To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

[WanderingNotLost]

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

I think it goes both ways Mitzy. I have kids and in the past we have had to turn down invites to child free weddings. It was done with no will, just "we'll have to sit this one out".

I would get cheesed off if a bride and groom take offence if it's a no, as some of them do. Some people who haven't had kids yet think you can just magic a babysitter out of the Yellow Pages.

And fwiw, we had 9 children at our wedding. 2 were put to bed in the hotel and gps aunts/uncles took it in turns to sit with them, a couple of them fell asleep on chairs in the room and the others kept dancing till the end, when they were carried home/hotel room by their parents. I am glad they were there, they were well behaved and were good company/entertainment to other guests.
I would be a bit miffed to get a wedding invite where my children weren't invited and we would have t be pretty close for m to attend, especially if there was travel involved.

It's wedding, there's no bad form here.
I have not been to child free weddings twice when mine were very small and couldn't leave them
due to bfing. I felt it was a shame because I wanted to go, but didn't mind and understood

Well that's perfectly understandable MissBattleaxe, people who have child free weddings have to be aware that it just won't suit lots of people. And they're idiots of they get in a huff over it. But I was referring to the pp who said they'd end a friendship if their children weren't invited. That is very odd behaviour indeed.

It's definitely not U to want a child free wedding. Most of the weddings are child free (except babes in arms).
BUT, if your main concern is cost, you won't be saving much by not having 16 children. I don't think this is really about cost - you are worried that those with kids would leave early and spoil the party. Yes, they might. However, if they have babysitters at home they might also leave early.
Ultimately this is your big day, so you and your fiancée should make the decision together and speak with your respective families. Communication is key! If by having a child free wedding you manage to annoy your families, don't save any money and end up with people leaving early anyway, you may wish you had done things differently. Only you know your families and how they are likely to react!

Yes it is odd. I would never end a friendship over it.

And that is why I don't enjoy children at weddings. They get a sugar overdose, take over the dancefloor and photobooth and parents often nowhere to be seen.

A few thoughts, some overlapping with previous points:
It is your wedding and you and your dp should do what weekends best for you and your budget. (For us that also meant trying to meet the needs of various sensitive family members, which seemed important to us at the time but which was apparently completely unappreciated by those concerned)
I love kids at weddings. They change the feel for sure... Depends if that's in a way that you like. Dp's thoughts should also count too - I hate ' is all about the bride'. If he's grossly outnumbered by your family maybe consider them his.
I have tried to take my young kids to wind and get them to sleep in a buggy/ corner. Older than this depends in the kids (and parents)
Whatever you decide, please don't paint excluding the kids as being for the parents' benefit. Just be honest it's about size etc.
On that note, my cousin was in a similar position and asked for no kids but, because our babysitting got lost under very gloomy circumstances she let us bring ours to keep us there so maybe a wee bit flexibility...?

I really think that almost all of the bad feelings towards child free weddings comes from the wording and those god awful poems (honestly, do brides-to-be not read the internet? how are people STILL sending the same shite considering how hated they are?)

I prefer a wedding full of all ages having fun together, however it's one day, and if for that day on that person's wedding it's child free, that's absolutely not a problem. I'ld probably not go TBH if it wasn't local, but without bad feeling and I'ld still be glad to have been asked, would graciously back out and spend the money saved by not going on an extra nice gift.

HOWEVER it really cannot be said enough times: DO NOT SAY YOU ARE HAVING A CHILD FREE WEDDING TO GIVE YOUR FRIENDS A "NIGHT OFF", OR SO THEY CAN "RELAX" OR SO THEY CAN "LET THEIR HAIR DOWN. It's just stupid, everyone knows that people who have child free weddings do so because they want a child free wedding, don't dress it up as a favour - if you really intended to do me a favour of giving me a night out, you'ld offer to babysit some time!

Just be honest
And if you want child free, go for it, but OWN IT, Don't BS me that you're doing me some sort of favour

It's the BS that often accomplanies child free weddings that gives child free weddings a bad name! It really is!

Oh and OP, don't send that email for goodness sake: You'll get mixed responses and then you'll have to do the opposite of some people's responses… it's just a recipe for disaster. Just do it or don't do it and let people know

Hi at my wedding in Cyprus their were loads of children including my step daughter, I know if she couldn't have attended we would not have got married their also we would have had hardly any guests, but we had a night do and children were invited their was 100 people but the ones with children had left by 9.30. I've been weddings where children havnt been invited and now having a child of my own to I know some of my freinds who have no one to baby sit for them if I don't so if I said no kids they would not have been able to come. I have known a few people ( freinds of freinds ) who have got married abroad and lots of people have chosen to attend with their partners and not take their kids.

I've been to child free weddings and had to leave early. I didn't mind, but it would have been much easier for me to be able to bring DS. I really get annoyed by the "it'll be nice to have a night off and let your hair down" argument that has been used to sell it to me though in the past. I don't want a night off!! DS is one if my two best people in the world, why would I want to leave him behind? I think it is so rude to imply that looking after your own kids is work and they are doing you this massive favour by forcing a no children rule to give you a "break" (from what, being able to spend the weekend together as a family after a week at work/nursery) instead of just saying bring them if you like... And breathe!!!

YANBU to want a child free wedding. We wanted to do it that way but as DH has grandchildren and I have God children it wasn't really possible. We didn't invite any children to the evening party though - any that were invited to the day could stay if the parents wanted to but no more in the evening.

Its not bad form to have a child free wedding, but it is bad form to be cross with parents if they decline your invitations.

Someone I thought was a good mate invited me to their child-free wedding and was cross because I couldn't leave my 3 month old breastfed baby, despite me explaining that I'd been failing miserably to get him to drink expressed milk from a bottle. They wouldn't make an exception, and yet I was the bad friend.

But even now the kids are old enough to be left, a wedding needs someone who will look after them for a long period of time, and without nearby relatives who are young/well enough to cope with the chaos, it would be either very expensive to hire someone, or involve a lot of driving about the country to drop them where they could be looked after. All in all I'd still be most likely to turn the invite down unless it was my dearest friend in all the world. But she would invite us all!

In an odd twist on your expectation, one of DH's friends had a child-free wedding day, which we said we couldn't make for childcare reasons, so it was suggested that we come with the kids to the evening only. We turned up for the evening reception, had a fab time and stayed very late - it was me that felt tired before the DC!

My db wanted his nieces & nephews at his wedding but bitch sil didn't & to make matters worse she originally did - got the kids all excited etc then decided she didn't and she got her own way. I doubt she'll have kids herself though & she just doesn't see children as important or people of worth. Very sad for db

Hi, I don't think YABU to want a child-free wedding, but some people may not be able to come / stay late so you have to take that into account.

As other posters have said, it could potentially create bad feeling so maybe not worth it?

We had our reception at the St Bart's pub on Smithfield market (was known as the Distillers then) and it was brilliant - capacity 120 so you might be ok, especially as you'll inevitably have a few people who can't make it (you can also have up to 200 after the meal when everyone's standing)

Good luck!

YANBU it's your wedding so your choice. But please give lots of notice and make it clear from the start that children are not invited. My niece got married two years ago (I have one sister, not many other relatives) and the 4 grandchildren were very excited about going, and getting new outfits, particularly my then 10yo granddaughter. I happened to text my niece about something quite near to the date of the wedding and was shocked that she 'mentioned' sorry no kids at the reception. Ended up with us all going to the wedding and me taking all the kids home while my 3 DC and their spouses went to the reception. It turned out that some children were invited, just not my DGC. It certainly has strained relationships but I feel if she had stated at the outset that no children were invited and stuck to it we'd have understood.

Yanbu. You are paying for the wedding so do what you want. Some kids are little shots who ruin weddings with their bad behaviour.

Id have a child free wedding . If we get invited to weddings we don't take the kids . If we would have to take them we would leave about 9/9.30 pm x

YANBU to have a childfree wedding. That is fine. But YABU to make your DP potentially uncomfortable about his wedding - is your massive Irish family more important than the children of said family and friends? It depends a bit on how far people have to travel. IME people with children don't leave that early from a wedding, especially if it's just a short taxi ride home. Realistically, attending a child-free wedding involves leaving children with a family member or good friend, not just a 'sitter' as it is a long time involving meals, bedtimes etc. So how many of these potential child minders would also be invited to your wedding? If you do go for child free, do not get huffy if the people with kids are not able to come - at least this will reduce the cost!

And, as many others have said, don't sell it as a night off when it is all about cost and worry about guests leaving early. Because telling guests they can't bring kids often creates more stress and, importantly, expense for your guests.

I know this doesn't answer your question directly, but I wouldn't come if my kids weren't invited. We don't have anyone to leave them with overnight.

Good point also was made about that if its child free or some people are invited to bring children and some aren't. We attended a child free wedding and were surprised and to be honest upset when other children were there. when I asked I was told that some people couldn't get child care ! So I was thinking my daughter could be here enjoying her time with us, which is precious to us as I work at a hospital and hubby also works weekends. My thoughts on weddings are they have so much potential to cause long term rifts that I think that if it was purely like you say about a budget and your hubby to be really wants kids their I think I would compromise the idea of service at something like 4 then hog roast was good idea. I think that I'm just taking from my experience my mums got a massive family who don't live local so things like family weddings are so special to us as we don't get to see each other very often, but I also have freinds who don't invite family as they say they don't see them from one year to the next.

I've got a kid and I never feel put out when people don't invite kids. It's an expense. I get it. I got married before everyone started having kids so didn't have the same problem. Dd has a way better time at her grandparents anyway. She was a bridesmaid at my sils wedding last year and my mum came to pick her up at 7pm. She was exhausted and ready for home. If my mum hadn't come to get her we would have had to leave.

Getting a babysitter for a wedding can be really expensive because of the time involved, sometimes more than 12 hours.

Would you consider having some but not all of the children? On the one hand it can be tricky having to choose but if your criteria are really clear it is an option.

When we got married a few years ago we could not accommodate everyone's children because of the size of the venue so we had nieces and nephews of the bride and groom, breastfed babies/babes in arms and two children who had just been adopted and needed to be with their parents. We told other guests that we were sorry and explained reasons. No one seemed to have a problem with it.

It is impossible to please everyone when planning a wedding and while YANBU for thinking about child free wedding a compromise may be worthwhile.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. We had a child free wedding & we had 2 children when we got married!!!

When we booked our wedding none of our siblings or friends had children..we were the first to have children. The only children in both sides of the family (apart from our son) were my aunts 3 horribly naughty boys. I mentioned to her that we weren't going to invite children & she said it was a fantastic idea & wanted an evening away from her boys!!!
I ended up falling pregnant as did my sister so ended up with 2 babies under 3 months & our older son who was 6. We now have allot more family/friends with children so may do it slightly different now but it worked perfectly for us at the time. Do what's right for you!

Thanks so much for all the responses folks. It seems pretty split down the middle!

Just to reiterate, it's not that my DP wants to have children at the wedding- he could take it or leave it where they're concerned, to be honest- but he thinks it would be rude not to invite them.

We would allow babes in arms- we have several friends who are expecting atm.

It is really an issue of budget and capacity- I know I asked about people leaving early with kids but that's a secondary concern really. We've found a pub we really like which is restricted to about 110 seated and can do £60p/p with no hire fee. Even if it's half price for children, that's roughly £500 we could avoid spending if we make it grown-ups only.

We wouldn't suggest that we're doing parents a favour. We'd say it's due to capacity limitations.