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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to ask for an eternity ring?

146 replies

Itsaplayonwords · 07/07/2016 22:46

My DH and I had talked about how an eternity ring is usually given at the birth of your first child, however I told him not to buy me one at that time as we had spent a lot of money on our wedding (DD1 was a honeymoon baby) and the money was better used for baby things than on jewellery. It's my 30th birthday at the end of the year and I'd really like an eternity ring. DH would be spending money on a present for me anyway and there's nothing else I really want, but it's not the sort of thing you usually ask for. I know as well that if I did ask and he'd already planned to get me one, or something similar, then he'd feel as though I'd spoilt the surprise.

Should I ask or not?

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 08/07/2016 08:33

I had hoped I'd get an eternity ring at some point and believe me, I earned it as my marriage was hard work! Never did, despite asking.

Got a divorce instead, probably cost about the same but made me much happier Grin

On a less flippant note, I think it's a lovely idea and hope your DH does too.

sharknad0 · 08/07/2016 08:36

I had one for my 30th birthday too! I didn't want one (or any ring) after the birth of my babies because my fingers were too big, and it took a while for them to go back to normal.

I am wearing it on the same finger than my wedding ring, and my engagement ring moved on the other hand. I am happy with that, don't care what other people think. My engagement ring was also chosen by my husband, he wanted it to propose.

Can't you pass a very heavy hint to his brother/ sister/mother/best friend if you don't want to ask directly?

magicboy79 · 08/07/2016 08:36

If you don't ask you don't get! Men need guided in the right direction I always find!
I got an eternity ring for Christmas (2 months after three birth of our second child) I told DH I wanted one after we had our second as it would be the finish of our family, we only wanted two kids, and he followed through with it

Bottomchops · 08/07/2016 08:44

I'm not policing; it's a forum to express views. Sometimes it's good to get alternative views. I think women can make themselves seem frivolous: you get a ring for having a baby?! Intelligent women reduced to shoes and handbag obsessions?! Perhaps I just wish my life was so pretty.

needastrongone · 08/07/2016 08:53

Not all men need guiding in the right direction magic, I'd rather not treat DH like that, he's an intelligent individual, capable of figuring things out by himself!

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 08/07/2016 08:55

Confused How exactly are you not being just the same? You're also saying a ring is a gift for an anniversary.

I think it's fair enough to express views, but some of the replies sound more like one-upmanship. 'Oh, you want a ring? How dare you, I waited 25 years like a good little wife before my man gave me the downpayment on my company.'

It's uncomfortable. All the ring is, is a nice symbol and/or a pretty piece of jewellery.

Vixster99 · 08/07/2016 08:58

I got mine for my 40th birthday. I suggested it, & chose it, he paid Grin
We don't have kids (second marriage) and had been together about 12 years by then.
Its not been off my finger since I got it. I can't wear my engagement ring any more as its too tight.

I always think jewellery is a nice gift for birthdays, especially milestones.

needastrongone · 08/07/2016 09:06

Confused Robin. WTF? I am laughing at the thought DH would ever consider me a 'good little wife waiting for my man'. I expressed an opinion, I hope the OP took this in good faith, as it was intended. I would never have thought to ask that's all, therefore the time and effort and surprise makes the ring additionally special to me personally. You sound a bit sensitive tbh.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 08/07/2016 09:09

I'm sure he wouldn't ever consider that, need. That was sort of my point?

That getting competitive over who has the 'best' reason for a ring is silly: that's not, realistically, why anyone buys one, and it's petty and unpleasant to make the OP feel as if she should be considered less worthy of what is, at the end of the day, a piece of jewellery.

It will be special to her if it means something, just as yours is special to you.

Bottomchops · 08/07/2016 09:12

I'm just waiting for the men to start demanding diamond encrusted "daddy" watches.

I won't be waiting for an eternity ring, just as I didn't wait for a proposal or an engagement ring.

needastrongone · 08/07/2016 09:17

Which certainly wasn't my intention, Robin Smile I wonder then if it depends on the significance of the ring? Some may consider it a piece of jewellery, others attach much more emotion to it, like me ha! Getting an eternity ring just never occurred to me following a particular birth or event or date etc. But there's a lot of emotion attached to my ring, wrapped up in the significance of my marriage to me.

Anyway, good luck OP. I certainly have no issue with you asking for a ring.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 08/07/2016 09:19

Fair enough. Smile

I think it probably has to do with how people think about emotion and significance. For you, your ring has significance relating to your marriage - other people might feel that way about using a ring to mark a birth or another event, which doesn't occur to you, but could be equally important to them.

To say otherwise is just to reduce everyone else's rings to something that just costs money - that's what I was trying to say.

toadgirl · 08/07/2016 09:20

An eternity ring, also known as an infinity ring, is a lady's ring, worn on the hand, comprising a band of precious metal (usually gold) set with a continuous line of identically cut gemstones (usually diamonds)[1] to symbolize never-ending love, usually given by a husband to his wife on the occasion of a significant anniversary, typically after 40 years of marriage. Because the presence of stones all the way round the eternity ring can make it cumbersome to wear, the alternative is to have the stones across the face of the ring only. This is sometimes referred to as a "half-eternity" ring rather than a "full" eternity ring.

Eternity rings featuring paste gems, white topaz or a mix of stones appeared in the 18th century.[2]

History[edit]
The concept of the diamond eternity ring was created in the 1960s by diamond merchant De Beers.[3][4] American investigative journalist Edward Jay Epstein stated that at the time the company had a secret agreement with the Soviet Union which, in return for the creation of a "single channel" controlling the world's supply of diamonds, 'required' the purchase of 90-95% of the uncut gem diamonds produced by Russia.[4] The prevailing fashion at the time, particularly for engagement rings, was for them to be set with a single, large diamond. The Soviet gems, however, were small, often less than 0.25 Carats.[3] To avoid stockpiling, De Beers embarked on a campaign of promotion of jewelry containing a number of small diamonds culminating in the

eternity ring, which was aimed at older, married women. One campaign slogan, aimed at husbands, was "She married you for richer or poorer. Let her know how it’s going"

The idea proved popular with the public, and sales continue to be significant.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternity_ring

n0ne · 08/07/2016 09:20

Not relevant but De Beers (who are Dutch) also made up engagement rings. In the Netherlands your wedding ring contains the diamond and you don't have engagement rings (traditionally - it's becoming more of a thing now). When Dutch DH proposed and I asked about a ring, he was like 'what do you want that for?' Hmm So I just got my own Grin

choli · 08/07/2016 09:22

If you need to ask your husband for money etc, ask him for an "eternity ring". Otherwise, buy your own jewelry like a grown woman, instead of hinting or asking for it as some kind of payment in kind.

toadgirl · 08/07/2016 09:23

I thought that was an interesting background to eternity rings.

To answer your question, why not ask?

At least mention it as an idea for something you'd like. If your husband is anything like mine, he'd be only too pleased to have ideas to work with instead of casting around thinking of something to buy me (it gets harder as the years go on!)

I actually have an eternity ring as my engagement ring Grin. It was the ring I liked most when I went looking. As I have no children, I couldn't wait for that occasion to get my hands on one!

Itsaplayonwords · 08/07/2016 09:32

choli I'm suggesting asking for an eternity ring as a birthday present. Have you never suggested something you would like to receive as a gift?

My debate is along the lines of what need said - I'm just not sure if it's the sort of thing you should ask for as it could take something away from the significance attached to it.

As I said though, it's probably more the typical style that I'm referring to than the tradition or symbolism attached. What I wouldn't want though is to ask for "a ring that looks like this" for my DH to think in the future "I'd like to get her an eternity ring as a symbol of x,y,z but that ring I got her for her 30th already looks like an eternity ring so there's no point making the gesture". Not that I'm overthinking this!

OP posts:
EarthboundMisfit · 08/07/2016 09:34

Shit. Three kids and I've not even considered this. Off to snip the Argos catalogue. Grin

choli · 08/07/2016 09:48

choli I'm suggesting asking for an eternity ring as a birthday present. Have you never suggested something you would like to receive as a gift?

Not for one that is supposed to symbolize emotion in the giver, no, I haven't. That would seem to negate the point to me. If he wanted to give that particular gift, he would do so without prompting, otherwise it is a meaningless piece of jewelry I could just as easily buy myself.

margewiththebluehair · 08/07/2016 09:51

I have never heard of getting an eternity ring after having a baby - it sounds quite preposterous. Is this really a 'thing'?

I agree that an eternity ring is usually given at a significant wedding anniversary like 10, 20, 25, 30, 40.

But noone follows tradition any more.

I agree about emotion and significance. The ring I treasure the most, is the 'second' engagement ring, after I put on weight and could not wear my old one. We had been married already for 3 years. It was even second hand/vintage but I love it as we bought it on our wedding anniversary unplanned as we wandered around an antique shop.

DH wanted to get an eternity ring at 10 years, I just said there were more important things to spend money on.

ExConstance · 08/07/2016 09:54

I was given mine when DS1 was about 3 months old, it made me feel very special and appreciated. As we couldn't find anything with diamonds all round ( if they have diamonds only on top they call them half eternity rings, which sounded ominous!) I had one with a circle of little diamonds around a sapphire. I seldom wear it now, but it makes me smile just thinking of that day in the Jewellers with DS1 in his baby sling.

JinnyGreenTeeth · 08/07/2016 09:54

OP, there is no tradition for eternity rings - as others have said, it was a marketing campaign which is only just older than I am. So, bluntly, the ring you would like for your birthday can meaning anything you like, without you needing to worry that it somehow takes away from an important symbolism!

Whoever said that the vision of marriage as a hard slog during which the man periodically rewards the woman with expensive medals for endurance is depressing is entirely right.

BertrandRussell · 08/07/2016 09:55

"One campaign slogan, aimed at husbands, was "She married you for richer or poorer. Let her know how it’s going"
That has to be the most unpleasant advertising slogan ever!

JinnyGreenTeeth · 08/07/2016 09:55

OP, my last statement not aimed at you, just the general attitude. Like 'push presents'.

DailyMailEthicalFail · 08/07/2016 10:12

Hmm.
2 children and 15th anniversary.
Maybe I should hint?? Grin

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