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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL advice please - light hearted

62 replies

Unicorntrainer · 06/07/2016 21:54

Happily, I am about to become a MIL for the first time in a few weeks. MIL stories, and things I should or shouldn't do?

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 06/07/2016 21:58

Don't grab the baby off her.
Don't demand to be in the delivery room.
Don't fetch round every member of the extended family while she's being stitched up.
Don't demand the DGC overnight in the first week.

Is that enough to be getting on with?! Grin

SabineUndine · 06/07/2016 22:03

Don't turn up at the wedding dressed as if you were the one getting married. Just. Don't.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 06/07/2016 22:04

Don't remind her that everything you did 30 years ago was better

Ask if they would like help.
And then ask what you can do to help

Waffles80 · 06/07/2016 22:05

Congrats.

Definitely do what my MIL did when I gave birth - filled my cupboards and freezer with huge slabs of chocolate cake. Oh, and some pretty awesome casseroles. It's why I'm still married to her son.

blueturtle6 · 06/07/2016 22:05

Just welcome her to family and treat her like a daughter Smile congratulations to your son and soon to be dil

Original poster
Unicorntrainer · 06/07/2016 22:09

Thank you, should have said that I am Motb, and have happy 'taking the piss' relationship' with groom.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 06/07/2016 22:10

Don't call your son and ask him what he had for dinner every fucking time

Don't mention ex GFs unless it is totally unavoidable.

Don't insist they come for Sunday lunch every bloody week.

Jasperkiss5 · 06/07/2016 22:11

Don't go against her parenting style.

Don't have more regard for baby than her, they come as a package.

Don't be possessive over baby and act like this is your second chance at being a mummy.

KittensandKnitting · 06/07/2016 22:11

Treat her like you wanted your MIL to treat you.

My mum is according to my SIL a great MIL. SIL lost her mum not long after she and my brother started dating. My mum was always worried about her role in SIL life because of this, she didn't want to be too full on or too hands off so she decided she would treat her like a daughter (my mum is a great mum) she is there when she needs her and that's the secret I think, listen to you DIL :)

Champagneformyrealfriends · 06/07/2016 22:14

Don't spend her whole pregnancy telling her that women are never as close to their sons children as their daughters then spend the first 3 months of your grandchilds life trying to force her to leave the baby overnight even though she says she's not ready bitter? I'm not bitterAngry

NavyAndWhite · 06/07/2016 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 06/07/2016 22:15

Lol that should've been crossed through. Ah well I am fucking bitter Grin

hearthattack · 06/07/2016 22:15

Don't offer to help out loads with wedding things or life in general and then bitch and moan about it afterwards.

Don't comment about how hot every other man at the wedding is.

Don't add hopefully when ever anyone says you only get married once.

Original poster
Unicorntrainer · 06/07/2016 22:15

Sabineundine, no danger of that. My outfit has been well and truly vetted and I will have 2yr dgd

OP posts:
Jasperkiss5 · 06/07/2016 22:17

Don't keep saying to your grandson (or granddaughter) 'youre a nannys boy aren't you' 10 times every 30 minutes and before you greet your dil. It's possessive, rude, jealous. I'm sure you are normal but some mil are extremely jealous of dils.

SaucyJack · 06/07/2016 22:18

Make lots of cheese sandwiches. Everyone likes a cheese sandwich.

And do offer to babysit if you want to sometomes. An evening off every now and then for your DD and SIL would be a nice thing. It's just as bad to have "underbearing" ILs as it is to have overbearing ones.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 06/07/2016 22:46

Don't go and playfully push her after a c section. Yes it may have been gentle but it's major surgery and don't look nonplussed when DIL points out said major surgery.

If you can be of help and you know they don't take the piss then do. I don't believe having an adult child means you never ever need to do anything for them ever again, unlike my MIL.

Be welcoming if child and partner drop in to visit. Not make it clear that they aren't welcome unless an specific invite is issued. Especially if they have just nipped in to show you their wedding photos.

springwaters · 06/07/2016 22:53

RE comments about the delivery room. Depends on your daughter in law, I has my dm, dmil. dfil and dh at my 2nd birth. Had my dh at the 1st with my DB dropping in and out ( I think out at crucial moment but honestly not sure) , DM arrived at the crucial moment and I think DF was there or immediately after (parking the car)

DB (one of lifes charmers) went out to get Macdonalds for the entire staff and ended up dating one of the midwifes.

whatamockerywemake · 06/07/2016 22:57

That you're even asking on here means you're going to be just fine.

Enjoy the wedding and your relationship.

Huldra · 06/07/2016 23:01

Give them space to be adults and act like a normal kind, none controlling, considerate human being.

My Mil and FIL are great but my Mum is a nightmare MIL towards my SILs, the rest of us too but she is very harsh on them. When she's in a good mood it's the constant fussing. When she's in a bad mood she tries to make other people responsible and lets them know through passive aggressive tantrums. In between she bitches about anyone and everyone to anyone and everyone.

My inlaws aren't perfect but none of us sweat the small stuff and get over any small issues very quickly.

Onedaftmonkey · 06/07/2016 23:31

Do not tell her that she and her child will burn in hell if you don't get her /him christened. ....yeah thanks for that mil.

AnnaMarlowe · 06/07/2016 23:36

Just be nice and treat them with the respect you'd give any other adult.

Absofrigginlootly · 06/07/2016 23:44

Just treat your DIL with respect not contempt.

Say she looks beautiful on her wedding day and doesn't everything look so lovely and perfect!!

All I got from my mil was 'you look nice' through gritted teeth - that's basically the only thing she actually said to me all day. Then when DH was saying goodbye to her and asked her if she'd had a lovely day she replied "well it wasn't how I would have done things"

If they have children respect the fact that babies are SUPPOSED to be clingy towards their mothers, and be respectful and supportive of the fact that DIL might not be comfortable playing pass the parcel with the baby... It's NATURAL and NORMAL for mum and baby to bond like this and shouldn't be fought against. Also do NOT snatch baby out of DIL hands and walk off then point blank refuse to give the baby back when s/he starts crying. Basically don't be a dick.

And don't make comments towards the end of her pregnancy about something 'going wrong' tell her to get some formula in in case she 'fails miserably at breastfeeding'

Don't tell her "well I don't know what sort of parents you'll make" when you announce your pregnancy....

I could go on.....

(We're NC now btw!!)

BertrandRussell · 06/07/2016 23:48

Put yourself in a cupboard. Stay there. Only come out when your dil says you can.

Do not under any circumstances attempt to have a relationship with your son or any possible grandchildren which is not mediated by your dil.

You'll be fine if you follow these simple rules.

MrBoot · 06/07/2016 23:53

Don't say chosen baby's name out loud as if it was an object and then seemingly approve or disapprove.

Don't give unsolicited advice.

Don't grab baby and sit around in GC's house while DIL wants to nap but is still at the newest mother stage of not wanting to leave her baby out of sight.

Don't march over to neighbours to show off GC either with DIL trailing behind you or just left literally without her baby.

Don't exclaim how different things were forty years ago.

Don't offer to get mildewed pram from attic.

Don't spray overpowering perfume when near GC.

Don't ask 'but why is soother cream not recommended anymore, but why, but why, but why.......

Don't say 'we all thought you were having a boy' with sad face if a granddaughter arrives...........

I will think of more, lots more.

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