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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

388 replies

WanderingNotLost · 02/07/2016 00:51

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

OP posts:
Cantusethatname · 04/07/2016 19:56

I find child free weddings a bit depressing. Part of the marriage service is about children - I love seeing little girls in bridesmaid dresses and little boys in shirts. It's all about the extended family and the joy that children bring.

I also have to say it has been hard work taking mine to weddings. Maybe I like other people's children at weddings,

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 04/07/2016 19:58

Yasmin the 127 includes the kids, so with adults on top it would be over a 3rd of the whole group. But that isn't the reason we're considering not having children, it was just something that came to mind while we were discussing it. The reason we're thinking of not having kids is because it would save us roughly £500 and make finding an affordable venue much easier with a smaller number of people to fit in it.

OP posts:
couldntlovethebearmore · 04/07/2016 19:59

what part of the service is about children? Certainly none of my service pertained to children!

Cantusethatname · 04/07/2016 20:01

This part:
I know it's not the service everyone would choose.

Marriage is a gift of God in creation
through which husband and wife may know the grace of God.
It is given
that as man and woman grow together in love and trust,
they shall be united with one another in heart, body and mind,
as Christ is united with his bride, the Church.

The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together
in the delight and tenderness of sexual union
and joyful commitment to the end of their lives.
It is given as the foundation of family life
in which children are [born and] nurtured
and in which each member of the family,in good times and in bad,
may find strength, companionship and comfort,
and grow to maturity in love.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/07/2016 20:02

"what's wrong with the partying ending before 9pm. "

What kind of a party finishes at 9pm?

Gwenhwyfar · 04/07/2016 20:04

"I find child free weddings a bit depressing. "

Me too (at least the idea, never experienced it) and I don't even like children much. Weddings are family occasions aren't they?

Ffion3107 · 04/07/2016 20:08

We've been invited to one this year and we can't wait for an adult only day!
It was easy for us as it's a friend's wedding so DD will go to grandma's. But you sound like you have a very tight family so maybe finding a babysitter won't be as easy for them.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 04/07/2016 20:09

So is a child free wedding still depressing if the bride and groom don't actually have any relatives within the extended family who are children?

ElizabethG81 · 04/07/2016 20:10

YANBU to want a child free wedding, but your DP is also NBU to want children there - you'll have to come to a compromise on it, it's not just up to you.

If it's child free, you'll get some people who can't come at all. Some will be able to come but will have to leave early to get back for babysitters. If children are there then some may also have to leave early to take the children home. None of those guests would be being unreasonable either, life just changes once you have children.

Kennington · 04/07/2016 20:13

Child free weddings are ok, but don't expect as many people to turn up as it a pain for many parents.
I tend to not be so keen on going. I like kids at celebrations and think it is good for both the children and adults.
Less chance of a ruck at least!

Tessabelle74 · 04/07/2016 20:15

It's your day so as long as you and DP are in agreement then do whichever you prefer. Personally I don't attend child free occasions as I've got three and a shortage of babysitters but I wouldn't leave particularly early if they come either

rosedragon0103 · 04/07/2016 20:18

Each parent are different, you will struggle to please them all! I've been invited to a mix. Close family friends didn't include our DS, we still went & stayed over night. My parents looked after DS- it was fab grandparent time for them & a night off for us. Uni friends wedding kids were not included outside of the family. Hubbies stayed at home with the kids & we had a girly weekend (this wedding meant 2 nights stay due to location & time of wedding so felt too much for kids and grandparents). For another my youngest was 4months old & was BF. I expressed running up to the day & expressed at the wedding (poor groom got a fright when he popped into their bridal cottage to find me there!). We left around 10pm with an hr drive home. For our wedding we spoke to friends and some were eager to leave their kids at home. We ended up with a mix but our reception was in a hotel so people were able to put the kids to bed & 1 of them continue to party ;-). I'd recommend talking to guests with kids and explain the situation. Hope you have a fab time whatever you decide together.

couldntlovethebearmore · 04/07/2016 20:19

I certainly never had all that bollocks in my wedding service...and had no kids! Still talk to all the guests 14 years later so cant have offended too many people- or maybe I know normal people who dont think having kids makes them the centre of everyone elses universe

ninjapixy · 04/07/2016 20:24

I don't think this is an unreasonable request but I personally wouldn't be able to go due to lack of childcare. If I did go, is probably be waiting to get out of there quickly to avoid paying tons on any childcare I managed to get, but I don't think you should let that alone put you off. Especially if you're looking to save a little money. If you'd be sorry to find any of your friends/relatives that you want there couldn't make it because they have kids though, I'd consider carefully what you want to do.

Also, a wedding of one of my DH's cousins I went to while pregnant cleared out fairly early and not because of kids. I think people got bored. We were some of the later ones to leave even though the SiL had a little baby. Bride's sister went nuts at us for leaving and her and the MIL had a screaming match in the snowy car park. I think she blamed us somehow for everyone else going too. Breakfast the next morning was awkward as hell.

My point is, depending on the timing of your wedding, people might leave early regardless. Me and the DH aren't really party people anyway so we tend to skip out as soon as feasibly possible. Probably after I've spent five minutes failing to convince him to dance.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/07/2016 20:27

"So is a child free wedding still depressing if the bride and groom don't actually have any relatives within the extended family who are children?"

MrsJoey, I presume everyone knows someone who has a child so they can always invite a distant friend. I do actually find Christmas with no children in our family a bit sad.

Plumbuddle · 04/07/2016 20:31

Excuse me if someone has already said this but I haven't read through all the replies and apparently you want lots of responses.
(1) Ask yourself do you one day want children? If this is part of your life plan then when this happens, you will appreciate the wonderfulness of family parties that include all the generations. Especially those marking births, death and marriages. Family members, including kids, remember these gatherings for the rest of their lives and it gives them a sense of belonging. In my view you are therefore joining the club early if you have a child-friendly wedding.
(2) People with small kids who want to party without them, will arrange for that anyway. My kids are teens now but when younger there was something magical about taking them to parties. Your relatives/friends who have that attitude will not be fazed by bringing them and it will enhance their pleasure in your party.
(3) Small kids do not eat much, just have the piles of nibbles you would have had anyway and they will simply graze on them lightly. It will not cost you that much more.
(4) Your friends/family with kids will love you all the more if you invite their kids. If you don't, some people (not me but there are a lot of them out there) will feel secretly bitter and hold a grudge against you.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 04/07/2016 20:31

My friends who married young generally had child free weddings, they were the "children" of the family and the next generation hadn't really started producing smaller ones yet, plus they were generally the first wave in the friendship group to marry so no friends kids either

I don't think they shoulda gone and rented kids specially

but none of the childfree weddings I've been to had the "weddingy" atmosphere that I feel at mixed ages weddings.

skyedog · 04/07/2016 20:44

I had a child free wedding party in the evening. we got married in the day at the registry office (children welcome) went for a family meal with close family and had a party in the evening (no children- even ours) The reason was that it was in a bar, we weren't putting any entertainment on for the children, there was nothing for kids to do. we did think it might stop some people coming, but it didn't and inspired some friends to have a night off their children, which they hadn't done since having the 3rd one. if you are having children there you need to cater for them, pay for them, and possibly lay on some entertainment for the. Don't really think weddings are much fun for children, or for parents trying to get children to behave.

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 04/07/2016 20:45

Elizabeth it's not that my DP wants them there, he just thinks it would be rude not to invite them.

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 04/07/2016 20:48

Don't really think weddings are much fun for children

My kids LOVE a good wedding
They don't need special dedicated kids entertainment, they're just happy twirling around in their pretty dresses with their cousins and whatever other children are there

MrsJoeyMaynard · 04/07/2016 20:49

MrsJoey, I presume everyone knows someone who has a child so they can always invite a distant friend.

Oh, I'm sure the vast majority of people have at least one acquaintance or distant friend who has a child. But, say, if someone gets married before the relatives in their generation start having children, and before their close friends start having children, it would seem odd to invite a distant friend simply because otherwise they wouldn't have any children to invite.

Not the scenario for the OP of course.

skyedog · 04/07/2016 20:51

Having read some of the other comments. A lot/most of our friends have kids (including us) pretty much everyone stayed to the end, midnight, and some people went to a club afterwards. we did put a lot of money behind the bar, and had a great DJ. We did really think about it carefully, whether to say kids could come, and if had been more of a daytime do I think it would have been different. my sons are 8 and 10, they thought the wedding was funny, liked the confetti, didn't think much of the lunch (kindles and ipads very usefu) and had a babysitter in the evening. We spent a lot of time wording the invitation to make it clear that the evening do was no children. It did mean that people could relax, and party.

SlightlyperturbedOwl · 04/07/2016 20:54

Something to agree between the two of you I think, and it's absolutely fine provided you don't get huffy with people who can't come as they don't have suitable babysitters. We don't go to child-free weddings for that reason, much though we'd love a child-free party Smile

skyedog · 04/07/2016 20:57

I also think that if people really care about you friends/family they will make an effort to come to the wedding whether you have children there or not. Whatever you do, not everyone will be able to make it.

lisaboo83 · 04/07/2016 21:06

YANBU at all.
I've been to loads of weddings and I think the majority have been child free. Most of our friends got married before they had children - I think maybe if you had children of your own then it would be more likely you'd invite other children but if you don't then wouldn't? Hmm
We had a mainly child free wedding - only exceptions were our goddaughter (who was 9 at the time and is quite grown up for her age - her grandma came to pick her up early evening once she was tired/bored), and we said it was ok for one friend to bring her 8 week old baby as she was breastfeeding - I just asked her to leave the ceremony/speeches if he was crying (which he actually didn't) and she was absolutely fine with that (again grandparents picked the baby up for a few hours in the evening so that the mum & dad could stay a bit longer).
We only had one person not come to the wedding because they couldn't bring their kids, but they did live quite far away so it was a shame but completely understandable. Lots of our other friends who live quite far away still came without their kids though, no problems or complaints at all. But given most of them got married before they had kids and didn't invite any to their weddings they'd be slightly hypocritical to have any issues with it when we did the same a few years later!!!
Just do whatever feels right for you as a couple. Your friends and family will understand and will just want you to have a perfect wedding day Smile
Also I think people understand that it's such a big financial burden. Nobody is going to hold it against you if you decide not to invite children (and if they do then perhaps they are not worth bothering with anyway!)