To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

[WanderingNotLost]

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

It is impossible to please everyone when planning a wedding

It's actually not. Not if you communicate effectively!

Look, when people get upset that some children were invited, but not theirs, when you delve into it it's often because they weren't expecting to turn up and see other people's children there when they'ld moved heaven and earth to get theirs minded for the day!
Or because it wasn't clear that their children weren't invited at first.

When people get upset about weddings with absolutely no children, it often boils down to bad wording upsetting them, the "let your hair down" bollocks

This OP runs the risk of seriously upsetting people, NOT because she's wanting a child free wedding, but because she's being wishy-washy about it and emailing people "what do you think" instead of just making a decision with her DH and then LETTING PEOPLE KNOW so they're clear about what's happening

If you are clear, and HONEST (including OWNING your reasoning and not fobbing it off as a favour) and people know right from the save-the-date (so that they don't get their kids hopes up), it's usually fine

People get upset when they feel messed around, or when their expectations don't match what ends up happening

We wouldn't suggest that we're doing parents a favour. We'd say it's due to capacity limitations.

Cross posted with you OP
I'ld add to the above that it's babes in arms, so then people with toddlers know to expect that and aren't "huh? why are there other babies here and not ours?" on the day

I had a child free wedding (at time not many friends had kids)
I have kids now
I'd still have a child free wedding except those specifically we wanted there eg God children
I've been to weddings with my v well behaved kids
It's hard work
We have to leave early or someone has to go to hotel room early whilst other is pissed downstairs and wakes everyone coming in 'quietly' ...
We've said no to weddings we can't get sitters for or have gone just one of us.
Also have been to just ceremony and for a quick drink having had a sitter for day
It all depends on how far away it is
But if you don't want kids don't have them- like I say if we got married now and had kids attend the guest list for our same wedding again would be at least double- we seem to have friends who have 3 & 4 kids 😯

To add to that recent invite was great from communication point-

We really hope that you can join us and celebrate our day, however as space is tight and numbers limited we can only accommodate specifically named invited children - many thanks for your understanding and hope you can join us!

At the end of the day it is your decision. My cousin (fathers are brothers) doesn't have children ato any of her parties. The only children at her wedding were cousins from her mothers side (then aged 12, 8 and 5) I couldn't go as I am a single parent with a then 11, 5 and 3 year old. All my babysitters had been invited. Her 30th and 40th was the same. The only children were her own 9 and 6 year olds. It has caused bad feeling with us because they weren't totally kid free functions and my children are her family too. Have your wedding your way but be careful x

We had a child free wedding but we only had a small wedding 50 guests during the day and 120 at night. As I didn't get married until I was 35 most of our friends and two or three children. We intended to get married at 3pm and carry on so we asked the day guests what they thought and as they could all get sitters easily they all agreed and told us to definitely not invite the kids. It was a perfect day.
However, we would have struggled to attend a wedding without kids and are lucky if we go out together once or twice a year. My biL got married his wife to be was Irish and ours were the only two kids invited they were flower girl and Paige boy. Just as well they were invited as it was a wedding away just after Christmas and I wouldn't have been able to attend.

We really hope that you can join us and celebrate our day, however as space is tight and numbers limited we can only accommodate specifically named invited children - many thanks for your understanding and hope you can join us!

Thumbs up from me!

Tbh i don't think having child free saves loads in the long run and it didn't go down well when my daughter wasn't invited to her uncles wedding. I would never expect a child to be invited to a friends wedding but immediate family then yes. How many children are you talking? It is complete personal preference but sometimes children create atmosphere at a wedding. I usually decline my child when it's non family or get them to be picked up by family before the evening do if in the area. At my
Wedding I had 7 kids- both my cousins with babies aged 3 and under said don't bother ordering food. i capped kids at my nieces and nephews and my cousins children (not everyone wants to bring kids to their wedding!) but in terms of money saving then I think you need to look at other aspects.
Buy wine from France - if family is going there. £2 a bottle! Corkage made it £12 per bottle drunk- saved myself £5 a bottle. Looked for deals with prosecco saved myself £6 per bottle. Made invites and decorations and cake myself. Got talented friends to sing and play guitar. Made a diy photo booth. Didn't have a wedding car- no one sees them, purely for photos. Had a dj not a band. Centrepieces don't have to be expensive. Fairy lights and candles go a long way. Bridesmaid dresses from
High street. Grooms man gifts and other bits and bobs ordered from China. So many ways to save money. But ultimately if you feel comfortable not having children then stick to it. You're the ones that will have to deal with your guests if they start complaining

It's not bad form, just your choice. But it will probably upset some people if their children aren't invited! Plus, if people are travelling and staying overnight, then it's not always easy to leave your kids - it's not an evening babysitting, it's a weekends childcare. My dD is 6 now, and she's been to a few weddings with us and always had a ball. Her first evening do she was 3 and was dancing the night away until about 10 pm at which point I took her away and dh stayed on til the end. Age 5, she did 2 evening do's and saw both of them to the end, one til 9ish and one til 11 ish. Tbh, she lasted much later than the elderly rellies, many of whom don't last into the evening at all. So I don't think your guests will all vanish at bedtime. But if you don't want children, disinvite them and be prepared for some of the parents not to come at all. If you want to keep your numbers/ costs down, do you have to invite so many of your cousins? Even though they are close in terms of relationship, are you close to them? If not, don't invite them.

I'm 53 and have never been to a wedding where children were present. In our family and social circles weddings and the following dinners/receptions are considered adult events and no one would dream of bringing a baby or child. Those who can't leave their kids for whatever reason simply do not attend.

I recall at about age 8 my uncle was being married; my siblings and I were taken by grandparents to the church service, dressed nicely in frocks and patent-leather shoes, sat in the back, greeted by aunt and uncle after they left the church and then we and grandparents (not the parents of the groom) took us home for the night. Uncle had invited us to the ceremony but no one expected us to be invited to the dinner - including us!

Kids are a distraction and if parents have to miss a few weddings while the kids are little (should they choose not to hire baby sitters) well, those are the breaks. Rather that than drag down the ambience for everyone else.

There are certainly some cousins I'd prefer to have over others, but I only have one cousin who doesn't have children, and one cousin who is an only child, so I'd be choosing between siblings.

We got married last year and had our neices/nephews but invited no other children not in arms of friends or family. We had a limit of 135 due to venue and sent out 144 invites, we had two close friends ask if they could bring their children (2 in total) as they where flying in for it. We said we hoped they could and would let them know once the rvsp date was reached and we knew where we where with our numbers as realistically there was a number limit and due to the venue health and safety etc we couldn't surpass it. Luckily 126 people could come and so we had enough room so that they could bring their kids. So in my experience if they are stuck or want to bring their kids then they will ask and then you can go from there. It's a celebration of you getting married so do what you feel is best for you, not everyone else! It's your and your hubby to be day and please remember that, as sometimes it can all get out of hand.

It's not a question of who is being U. Have children there or don't have them , it's just a personal choice what you want for your own wedding, it doesn't make you unreasonable one way or the other.
We've been to plenty with kids and plenty without and had a great time at both. We went child free for our own wedding as like you OP, we had over 150 guests and inviting DC's would have meant there were about 30 kids there.
Like it or not that many children changes the feel of the day, that choir you've paid a fortune to sing in the church gets interrupted by screaming children, they're running around in the reception, it's just not the classy , slightly self indulgent event you'd planned.
We compromised in the end and invited only those children that we know in their own right , children that do actually see us occasionally without simply being dragged along by parents. We've a couple of nephews who regularly stay the weekend, a slightly older nephew who loves coming over and helping me out on the farm and going shooting with me, etc...
I think we ended up with about 6 or 7 and it was fine.

If people get all arseholes with you , well fuck em, it's your wedding day and the one day in your life that you are allowed to have everything just as you want it!

Although if you do go child free you need to accept that some people will not come and you can't really hold it against them.

It depends what is most important to you. For us having all the people we loved to share our special day - and if that means kids too then so be it.
For our wedding we didn't invite kids except for wedding party and guests who were coming from overseas (as obvs babysitters would be more difficult for the to arrange). As it happened a few asked specifically if they could bring their kids anyway and w explained that if they wanted I have, child free day/night they could but if they'd prefer to bring their kids/couldn't find sitters then "of course"! At all times having people we love there was most important factor. From what would've been 50 kids (if all guests brought kids) we had about 12...

We've been invited to an overseas wedding this November without kids. Very hard to figure out how we'll go TBH and they're good friends of DH so it's awkward. And if we have babysitters there we'd still leave early as we'll be up at crack of dawn with kids anyway so it's not like it'll be worth risking getting too sloshed for (far too painful to deal with kids next day otherwise).

It's your wedding so you ANBU if you don't want kids there but I'd figure out if having your family there at all is most important.

I find the posts about children 'ruining the ambience' and 'taking away the classyness' really sad! (I appreciate this is not your view OP). We had about 20 kids at our wedding (under 10s, most under 6), we had garden games to entertain them, and they were absolutely brilliant, they had fun, danced the night away, and yes there were a few sqwalks during the ceremony but to me a wedding is a whole family occasion not a chance to showcase a perfect performance! That said, we didn't have the issue with numbers, and I completely understand that that's the reason a lot of people say no to kids- and I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think people take offence too easily over weddings- the bride and groom have the right to do whatever they want- guests can choose to go or not go, equally the couple cannot themselves be upset if people choose to turn the invitation down.

As others have said the choice is yours and DP's to make. What I did was invite children from family but not friends. Except one friends newborn baby. For an all day/all night wedding (including getting ready/travel etc) the only people you can generally rely on to sort kids out for the entire day and night is your family so its if a family wedding you then can't go. Also for family weddings, the other guests are usually interested in the children.
Friends children can then be potentially looked after their own family if that's the kind of help they have. Or can choose not to come.
I had a room that I filled with toys and had 2 nursery staff cone and attend so parents could get time away from children off and on.

We invited nieces, nephews and babes in arms only, we also ended up with another 2 year old on the day though as one of the parents was away.

Just make it really clear with the Save the Date who is invited. We received one addressed to me and DH so assumed children weren't invited and declined - but it transpired they were.

Anyone bar immediate family who gets annoyed by a child free wedding, whether a guest or a bride/groom if people decline, is a bloody cockwomble.

Yanbu. We did not have children. Husband not overly happy as he wanted his 3 nephews but there were 11 nieces n nephews my side and he wasn't mad about that. All was fine.
I have to say I'm not keen on other people's children and honestly think it's fine not to have them. Who you have is your business.

I think some young parents are too precious about their children and assume they are entitled to bring them everywhere.
Frankly, who can't organise childcare? (Well, our first was profoundly disabled with epilepsy so it was on knees asking respite unit..)

We're Irish btw living in UK.

I'd go to a child free wedding if I could get a babysitter and I guess that's the issue - some probably won't be able to come for that reason. But I wouldn't object to it as it's not my wedding and therefore not my choice. Wedding invitations are usually sent out months in advance so providing people know about it and have enough notice, there's more time to arrange babysitters.

We had a child free wedding. We were child free at the time and to be absolutely honest, it would have never occurred to me to have children at ours.

Now when we're invited to a wedding, I always assume it was child free. Babysitter availability will determine our attendance but we try to go.

Me & hubby had a child free wedding to which friends had to make arrangements, you could say maybe family only with kids but if family is big then a blanket rule I feel would be fair. We're going to a wedding in nov to which our children are not invited, to which we know family who are children will be attending... But we are not offended and as you say looking forward to a day & night away to ourselves.
Hope that helps... Flashbacks to the politics of organising weddings at least your controlling the budget. Inlaws chipped into ours at the end on the bases they invited their mates.

Just a comment on the people leaving early thing. We had kids at our wedding (around 10 under 10s out of a total of 85). Our ceremony was earlier in the day than yours (midday) and so the meal was done by 5 pm or so. People with kids started leaving around 6, everyone with young kids had left by 8-9 or so though in some cases one parent stayed behind on their own. But other people also left around 8 because they had a long drive back, or were elderly, or didn't know very many people, or didn't like dancing, or just were early to bed sorts. My point is that you can't control when any of your guests leave, once the meal is over.

As a parent now, if we got an invitation to a child-free wedding, we wouldn't mind, but unless we were very close friends or family of the couple, only one of us would go. Actually I would be less bothered by that than a wedding invitation that said that babysitters/crèche would be provided at the wedding, as I'd feel then that the expectation would be for DS (2.3) to be looked after there by strangers - he'd scream his head off at being left with unfamiliar people. (I know this isn't the question you were asking though).

I had a child free wedding for the same reasons. Only children of family members were invited. All of my friends did the same as well. I don't think it's offensive or bad form. Each guest costs money and if you don't have the budget or your venue doesn't hold enough people then you have to make cuts somewhere. Unless it's family I'd never take my daughter to a wedding anyway - it's a chance to have a day and night out

I got married over 30 years ago and wanted a child-free wedding, but was pressurised into allowing kids. OP, go for what you want, not for what people pressure you into.