To feel really angry at my MIL and want to avoid her at all costs

[Fedupd0tcom]

Hi everyone.

I'm just feeling very alone right now and have just had enough.

I just can't deal with my MIL and I never want to see her again! There, I've said it.

My DH knows but obvs he adores her cos she's his Mum and my LO adores her too. They see her when I'm at work. She makes a point of only seeing them when I'm at work.

For the past few years she's been the most hurtful MIL to me. She was alright with me before I married her son. Then she revealed her true colours. Annoyingly I'm the only person who's seen them. My DH always takes her side and says I'm over sensitive and she gets like a house on fire with her other DILs, except me. So everyone thinks I'm the one with the problem. But am I? AIBU?

I've tried being nice. Waste of time.

Am now going to vent even more.

When we first got married she'd come on most of our holidays with us. She'd ensure my DH would be out with her on a Sun...I was invited but she knew I couldn't as I had to work that day. I'd often spend that day alone.

Then she turned extra weird after our LO was born. Basically forced me into BF. Wouldn't give LO some top up formula when I was taking a desperate nap. Then made constant digs. Comparing me to all the other new mums we knew. Showering them all with praise but has never once, in many years, had anything positive to say about me as a Mum.

Then she'll never see my LO and I on our day off. Mostly because I've moaned to my DH that she let's FIL smoke and drink to excess in house and she should encourage him to get help. She enables him. Then we had a massive row a few years ago. My late Dad was v ill and needed lots of help and my Mum was getting v ill also and only I could help them. So she told me we'd be leaving him in a care home 'to die' if we put him in one. I've never ever forgiven her. My is now terminally ill and she rarely asks how she is. When we said we may have to move in with her as she needs care her response 'that's a v bad idea as she's a very rude person'....i'd only just lost my Dad and we had a stand up row over it. Since then we barely speak unless we have to. We are civil but I find it difficult to be around her.

Then I worry she's turned family against us. My BILs rarely see us. They never remember my bday...I'll cook a meal at ours and hold dinner parties for them and don't even get a bday wish on my bday. Maybe I'm being silly. dh thinks so.

Final straw came when mil went on about sil who recently joined our family being so 'slim and beautiful' on her wedding day. Sure barely mentioned how I looked on my wedding day...though i am fat so i suppose she thinks I looked appalling and I probably did. I'm the only fat one in the family. Her and her mum love to go on about how my SILs are 'so nice and slim'.

She rarely offers to babysit or help with my Mum. I just feel she is selfish.

Now on Sun I have to go to BILs bday bash. Make food for it. I've gotten gifts etc. dh asked me too. I feel v upset. Don't want to go. None of Dh brothers and sils even sent me a card. And not 1st time. Fed up. They all dislike me. Never see me. Fed up. They're all team mil. I can't stand her.

Wow OP... Just... Wow.

Well I think that answers my last point

Wow op how lovely

Hang on! The OP is grieving her father, caring for a chronically ill mother, has an unsupportive husband and a MIL who is at best tactless and at worst overbearing and mean. OP is finding this hard....and suddenly she has borderline personality disorder? And when she rejects that rather stiffly (as would I, in those circumstances!) She is attacked again?

People, take a look at yourselves. If the OP is very sensitive perhaps that is a rational response to feeling bulldozed and unsupported, moving from caring for one sick parent to another.

OP, I'm sorry.

OP is finding this hard....and suddenly she has borderline personality disorder? And when she rejects that rather stiffly (as would I, in those circumstances!) She is attacked again?

No it was suggested, not because her mil might be annoying. But because of all the other things she says. With the op saying got was a possibility. Then this morning she kicked off about it.

Not because she rejected it at all.

trying to pin labels over the Internet and a complicated one like bpd, really? gruffilo I bloody hope you don't professionally care for people with bpd IRL, you're out of order man

OP hide this thread it's not going to help you. Unfortunately you're not going to get the closeness you crave with your inlaws or your husband by the looks of it. See into looking outside in ways to boost your self confidence, that needs some tlc.

?? Enjoy kicking people when they're down?

She might have BPD, she might not.
She might have vile in laws, she might not.
She might be over sensitive, she might not.
She might be in an unsupportive marriage, she might not.
Perhaps we should be wary of this thread, perhaps not.

None of us know or can make that judgement online!
We do know she will be grieving and caring for a dying parent.
So perhaps try a little compassion? Yes that can be balanced with challenges to OPs viewpoint, but it's not a playground squabble you need to win.

Fedup you are incorrect in that assumption, I have fantastic relationships with my family. I live around the corner from my own parents, we visit regularly, we visit ILs at least monthly since they live further away and love them dearly and my DH and my family are off on holidays with my DBro and his family next month as examples.

The difference here though is that I do not expect my ILs and my family to have joined into one big family, that has not been a feature. We do not make huge fusses over birthdays except the very big ones so then there are are no perceived slights over who got what. No Christmas presents for me from ILs or DH from my family we do kris kindle within our own families. This is what I mean about keeping expectations low leaving little to get angry about so keeping personal relationships good. I am not saying this is exactly as it should be obviously plenty of other have other examples that work for them but within our families these are reasonable expectations.

Your definition of what constitutes happy family relationships led you to this hugely disappointed space. You initially expected way too much, probably due to cultural expectations and everytime it fell short you were frustrated and that probably showed making it more and more usual for them to keep their distance and their mistreatment turned from perceived slights to actual slights over the years.

I think it is you who needs to do a big reset in the relationship.

For you OP. You are grieving your ddad and caring for your sick dmum and the people who should be offering you love and support are not doing so.

I think you can rule out any of the above coming from MIL's direction. These things are obviously culturally subjective, personally I feel like when your child marries their spouse becomes part of your family and you should love and support them as you would your own child. Obviously not everyone here feels the same which is totally ok too. But I can see why you're disappointed. But I'd give up on this one and maintain polite r'ship with MIL and your in laws.

Your H on the other hand you do have reason to believe should be offering you his emotional nourishment. You need to talk to him about what you need from him, but leave the crappy ILs out of the discussion.

And finally you need some other support. Apart from your mum and lo do you have other family and friends you can rely on? If not maybe look into carers groups and ask your gp about support too. Try to take some time away from the family dynamic and do something for yourself, even if it's just a good book, colouring, freeing, sewing, whatever you can do (even if it's only 5mins at the end of the day). Better still something that gets you out and meeting people although I know myself that's not always possible with a lo at home.

Look after yourself OP and take it easy, it will get better x

Ps if your ils don't get you birthday pressies I wouldn't be buying any for them, your h can sort it. If he asks you to do it, tell him you're too busy or agree and then 'forget', or just get them something impersonal. Don't expend emotional energy where you won't get any in return!

I am asking, I've met many people in a hospital setting who work closely with patients with bpd and its forms and they are in the wrong job imo. I don't actually think the OP read that post properly before she agreed.

Would you say what you said in your posts IRL in front of a patient?

I see a sad, beaten down woman who feels alone in the world and probably has for a long time. I don't see bpd. A bit of kindness doesn't hurt.

I could hazard a guess to this, but won't