To feel really angry at my MIL and want to avoid her at all costs

[Fedupd0tcom]

Hi everyone.

I'm just feeling very alone right now and have just had enough.

I just can't deal with my MIL and I never want to see her again! There, I've said it.

My DH knows but obvs he adores her cos she's his Mum and my LO adores her too. They see her when I'm at work. She makes a point of only seeing them when I'm at work.

For the past few years she's been the most hurtful MIL to me. She was alright with me before I married her son. Then she revealed her true colours. Annoyingly I'm the only person who's seen them. My DH always takes her side and says I'm over sensitive and she gets like a house on fire with her other DILs, except me. So everyone thinks I'm the one with the problem. But am I? AIBU?

I've tried being nice. Waste of time.

Am now going to vent even more.

When we first got married she'd come on most of our holidays with us. She'd ensure my DH would be out with her on a Sun...I was invited but she knew I couldn't as I had to work that day. I'd often spend that day alone.

Then she turned extra weird after our LO was born. Basically forced me into BF. Wouldn't give LO some top up formula when I was taking a desperate nap. Then made constant digs. Comparing me to all the other new mums we knew. Showering them all with praise but has never once, in many years, had anything positive to say about me as a Mum.

Then she'll never see my LO and I on our day off. Mostly because I've moaned to my DH that she let's FIL smoke and drink to excess in house and she should encourage him to get help. She enables him. Then we had a massive row a few years ago. My late Dad was v ill and needed lots of help and my Mum was getting v ill also and only I could help them. So she told me we'd be leaving him in a care home 'to die' if we put him in one. I've never ever forgiven her. My is now terminally ill and she rarely asks how she is. When we said we may have to move in with her as she needs care her response 'that's a v bad idea as she's a very rude person'....i'd only just lost my Dad and we had a stand up row over it. Since then we barely speak unless we have to. We are civil but I find it difficult to be around her.

Then I worry she's turned family against us. My BILs rarely see us. They never remember my bday...I'll cook a meal at ours and hold dinner parties for them and don't even get a bday wish on my bday. Maybe I'm being silly. dh thinks so.

Final straw came when mil went on about sil who recently joined our family being so 'slim and beautiful' on her wedding day. Sure barely mentioned how I looked on my wedding day...though i am fat so i suppose she thinks I looked appalling and I probably did. I'm the only fat one in the family. Her and her mum love to go on about how my SILs are 'so nice and slim'.

She rarely offers to babysit or help with my Mum. I just feel she is selfish.

Now on Sun I have to go to BILs bday bash. Make food for it. I've gotten gifts etc. dh asked me too. I feel v upset. Don't want to go. None of Dh brothers and sils even sent me a card. And not 1st time. Fed up. They all dislike me. Never see me. Fed up. They're all team mil. I can't stand her.

Thank you WetPaint4. Yes I'd admit I'm being very sensitive. There are massive cultural differences. I'm from a community where 2 families join when you get married. Certainly finding this is not the case in my DHs culture. Which is fine. Just I feel incredibly alone. I've lost my Dad and am about to lose my Mum and then it's just my LO and I. FYI noone forced me into bfing. It's just I felt v pressurised into not giving it up by my DH and MIL. Also my DH begged my MIL into not waking me as id not slept straight for 5 days and had beginnings of pnd. Dh said please let her sleep and once of us can give lo top up. But she just barged into room and handed LO to me. Then went on about other mums she knew... oh they didn't bf like i bf my guys and their chn are obese and have health problems...of course I felt a pressure to continue....anyway I'm proud I did and should probably be thankful to her....you're all right. I'm dil from hell.

branofthemist....i have tried. But tbh Im v polite to her...apart from when she said my Mum was rude so we shouldn't move in with her. Or when she said we were leaving my Dad in a care home to die. More those weren't imagined slights and I have witnesses...my dh even stood up for me on those 2 occasions....

Dh said please let her sleep and once of us can give lo top up.

why didn't he just do it?

By my mil helping with my Mum i mean call her and ask her how she is occasionally. Maybe pop in and say hi. Not actually care for her. Just be friendly and kind. That is all.

I agree.

Pressed to soon.

I agree that you are expecting waaayyy too much.

I think if i just disappeared....that would be best.

No it would best if you spoke to your dh, honestly about how you feel. That you get your are over reacting, but why you feel the way you do.

And perhaps visit a go if you are feeling that low.

Visit your GP not go

I think your getting some harsh replies op. You are being over sensitive but your mil sounds difficult. With the Breast feeding it sounds like she was trying to be encouraging and help you in a direct manner which is hard a few days post birth.
Most of all you sound down and probably don't need a cyber-kicking like you're getting here.
You are married, your dh should be your friend enough so that he can sit and listen to how you are feeling and reassure you. I'm sure you're as 'good' as the other dils so hold your head up a bit, have a drink with some friends and forget about your mil.

You are being massively over sensitive op, which I think has probably caused your DH family to label you as "difficult" and high mantinance that's why they avoid you. Your expectations are much too high -you can't expect your MIL to help with your mum when you barely have a relationship with each other. You do come across as hard work. You don't HAVE to go to this party -you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Why not go and make a big effort though -talk to people, be friendly and try to build a relationship if you would like one.

I can tell you're from a different culture to your husband OP, maybe you need to start meeting new people, making some friends in a club or something that will help you feel. I've not heard of mothers becoming friends like that just because their children got married. It would be nice but it's not the norm, I think.

You'll have to hold your head up with your MIL, swallow her comments and appreciate yourself more. If you're polite to her, I cannot see why her family would be off with you.

The way you say your husband 'even stood up for you' on the occasions where she made insensitive comments about your parents suggests he's not likely to unless his mother is extremely hurtful and it shouldn't come to that.

Your dh is a wanker to let you go through this.
It isn't your ils it's your dh, he gives you no support and should be standing up for you, he can't make you go, he isn't your boss you know.
Stand up for yourself and tell dh to stand up for you or go and live with her. I'm so for you.

You have made your MIL responsible for your FIL's actions and for your BIL's actions, which I find a bit bizarre.

I think you are a bit over the top, in the nicest possible way

Btw, my dhs brothers or any of his family except his mum don't acknowledge my birthday at all. My sister doesn't send dh a card and I don't send her dh a card but tbf her dh hates our family!

Mil never offers to babysit or help out in any way shape or form but meh.

Just chill.

OK OP, you've learn your lesson regarding the AIBU board.
If you have any relationship problems, and MIL is included in that, then post on the 'relationships' board.
AIBU is great but it is far harsher over here!

I'm so sorry you've had a roasting op. I have experience of difficult IL's but I am always super polite to them when I see them (which thankfully is every couple of months!). There was one exception though! My daughter was in intensive care after open heart surgery and only 2 people were allowed at the bedside. I left to let IL's see her and when I came back mil had her on her lap cuddling her as if she was some sort of doting grandma (dd was still very out of it otherwise she would have screamed as she didn't know her very well). I hadn't even had the chance to hold her yet. I lost my shit (not in intensive care obviously as that would be very inappropriate). Mil acted all innocent to try and make me out to be the crazy one!
Anyway I know where you're coming from op- just be insanely polite to her and there is nothing she will be able to pick at you about.

I don't call and see my daughter in laws parents and they don't come to mine.

My marriage isn't great. Guess all ils see that. See me snapping at him. See me in a strop and always miserable. But then how else would I be...Few months after we got married my Dad was in hospital for 1yr....I found out he was terminally ill for years. Then few months after my LO was born I had severe pnd caused by flashbacks of abuse I'd had when a child... having entire ob/gyn team stare at my severe tear being sewn up bought it all back. I'm too scared to have another baby cos of it. Thn dh got seriously ill and needed surgery. I was there for him but mil was not. My fil was my rock at this time. He is only il I get on with. I make a fuss of his drinking etc out of love cos I'm scared i'll lose him too. He made such an effort to be friends with my Dad. Mil wouldn't fight for him to get op he needed....i had to do it....she didn't seem to care how ill she was and blamed me for his illness getting bad even tho I begged him to see Dr. Anyway on day of his op, fil and i fought for him to get due to nhs cuts...she went awol. My best friend helped me as my lo and i walked in the snow while he had op. Sorry aiu to think she should have been there when he had brain op? And his brothers could have asked if he was ok or seen him? One of them lived down the road. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Anyway after all that we grew massively apart. His Mum would just nag me to do more for him and never help or show gratitude. I think she helped once as I had to go to work. I was v grateful and thanked her but she was evidently massively put out by it. Then my Dad got v v ill and I was heartbroken. Now Mum is ill and I'm her carer. And all hubby and everyone sees is a very tired fed up person. Meanwhile they're on holidays. They go out on meals together. Lucky them wish I could.

I noticed a few words few replies back ''We are from different cultures''

That may well be where many of the problems stem- your culture being very difficult.

There is no culture in this world that ha the right to dictate what you do or don't do. You have as much right to stay away from your M IN Law if you cant get on, as your M in law has to refrain from visting your mother. Nothing in common = no need for a friendship/relationship.

Grow up and build yourself stronger shell, its not personal, just different to what you maybe used to. If she is okay with everyone else, maybe you do need to change

Sounds exactly like my MIL, always making sarcastic comments, often with actually saying anything nasty, but then showed her true colours as you say. She walked out on her kids when my Husband was 7, went of with another man. Shes had plenty of run ins with other family members, as long as we said how many cm when she said jump all was fine. She took over my wedding, we allowed it for the sake of peace, but 7 years ago she went too far, got accused by other family members of making up stuff about her, i.e. that she didnt come to a wedding, she said she did, well, every guest and the registrar can confirm that she wasnt there! Got accused of trying to make out she had dementia, my Hubby said that is it, and we cut all ties with all his imediate family, best thing we ever did, should have done it years ago. Interestingly, they never had a good word to say about her, nor them, behind each others back, but are thinking she will pass away one day and leave them her money.