To feel really angry at my MIL and want to avoid her at all costs

[Fedupd0tcom]

Hi everyone.

I'm just feeling very alone right now and have just had enough.

I just can't deal with my MIL and I never want to see her again! There, I've said it.

My DH knows but obvs he adores her cos she's his Mum and my LO adores her too. They see her when I'm at work. She makes a point of only seeing them when I'm at work.

For the past few years she's been the most hurtful MIL to me. She was alright with me before I married her son. Then she revealed her true colours. Annoyingly I'm the only person who's seen them. My DH always takes her side and says I'm over sensitive and she gets like a house on fire with her other DILs, except me. So everyone thinks I'm the one with the problem. But am I? AIBU?

I've tried being nice. Waste of time.

Am now going to vent even more.

When we first got married she'd come on most of our holidays with us. She'd ensure my DH would be out with her on a Sun...I was invited but she knew I couldn't as I had to work that day. I'd often spend that day alone.

Then she turned extra weird after our LO was born. Basically forced me into BF. Wouldn't give LO some top up formula when I was taking a desperate nap. Then made constant digs. Comparing me to all the other new mums we knew. Showering them all with praise but has never once, in many years, had anything positive to say about me as a Mum.

Then she'll never see my LO and I on our day off. Mostly because I've moaned to my DH that she let's FIL smoke and drink to excess in house and she should encourage him to get help. She enables him. Then we had a massive row a few years ago. My late Dad was v ill and needed lots of help and my Mum was getting v ill also and only I could help them. So she told me we'd be leaving him in a care home 'to die' if we put him in one. I've never ever forgiven her. My is now terminally ill and she rarely asks how she is. When we said we may have to move in with her as she needs care her response 'that's a v bad idea as she's a very rude person'....i'd only just lost my Dad and we had a stand up row over it. Since then we barely speak unless we have to. We are civil but I find it difficult to be around her.

Then I worry she's turned family against us. My BILs rarely see us. They never remember my bday...I'll cook a meal at ours and hold dinner parties for them and don't even get a bday wish on my bday. Maybe I'm being silly. dh thinks so.

Final straw came when mil went on about sil who recently joined our family being so 'slim and beautiful' on her wedding day. Sure barely mentioned how I looked on my wedding day...though i am fat so i suppose she thinks I looked appalling and I probably did. I'm the only fat one in the family. Her and her mum love to go on about how my SILs are 'so nice and slim'.

She rarely offers to babysit or help with my Mum. I just feel she is selfish.

Now on Sun I have to go to BILs bday bash. Make food for it. I've gotten gifts etc. dh asked me too. I feel v upset. Don't want to go. None of Dh brothers and sils even sent me a card. And not 1st time. Fed up. They all dislike me. Never see me. Fed up. They're all team mil. I can't stand her.

If all my baggage and I would do a flying jump.

OP my mum was diagnosed with BPD. She has a habit of think everyone hates her and is against her because she feels like that she acts in ways towards people that push them away.

So it ends up coming true. People end up not liking her or wanting to be around her because of the way she acts. It's vicious cycle.

Could that be happening here?

Maybe. I'd not be surprised.

You have to start by loving yourself, OP. Now you are blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong and that cannot possibly be true.

My own MIL used to say that nobody is a little gold coin for everyone to love them and that is so true. Just because you don't gel with your inlaws does not mean that it is anyone's fault.

Hi there, I just way to send you some warm words. People can be very unkind online. Your MIL doesn't sound awfully nice and I'm not surprised you don't like her. It must be very lonely. I would go to the event and as someone suggested bake a laxative cake. If people are mean - ask 'why are you being mean to me' and brave it out. It sounds like you're being so bullied that you don't trust yourself any more - awful gas lighting. Poor you. Take a book on Sunday. Play with your child. Don't 'try' with them. Keep telling yourself you are valuable and important, never mind what they think. Look after yourself. ps I don't like the sound of your husband, it sounds like he's ganging up on you too.

BPD is something that can happen as a response to childhood abuse. It's no one's fault. There is help available if it's something you're struggling with.

Please don't be pushed into thinking there's something wrong with you. If your self-esteem has been chipped away so badly anyone would be unhappy and self-doubting. It's why we avoid (if we can) toxic people - remove the trigger, and the unhappiness goes away. If only you could stay away from these folk, just for a short time, or stand up to them. You might get a chink of self-esteem back, and from little seedlings, trees can grow :)

It's really difficult to tell if your behaviour is pushing people away.

Or they are genuinely awful. I think you need counselling so you can figure it out.

You don't know what you want from mil, or why the situation has got this bad.

I can't find if you answers this, but when your dh begged his mum to give the baby a bottle feed and let you sleep, why didn't he feed the baby himself? Sorry to push the point, but it may answer wether your husband is a bit of a shit or not.

I wouldn't say I deserve anything. Only bad things.

And that i would say is your main problem. Not your oh and mil,even though they are not great. But you don't like yourself and are looking for approval and validation from other people,while at the same time becoming a self fulfilling prophecy when you don't get it. Even the lack of any comment you take it as a bad comment to you ,because that's how you feel about yourself. It's almost like you're looking to confirm the low opinion you have about yourself,and when you go looking you will find....especially since mil doesn't sound particularly nice.
You really need to work on yourself,learn to love yourself scars,past,baggage and all. Only then can you properly look at your other relationships and see them for what they are and work on them. Even if you removed mil from your life,those feelings would still be there,and you would still find a way to use it against yourself.

I think your user name says a lot. It sounds to me like this is a lot more than your MIL. Apart from your parents do you have other family or close friends because it sounds like you want your ILs to be these things. You just sound low and lonely. You need to stop thinking about disappearing or flying off somewhere. Try keeping a daily journal of how you are feeling and maybe share it with DH. Maybe he doesn't understand how you feel. Sometimes when you put it on paper it makes more sense. If you really want that relationship with your MIL you could sit down and talk. Tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels towards you especially if she was okay with you in the past.
Try to remember what you and DH used to do together and what you liked in him and do those things.
I hope it works out for you.

I think you've had a hard time here

1. Not normal for her to always go on holiday with you when first married.

1. New mums are sensitive. Not fair to be going on about how well others are doing without saying something nice to you.

1. Horrible thing to say about your Dad going into a care home- totally unsupportive. Same with your mum. Must be so hard for you anyway. Would be fine to acknowledge that it may be hard...but not to say it's a bad idea. She's your mum!

1. Give up wanting to spend time with her. This almost sounds like 'she's just not that into you'. Stop caring she is who she is....back right off.

1. I'm sure you don't look appalling! Try not to act like you think that! It sounds contrived but do you get time to feel good about yourself, eg get hair done etc. you sound like you have a lot on.

1. Don't expect her to care about your mum. Yes babysitting would be helpful. However, cut her out the equation- can you sort childcare elsewhere?

1. Put minimal effort into gifts eg order something on Amazon buy whiskey when you are at the shop anyway- stick it in a wine bag or let your husband sort.

1. Don't cook for them unless you enjoy this. You are not a drudge and have nothing to prove.

Go out or just meet for drinks. Or do a BBQ and your husband can do it.

1. Don't go to the party. Make an excuse even if at this stage you need to lie to your husband. If he can't get there he'll need to get a taxi.

10. Breastfeeding- hard to say if not there. Poss a pattern of her not giving an inch of compassion. Poss encouraging you to keep going.

In case you didn't know, if you posted this on 'relationships' you would get very different (polar opposite) responses.
The truth would prob be somewhere in between.

Take care

Dear OP. You sound so low and you are unbelievably hard on yourself. You need to start taking back a little control. Do not make food for Sunday. Tell DH you're not going, it will only make you miserable, so what is the point. Your DH can get a lift, share a cab, catch a train. Go and spend the day with your mum. Who could deny you such a valid reason for missing a birthday.

You also need to re-think your expectations. You are not going to have the relationships you expected with his family. If you carry on down this path you will keep getting hurt. Stop buying sending gifts, if your DH wants to then it's up to him. You do not have to go to every occasion.

I too, have a MIL that excels in little digs but I have toughened up. I smile and say nothing. I suggest DH visits her with the kids as it gives me a chance to catch up on things. Step away but do it ever so sweetly that she doesn't notice.

Enjoy spending the time you have left with your mum but don't expect MIL to get involved, babysit, stop being rude or sing your praises that way you will not be disappointed. You don't need her approval but you do need to be a bit nicer to yourself.

OP hugs my dear xxx some of the replies on here have been very harsh I don't agree with them at all . I do think you may be feeling bad about yourself bc of low self esteem from your weight and your df dying and dm being very ill and you having to cope with it all . It is very sad for you and for others not to see how hard this is seems cruel . I think you need to get counselling asap and one that thinks you are right after all that is who they shoud be supporting YOU!

Unless it happened that I really liked my dd's mil - should she ever have one - if we absolutely clicked, I wouldn't presume to contact her except in dire circumstances.

I can see that your expectations of your marriage aren't quite in sync with the reality of it. Is your dh aware of how different things are in your culture? Have you sat him down and really told him? He can say that that's not normal or whatever, but it doesn't change the fact that the difference has made you feel unwelcome, disliked, and very very lonely and unsupported. He needs to know you feel like this.

The there's a chance you can both together change things so that you begin to feel more at ease with the reality you're facing.

I have tried on numerous occasions to discuss the cultural differences. He often just goes straight into defensive mode and has never heard me out about it once. He just will yell at me and walk off. Thing is I get them not doing certain things. But I get hurt he won't hear me out and offer reassurance. He doesn't even need to say anything to them. But if he tried to reassure me...that would help so much

And even if he would say 'thanks for doing x y z' but he doesn't. If I felt HE appreciated it....he says nothing. Then I start to feel taken for granted....and just so hurt and alone.

I'm v naive. I had a lonely childhood. No one to play with and parents who couldn't be present emotionally as much as I needed, due to their own issues. I used to dream that one day I'd have a close family of my own. But I'm more lonely than ever. My best friends have all had to move far away because of jobs/family commitments. My own family also lives far away and we're not close. I have no brothers or sisters. I guess I hoped my bils and their wives would see me as their sister. Pathetic, delusional...I know. But believe me for 14 yrs I've tried....they're never gonna see me as that.

OP, some of the earlier posts are very harsh and lack any empathy or understanding of your situation. You have had very tough times to deal with and simply expected some support from your mil. I don't think this is unreasonable, I consistently received criticism from my mil, but luckily for me I wasn't dealing with anything else at the time (although it did hurt that dh wouldn't accept how mean she was to me). I learnt to just accept she is who she is but it took a long time. You can't change people. My husband will never accept that his mum hasnt been nice but then again she's not that nice to him IMO (he acts like a child around her).

I don't know the best advice for you, but firstly just accept she is a horror, secondly be as nice as you can (without putting pressure on yourself) to her and rest of family. Don't make too much effort to be nice to her. 😀

Sending you some very unMumsnetty hugs, OP, and . I'm in a rather similar situation -- lost DM three years ago, DF fast declining, and I am a LP trying to hold it all together with no support. (XH now lives abroad.) It's a lonely place to be.

Based on my experience, all I can suggest is that you fake it until you make it. Do the pseudo-happy. Be polite, not warm but civil, and be UPBEAT. Tell bitch MIL that you're so glad she's come over to take DGC out for the day as that gives you a chance to race off and catch up with friends!!!! So happy! And then -- race off before they can steal your sunshine. Take the day off, get a massage, do a gym class, make yourself feel good. You sound both isolated and concerned about your weight. Is there a local walking group you could join? A gym with a good trainer who could help you get fit? An advanced cooking class, if you like cooking?

Good luck, OP. and DO NOT go to that horrible-sounding party. You have somewhere else you need to be.

I don't understand why you expect that your mother in law should help you look after your mother? That's a bit of a strange thing to complain about. It's like you are adding problems on between you and her that shouldn't really exist. The same goes for getting her to babysit, why??? You don't like her and by the sound of things you never have so why would you expect her to look after your baby/ child?

Spending a work day alone is also confusing. If you are meant to be working then what's the issue?

I still can't work out what the mil has done That's so bad.

It seems to be more about the op and how she feels about herself and the state of her marriage. The OP seems to have high expectations of her in laws and is laying a lot of blame on them.

She won't answer why her dh just didn't feed the baby himself and blames the mil for barging in and waking her up. Maybe the mil thought the Op would be upset if she fed her a bottle. Imagine the aibu 'I had a nap and woke up and mil had fed my breastfed baby a bottle'.

Or maybe the mil was pissed off her own son was stood by not doing anything while his baby was hungry. Why would even be her decision on how or what the baby is fed?

So it impossible to even judge wether the mil was being a bitch by waking her up.

Yes the OP seems down. That's still not the Mils fault. It's even hard to see if the DH is just the type that will always side with his mum, or wether he thinks the OP is genuinely in the wrong.

Emotional responses? 14 years I've put up with this situation....that is worsening and not getting better....apart from telling mil twice that she was being v mean I have been v civil and polite. I don't think that means I have bpd!! Yes I'm angry that some of you are frankly borderline trolls. I expected some empathy. Thanks to those posters who provided it. Yes I'm depressed...because of my parents situation. Yes I had high expectations...I expected some support from my family...I never in a million years think that's unreasonable. Some of you obviously don't have very good family relationships...I feel sorry for you. No wonder you all have such low expectations!! I don't to it's unfair to expect some support from family when you're going through a tough time. Gruffalo woman....take your cynicism elsewhere or in reporting you....