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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL advice please - light hearted

62 replies

Unicorntrainer · 06/07/2016 21:54

Happily, I am about to become a MIL for the first time in a few weeks. MIL stories, and things I should or shouldn't do?

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 06/07/2016 23:53

That's not fair Bertrand some people are toxic and make toxic MILs

BertrandRussell · 06/07/2016 23:55

Had you considered that some people are toxic and make toxic dils? No? Thought not!

Absofrigginlootly · 06/07/2016 23:56

Of course!!!! But this thread is about how not to be a nightmare mil

BertrandRussell · 07/07/2016 00:00

There is just as much chance that you will have a nightmare dil as be a nightmare mil. Although nobody on Mumsnet will accept it. It's a mixture of ageism and lack of self awareness shown by some posters.

Other people can be hell. Mils and dils both.

Absofrigginlootly · 07/07/2016 00:04

I can accept that! Although obviously I don't speak for MN.... Wink

These nightmare MILs WERE probably nightmare dils before becoming nightmare MILs!! Grin

I'm just sayin' this thread is about how not to be a nightmare mil though

Absofrigginlootly · 07/07/2016 00:10

Bertrand fancy a swap?!

You can be my mil and your DIL can have my mil?! (I'm guessing you have DIL issues?) Grin

They can be batshit together

BertrandRussell · 07/07/2016 00:41

Nope I don't have a dil.

I just find their sanctification here deeply unlikely, and I am capable of considering that there are usually at least two sides to any story. Mumsnetters are only interested in one on this topic.

PitilessYank · 07/07/2016 00:46

The OP is the mother of the bride, not the groom. And the couple have a child, no? So with that in mind...

My suggestion is that you help your co-grandparents, (aka your daughter's PILs) develop a nice relationship with your daughter and your shared grandchild. Sometimes the groom's parents get left behind in that respect.

Enjoy the wedding!

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/07/2016 06:56

Don't ask whether your DIL is eating healthily and drinking plenty of milk while blowing cigarette smoke in her face ....
true story

imonaplane · 07/07/2016 07:33

If you're the mother of the bride you will have no worries. Wink

Champagneformyrealfriends · 07/07/2016 07:47

Don't tell her on her wedding day that somebody has asked if she's pregnant because she's put on weight (particularly when said person hasn't seen her for about 4 years when dil was a heavy smoker and yes dil might be pregnant but only 8 weeks you get the picture).

Feckitall · 07/07/2016 07:47

Bertrand I hear you..
I'm looking at a harassment complaint against sons ex! I've no doubt if she was on here she would be told that she was a paragon of virtue!
OP..just remember that on MN you are in the wrong regardless. .Grin

Original poster
Unicorntrainer · 07/07/2016 09:01

BertrandRussell, 😁😁😁. And am nothing like.yours Absofrigginlootly, she sounds like a nightmare. I babysit as often as work pattern allows, usually to save on childcare. I want to be the perfect MIL . All your comments are really helpful -scuttles off to find cupboard-

OP posts:
brodchengretchen · 07/07/2016 09:12

DIL is not your daughter, she has her own mother, she is your DC's wife. Your relationship should support them as a couple - be a friend of the marriage and you will be halfway there. This involves engaging your brain before opening your mouth Smile. I'm both a DIL and a MIL.

Original poster
Unicorntrainer · 07/07/2016 09:26

Yes PitlessYank, exactly. I am on the doorstep, fsil's parents live some distance away, and dgd sees a lot more of me. I never had a MIL, she had passed away when I met XH, so no role model there. I have read so many stories on MN about dragon MILs and Angel MILs.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 07/07/2016 09:45

Well I've woken up angry at my MIL as she broke my iPad deliberately because I forgot to book our tickets to Australia. So don't do that. Even if it was only a dream! Grin.

Clutterbugsmum · 07/07/2016 10:50

I think the key is to treat her how you would treat anyone else and how you would like to be treated yourself.

Oh and if you have more then one child treat all their partners/children the same, don't bring up babysit one set of grandchildren while ignoring the your other set of grandchildren.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 07/07/2016 11:39

Don't write to DIL's dad to call him a bastard.

I'm sure you'll be fine Grin

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 07/07/2016 13:05

Accept that things are different these days and that probably you will say or do something wrong without ever meaning to. Offer to help, but don't insist. Stay well out of any domestic squabbles. Keep in touch but don't pester. Treat all of the children, their partners and the grandchildren the same. Accept that they will say and do things you don't like and that you are not the most important person in heir lives any longer.

thatsn0tmyname · 07/07/2016 13:06

Don't phone your DIL when the baby is asleep. In fact, don't ever phoneGrin

BertrandRussell · 07/07/2016 13:17

"Don't phone your DIL when the baby is asleep. In fact, don't ever phonegrin"

Says it all really. Sad

HazelBite · 07/07/2016 13:18

Actually attend their wedding.......MIL was absent from ours!

Original poster
Unicorntrainer · 07/07/2016 13:35

Will definitely be at the wedding, sorry to hear that HazelBite, that is awful. Heart goes out to you Bertrand, your son's ex sounds a real cow!

OP posts:
MrBoot · 07/07/2016 13:37

Don't constantly repeat the same stories to your DIL about your cute grandnephew and adorn your house with photographs of grand nephew when you have a beautiful granddaughter who is every bit as smart and cute if you got over the fact she is a girl. Don't advise your DIL that it is never too young to teach manners. She knows this but also knows that her two year old daughter shouldn't have to say a hundred thank you's just because you gave her a grape. One thank you should suffice.

BertrandRussell · 07/07/2016 13:39

Yep. As I said at the beginning, get into a cupboard. Only come out when your dial says it's OK. And of course your relationship with your son and grandchildren must be mediated by your dil.