear test result, or you are passing blood and the hospital appointment is for 10 am and the Head will say no you can't go? I would love to see the Tribunal result on that one when you go ahead and attend and get dismissed. At least you would have a nice sum of money to cushion you during your illness.

I'm not being ridiculous. My post was in response to someone who was saying that if a TA can be spared for illness, they can be spared for a wedding. It's different. I am sure if it was a serious health appt, a HT would use discretion. For a brother's wedding that could be held any other day than the last day of term, then probably not so flexible.

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 14:36

it wasn't more important than work though. And she had her dad too. I work not according to my contract - with the consent of my boss, but sometimes you can only ask for so much. The alternative was for me to leave my job. Why would that help? For a procedure that was elective, that could be done at a time that was mutually convenient that required no urgency.

My manager could insist that I work according to my contract which I cannot fulfill so I needed to keep on her good side!

Cornberry · 09/07/2016 14:42

I haven't read the above replies but I am a TA in a school and I'm afraid to tell you that not only can you not have time off during term time, but it would be very badly received if one were to ask. It's not really done. Members os staff at my school have been refused leave to go to funerals. As for asking for unpaid leave, my OH - also works in school - did that once and they said no. Working in a school means working term time. It's shit but that's how it is. Your sister in law sounds like she's being petty about it but she's probably just upset to miss the big day. To be honest if I was her I'd just call in sick if it was that important.

choli · 09/07/2016 14:49

I have zero sympathy with those who choose to have a weekday wedding to suit their own pocket and then whinge about people being unable to attend.

user1467101855 · 09/07/2016 14:52

Why would that help? For a procedure that was elective, that could be done at a time that was mutually convenient that required no urgency

You didn't say that originally, you said surgery. Which to most people implies that you can't schedule it as you please Hmm
You're being obtuse. IF it had clashed with work, and it couldn't be changed, would you have gone to work anyway?

weirdsister · 09/07/2016 15:07

OP why did you post in AIBU?
Posters working for Heads who would frown on a request for time off have explained why your SIL would avoid this situation.
Not only do you not want to listen to any POV that doesn't agree with your own, but you have now stated that anyone who disagrees with you is stupid. Hmm

footballwidow12 · 09/07/2016 15:07

Hi - I'm a teacher and I have 3 TAs. One of them is going on holiday for 2 weeks in term time in October for her wedding anniversary. Another lady I work with has just had 2 weeks off to attend her step daughters wedding abroad. You ARE allowed time off during term time, normally a day can be approved by the head but if not you just have to write to the governors and ask for their permissions.

I hate to say this but I think you SIL is being a bit of a brat!!

weirdsister · 09/07/2016 15:12

Footballwidow it depends on the school.

footballwidow12 · 09/07/2016 15:18

I'm sure it does.....but as the lady clearly states her SIL has had time off IN TERM TIME for other occasions.

As I said.....her SIL is clearly being a brat and doesn't want to take the day off!!

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 15:32

No I am not being obtuse. Yes I would have had to go to work if they wouldn't give me time off. But then, she had her dad to take her in if need be. But it's not surgery. It's somebody else's wedding.

A wedding is not that important on the scale of things. Particularly somebody else's wedding. It will go ahead whether the sil witnesses it or not.

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 15:33

Yes and sometimes it's possible and sometimes it's not!

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 15:34

Not wanting to take the day off doesn't make someone a brat!

We wouldn't take time off for an overseas wedding. It wasn't that important to us. Deal.

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 15:35

Oh it was surgery, but yes you can schedule surgery to an extent.

Lweji · 09/07/2016 15:36

Why are people going on about having had days off term time?
Not all days are equal and sometimes we can and sometimes we can't. In most jobs, not just in teaching.

footballwidow12 · 09/07/2016 15:43

I'm sorry but refusing to ask for the day off for your brothers wedding (in my humble opinion) makes someone a brat! Why would you not even ask??......it's not like he is some distant relative or friend, it's her brother!

I think she is taking her bat and ball home because you haven't asked her to be a bridesmaid. Sod her! Plan your day, however you want it! Leave her to it!!

MaddyHatter · 09/07/2016 15:50

i think Its a bit of both.

I think your DP should have made more effort to get an answer out of his sister, its not that hard ffs.

Your SIL should have asked for the time off, at least then she could say NO for definite.

She is being incredibly unreasonable to block her children and her DH from attending just because she's being shitty about it.

Lweji · 09/07/2016 15:52

Can we assume that any head would be happy to give a day off 10 months in advance?
Will they know if there will be people sick that day? Or with other reasons for not going?
Even if they said yes, things could easily change last minute. As it can for other guests.
Which is why it's a bad idea to book weddings during the week and during work hours.

If you (and your oh) are really keen on having her there, just have a later wedding time in the day. After school.
I'm sure it's as easy as asking her to leave a couple of hours earlier.

You said she only had to leave one hour earlier. So, why didn't you book it one hour later?
It is dickish and bratish behaviour to cause all this fuss for the sake of one hour when you do have the whole day to play with.

user1467101855 · 09/07/2016 15:53

Yes I would have had to go to work if they wouldn't give me time off. But then, she had her dad to take her in if need be

Really? Your child having, lets say, major surgery, and you would go to work? What if her dad was abroad, or you were a single parent? Still go to work?

You're full of it.

user1467101855 · 09/07/2016 15:53

Which is why it's a bad idea to book weddings during the week and during work hours

Lots of us have our working hours AT the weekend. Don't be so 9-5 narrowminded.

Lweji · 09/07/2016 15:55

Nit picking, are we? :)

Most people do work Mon-Fri.

The OP could still have her wedding one small hour later. And all this would be avoided.

user1467101855 · 09/07/2016 15:58

Not nit picking. I work weekends, so does my DH, my DB, my SILx3, my BIL, my nephew, my cousin and half of my friends.

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 16:09

But it wasn't major surgery. And her dad wasn't working abroad.

I had to take my leave for when she was recovering. And her dad was abroad!

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 16:11

The principles the same whether it's mon - Friday or weekends. Sometimes you can have time off, sometimes you can't.

Lweji · 09/07/2016 16:12

Only my brother and SIL work weekends and it's shifts, so more easily changeable, among people I know.

Still, one hour that day...

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