Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to allow DP to use my car for this?

56 replies

violetbunny · 02/07/2016 11:11

Background...

DP and I have lived together a few years, no kids. We're not on vastly different incomes so we split joint expenses such as rent. Everything else we pay for individually, including transport costs. I own a car which I drive to work as my workplace can't be reached by public transport. DP doesn't own a car as he buses to work.

The issue...

DP has a hobby he does occasionally at weekends which requires travelling, often to out-of-the way places, think gravel roads, towns several hours away, muddy areas. DP borrows my car for this but it almost always comes back a bit dirty (e.g. mud splashes on the outside, or bits of gravel, sand etc inside. Memorably it once came back with a lot of dead sandflies inside). So not in a terrible or irreversible state, but not up to the standard I normally keep it.

I get a bit annoyed when this happens as I generally keep my car clean, it's also work funded vehicle so should be kept presentable. I've also been quite vocal that if he wants to borrow it then although it doesn't have to come back spotless, it should be the same condition it was in when he borrowed it. He's repeatedly returned it a bit untidy, although claims he's made an effort to check it over before it comes back.

I'm also not happy with him driving it to towns 1-2 hours away, as it's my only means of transport to work and I'm responsible for its maintenance. It's a small, old car (not a 4 wheel drive or anything like that) so I worry about the wear and tear on it going to some of these places. I also worry (maybe irrationally) about the impact on me getting to work if anything should happen to it. I'm sure he'd happily contribute more towards it financially, but I'd almost rather he didn't as I'd then feel obliged to let him drive it whenever.

He wants to borrow the car next weekend to travel to a town 1.5 hours away. AIBU to say no? Or am I just being precious and selfish? I've no issue with him taking the car within our city to see friends, go to appointments, shopping etc, I'm just uncomfortable with the hobby trips for the reasons above.

OP posts:
Foslady · 02/07/2016 11:14

If it's driving a wedge then tell him - if he wants a hobby like that (and I have a feeling it's a similar hobby to what I used to have) then he must get his own transport (and if he's going into the forests then the tracks can be abysmal!)

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 02/07/2016 11:15

How did he get to his hobby before he met you?

OwlinaTree · 02/07/2016 11:16

Don't you need it at the weekend to visit a friend/go shopping/cat's birthday party?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 02/07/2016 11:17

Yanbu! He's wrecking your car. He should buy himself a £500 banger for his hobby.

gamerchick · 02/07/2016 11:19

He needs his own car.

GlitteryFluff · 02/07/2016 11:22

I'd let him use it - 'what's mine is yours' attitude in this house.

However, I'd expect him to be paying a % towards it - so mot, tax, insurance, repairs, fuel, carwash, he's to contribute to those costs. Not 50% but maybe 20% or something?

Or ask him to get it washed and hoovered before he comes home. His thanks for using it each week is to do that?

Original poster
violetbunny · 02/07/2016 11:26

He had his own car before he met me, but then we moved to another country so he sold it. He didn't get a new one as he now commutes by public transport and I told him he could use mine at weekends.

Parking is scarce and costly where we live so I generally don't mind him using the car as it would be a lot of extra cost otherwise, it's just the hobby trips that I'm getting a bit irritated with.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 02/07/2016 11:27

If its a work funded vehicle, how do they feel about someone else other than you using it? even if he is insured to use it you might find that one of the stipulations from your work is that you have to be in the car when it is in use.

if this is the case then you need to stop as it isn't worth the risk of losing your only means of transport.

what would his plan B be if he wrecked your car and made it undriveable.

If the usage is regular and allowable by your work, then I would say he should make a contribution.

TheWitTank · 02/07/2016 11:29

Unless he is returning it thouroghly hoovered out, washed and topped up with fuel then I wouldn't let him borrow it either.

Original poster
violetbunny · 02/07/2016 11:33

Glittery, that's exactly what I have been asking him to do - just nip into the drive through car wash before he comes home if it's muddy, or give it a quick vacuum if it's a bit dirty inside. The issue is that he doesn't - often it's dark and late by the time he gets back do I think he either just thinks "it's fine" or doesn't seem to notice.

He generally does his fair share around the house (partly as he knows I'd get upset otherwise ), he just doesn't have the same standards of cleanliness.

OP posts:
TheUnsullied · 02/07/2016 11:34

I wouldn't want to borrow your car TBH. They get dirty and things get trodden in to them from outside. There's no rubbish or anything unnecessary in my car but I don't go and clean the dirt off each time I've driven in the rain. I wouldn't get a partner's car cleaned every weekend because I'd used it once. Does your partner know that this is what you expect? He may reconsider using it if he knows how much it bothers you.

Original poster
violetbunny · 02/07/2016 11:38

Work are fine with him driving the car, there is no issue at all in terms of insurance etc. However as its funded by a car allowance, in my opinion it should be reasonably presentable. This isn't written into the company policy but is generally expected as I do sometimes have to use it for work travel outside my regular commute.

OP posts:
pictish · 02/07/2016 11:41

I wouldn't want to borrow it either. You do seem rather uptight about it to me, sorry. I do a fair bit of outdoorsy stuff and my car's always a bit grubby.
If I were him I'd buy my own car rather than be hassled with fussing over it like you do, every time I used it.

OurBlanche · 02/07/2016 11:41

I do sometimes clean DHs car on the weekends I borrow it. I am aware that it gets muddy and I track mud, leaves and grit in, spill paint sometimes (watercolour). So I do stop and get it cleaned before I give it back - or 'steal' it and get it done the next day if I have made a mess of it.

amy85 · 02/07/2016 11:41

You are being completely selfish and precious!!!!

It's a car for gods sake they do occasionally get muddy...it's not the end of the world! Wait till you have kids then you'll know the true meaning of a messy car!

Ladystark - how exactly is he wrecking the car? Getting it a little bit muddy and a fee bits of gravel on the inside is hardly wrecking it

Birdsgottafly · 02/07/2016 11:41

Me and my ex used to use the car that he uses for a taxi, to go camping/fishing/hiking.

We, or he did (because I was back in work), cleaned it, on return, until it was spotless again. You can have it done in an hour. So he's out of order not returning it, in the condition that it came in.

Im getting a car, to just use, in similar circumstances as your DP. It's unreasonable to lend a car, every weekend.

Whoever I've Car shared with, I've paid for stuff, to make up for the depreciation. We've come to that arrangement between us. One time I bought new mats, when I was the passenger, for a full season.

My DD has just bought an old Landrover for 3k, it will run for years and can do the Welsh hills like its on an urban road.

Is a new vehicle beyond his finances?

Original poster
violetbunny · 02/07/2016 11:43

TheUnsullied - I don't expect him to clean it every time he borrows it, just when he's taken it on one of his trips to do his hobby. This is because almost every time he's borrowed it for the hobby it's come back with greasy food stains on the dash board, foot wells full of sand, or lots of mud splashed on the outside. I've never asked him to clean it when he's taken it anywhere else.

OP posts:
TheUnsullied · 02/07/2016 11:44

That's self imposed though. Your workplace have funded a very cheap car for you, not a car that screams 'professional' that they expect to project a great image if others see you in it. If you want him to understand your frustration, own the fact that you want your car immaculate when returned if he borrows it, not your employer.

Birdsgottafly · 02/07/2016 11:46

""Wait till you have kids then you'll know the true meaning of a messy car!""

My DDs, DP, has to taxi in their car, like many do. It's possible to have children and a clean car.

If your driving in certain places/conditions, there are certain models that are better suited, or engine size etc.

Original poster
violetbunny · 02/07/2016 11:48

Also just to clarify, I've only ever asked him to return it in the condition he borrowed it. So he definitely doesn't need to take it to be cleaned every time, just if it's gotten noticeably dirtier and even then only the bits he's made dirty. So if it's just mud and gravel in the foot wells he only has to clean those - which is a 5 minute job - he doesn't need to take the whole thing through the car wash for just that.

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 02/07/2016 11:49

YANBU. Of course he should clean it if he makes a mess of it.

trafalgargal · 02/07/2016 11:49

Introduce him to the local car valet service and make him pay for it.

I don't need a car for work but my OH has no problem if I need the car to go visit friends for a weekend or am out for the day (if it is one of his work days he just gets the train to work but I try to avoid those days obviously).
It wouldn't make financial sense to run a second car so as we are a couple we don't. The odd cab fare is a lot less than the running costs of a second car. If we ever did have a complete conflict when we both really needed it (never come to it yet) we'd hire a car for that weekend.

Original poster
violetbunny · 02/07/2016 11:50

TheUnsullied - just because it's not written into the company policy doesn't mean it wouldn't be unprofessional to turn up with a muddy vehicle. I don't want to say what my job is but it does involve some travelling for work purposes, sometimes with other colleagues in tow or to visit customers.

OP posts:
TheUnsullied · 02/07/2016 11:52

It's unreasonable to lend a car, every weekend.

Hmm it really isn't. It would however be ridiculous to pay what it costs to keep a car on the road only to use it 4 times a month. Households frequently share cars. Providing both partners agree on the way the arrangement works, there's nothing unreasonable about borrowing a partner's car each weekend.

Arfarfanarf · 02/07/2016 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.