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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:

Thomasisintraining · 08/07/2016 23:55

Judy I suspect you are absolutely spot on.

Bestthingever · 09/07/2016 00:17

I think Judy has summed it up perfectly.

SpaceDinosaur · 09/07/2016 00:18

You book a wedding on a term time weekday and you're surprised people who work in education or who are in education can't come?

Week day weddings are a pain in the arse for everyone other than the bride and groom. You are essentially asking for everyone attending to sacrifice a precious day of holiday (or two if it's not a Friday wedding) just for you.

Taking children out of school for a wedding is ridiculous.

If having your fiance's family there was so important then why did you not book for during the school holidays? That would have been some way close to a compromise.

Sorry but your SIL is right. She gets no "bookable holiday days" her holiday is allocated by the school dates. Asking someone to try and go against her school's rules and also get unpaid leave is downright selfish of you too.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 00:22

I've not seen so much stupidity in one thread.

Plenty of people working in education have explained that as its the last day of term not only will she be refused leave as its a really full on day at any school and that the amount of notice isn't an issue.

Then we have a ridiculous amount of knobs who don't work in education but are convinced this can't possibly be true.

springwaters · 09/07/2016 00:48

The LA will have Clear policy about when paid/unpaid leave is allowed.

if that does not include the wedding of a family member of a fiancé (so not a relative) then they simply cannot have the time off.

MidniteScribbler · 09/07/2016 01:45

My head is pretty good about time off for various things, but I'd be laughed out of her office if I asked about the last day of term. It's the busiest day at a school, and there's always a pretty important staff meeting afterwards to wrap up the term and prepare for the next one.

If the SIL is a TA to a specific child, then the extra upheaval of the last day of term may mean it is even more important that she be present to support that child that day when the routine is disrupted.

The SIL had already told you that she wasn't going to be able to get that day off. It's not your right to cajole her in to trying, trying, trying and bugging her boss when she already knows it is a no. Quite frankly, if I were her, I'd just say that I asked and was told no, just to shut you up, because you sound like a pain in the arse to keep going on about it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/07/2016 03:46

Sil told you she couldn't get the day off. You decide to go ahead with wedding

Yes maybe she had a day off for a child's naming day - maybe she was told it was a one off - maybe she was told never ask for a day off first /last day of school

I know a ta. She is not allowed time off. End of!!!

Some heads /schools are stricter then others

Saying all this sil could then come to wedding breakfast/reception after if she really wanted to

I don't agree with taking children out of schools for weddings

DeathStare · 09/07/2016 05:22

Right from the start you knew that she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (though you try to change your tune in later posts)

You booked this venue and date knowing that chances are she couldn't attend. You either didn't want her there or wanted this drama. The fact that you seem unwilling to even attempt to fix this suggests the former (though you may also be loving the drama too).

You may say that you understand some guests won't be able to attend, but there are guests and then there is close family. She's the groom's sister and the wife of the best man. Booking it on a date when you knew chances are she couldn't attend and then shrugging your shoulders in this way must be very hurtful to her.

I think you need to rethink your priorities. In thirty years you won't give a stuff if the date, time or venue has been changed but you will still be living with the consequences of having created a rift in your family.

Original poster

Elleblue78 · 09/07/2016 07:46

Well thanks for all your bitchy and done helpful replies.

My point clearly being missed. She has said lots she can't get time off but then has easily had time off so hence why I'm shocked she won't ask.

Not changing my 'pain in the arse' wedding date for anyone. If they want to be there they will make the effort xx

OP posts:

RubyRoseViolet · 09/07/2016 07:56

Well it does depend on the school. At my school I could almost certainly get time off (unpaid) if I have enough notice. Not all schools are the same though obviously.

Children having a day off for a wedding? Why not? I just don't agree with this ridiculously rigid attitude to taking the odd day out. I'm a teacher and have never noticed it making any difference whatsoever. Kids who are regularly kept off or taken out for a week or more.

OllyBJolly · 09/07/2016 07:57

Not changing my 'pain in the arse' wedding date for anyone. If they want to be there they will make the effort xx

You sound a charmer. The SIL and BIL may well be bloody relieved you have given them an excuse not to attend.

This! What I remember from my wedding is my family around me, the laughs, the children, the very special people no longer with us. Not the function room, the food we ate or the colour of the cake icing...

RubyRoseViolet · 09/07/2016 07:58

Posted before I finished....the kids who are regularly off or are taken away for a week or more are the ones who end up having problems.

RubyRoseViolet · 09/07/2016 08:02

In fairness to your SIL it may not be as simple as "making the effort". I think if you book a weekday wedding you have to accept that people may not be able to attend. Just like a wedding that is a long distance for many of the guests. If you're fine with that then go ahead, if not it's going to be difficult.

Thomasisintraining · 09/07/2016 08:13

You see OP I don't think that you should change anything about your wedding and I hope and am sure you will have a fantastic day.

However you need to stop thinking that it is your SIL who is just being prickly, she told you the situation many times apparently, you persist in asking whether the situation has changed, she is digging her heels in because she has answered that question many times and you know the answer as she has told you already. So unless she manages to get a brilliant coup at work she cannot attend your wedding. Stop asking until closer to the time, if she turns up great, if not how disappointing but she can come later in the day if it is not far away. But her non attendance is due to the date you and your fiancée chose so own that at the very least.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 08:15

I think we've heard a lot about what the bride thinks but I'm wondering what the groom and his family in particular think of all of this. I'd be pretty unimpressed with a future DIL or SIL who was insisting on a date that she knew excluded a sibling and their children no matter how wonderful the deal or the venue was.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 08:19

I also think the OP may be surprised when she gets her RSVPs in how many people will decline as she has chosen a day that is not only difficult for her SIL but also for anyone else competing for time off with parents going away as soon as school breaks up as well as those who routinely decline non weekend invites as they don't want to "waste" their leave on a wedding.

Bestthingever · 09/07/2016 08:28

Op at the beginning of the thread you asked for the opinions of TAs about the possibility of time off. The overwhelming consensus (from those who work in schools) has been that she won't be able to get the day off. Why do you then keep insisting that she could if she wanted?! That's bloody stupid.

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 08:30

So how many weddings had she had time off for before?

Maybe last time the head said don't ask me again.

I've always been able to have holidays in the school hols. However things have recently changed and now I can't. My sil wouldnt be aware of the changes so would be puzzled if I now start saying I can't take time off in the hols. However that's the new situation.

You know you are being unreasonable but refusing to acknowledge that other people cannot always have the freedom to choose to do things that would affect their work life.

We've had to cancel holidays not go to a show we had tickets for at short notice because of my DHs work.

flowery · 09/07/2016 08:33

Your point isn't being missed, OP. People just disagree with you.

I'm going to repost what Judy said above because I think she's absolutely hit the nail on the head as to why your SIL is not beating down the HTs office door begging for time off on the last day of term..

"I suspect her failure to respond to you is a direct result of irritation at what you've done. If my brother and future SIL were allegedly anxious about my ability to attend their wedding, knew that I would be highly unlikely to get time off during termtime but have at least 12 weeks during the year when I will be free, I would be a tad irritated if they they deliberately book the wedding for termtime. And if future SIL kept nagging me to say whether the date would be OK for me, I might well be thinking "Silly cow, which part of "I can't take time off during termtime can she not understand? If she can't be bothered to listen to me, I'm not sure I can be bothered to reply to her when all I would be doing is repeating what I've told her already"."

cannotlogin · 09/07/2016 08:40

Wow. You're a charmer. . Teachers and TAs get 13 weeks a year off....plenty of weekdays for you there.

silverduck · 09/07/2016 08:42

Clearly she is being a pain and not engaging because you gave her a big fuck you by booking the wedding when you knew it would be difficult for her and her kids. You made her place in your priorities very clear. Way to go.

BasinHaircut · 09/07/2016 08:44

Sorry haven't RTFT as its so long but OP YABU. You say you tried for 2 months to speak to your SIL about this but assuming that you are fairly local to each other (on account of her only needing half a day off for a 3pm wedding) you clearly didn't try hard enough to speak to her before you booked and were probably glad she ignored you do you could plead ignorance to the fact that you ALREADY KNEW that she wouldn't be able to make it.

You also say that you don't understand why she won't even try to get the time off? But I'm sorry but only a couple of pages in and it's been said numerous times -
A: she already knows it's a lost cause
B: she might get a black mark against her name for even asking
C: It's the end of term and she would feel like a complete and utter piss taker for not being there to do all of end of term stuff

Although it's not supposing that you are choosing not to understand these comments, as you have already chosen to not understand her telling you she couldn't do a week day, and go ahead and book a week day anyway!

BasinHaircut · 09/07/2016 08:48

*suprising

And what Judy said

londonrach · 09/07/2016 08:56

Ive read everything youve written op and Yabu still! remember you have years of xmas etc with this family and by putting your wedding on a week day you excluding important family members. Hope that venues worth that much. If it was me id phone up and move it a week back or a weekend but im a people pleaser and have never booked it when my future sil had told me it was hard to get time off midweek. (Im a teachers daughter so know time off in term time is a no, no!). No one is being bitchy just not agreeing with you.

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2016 09:08

heads can make it difficult for you for just asking. Yes really.

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