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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/07/2016 09:16

Going back to your original question, I think all of you are being dicks.

It's already been explained to you it's not a good day to take off. It's not just the good byes and drinks after work. It's finishing off things, tidying up, sorting last minute things, dealing with parents. Last days are easy on children not so much on teachers.

You are dicks for booking a week DAY, not even an evening thing. Why at 3 and not at 6? It seems you could make everyone's life easier, including hers, but chose not to.

Most people can have trouble with it as it is, often last minute, and it's not likely that any head or employer will be able to allow it 10 months in advance. It's going go be in 2017, FGS. Who knows what will happen till then. You may even break up, knock in wood.

She is a dick for not getting back to you and making all this clear to you, when you asked. Unless she did and you kept insisting she pushed for the time off.

There is clearly a back story to this, with her brother and/or you, and you going ahead with the weekday booking may have been a last drop.

Why IS her husband in the wedding party and she isn't?

Regardless of the wedding, it looks like you should all sit down and air your grievances and sort it all out. I can see some difficult times ahead to your extended family.

DampSqid · 09/07/2016 09:21

OP

She has said lots she can't get time off but then has easily had time off so hence why I'm shocked she won't ask.

You have changed the story from the OP. If you had said she has easily had time off in your OP the replies would t have been quite so harsh.

MissBattleaxe · 09/07/2016 09:23

I think many of your inlaws will have the hump with you for a very long time.You don't seem to care if her kids can make it either. SIL won't be the only guest declining a weekday 3pm wedding. You have put her in an impossible position and still seem to be blaming her for not being able to come.Yet you are digging your heels in. Good luck.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 09/07/2016 09:34

Not ONE Other person has said they cant come and have said they cant wait & are gladly taking time off for the wedding.

I am not digging my heals in - she was offered plenty of chances to let us know in the 2 MONTHS prior to us booing - no hassling was done - she chose to ignore us.

Anyway - thanks again (I think lol) for your comments.

Off to plan my pain I the arse selfish wedding! Toodle Pip!

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 09/07/2016 09:35

I can't take term time off. At all.

My Uncle (who I was also my Godfather; we were incredibly close) passed away last June, three weeks later his funeral date was set and I wasn't able to go as we had the school induction day on that date, and I had to be there to meet the new ones starting that September. It wasn't something I could simply "take time off" for as though I work in an office and nobody would mind an empty desk for a day. I finished at 3pm and made it to the wake at 4pm; his wife was just thrilled I could be there at all but fully understood that my job means I can't be flexible during term time. Ordinarily I'd have been able to have the day for the funeral but certain school events outweigh that and an induction day (which happens on the exact same date County-wide so can't be altered to suit) overrules everything; funerals, weddings, sick children, everything, and when you commit to a contract with a school you're made very aware of it.

Schools all operate differently; at mine I would only consider asking for a day off under spectacularly bad circumstances and, frankly, a wedding just wouldn't cut it.

You're being quite provocative with her; you knew she wouldn't be able to make it, booked it anyway then got your backside in your hands because she couldn't/wouldn't take the time off. Most people who work in education on here have backed her up; taking time off isn't as simple as you'd like to imagine. And still you want to paint her as the bad guy. Your wedding should be a joy to plan. I can't imagine this feels particularly lovely; let it go and get on enjoying the rest of the planning. You chose the venue you adored knowing it would create problems. That's the price you've paid. Move past it and leave her be.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 09/07/2016 09:40

To the people that say I haven't answered your questions;

*Venue is 25 mins from her house
*Her parents are on our 'side' so to speak and think she is being stubborn as she has been given time off in the past for other events
*They fully back us in booking the day of OUR dreams to suit OUR taste and needs, not to suit our guests - you know they are HAPPY for us and support us.
*Even if she left school/work (NOT IN SAT TIME FYI) 1hr before the ceremony she would still be there in time.
*She is not one of my bridesmaids as I am choosing just my stepdaughter (7) whose school has allowed them the time off.
*She is in her 50s so doesn't want to be a bridesmaid she said - I respect that & I would expect anybody to respect my decision to NOT ask them and ask who I want.
*Her husband is BM as he has known my Fiance for years before he got together with his sister. She was happy for him to be BM.

No future family arguments/resentment will be caused by this - the family is mature!

OP posts:
DeathStare · 09/07/2016 09:42

OP: AIBU?
Most replies: Yes you are!
OP: No I'm not. You're being bitchy. I'm going to do it anyway and now I'm leaving.

Can't wait for the posts in years to come about how bad the relationship with the ILs is and how it's all their fault.

NicknameUsed · 09/07/2016 09:42

"She has said lots she can't get time off but then has easily had time off so hence why I'm shocked she won't ask."

I expect the school has tightened up its leave restrictions since then. Goalposts are being moved all the time these days.

Why didn't you book a weekday during school holidays instead?

PurpleDaisies · 09/07/2016 09:43

This is one of those threads...

OP: AIBU?
Most posters: Yes
OP: No I'm not and you're all too stupid to read my posts properly...

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 09/07/2016 09:43

And just to add - as you all keep saying - I didn't KNOW that she couldn't take time off - she has mentioned she cant for things but then laughs and says well yeah some things I can some I cant - I was merely adding info to the original post rather than write out an essay.

So the fact that you all think I am shocked that she now cant is poss true as she has said in the past that she can have time off so we (DF & I) were under the impression that she would at least ask - like my friend has who works in same school network and does same job and been granted time off.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/07/2016 09:44

Cross posted with you deathstare..,great minds and all that!

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 09/07/2016 09:45

PURPLEDAISIES yes you are all too stupid too read and understand them properly - IMO!

OP posts:
ClaireVoyante · 09/07/2016 09:45

I am so glad my kids have grown up. Is it actually the case now that all teachers have a TA? And the TA is so vital a teacher couldn't cope without one?

Anyway OP IMO YANBU. I hope she changes her mind because if it is apparent to others that she has had time off work in the past but doesn't attend her brothers wedding, it won't look good.

I am sure you will all have a lovely day Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 09/07/2016 09:45

Off you pop then...

We'll all miss you. Hmm

DeathStare · 09/07/2016 09:47

First post :

we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules.

Latest post:
I didn't KNOW that she couldn't take time off - she has mentioned she cant for things but then laughs and says well yeah some things I can some I can

Bit of a change of tune there OP

DeathStare · 09/07/2016 09:49

PurpleDaisies great minds to us, stupid ones to the OP Grin

EdmundCleverClogs · 09/07/2016 09:51

The whole point point of a wedding is to suit guest though, for the most part. Otherwise what's the point of wanting other people there? It still boils down to she specifically said she wouldn't be able to come on a school day. The whole asking her for two months is irrelevant - I wouldn't answer you either, I'd just think you were really rude ignoring what I had told you in the first place about getting time off.

This wedding is a big deal to you, obviously, but not to anyone else. Of course, who attends will be happy to celebrate with you, but the world doesn't stop because your getting hitched. No one should be put in an awkward position at work, even just asking a boss when you know the answer is 'no' can be a black mark. So you shouldn't have asked, if you REALLY wanted her there, you wouldn't have booked a school day. I don't understand why you're complaining when it's your choice that has caused the situation.

Iggii · 09/07/2016 09:53

No one has a "right" to be a bridesmaid, least of all someone from the groom's side, that was very cheeky of her.
Can't tell how a request for time off would be received (brothers wedding a biggie though I suspect it would be approved without pay) but it was rude to not tell you this at the save the date stage.
There is also no reason why brother is now banned from attending.
There will be trouble ahead, OP, with this one.

OliviaStabler · 09/07/2016 09:53

yes you are all too stupid too read and understand them properly - IMO!

Charming!

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 09/07/2016 09:53

God how do MN let you lot get away with being so vile towards other posters?

Anyway read my posts again and try & understand my point.

ClaireVoyante - thanks - for understanding - she has contradicted herself massively - her parents are saying she is being unreasonable & yes think she is cutting off her nose to spite her face buy not going.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 09/07/2016 09:57

Hmm The only person contradicting here is yourself. No one is being 'vile', just pointing out that working in education (especially at certain points of the year) means no time off. At all. You don't have the right to decided she's making that up just to avoid your precious wedding. We are perfectly competent at reading your posts, thank you.

Zarah123 · 09/07/2016 09:58

PurpleDaisies

OP just agreed with you. No need to get snarky.

And well done for trotting out the old 'AIBU?', 'Yes', 'No, I'm not' cliche.

Zarah123 · 09/07/2016 10:00

OP, I would hide the thread now tbh.

You're not getting a fair hearing here.

MarchelineWhatNot · 09/07/2016 10:03

So, not only is it a school day, but the last day of term? Sorry, but you are being very unreasonable.

I have to ask this... did you perhaps do it on purpose so that she couldn't attend? If I were her, I would be wondering just this.

becciandbump · 09/07/2016 10:09

My sister and husband are both teachers and we had to pick a Saturday wedding and Iay the extra as they both said they wouldn't be able to get a fri off. We wanted them there so went for a sat x