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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
grannytomine · 08/07/2016 20:44

She isn't a teacher, she's a TA. I am sure they can get cover for it.

eyebrowsonfleek · 08/07/2016 20:45

My son came home from his residential on the day before May half term started. I am willing to bet that none of the teachers/TAs on that trip would have been granted leave because of the strict ratios.

OP - Reading between the lines, you want her husband to attend but not her or the kids. She doesn't want to go as it's not about her and she's not part of the bridal party despite being the groom's sister.

I can understand why you're pissed off that she didn't reply for 2 months. Maybe she was sitting on her hands because a term time booking comes across as a big fat fuck you.

In this time of austerity, when somebody has to be made redundant you wouldn't want your attendance record to count against you. Schools are cracking down on parents taking kids out of school so I'd expect heads to only sanction staff leave when it's strictly necessary in order to give a good example and to save money.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/07/2016 20:48

She isn't a teacher, she's a TA. I am sure they can get cover for it.

It isn't thathe simple!!

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 20:49

She isn't a teacher, she's a TA. I am sure they can get cover for it.

Ta contracts can be just as strict in terms of time off.

clam · 08/07/2016 20:51

It isn't that simple!!

It really is. Or at least, it could be. I'm a teacher and both teachers and TAs are always requesting time off for a whole host of reasons, and being granted it. My HT would have absolutely no issue with saying yes to this.

clam · 08/07/2016 20:52

Sorry, I meant "both teachers and TAs in my school "

grannytomine · 08/07/2016 21:00

I know TAs who get time off and clearly she is lying when she says she can't have time off when she is ill. Let's face it schools managed before TAs were thought of and its not unusual in the schools I know for some of the TAs to be part time so someone else might do an extra afternoon or someone like me, who volunteers in school for one day a week, could cover.

I know teachers who have had time off in the last term for doctor's visit, hospital visit, children's sports day and one who had a day off, at very short notice, for a job interview. The school managed to carry on, they seem to cope with strikes as well, none of our local schools closed.

I also love the idea from someone earlier who said she could have had one of the six Fridays in August. I hope it wasn't from someone who is educating children.

eyebrowsonfleek · 08/07/2016 21:02

If she's a TA assigned to be a one-on-one with a SEN student then her absence may be distressing for the child.

Do the people dissing TAs have school-aged kids? The TAs at our school are excellent and have more experience working in schools than some of the teachers. Class teachers change annually but many of the TAs have had contact with my kids over multiple years of primary school. (I'm not a TA btw !!)

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 08/07/2016 21:09

I have nothing to do with education except that I have 3 dc in it, but I think YABU. Very U.

You know it's a problem for her getting time off but still went ahead.

She's not just one guest, she's your new husbands sister. And your nephews and nieces (presumably you expect them to miss school)

I think it's poor form of you.

Why couldnt you have made the date in school holidays if it's that important to have a week day?

grannytomine · 08/07/2016 21:10

TAs who work one to one still get ill, need to see a dentist, have training days. The world won't end.

Heatherplant · 08/07/2016 21:10

Important guest at my wedding happened to be a TA and there was 100% no chance of time off for that individual during term time. I'm in a similar working environment when it comes to leave so the TA booked a weekend with plenty of notice so I was able to attend their wedding. YABU, you booked a week day and you must know that isn't going to be convenient for some people.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 21:14

It really is. Or at least, it could be.

That's the issue though isn't it-there isn't a country wide policy for staff having time off for weddings. Most schools I've worked in have been really strict about it but I do appreciate other heads might have a different opinion.

I know teachers who have had time off in the last term for doctor's visit, hospital visit, children's sports day and one who had a day off, at very short notice, for a job interview.

Schools effectively cannot say no to time off got job interviews. I've never heard of anyone being granted time off for sports day. Most teachers miss their own children's school plays etc. Your head sounds very generous with time off. Hospital appointments are not in the same category as weddings. I've always been expected to make routine doctor's and dentist appointments after school-which is what we expect of the students.

Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel · 08/07/2016 21:23

In my school teachers get their classes covered but there is rarely (more like never) cover put in place for support staff. It is what it is. I know lots of people on here think that TAs aren't important enough to worry about in school but if it was your child that wasn't being supported for a day when they would usually expect to be would you feel the same?

Depends what her role is anyway. Is she a TA or an LSA or other support role? Is it primary or secondary? I work in a support role within a school (incidentally I'm neither a TA or LSA) and I genuinely don't have time off unless it's totally unavoidable. The kids I work with can't handle chopping and changing and I'd definitely not do it to them on the last day of term when school life is fucked up anyway and most are struggling to cope let alone those who need additional support.

It's a shame that she'll miss the wedding, but when you work in a school that's life, and it's definitely not her bloody fault! We get lots of bitching on facebook about all our holidays but people rarely see this side of the role... I've attended the service for funerals (usually can do that within one lesson) then returned later after school for the wake. It's just what you do.

grannytomine · 08/07/2016 21:25

PurpleDaisies, but the SIL said she can't get time off for sickness or hospital visits which clearly is ridiculous. If she says things like that why should people take her seriously.

Can you just imagine the uproar at the headlines when a Head refused to let a TA attend hospital for chemo therapy, kidney dialysis or to have an x-ray? If people exaggerate they only have themselves to blame if people don't believe every word they say.

Shizzlestix · 08/07/2016 22:34

She's being a dick, sorry. I've been given a day off (paid) for a cousin's wedding which was a four hour drive away on a weekday. I'm a teacher, so the cover implications were much bigger. All she has to do is ask the head. If she hasn't asked, she's being an arse.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/07/2016 22:35

One thing that seems to be being overlooked is BiL's part in this. If was him who reassured OP and her DH that SiL could definitely get time off. That's why OP went ahead - and was then confused when SiL blanked her for 2 months. If you go back to what OP has said, this is one reason why she isn't convinced that SiL can't get the time off.

The whole stopping the rest of the family going is a bit weird. It suggests she's very angry or, alternately, a bit manipulative. Either way OP is in trouble. She's got to mend some fences or beware backstabbing.

I wouldn't dream of having my wedding on a day any of my immediate family couldn't make, and I'd be hugely upset if one of them had a wedding they knew I couldn't get to. However no one in my family ignores communications for months or makes promises for their OHs without checking.

ChimpyChops · 08/07/2016 22:44

My sister is a TA and couldn't get the day off for our nephew's wedding last week.

As for saying it is easy to take a day off work, not always, my oh is in the emergency services and they have to put in their leave really early. If he puts it in for a wedding and others in his role also want the day off for other things then he may not get it and then that is it unless someone will swap a shift with him (not always easy to do either!). We are getting married October 2017 and he has to submit his annual leave request this September, plus he has asked two men he wants to be ushers to do the same if they are on the rota. Quite ridiculous but no, not always as easy as people think.

LadyCassandra · 08/07/2016 23:08

I've read the whole thread and you are getting a pasting OP. Everyone seems to have missed the fact that you gave her 2 months to let you know that the date was an issue!

HidingUnderARock · 08/07/2016 23:18

So from your first post fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time

So she is the groom's sister.
You knew long (years?) in advance that she would not be able to attend a weekday wedding in term time. You were told not once but constantly according to your post.

So you booked her brother's wedding on a weekday in term time, and texted her to ask if she could make it.

And you are asking if you are being unreasonable.

Wow!

You really are trying to talk your way into believing that your unkind behaviour is actually your stbSIL's fault

Yes. YABU to book her brother's wedding for a time you know she cannot come.
Yes. YABU to not personally face to face talk to her about even considering booking her brother's wedding for a time you know she cannot come.
Yes YABU to blame her in any way for what you have done to her, which is horribly selfish and excluding.

You should face up to what you have done and think about why, and then either
rearrange for a date she can make - check with her first as she may also have booked things for her non-term-time -
or
own up to yourself about why you have behaved this way, and follow that up by owning up to both your families, and your friends.

Headofthehive55 · 08/07/2016 23:33

Absolutely hiding

It is really upon the goodwill of your manager to allow you time off for such things. Some will, fine, some won't.

She will know which one it is. Yes people get ill and they need to cover but I would be cross if my child's TA took time off for a wedding. If she wasn't there for any reason my child would miss out on specific care that day unless I went in to cover. You can't always get cover either. And there is a cost to the school, unless it's unpaid leave in which case it's a bit rich asking her to take a hit because you want a cheaper wedding.

Headofthehive55 · 08/07/2016 23:34

You already knew the date was an issue before you booked it.

teatowel · 08/07/2016 23:47

It would never have crossed the minds of any of my sisters or brothers to have their weddings on a school day because they knew I would be unable to attend. End of story.

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2016 23:48

TAs who work one to one still get ill, need to see a dentist, have training days. The world won't end

They can't help getting ill, they are expected to get appointments outside school day hours and the training days are usually when the school is closed to children and all staff are trained at the same time.

JudyCoolibar · 08/07/2016 23:50

I suspect her failure to respond to you is a direct result of irritation at what you've done. If my brother and future SIL were allegedly anxious about my ability to attend their wedding, knew that I would be highly unlikely to get time off during termtime but have at least 12 weeks during the year when I will be free, I would be a tad irritated if they they deliberately book the wedding for termtime. And if future SIL kept nagging me to say whether the date would be OK for me, I might well be thinking "Silly cow, which part of "I can't take time off during termtime can she not understand? If she can't be bothered to listen to me, I'm not sure I can be bothered to reply to her when all I would be doing is repeating what I've told her already".

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2016 23:52

Well put Judy. I think she was pissed off too. The SIL is not working for 12 weeks of the year, but her brother's new bride picks the last day of term, effectively excluding her.

I bet this will make for some awkward future Christmases with the inlaws.