To feel really angry at my MIL and want to avoid her at all costs

[Fedupd0tcom]

Hi everyone.

I'm just feeling very alone right now and have just had enough.

I just can't deal with my MIL and I never want to see her again! There, I've said it.

My DH knows but obvs he adores her cos she's his Mum and my LO adores her too. They see her when I'm at work. She makes a point of only seeing them when I'm at work.

For the past few years she's been the most hurtful MIL to me. She was alright with me before I married her son. Then she revealed her true colours. Annoyingly I'm the only person who's seen them. My DH always takes her side and says I'm over sensitive and she gets like a house on fire with her other DILs, except me. So everyone thinks I'm the one with the problem. But am I? AIBU?

I've tried being nice. Waste of time.

Am now going to vent even more.

When we first got married she'd come on most of our holidays with us. She'd ensure my DH would be out with her on a Sun...I was invited but she knew I couldn't as I had to work that day. I'd often spend that day alone.

Then she turned extra weird after our LO was born. Basically forced me into BF. Wouldn't give LO some top up formula when I was taking a desperate nap. Then made constant digs. Comparing me to all the other new mums we knew. Showering them all with praise but has never once, in many years, had anything positive to say about me as a Mum.

Then she'll never see my LO and I on our day off. Mostly because I've moaned to my DH that she let's FIL smoke and drink to excess in house and she should encourage him to get help. She enables him. Then we had a massive row a few years ago. My late Dad was v ill and needed lots of help and my Mum was getting v ill also and only I could help them. So she told me we'd be leaving him in a care home 'to die' if we put him in one. I've never ever forgiven her. My is now terminally ill and she rarely asks how she is. When we said we may have to move in with her as she needs care her response 'that's a v bad idea as she's a very rude person'....i'd only just lost my Dad and we had a stand up row over it. Since then we barely speak unless we have to. We are civil but I find it difficult to be around her.

Then I worry she's turned family against us. My BILs rarely see us. They never remember my bday...I'll cook a meal at ours and hold dinner parties for them and don't even get a bday wish on my bday. Maybe I'm being silly. dh thinks so.

Final straw came when mil went on about sil who recently joined our family being so 'slim and beautiful' on her wedding day. Sure barely mentioned how I looked on my wedding day...though i am fat so i suppose she thinks I looked appalling and I probably did. I'm the only fat one in the family. Her and her mum love to go on about how my SILs are 'so nice and slim'.

She rarely offers to babysit or help with my Mum. I just feel she is selfish.

Now on Sun I have to go to BILs bday bash. Make food for it. I've gotten gifts etc. dh asked me too. I feel v upset. Don't want to go. None of Dh brothers and sils even sent me a card. And not 1st time. Fed up. They all dislike me. Never see me. Fed up. They're all team mil. I can't stand her.

OK OP, you've learn your lesson regarding the AIBU board.
If you have any relationship problems, and MIL is included in that, then post on the 'relationships' board.
AIBU is great but it is far harsher over here!

Why? So people will tell her that her DH is abusive and to LTB despite zero evidence to back it up?

The OP is not coping. She sounds generally unhappy and it's impossible to tell how much is just PND/trauma vs a nightmarish family. The best thing is to get counselling to get some perspective, not to start playing the blame game.

The OP is not coping. She sounds generally unhappy
Exactly and on the Relationships board she will be treated more sympathetically.
We can all see OP has had a hard time but you can see, and so can I, that there is a lot more to this and over there it would just be handled better.

nanny how is your mil and the OPs mil exactly the same?

If your fil is a heavy drinker he has probably distanced himself over the years. Living with a pisshead is no fun op and your mil has probably given up at this point

Or im sure he'll think I'm am absolute b** and leave me.

You say that like it's a bad thing...

If he'd leave because you won't do something that make you so unhappy, then let him go.

Hi OP. I've inly read your first few posts. I'm pleased she encouraged you to continue breastfeeding. That's pretty awesome of her actually. But I still hate her.... Let me explain.

Let her see your DH when you're at work. And be thankful you get to skip seeing her! Why spend time with awful people who clearly try to avoid you??

Yore the only one who can see her adverse behaviour and your DH thjnks you're being over sensitive. Ok, maybe she can pick up that you can see her nasty ways and she probably continues in purpose. Your husbands attitude is a problem, huge problem. He's not taking your feelings seriously nor putting them first. He agreed to forsake all others when he married you, and that includes mummy dearest.

She came in all your holidays 🙄 Nightmare. But why agree to it? So you didn't look like a bitch? Well one of you will have to be pissed off. You or her. Why are you and your husband putting her happiness and needs before your own?? Because you and husband let that happen. She picks on you a bit over other DILs? You've no idea what tripe DH is feeding her. He's probably throwing you under a bus at every opportunity or moaning about you to her. Or maybe he isn't. But it's entirely possible??

She's never praised your mother skills. Why should she? Why are you seeking her approval? Stuff her and her shitty opinions. You're doing an awesome job as a mother. It doesn't matter what she thinks.

She said hurtful things about your family and doesn't help out. You host meals For her. Stop the info train. Stop telling her about your parents. Then she can't say hurtful things. And it's your mum and dad why should MIL help out? So she can see how ill they are and widen her abuse target to you? She doesn't have to help out. It's not her responsibility either. Stop cooking her meals and buying presents and making food. DROP THE ROPE! Drop it right now. It's DHs family. He can cook for them and buy them presents.

Calling other DILs slim is a very passive aggressive of her. Not nice. Ignore it. It's childish. Learn to love yourself.

Stop trying to please this woman. You won't ever please her. Whatever you do won't be good enough. And the only person who will suffer is you. Stop doing it all and live for yourself and your kids and people who care. Id also consider cou selling for you and DH. He needs to be on side. Cut the umbilical cord to mummy.

Thank you WiMoChi. You're right...I need to stop trying to make her like me. There's no point. The cooking etc will stop...now x

Hi Op, you had a tough time on here! I picked up that you are really low. I am glad that you are going to stop hosting people that don't deserve it!

Tell your husband how low you are and see if he will help you gain some more happiness in your life..

Re your MIL, try to disengage, don't give her information about your life, it will be used against you.

Best Wishes

Hi op. I can see you are very low,however while you mil is not great,and not even ok in some cases you mentioned she's not that bad either. Some things jumped out at me reading your posts, that your oh makes you do things,that you're afraid he'd leave you if you say no,and most importantly that it's only going to be you and ds once your mum is gone. No mention of oh. You sound very lonely and i do wonder if he's actually part of the problem rather than mil. You also sound a bit insecure and low self esteem and quite frankly beaten down. Even on here you were quick to doubt yourself,backtrack,shirt bursts of anger and then mellow again. Do you find yourself doing this in real life as well? Why do you think that is? Did you get any help to deal with your past and your pnd? You sound so so low,please consider seeing your gp. It can help you get stronger and see things better. To find your voice and your courage. Then you can rationally look at your life and decide if you have a mil problem or a dh problem. I'm inclined to think it's the second ,but you know better.

Hi youshouldcancelthecheque I did tell him how low I am. I've seen gp to get help and had some counselling. Two counsellors with v different perspectives. One who said my MIL should be avoided and I should just concentrate on rebuilding or tbf building my marriage. Then another that admitted both my Mum and my MIL were troublesome but I had anger problems and it was my fault and I had to build bridges. Then I couldn't go because my Mum got v v ill and we're only just picking up the pieces and readjusting to that.

RebelRogue...sadly I think you're right...it's dh....if I felt he loved me and wasn't just with me for our lo or because he takes me for granted then maybe id not see things the way I do. I don't feel he ever praises me to them or sticks up for me about things. Even when his Mum commented on my Mum he didn't stand up for me just said 'both of you stop'...in fact it was my Mils best friend who stuck up for me....but not dh

Fedup it does sound frustrating for you but at the heart of your frustration is definitely unrealistic expectation. You do not say what cultures your are both from but in my culture parents meet at weddings, christenings and under 4 year old grand children birthday parties and anything more would be decidedly odd. Not saying your cultural expectations are remotely odd but the are different enough to be causing you huge issues.

You have also blown some issues way out of proportion like the formula issue. It was absolutely not your mils place to give your mostly BF baby a bottle of formula that was yours or your DHs to do.

In my own family a quick what's app/Facebook message normally suffices for a birthday unless it is a big one. You seem to want bells and whistles.

It really is the old adage here

'When all else fails lower your expectations'

No advice, OP, but the fact that you are capable of taking contrary opinions on board speaks well of you and your emotional intelligence.

Op, I think you are probably expecting a different kind of relationship with your IL's than they expect. I notice that you are from a different culture and from your posts I infer that you come from a culture where families are very close when you marry into them. This isn't the experience that I have or many people that I know. I have been married once and been in a long term relationship. Both times I have only really seen family on childrens birthdays and xmas, except for MIL and FIL who I may have seen a little more often. Bil's and sil's, I see rarely. I guess what I am trying to say is that marriage, in itself, doesn't necessarily equate to everyone being besties. I think you should give yourself ba break and not expect too much from them and you won't feel so hurt.

You're right. I certainly need to lower my expectations. After a decade and a half I should have really....but tbh it isn't about the bdays. It's the feeling disliked. It's my mil saying we all must go to the other dil bday meal but never once coming to any I've had in 14yrs because it's 'for young ppl' but goes to every1 elses.....even though theirs have also been for their friends

Not once has my hubby said anything to her. I'm not against her going to her other dil bday thing....but then if she doesn't come to mine...and they all ignore mine... and they decline any invites over and only see my hubby when I'm at work....am I supposed to think they like me or want to see me? I have made so much effort. Its pointless.

OP she is perfect. Neither are you.

You sound so down. You think that anything she say a is a slight against you.

I think you may have some valid points about her. But a lot is over reaction on your part. Probably down to you feeling so down.

But you don't seem to know what you want from her. You dont Want anything to do with her, but complain she doesn't spend time with you. If she feels she can't do anything right, she won't want to spend time with you. You feel the same, your op is about not seeing her anymore. So surely you can understand that.

Your expectations are too high. You may be even transferring your anger towards your dh to your mil.

I wouldn't spend time with someone who openly disliked me, just because they were married to a someone I was related to.

I think you need counselling. Perhaps alone and with dh. Then decide how to tackle the mil situation.

Sorry. She isnt perfect

I think you're right....i need to go back to a counsellor....though they all take her side and make me feel worse

You said one told you it was her? Not that they would know taut since they only heard your side?

One did....but also said i needed to set boundaries and make sure I set aside sacrosanct family time for dh and lo. Unfortunately I'm now a carer so that's not happening and I don't understand how my dh is even with me. Not that I ever knew why. It was always 'i love you'...when I'd ask why he'd just say 'cos i do'. But then that's my issue. I'll admit a lot of how i feel is down to my self repulsion and jealousy issues. I want to be the happy go lucky, slim, energetic mother and wife. But instead I'm just tired and have had enough. Some days I just think I should go away forever and they'd all be better without me. I'm not a good mother or role model. I'm too tired to be a good wife. I'm too tired to help my Mum.....I'm just too tired.

Get a calendar, pop it on the wall, clearly mark out all the birthdays. You sort your family and DH sorts his. You need to stop inviting her and make other arrangements whenever they have a get together. It's crappy being on the receiving end of this kind of thing but you'll feel a massive weight off your shoulders when you just stop trying with them.

Op..do you feel like you deserve love? That you deserve to be respected and appreciated? Do you feel that you deserve to be happy?

OP - do you recognise yourself in this description?

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Borderline-personality-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

I wouldn't say I deserve anything. Only bad things. My LO is the most precious blessing...my angel...I don't deserve her. Or the kindness my parents showered me with. But I crave for my husband and his family to like me...just think I'm a good person....i don't feel that way anymore. I know it's my fault. I'm stressed and they've to tread on eggshells around me. They would probably have a party if I left.