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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

388 replies

WanderingNotLost · 02/07/2016 00:51

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

OP posts:
Dairybanrion · 02/07/2016 16:34

Look I'm an old fart. I got married 10 years ago. I invited kids. Didn't particularly want them there but felt it was the right thing to do.
Now, in retrospect, if getting married id acknowledge that a wedding is a celebration It's an announcement I love him/her and s/he loves me. Aren't we lucky?!! Come celebrate with us. Bring the kids sure they're part of the family. I'm happy I want everyone else to be happy.

chunkymum1 · 02/07/2016 16:34

It's entirely your choice and whilst I prefer to be able to take my DC if I am invited to a wedding I don't think it's unreasonable to have a child free wedding. However, if you are going to make it a child free wedding be prepared for the fact that some parents may not come- for some people organising child care for what invariably ends up being all day and most of the night (even if they are close enough to not need to stay over) is not easy- especially if they are family so many of their possible babysitters would be at the wedding. I do think people who get upset with parents who don't attend a child free wedding are unreasonable.

When I have taken my DC to weddings (even from quite young) we have not left very early. When they were babies they would sleep in the pram quite happily and after that we've let them stay up late - it's only once in a blue moon.

Dairybanrion · 02/07/2016 16:36

IF my parents wanted to give me money I'd rather it for a house or a car. Not a party. I would suspect some my friend were helped by parents on wedding day. It's a bit spoiled no? We're adults, we should be fundraising our own party.

Goingtobeawesome · 02/07/2016 16:42

Leave out the funding yourself and say the rest. Even if you had parental contribution it still might be too much to have children as well. It's irrelevant.

diddl · 02/07/2016 17:02

So why don't you either wait until you have the amount you want or scale back?

I've been married twice-no parental contribution either time.

Why would there be when we were working adults?

chunkymum1 · 02/07/2016 17:12

I know you are sending this message to people you're quite close to so clearly you know better than a total stranger how it will go down. But I think that some people will feel a bit uncomfortable giving you an honest reply if you focus on the 'adults only' policy being for financial reasons. I think there's a risk that you might get a lot of 'don't worry, that's fine' replies whilst they secretly moan and in the end don't come (or sneak off early to be back for the babysitter). Personally I'd be more inclined to send something along the lines of 'Just pulling together our guest list and sorting venues. We're looking at possible ways to keep the numbers manageable and one thought was to have a child free wedding. How much of a pain in the backside would this be for you?' I think you're more likely to get an honest answer (but maybe not the one you want).

If you send this, you also need to agree with DH what you will do if anyone says it is going to be a big problem. Would you actually reconsider? One friend sent a message similar to yours - one couple were very insistent that they could not come without DC and that if it was a child free wedding they would know that they were not really welcome. Their DC were therefore (grudgingly) invited as the only children at the wedding. I know from all the frustrated/teary phone calls from the bride looking for a shoulder to cry on that this caused a lot of trouble as other family members found out and complained that they'd been trying to be polite etc etc and wanted their DC to be invited even though the hotel genuinely would not accept any more guests. I suppose what I'm trying to say is only ask for opinions if you really need/want them to make your decision and you have other ideas to look at if you don't get the answer you are hoping for.

stumblymonkey · 02/07/2016 17:21

I'm having a child free wedding and most of the weddings I've been to have been child free.

My friends always say they prefer child free weddings as they can have a 'day off'. Obviously there may be some people who can't get childcare which would be a shame but I don't believe that it's 'bad form'.

balence49 · 02/07/2016 17:22

We had a child free wedding. Apart from our own. My reason was that what some of our family and friends consider to be acceptable behaviour from their children differs vastly from us. The main culprit for this being very close family. So we had no children. It was lovely and I didn't spend the whole time getting irritated by children (or their parents) that cannot behave in public!

Hulababy · 02/07/2016 17:27

Have a child free wedding if you want.

But, please:

  • don't try to make out that it's doing the parents a favour. Parents always have the choice to take or leave their children to such events (if the child is invited); they don't need anyone to do them the favour.

  • accept some people will not be able to come or not want to come - it's their choice not to come just like to your choice to say no children; don't make them feel bad for not coming as a result of your decision

  • don't split families by saying some children can come and some can't (Ie saying only those over/under a certain age are okay)

  • don't split friends/family by saying breastfed babies can come but bottle fed ones can't (yes, seen that before)

And when you make your choice make she you will be fine if some family or friends can't come.

If you accept that then having s child free wedding is your choice and up to you.

Hulababy · 02/07/2016 17:33

Hilbil21 / that's what they've told you anyway. I know many people who have said similar. Not all genuinely mean it though. But it's polite to say so.

As said before - most people are more capable of making that decision themselves and don't need an excuse to have a child free night - if they want one they arrange it themselves. Well everyone I know with children have done so anyway.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 17:34

Thanks for the responses- do you think though that you would leave earlier if you have children with you?

No, we would leave early if the kids were being minded by a friend/neighbour/relative and we didn't want to take the piss by being back too late

If the wedding was far enough away to require a stay-over we'ld just not go because overnight childcare for two kids is a big ask even for relatives

When the kids HAVE been invited, that's when we've made a night of it: get a room in the venue & put kids to bed, then either tag team if its a mutual friend (I get 2 hrs, then DH gets 2 hrs, then swap). Or, if the wedding was very much my or DHs circle, then the other parent would go up to the room with the kids for the evening, and then the other one would stay up. We've even tag teamed for a local wedding, I took them home to bed, DH stayed another couple of hours, then came home and I went back out to the end of the party

2nds · 02/07/2016 17:51

Purpledaisies at home with their babysitter where they would be if they weren't invited. Where do you think they'd be, on the moon?

XiCi · 02/07/2016 17:52

I honestly wouldn't worry about it. People generally just dont expect their children to be invited to weddings unless it's the wedding of a sibling.

babyblabber · 02/07/2016 18:00

90% of weddings I've been to have been child free (in Ireland).

I'd have no interest in bringing my kids to a wedding!

PurpleDaisies · 02/07/2016 18:05

Purpledaisies at home with their babysitter where they would be if they weren't invited. Where do you think they'd be, on the moon?

So your plan is for the babysitter to bring them after the meal? That sounds totally ridiculous to me.

2nds · 02/07/2016 18:19

No my plan is for Neil Armstrong to bring them after the meal in his spaceshuttle.

It's really not so ridiculous. She doesn't want kids there but he does so if the kids are invited to the latter part of the day then that could be a workable compromise. OP has said that the venue is not too far from the guests anyway.

OP surely that number of kids added to the wedding wouldn't cost £500 on top of what you are already paying?

PurpleDaisies · 02/07/2016 18:26

No my plan is for Neil Armstrong to bring them after the meal in his space shuttle

I'm not sure why you're responding I'm such a childish way. Your plan involves parents finding a baby sitter willing to bring the children to the venue, or one of the parents staying sober during the meal, driving home to get them and coming back again. It's a compromise that doesn't make things easier for anyone.

fleur34 · 02/07/2016 18:29

YANBU IMO. I wouldn't be at all offended to be invited to a wedding where kids weren't allowed and have two of my own. We had no kids at our wedding, although only had two friends with children at that point. I would sound out the parents beforehand if you're worried they won't come X

SisterMoonshine · 02/07/2016 18:48

I don't think I'd make it to a cousin's child free wedding. Or, I might, but not DH or something.
I don't know how I'd reply to your email though.
And I agree - no need to say anything about funding the ENTIRE thing yourselves. It sounds like you think you should be entitled to some sort of wedding benefit.
Do you not usually fund nice things yourselves by yourselves then?

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 02/07/2016 18:57

I'm certainly not saying it to make a point, more to stop people making the assumption that, like the vast majority of weddings that DP and I have attended, there will be a family contribution. It isn't to guilt-trip anybody into not saying what they think (and mine is a no BS type of family anyway so even if that were my intention it certainly wouldn't stop them!).

We won't be getting married in a venue that has accommodation so that isn't an option unfortch.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 02/07/2016 19:12

I don't think you need to make the comment re self funding. But then I think lots of adults now pay for their own weddings anyway.

I wouldn't mention it being a favour or a chance for child free.

I would tell them the truth - costs are rising and it is a way to cut your own costs.

If your asking for their thoughts make it clear that you value thoughts from both sides and will listen to any issues carefully and think of ways round them.

And before all that - make sure your dp is actually on board. I think that you have to BOTH agree with the plans, especially as you say that your guests outweigh his.

muddypuddled · 02/07/2016 19:12

I would ask your guests with children for their opinion. We've been invited to a lot of weddings recently that our children are not welcome to and to be honest for me it's the way it's said. In one invite, where dh was an usher there was a scrappy handwritten note shoved in that said that the couple wanted us to be able to let our hair down and relax therefore children weren't invited. It felt like we had been given no choice as hubby was already in the wedding. And the note clearly wasn't in all invites so it felt like your child in particular is not welcome. My ds was only 8 months old at the time and I hadn't left him overnight. I was still breast feeding and the wedding wasn't close to home. It was horrible to feel pressured into leaving him overnight with my parents and therefore I definitely could not relax!! We have recently been invited to a 4 day wedding in Ireland where non family children aren't welcome so I have refused to go and dh is going on his own. There is no way I want to leave my two in another country for a wedding as again I'm feeding our youngest and haven't yet left her. We took her to a wedding close to home recently and because of her age (4 months at the time) I fed her and put her to sleep in her pram and ten was able to enjoy the evening with her close by. Older children I'm sure will be allowed to stay up late for one night and usually at weddings I've seen older children at, they've just conked out on a sofa near their parents when it gets too late.

Sorry rambles on a bit but anyway, I think you should leave it up to the parents. Kids hardly eat anything either and age dependent, parents of babies may even bring their own food for the child.

verytiredmummy1 · 02/07/2016 19:31

Whilst it's your choice I personally as a parent find child free weddings a pain. I've just turned down an invite for one as breastfeeding so can't leave DD at home and DH didn't want to go on his own x

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 02/07/2016 19:41

As pps have already said, it's fine to have a child free wedding but expect some parents not to come. Also, remember that if you invite someone's whole family (aunts, uncles, GPs etc) but not the children, sometimes that means all the people who would normally babysit DCs are going to be busy (at your wedding).

Fwiw we had children at our wedding. Our feelings were that if we liked people enough to want them at our wedding we also wanted their children to be able to come. We just didn't invite any adults we didn't like or know well enough for that iyswim.

m0therofdragons · 02/07/2016 19:48

We've been to child free weddings and it's been fine. I'm not worried either way as it's the bride and groom's day however I was a bit disappointed by a recent child free invite - 3 hours drive away just to the evening do so we'd need childcare overnight. It's a relative so all family are at the wedding so we have no childcare for our 3 dc. We won't be going. As for leaving early with dc - the weddings we went to with dc are the ones we stay the latest as dc love dancing and we just pop their pjs on near the end and either they can curl up on a chair (dd1 did this when she was 5) or dance the night away (2yo dtds did this).
Everyone is different - my wedding definitely had children as to me they add to the fun. But overall my day was chilled out and not at all stuffy. Some people prefer no kids and that's fine too. Each to their own. Whatever you do you'll offend someone so do what works for you.