To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

[WanderingNotLost]

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

Have a child free wedding if that's what you want to do, but don't try and dress it up as it being a good thing for parents. Not everyone either wants a 'night off', has suitable child care, or can afford a babysitter. Just be honest, say you don't have space, can't afford it, just don't want them, but don't try and pretend you're doing it for the benefit of the parents.

For what it's worth, I would actually leave earlier if it were a child free wedding. For what I pay per hour for a babysitter, I'm going to be heading home as soon as I can escape. If DS is there, I'll stay later.

It's your wedding OP. Please don't forget that.

There's nothing inherently wrong with a childfree wedding if that's what the couple wants (but obviously they have to agree). However you have to accept that some people won't be able to come and you would be unreasonable to be annoyed about that. If they're family, don't forget you're cutting off several babysitter options as presumably grandparents/aunts and uncles will be at the wedding. Surely it would be worse to have them absent than leaving early? Though FWIW, at my wedding the kids were the last ones on the dancefloor - they all loved the chance to stay up late!

Put it this way - no-one is going to be annoyed that you've invited kids. They're under no obligation to actually bring their kids if they really want a night off. But they might get annoyed if you don't invite kids and force them to go through the hassle of finding a babysitter.

Wowee, this has certainly exploded since I went to sleep! I'll try and address the more frequently mentioned points...

• We absolutely would not say no to babes in arms. I'm not that much of a dick

• We wouldn't present as doing the parents a favour. We'd be honest and say it's due to budget and capacity limitations

• On DP's side, the kids are all children of friends. None in his family. And while my family chunk of the guest list is pretty hefty, his school and uni mates plus spouses and children is 39 people, so he's not that far behind me!

• On my side, I have 3 nieces and a nephew but chances are my bro is going to decline the invitation anyway as he's a petty vindictive wanker NC with my Mum. Other than that all kids are children of my cousins. I'm the youngest cousin and on my Dad's side I only have one cousin who doesn't have children.

The wedding reception will most like be in a City of London pub so there will be minimal, if any outside space.

It's nice that you are taking the time to think about how things will affect your guests. Hope you have a lovely wedding whatever you decide.

I have been to many a wedding where the ceremony was ruined by children crying, talking etc. I vowed that I would never have children at my wedding. And I didn't. And it was amazing (albeit not in Maui 🤓) That was my reasons for going child free and I don't regret it

Oh right, by its very nature it is unsuitable for kids. People with kids will either decline or hire a sitter or have a friend fir the day, and back eRly to collect their child.

I also agree that if you want child free because of budgets or space or because you do, fine. But don't tell people it's because they will enjoy themselves more.
My friend has just done this. He wants child free. That's fine, it's partly budget and space but it is also partly so we can have a great time without the children.
And I feel it's really not up to him what constitutes a great time for me. "You will enjoy it more without your kids because I say you will". Actually, it will involve a short haul flight for a long weekend to somewhere I want to take my kids. So while I am more than happy with the space and budget reasons, I am seriously unimpressed with being told I will enjoy it more if I can leave the kids behind. As it is, it is going to make it much more epensive or inconvenient - are my parents going to be able to travel down from up country to look after our kids while DH and I go off, but then they miss out on seeing the things I want to show them, or do we all go but find an agency to babysit for a night which adds hugely to the expense?
All things I don't mind sorting out but please don't tell me you are doing it to allow me to enjoy myself!

It's not bad form, it's your day after all. We had only family kids at our wedding, and didn't invite friends kids. Mainly because of the money, we were literally counting every penny and the addition of I think 6/7 kids was just too much for our tight budget. Plus, we were getting married in the middle of nowhere, accommodation not on site and the nearest hotel about 20 mins by taxi. Therefore anyone with kids would have to leave for a good chunk of time and miss out on a lot. Even if one parent came back, it would have been a lot of hassle for them. Our niece and nephew stayed until 10 (they were 6 and 8, we were very impressed with how well they behaved too) but that meant my SIL and BIL missed out on a couple hours partying. For us we made the right decision. It might ruffle some feathers, but the wedding is really about the couple getting married. Good luck and congrats!

So London you would leave out people with babes in arms? Even a breastfed newborn

I'm having only nieces and nephews at my wedding. No other children. I don't think theres anything wrong with that.

He is BU to say it's bad form, it isn't necessarily. He is right that some people either couldn't or wouldn't go to a wedding their kids weren't invited to, so you'll need to think about whether that would be the case for any of your guests and whether you'd care. If a lot of your guests have youngish kids, there isn't really a way for this not to influence your wedding. It may just be a case of how you want that influence to manifest itself.

You were BU to present a child free wedding as nice for parents. Because parents whose children are invited but want a break can still decide to leave them anyway if they have childcare, whereas it'll be a hassle for those who don't. You seem to have acknowledged this in your last post, I definitely agree you should present it as budget limitations. The usual trite stuff about giving parents a break or the venue that we freely chose not being child friendly is really annoying, better just to be honest.

You need to weigh up how upset you'd be if none of them came versus if they came and left at 9pm versus the kids come and they all stay on.

We are having a nearly no kids wedding (page boy and flower girl only, maybe one baby). I was debating it for a while. Then I realised the issue was this one relative (who I rarely see) who I've never got on that well with who has rather naughty children that she doesn't discipline. In the end I decided not to invite her. None of my friends are actually bringing their children but that was their choice. For me it was this family in particular that caused the worry so the solution was to not invite them.

YANBU.

I had a child-free wedding and it was brilliant. We got married late in life, most of our friends had children (some of them 3 or 4), so it would have more than doubled the numbers to include children. Our venue could only take 120 people, so we couldn't have invited lots of our friends.

Also, I have been to weddings where children ruined the ceremony by running about and screaming.

Each to their own. Go with what you want. I've had to hire babysitters for weddings and it doesn't bother me.

Definitely not BU in my eyes. I love a child free wedding (and I say that as a mum to three under 5!). I would love to have a child free wedding when we get married next year, but because our three will be there and play big parts in the day, we will obviously have other kids there for them to play with. The wedding we have just been to which was child free was lovely - it was great not to have kids running around and spend a few hours without any children. I do appreciate it isn't always easy for people to find childcare though - we are lucky that my parents will have ours for the day/weekend.
Your wedding. Your choice. Just make sure you and your fiance are in agreement over it.

Ok folks.

I'm sending this message out to my cousins - what do you think?

Hi

Hope you're well!

Quick question- DP and I are trying to work out our guest list and budget for our wedding- we want to be as inclusive as possible but we are going to be funding the entire thing ourselves so won't have a fortune to spend. We are considering the option of having a grown-ups only wedding but wanted to put the feelers out and see how much of an issue that would be for you. Do you think you'd be able to come/want to come if we do end up taking that route?
We haven't made a decision yet, just want to get an idea of the consensus. Let me know 🙂 thanks
Wandering xx

Is that ok? It's pretty honest...

The 'we are funding the entire thing ourselves' would annoy me.

Dairy why would it annoy you? It's the truth... And I'm only sending it to my family, I can be honest with them without judgement.

Dh and I called everyone on the list with kids and just explained.

Hmm, I tend to do a huge eye roll when people say 'no kids', I think it's a bit mean. And you can't complain when people don't want to come. I kinda think accept me, accept my kids

What if 50% say grand no bother. And the other 50% say I can't go without Alphonsus.
And they're hoping that by sending an opinion poll their wishes would be granted?
Maybe make your own decision? It is your party.

Cos it sounds like you fundraising for a trip to a developing country.

The 'we are funding ourselves' seems a strange line to me. I have been to many family weddings. I have always assumed they were paying for the wedding themselves, tbh.

In an ideal world we'd have a lot more to spend, have a nice big venue, a children's entertainer and a crèche and everyone would be happy. I love all the children in my family and all our friends children. We just don't think we'll be able to afford for them all to be there. We've found a venue that we love but it's £60 per head for the most basic package, even if it's cheaper for the kids its still about £500 that we could avoid spending.

Every wedding I've been to has had a hefty parental contribution