To feel really angry at my MIL and want to avoid her at all costs

[Fedupd0tcom]

Hi everyone.

I'm just feeling very alone right now and have just had enough.

I just can't deal with my MIL and I never want to see her again! There, I've said it.

My DH knows but obvs he adores her cos she's his Mum and my LO adores her too. They see her when I'm at work. She makes a point of only seeing them when I'm at work.

For the past few years she's been the most hurtful MIL to me. She was alright with me before I married her son. Then she revealed her true colours. Annoyingly I'm the only person who's seen them. My DH always takes her side and says I'm over sensitive and she gets like a house on fire with her other DILs, except me. So everyone thinks I'm the one with the problem. But am I? AIBU?

I've tried being nice. Waste of time.

Am now going to vent even more.

When we first got married she'd come on most of our holidays with us. She'd ensure my DH would be out with her on a Sun...I was invited but she knew I couldn't as I had to work that day. I'd often spend that day alone.

Then she turned extra weird after our LO was born. Basically forced me into BF. Wouldn't give LO some top up formula when I was taking a desperate nap. Then made constant digs. Comparing me to all the other new mums we knew. Showering them all with praise but has never once, in many years, had anything positive to say about me as a Mum.

Then she'll never see my LO and I on our day off. Mostly because I've moaned to my DH that she let's FIL smoke and drink to excess in house and she should encourage him to get help. She enables him. Then we had a massive row a few years ago. My late Dad was v ill and needed lots of help and my Mum was getting v ill also and only I could help them. So she told me we'd be leaving him in a care home 'to die' if we put him in one. I've never ever forgiven her. My is now terminally ill and she rarely asks how she is. When we said we may have to move in with her as she needs care her response 'that's a v bad idea as she's a very rude person'....i'd only just lost my Dad and we had a stand up row over it. Since then we barely speak unless we have to. We are civil but I find it difficult to be around her.

Then I worry she's turned family against us. My BILs rarely see us. They never remember my bday...I'll cook a meal at ours and hold dinner parties for them and don't even get a bday wish on my bday. Maybe I'm being silly. dh thinks so.

Final straw came when mil went on about sil who recently joined our family being so 'slim and beautiful' on her wedding day. Sure barely mentioned how I looked on my wedding day...though i am fat so i suppose she thinks I looked appalling and I probably did. I'm the only fat one in the family. Her and her mum love to go on about how my SILs are 'so nice and slim'.

She rarely offers to babysit or help with my Mum. I just feel she is selfish.

Now on Sun I have to go to BILs bday bash. Make food for it. I've gotten gifts etc. dh asked me too. I feel v upset. Don't want to go. None of Dh brothers and sils even sent me a card. And not 1st time. Fed up. They all dislike me. Never see me. Fed up. They're all team mil. I can't stand her.

I don't know anymore. I think all of you are right. Thanks for the clarification.

I think the crux of these situations is not wanting to either upset the apple cart and or - seem like a bitch.
Sometimes both these things need to be done some times if you have someone in your life who massively over steps boundaries. Of course if your DH can stick up for you this is ideal if not...you have to choose whats more important to you.

Seeming like a nice person to people who do not care about you or respect you, or putting a stop the abuse.

I actually wasn't exclusively bfing because hospital had to give lo top up when she was born as I couldn't produce the milk she needed. I tried but it wasn't happening and I needed to nap at that point because I had no milk left. I was heartbroken not to exclusively bf....i did manage to bf for 1yr but always had to give 1 top up a day since LO was born. Everytime I mentioned, in the midst of abscesses and mastitis and everything that can go wrong going wrong I was told 'oh but u can't do that. She'll end up an overweight formula fed baby'. But you're right. I am oversensitive. It's nice no one is on my side here though

Thank you Roses

But you're right. I am oversensitive. It's nice no one is on my side here though

With the best will in the world, that sort of comment doesn't help your case.

You sound oversensitive and childish.

You sound like you've had enough but are too worn out and pushed into a corner to do anything about it.

I think you have, unfortunately got into one of those situations that you have become so hyper sensitive that you see everything that your MIL does or says as a personal attack on yourself. You know perceive yourself as hated by the whole family.

I'm sure there are things that she says or does that, quite rightly, you disagree with. Agree to disagree. Some of the situations you describe seem to be more of a case of you looking for evil intent. She goes out with your DH on Sundays's, as you work then, yet you then say you are left alone? Your SIL's are slim & pretty, perhaps you saw criticism of yourself, that wasn't intended.

Dh can't drive and it's too far away. By my mil helping with my Mum i mean call her and ask her how she is occasionally. Maybe pop in and say hi. Not actually care for her. Just be friendly and kind. That is all.

You sound childish and like your expectations are too high. Also that anything said about anyone isn't really about them, it's a way of getting at you.

If you didn't want her to come on holiday, you should have said so. Many mils go on holidays with their adult children.

What your husband does while you are at work, isn't really anything to do with you. Unless it's sleeping with another woman or something.

She didn't force you to breast feed at all. The fact that your BIL didn't do anything for your birthday is their problem, not your mils.

And if it's true that everyone in the family doesn't like you, may be you do need to calm down and re-evaluate everything.

Brightnorthernlights...i think you are spot on.

I think maybe you need to look at your relationship if you DH would leave you for not going somewhere.

My MIL has never offered to babysit but I haven't asked her either. Also, how would she give your baby a top up whilst your in bed if she never watches DC?

Also, breastfed cannot be forced unless she was literally holding you down and putting DC on you..!

Dh can't drive and it's too far away. By my mil helping with my Mum i mean call her and ask her how she is occasionally. Maybe pop in and say hi. Not actually care for her. Just be friendly and kind. That is all.

My parents get on with my pil. My mum still wouldn't be popping in or calling her. What they are doing (ie asking you occasionally) is perfectly normal.

Also I have been with OH 10yrs. I don't think mil has ever text or called in on my mum. Is it a thing that MILs become BFF just because your on a relationship? I must have missed that one

Branofthemist....it's not my mils fault re the bdays. In some ways I couldn't care less. But I'm obvs gonna be hurt when I feel noone likes me. They've even stopped calling my dh to things. The Sundays thing....I never stopped him going but was sad I couldn't. I had to work overtime from home...i also wanted to go with them but couldn't because work was crazy at the time. I'm glad he went with her. Yes, i concede I'm being childish over the Sundays. It's right he went with her.

Sorry but some of your comments sound so, so immature. You don't actually have to do anything. Nobody forced you to breastfeed, that's very odd.. You're an adult in control of yourself and your choices. If you don't want to spend time with someone, just don't. If you partner kicks off that's up to him. It's that simple.

Maybe you should meet with your MIL, woman to woman and just talk it out? There is nothing wrong with her complimenting your SIL's appearance on her wedding day of course but if she's constantly making pointed comments about everybody else while ignoring your qualities, that sounds deliberate. It's also strange to me that she makes a point of seeing your family at a time when you're not around.

But just reading this I feel like if there is a problem, it's with your husband. If it's true that you make an effort with his family and they make none with you, your husband is the connection and he should be supporting you a lot better. I know in some marriages - like that of my parents - the wife is expected to 'take care' of these things but your husband should not be asking you to buy gifts for his brother or make food for a party if he knows they don't bother to acknowledge you on your birthday.

I think that maybe you are being sensitive to certain things but it doesn't sound healthy - unless there's something you haven't told us - that your husband is allowing his family to make you feel this way.

Actually it sounds like you husband is your problem, you have become hyper sensitive and tbh I can see why. Does he ever have your back? Does it always feel like it's you against them?

Tell him you're not going and if he leaves you over it then you've probably had a lucky escape more than anything else.

Well he'd best learn to drive pretty quick.
You are not a chauffeur!
I would imagine there's a lot more to this than you have written and you are worn down by it.
Does your DH support you at home?
Do his share of housework, nappy changes, looking after LO etc....?
Do you get free time to do a hobby or just go for a walk on your own?

i don't think you are over-sensitive, but I think the problem does like with your DH as WetPaint and others have said. My MiL and BiL were exactly like this, DH sided with them. Its not unusual. What happens then is up to you - is your DH generally controlling and uncaring?

I've been with DH for 15 years. PIL have seen/spoken to my parents 3 times. YABU.

You admit you are seeing slights where non exist. Perhaps you BIL have picked up on your attitude to mil (she can't do anything right) and don't like how you treat their mother.

Is there a way you can wipe the slate clean?