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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to allow DP to use my car for this?

56 replies

violetbunny · 02/07/2016 11:11

Background...

DP and I have lived together a few years, no kids. We're not on vastly different incomes so we split joint expenses such as rent. Everything else we pay for individually, including transport costs. I own a car which I drive to work as my workplace can't be reached by public transport. DP doesn't own a car as he buses to work.

The issue...

DP has a hobby he does occasionally at weekends which requires travelling, often to out-of-the way places, think gravel roads, towns several hours away, muddy areas. DP borrows my car for this but it almost always comes back a bit dirty (e.g. mud splashes on the outside, or bits of gravel, sand etc inside. Memorably it once came back with a lot of dead sandflies inside). So not in a terrible or irreversible state, but not up to the standard I normally keep it.

I get a bit annoyed when this happens as I generally keep my car clean, it's also work funded vehicle so should be kept presentable. I've also been quite vocal that if he wants to borrow it then although it doesn't have to come back spotless, it should be the same condition it was in when he borrowed it. He's repeatedly returned it a bit untidy, although claims he's made an effort to check it over before it comes back.

I'm also not happy with him driving it to towns 1-2 hours away, as it's my only means of transport to work and I'm responsible for its maintenance. It's a small, old car (not a 4 wheel drive or anything like that) so I worry about the wear and tear on it going to some of these places. I also worry (maybe irrationally) about the impact on me getting to work if anything should happen to it. I'm sure he'd happily contribute more towards it financially, but I'd almost rather he didn't as I'd then feel obliged to let him drive it whenever.

He wants to borrow the car next weekend to travel to a town 1.5 hours away. AIBU to say no? Or am I just being precious and selfish? I've no issue with him taking the car within our city to see friends, go to appointments, shopping etc, I'm just uncomfortable with the hobby trips for the reasons above.

OP posts:

Fluffy40 · 02/07/2016 11:53

Just tell him to use the car wash , or he buys his own car .

Mouikey · 02/07/2016 11:55

Hmmm, your work haven't funded this car for you - you are required to provide a car for work, they give you an allowance towards that car (generally it never covers the cost of the car, business insurance, tax etc.). There will be no restrictions on who uses it as its nothing to do with work. If you chose not to use that money towards the car (and say use your partners if they had one) then that would also be acceptable.

What you do with your car and who you lend it to is up to you... Personally, I probably wouldn't lend it for his hobby if he brings it back in a mess and doesn't clean it, but to be perfectly honest if your in a stable and committed relationship where you share everything else, then the car should be an extension, with the caveat that he does clean it after the hobby.

KC225 · 02/07/2016 11:57

Remember Sean Locke talking about the sea of sticky raisins in the back of the car and how one day he left the doors open and there was a fox climbing out and retching on the pavement.

Give him one last chance, can he not go to a cash wash on the way home?

Original poster

violetbunny · 02/07/2016 11:57

Birdsgottafly - He could afford his own car but when we first moved here I suggested he just use mine as he doesn't need one at all during the week. He also only borrows it maybe once or twice a month, and always checks to make sure I'm not using it first.

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 02/07/2016 11:58

Threaten that if the car is not given back clean next time, he won't get it any more.
Also, he should pay his part of the costs (tax, etc).

I would try to solve the problem without buying a second car, what with the expensive parking, etc. But it might be inevitable ...

Can he rent a car? That'd be another solution where you don't have to pay for parking space, etc.

WankersHacksandThieves · 02/07/2016 11:59

Can I just ask what is so secret about what he uses the car for? Is it something illegal? "his hobby" ffs just say what he uses the car for !

If he is potentially causing extra wear and tear above what you'd expect then he either chips in or pays for any repairs to suspension etc. As for the mess, just tell him to clean it or he can't use it until it's done.

TheUnsullied · 02/07/2016 12:01

violet you don't need to say what your job is. But you probably should acknowledge the fact that it's you who has set the standard for how clean your car needs to be. People have different standards for this. As long as there's no rubbish left in my car, I'm not fussy. I probably wouldn't be best impressed in your situation if it came back so muddy I could barely tell what colour the paintwork is and the person borrowing it had no intention of cleaning it. But that being my standard, I wouldn't borrow a car from someone with your standards. Don't divert the issue to standards that your employer hasn't actually set.

BestZebbie · 02/07/2016 12:03

YABU about not wanting him to drive the car to a town 1.5 hours away in case it gets worn out (I commute an hour each way to work, the longer runs are actually much better for wear on the car than little trips around town where most of the travel is at low speed and before it has warmed up). driving is what cars are designed to do.

YANBU about wanting him to return it in a similar state, on average, as he got it in - otherwise he is actually making extra work for you by borrowing it rather than just taking the vehicle. That is a basic "respecting other people's property" rule and would apply in principle to any item. The specifics of what counts as clean enough and cleaned enough are for you to work out between yourselves, but your pov seems reasonable.

YABabitU about feeling wibbly about him using it at all - as others have said, it is your (hypothetically "your family") car and work just chip in a bit towards it to subsidise your transport, it isn't letting him use company property.

Lweji · 02/07/2016 12:07

Do you end up cleaning the car before you go to work?
If so, then it shouldn't be you doing it, and I think it's reasonable to stop lending it if he doesn't do it.
It is yours and he should respect the condition you want it to be in.

Original poster

violetbunny · 02/07/2016 12:15

Half of me wants to give him another chance and let him borrow the car next weekend. Especially as some of you have said I'm being precious, which I accept I very well may be. He is otherwise a generous and considerate person, just quite messy! Whereas I know I can be a bit fussy about tidiness, hence why I'm posting here...

OP posts:

Original poster

violetbunny · 02/07/2016 12:21

Wankers, it's not a very common hobby so I haven't mentioned what it is. The hobby itself isn't relevant in any case, other than to explain why he's taking it out and returning it in such a state.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 02/07/2016 12:22

I think you're being a bit silly OP

BitOutOfPractice · 02/07/2016 12:23

It's not in "such a state". It's a bit dirty. Tell him again to clean it

happypoobum · 02/07/2016 12:24

I don't understand - does this mean if he has the car you are then carless all weekend? If he needs to go somewhere and you say he can't use the car as you need it, does he make alternative arrangements or does he just not go?

I think he needs to get his own car to be honest.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/07/2016 12:25

You are being precious about not wanting to drive a car to a town 1.5 hours away.

The dirt is different. That just needs a clear rule: do you can borrow my car to go surfing (or whatever, I can't bring myself to type hobby about a grown adult's activity) on the condition you put it through the car wash the day you bring it back. If you don't then you can't borrow it any more. I'm fed up with it being too filthy for work.

Original poster

violetbunny · 02/07/2016 12:28

TheUnsullied - just because it's not a written policy does not mean it would be appropriate for me to visit a customer with a car completely covered in mud. There are many things I should not do at work which aren't necessarily spelled out as rules.

I do accept that whether a car is presentable for work purposes or not is subjective though, so I am applying my own judgement in terms of what I believe is acceptable.

OP posts:

Original poster

violetbunny · 02/07/2016 12:30

Happypoobum - sometimes he borrows it for a couple of hours, sometimes longer. Usually only once or twice a month and always with my permission. I don't use it much at the weekend anyway, and if I had plans he wouldn't ask to borrow it.

OP posts:

SeaCabbage · 02/07/2016 12:31

Spell it out that you are getting fed up with the state it's coming back in and that if he does it again you will stop lending it to him. Easy.

happypoobum · 02/07/2016 12:32

What I am trying to get at is if you are using it and he has a "thing" to go to, does he manage to find alternative means of transport and still go, or does it mean he misses it?

If he finds another way of getting there he can do that all the time or get his own bloody car

FinallyHere · 02/07/2016 12:32

While I'm all for 'whats mine is yours', I can't be doing with having to clear a car that someone else had borrowed. Let him hire a car or a taxi a few times before you offer the use of your car again. Let him see what the real world is like, so he can be a tad more appreciative and return it in the state he found it.

Perhaps not on the way home, if he is returning late, but why not the next day?

QuestionableMouse · 02/07/2016 12:34

You're being a bit precious. It's a car. They get dirty. A 3 hour round trip really isn't that far.

TheUnsullied · 02/07/2016 12:38

Is he returning the car to you completely covered in mud?

What I'm saying OP is that the work thing is a complete red herring. It's not about the fact that work give you a bit of money to compensate you for using your car outside of a typical commute. It's about the fact that your partner is borrowing your car and not returning it to the standard you'd like. Don't muddy the issue with work. Here on MN we can only really advise not to lend him your car or we can establish whether your standards are reasonable.

WankersHacksandThieves · 02/07/2016 12:40

violet - it just comes across really pretentious tbh. if it's not that common a hobby and you don't want to be outed then fair enough but you could have just pretended it was something else more mainstream that has the same issues :)

Do you live somewhere where it is easy ofr him to just get a hose out and give it a going over or is it that he'd have to take it to a car wash?

If the latter then maybe he could even just make sure the outside has had a couple of buckets of water over it if the car wash is shut on the way home and then treat you to an occasional valet.

PridePrejudiceZombies · 02/07/2016 13:07

I'd be fine with lending it to him provided it was returned in the state he took it in. I think the last few posts are minimising the work issue too much, also. While it's true that you'd be reasonable to expect it to be returned in the same state as given even if you never used it for work purposes at all, it's clear from what you say that it isn't appropriate in your job for your car to be clean. That does add another layer.

Girlgonewild · 02/07/2016 13:12

What stops him calling at the car wash or even those clean inside cars places on the way back? Surely that is the compromise solution?

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