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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't bad form to have a child free wedding?

388 replies

WanderingNotLost · 02/07/2016 00:51

DP and I have started tentatively making wedding plans- we're paying for the whole thing ourselves and so will be on a pretty tight budget, and at present the guest list runs to 127 people (the biggest chunk of that being my massive Irish family). Believe it or not that is the essentials.

As a way of saving some money I suggested we make it a child-free wedding. DP thus far is not a fan of this idea, as a) he thinks it's bad form to say 'you can't bring your kids to our wedding' and b) if the people with kids can't bring their kids they just won't come.
I've pointed out that plenty of people have child-free weddings, quite often it's nice for the grown-ups to have a night off and let their hair down and get nicely sloshed and if we do have kids there, we run the risk of everyone who is there with kids leaving early to put said offspring to bed.

Looking for a consensus here- who is being U??

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 03/07/2016 18:00

It's not bad form to have a childfree wedding as long as you accept that it may mean some people can't come.

It's bad form to choose to marry in the middle of nowhere, set times that make an overnight stay essential, not invite children AND then get super-bitchy when people can't come because they don't have overnight childcare.

Marysunshine · 03/07/2016 18:01

Your wedding - do what suits you. Many weddings are child free and parents appreciate having an adult celebration without having to cope with tired and often bored children. Some adults will not be able to come because of childcare issues, other adults will be pleased there are not children running in and out of the tables. Each to their own - but it's what you and your husband feel comfortable with that matters.

Lovingit81 · 03/07/2016 18:17

I personally hate 'child free' weddings. I think weddings are about families and saying little ones can't come is a bit mean and makes it difficult for the parents and defeats the object of the wedding being celebrated by your loved ones. However it's your day so you should do what suits you best. You'll always offend someone ;) X

keelsrocco · 03/07/2016 18:20

I really truly think every bride should have the wedding that they want. I really regret bowing down to pressures for my wedding.

If a child-free wedding would make you happier / less stressed then go for it! It's yours and hubby to be's wedding, no one else's!

WanderingStar1 · 03/07/2016 18:21

My SB recently had a child free wedding and as it was 4 hours away, it meant two of his 4 step siblings couldn't go! I looked after my DB's DD so they could go, and my DSis's DH had family nearby who were able to have their children, but it was completely impossible for us. My Stepmum said the local hotels could maybe provide babysitting services - but how can you leave 8 year old twins with strangers all day (and my DS is autistic so even more not an option)? That said - I have no problem with them choosing the no kids option - they are young and most of their friends are child-free - but they needed to understand that by doing so they were effectively uninviting some of us. (We went to a cousin's Silver wedding recently where they very generously let us bring the children for exactly these reasons - and we had a great time and the children danced until midnight, so no early leaving for us!). I would also suggest checking which children might actually want food - lots may be fussy or happy with a few nibbles off parents' plates, so they don't necessarily need expensive catered meals!

Sciurus83 · 03/07/2016 18:22

Just been through all this, we had children there but there wasn't a space issue and we didn't have to pay for their meals. If any of those things was an issue I would've had no children. We don't have kids ourselves and there ended up being 17 there out of aroind 150 guests. It was fine as big space for running around but I would definitely say do what you want to do and don't worry about trying to accommodate every last person's needs. If people can't come they can't come, whatever the reason be it child care or expense or whatever and that's it, nothing for anyone to get upset about, as they say it's an invitation not a summons! Enjoy your day!!

Expat777 · 03/07/2016 18:22

Be careful you may not have a mass exodus at 9 because a large number of people who didn't want to come. You risk offending family members. Is it worth it?

MudCity · 03/07/2016 18:26

I had a child free wedding. Had we invited children, it would have almost doubled the guest numbers and there was no way we could afford that (or would have wanted that) We would have also needed to find a bigger venue which would have been a much further distance from the church. Our decision did mean that one of my friends couldn't come due to having three young children and child care issues but there was no guarantee she would have come anyway. Another friend came but without her husband who stayed at home with their children.

I think deciding on a child free wedding is totally reasonable...your friends and family will understand and, in fact, many of our friends were really pleased it was an adult-only occasion!

nick247 · 03/07/2016 18:29

My sister had a child free wedding, a few of our cousins could not make it because they would have had to travel a long way and stay overnight, and could not leave their children with sitters for this length of time ( bearing in mind that their own family would also be attending.) A few years later when my sister had kids she was complaining when invited to child free wedding , saying she wouldn't bother going if her previous offspring were not welcome!!!!

Lozzamas · 03/07/2016 18:30

I don't buy this it's 2 family's coming together -Queen Victoria died at the turn of the century. It's about 2 people who want some friends, close family and the obligatory hanger on wider family to share THEIR day. What is most important is you 2 agree what you both want as it is about your marriage, your memories etc. I totally get that some can't come or choose not to - that's up to them. Me I didn't allow children apart from a niece who was a bridesmaid anyway, and I haven't been to a wedding that had child guests for about 20 years - it's just too expensive to cater for the extended list and to kit them out to attend, they won't enjoy some distant relative or Mums friends do anyway. You can't be worrying about who will do what at 9:30 or when they get an invite. Decide what day you want/ are prepared to pay for and go for it, it's their job to fit in with your invite.. With the option they may not wish to I.e. Decline the invite, or may go home to their children earlier than you may wish.. But you 2 must agree what day you want first, we can't help you with that - it's about your shared vision - all we can help with is to say if that's what you 2 agree sod everyone else go for it.

emmakc1977 · 03/07/2016 18:36

We've just come back from a wedding today. It was 1.5 hours away so we stayed in family room of b&b. I left at 9pm with kids but dh stayed til midnight when it finished. If you don't have kids I think kid free is fine but generally once u have kids these kind of events u are more welcome to children. I don't think there's a wrong or right, your wedding your choice. If people want to go they will get a sitter, if they don't they won't come. What annoys me is when people say no kids but then let close friends or relatives take there's so either all kids or none in my book

worrierandwine · 03/07/2016 18:40

My best friend had a child free wedding other than her own child and immediate nieces and nephews of bride and groom, most of whom were in the wedding as flower girls, bridesmaids, page boys etc. I didn't mind this at all and totally understood as children had been allowed the venue would have been overloaded and her wedding bill astronomical. She did have one friend however who completely spat the dummy out and they no longer speak. Depending on size of family and age of children I don't see how else a wedding can be done nowadays.

Floey · 03/07/2016 18:40

Absolutely fine. I have been to many child free weddings and had a great time. It is your day, do what you want

FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose · 03/07/2016 18:44

I think ywbu.

I have 2 young children so yes, I would leave early, but if they weren't invited then I wouldn't come at all. My youngest is breastfeeding, which would make it even harder.

Defending on your venue it might be less of an issue than you think. If it's close to hotels etc, then just one parent might go early with the kids. If it's a barn in the outer Hebrides and the nearest hotel is a fair drive away, then that changes things.

Whatever you decide, be fair to your fiance!

RayofFuckingSunshine · 03/07/2016 18:48

I understand where you're coming from. I never get precious over wedding invitations that say no children, mainly because it is their day and entirely their choice and that should be respected.

I also never go to child free weddings. It would cause me such a headache logistically (and financially for babysitters which are not bloody cheap), and I can't be bothered with the fuss. I usually send a card and present and wish them well, but family or not - no kids, no me.

a1poshpaws · 03/07/2016 18:50

It's your wedding, and your choice ... frankly I prefer no kids at weddings, but I have an uncle who was affronted at getting an invite for him and his daughter where his grand-kids were excluded because of the no kids rule. It's a tricky one ... in the end I'd go with whichever of you feels strongest - at the moment it seems to be your DP.

nectarini1983 · 03/07/2016 18:54

Not at all! Do it! Much as I love the opportunity for my 3 kiddies to come to a wedding/ family birthdya/ engagement etc it does often mean 5 new outfits and a night 'on duty'. A kid free invite = guilt free grown up time for me to let my hair down!

I'm lucky though as we have very obliging grandparents which make such rare treats a possibility.

supermoonshine · 03/07/2016 18:56

I had a child free wedding....well nearly child free. WE only invited our nephews and nieces, friend's children weren't invited. This was purely down to costs as a lot of our friends and cousins have children. Everyone was fine with it, I had no complaints and everyone stayed late so go ahead and have the wedding you want

LumpsMum · 03/07/2016 19:12

We are invited to a friend's wedding in September. We will travel on the day and stay for a night. Funnily enough she pointed out she'd love DS, who's 3, to come. I was delighted to be given the choice. We opted to have a weekend off with MIL looking after him. But having the choice was what made it a pleasure to accept their invitation.

dansmum · 03/07/2016 19:15

Is it possible with adults only morning ceremony and lunch( with extended family to watch the kids for an hour or two) then a big party for everyone in the afternoon.
We had a child free wedding as the venue was not child friendly and our budget tiny. Neither of hubby's brothers cane 'on principle' and my friend brought her baby along( not B/f no reason..she just decided to bring him on the day) and it caused a mahoosive row.
Imho..if you have a mahoosive family ...with lots of children , make provision for them somewhere in your day to keep the peace - or- elope and skype from abroad..just the two of you then come back to a big family hooley. Family members have looooong memories in my experience!

pamhill64 · 03/07/2016 19:25

I've been to lots of party's and a few weddings with kids there. I don't find kids flag as much as you'd expect and are often running around or playing in the garden even in the dark, whilst very little ones are crashed out in prams or along bench seating! Quite the opposite of those leaving to get home before midnight when they have to pay extra for the babysitter lol. Have what you want but kids can add a charm and informality to a wedding that's quite lovely imo but make sure it's a joint decision with your future hubby

Expat777 · 03/07/2016 19:27

I agree with dansmum. Careful you have many years ahead some family members have long memories. Especially as groom's not keen on kid free.

MissBattleaxe · 03/07/2016 19:30

Is it possible with adults only morning ceremony and lunch( with extended family to watch the kids for an hour or two) then a big party for everyone in the afternoon. That sounds much harder to arrange than child free!

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/07/2016 19:35

I have no strong feelings either way on whether a wedding is child free or not. I've been to both sorts and enjoyed both sorts. I do think though that people who say they would end a friendship if sent an invite that excluded their kids are weird as fuck.

Maryann1975 · 03/07/2016 19:44

To me, the fact you are funding the wedding yourselves is irrelevant. What his says to me is that you don't want to astle your own money on paying for children to come to your wedding. If someone else/parent was funding it you would have no problem spending their money on a massive do. I don't really like that kind of attitude tbh.