AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

Not that it matters but how old are you, which age range are you in?
Over 20?
Over 30?
Over 40?

Would just help me understand if you are recently out of your teens or not because not many adults have never had a relationship

If there's one thing I wish I could tell my twenty-something self it's that there are no medals for being unhappy in a relationship in order to make the other person 'fine'. This man doesn't sound particularly happy, and ultimately, his happiness is up to him. Your happiness IS under your control, and you're allowed to end this, and free yourself to find something better - and that includes being on your own for a while.

Get your anxiety, and your health, sorted out as your priority. Don't expend any more time or energy trying to fix a man who can't even see what needs fixing in himself.

Run, don't walk

I am 27.

Yes, I know it's very sad that my first serious relationship started when I was 26.

I had a couple of boyfriends before this, but not serious and not even worth mentioning.

I am told that I am pretty, smart and a nice person- but for some reason I haven't really had much luck with men.

It's not sad
Most people have a few relationships where they wish they had never met the person lol

It's just part of growing up and life in general

Hopefully the next guy will be someone who is worthy of your time and love

im going to go against the grain and say that he needs help, and maybe you need couples counselling. Tell him that you are worried about the future of the relationship. The miserliness surely he can work on, and you can just ask him to pay his way

I think couples counselling can be great for relationships where both parties genuinely want to work past problems and make things stronger, but if one part knows deep down that they're miserable and it's over, going to counselling only builds that sense of guilt that you should stay to help the other person. Because you've paid lip service to wanting to.

If you want to end the relationship, do it. You don't really need any 'reasons' other than it's not making you happy.

You are right. If I'm upset or on my period and I just don't want to be touched, he will take that personally

Is it normal that I find it very hard to accept that he is an entirely horrible person?

I have been friends with this man for 5 years, I know he isn't a monster - just someone who isn't capable of being a good boyfriend.

I still find myself feeling sorry for him.

He works 14 hour shifts, his boss is a bully and nobody in his team is friendly with him (no; it's not because he's horrible as a person, in his previous team he had a lot of friends and goodwill)

I know it's his own fault in some ways but his life is joyless- and I find it sad to stand by and watch it

Would you consider counselling for yourself OP? I really think it might be of benefit to you, both for your anxiety and to help you realise that you are worthy of much better treatment.

I'm always unhappy and moaning

Do you want this for the rest of your life?

personally I[d be more worried about the dodg y finance deals and how tht would impact on you

I think counselling will help me.

However the NHS in my area doesn't really give referrals that easily and when you get them it takes weeks or even months for an appointment/

I can't afford private care.

I have insurance through my employer, but I don't think I'll be comfortable with my employer being aware that I am getting counselling for anxiety and mental health

Was going to say you have perfect man until I read the cons
No I wouldn't stay with him

You don't need to think he's an entirely horrible person. That's unnecessary and almost nobody is entirely lovely nor horrible.

The point is that you are unhappy. He is causing that and also stopping you from getting out there and making new friends. Bin him, get new interests and build yourself a network. This takes lots of time and patience. I totally agree that some good counselling might help you unravel your own feelings about yourself.

You will be moving forward rather than desperately treading water with a deeply miserable and mean man. Ending things slowly is daft, just prolonging the agony. He will probably turn up with a bunch of carnations and you will doubt his meanness and mess up your head even more.

This is over and a clean break is far less painful.

I also think he is a user

Definitely use the private insurance to cover counselling. You would be mad not to and any sensible employer wants their staff on top of their game.

I'm sure he's not a horrible person. He's probably got some redeeming features, and he almost certainly needs some professional help to deal with issues from his childhood that are still hurting him in adult life.

I think what most people are saying is that it's not up to you, as his girlfriend, to ignore the fallout from those issues to the point where you're living a miserable existence, or to try to fix them for him, or allow your own life to become joyless in order to pay some karmic compensation.

I'd suggest going to Relate for a few sessions to talk through how to detangle yourself from this, and build a stronger sense of what you need/deserve from a relationship in future.

Matilda- carnations cost money

He will never buy me flowers

Your employer won't be aware.
It should be (and has been anywhere I have worked) completely confidential.
They shouldn't even know you have called the counselling service.
I did it years ago and got 3 free sessions.
So worth it.

I didn't know it was confidential.

I would love some therapy

I think I will really benefit from it

I second what pp said, any counselling you receive via employee assistance schemes is completely confidential and your employer would not be given your name.

Go for it!