AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

He sounds a barrel of laughs, droning on about living in a shoebox by the side of the M1

Lots of people have tough childhoods, it doesn't have to blight their whole life

The attitude to money does sound like it comes from his background. But you're his partner not his therapist. However much of a deprived childhood he had, you don't have to suck up his treatment of you and his attitude to life in general.

I completely agree it doesn't.

But at the same time, I would be sympathetic to anyone who had a deprived childhood and I guess it does impact future behaviours.

But not to the point that someone can't even spend £2 for a coffee for their gf or occasionally buy her ice cream.

That's just insulting- it makes me feel that he doesn't care for me and £2 are more important than the happiness I would get from him spending it

I just don't want to be a bad person and hurt someone who has had a shit life anyway you know? Especially someone I consider a friend

But I have no choice other than to end this.

When I brought up risky investments and said he needs to take he loss and stop them- he flat out refused/

He said he wouldn't stop at a loss even if it meant causing me anxiety and worry and risking our future together.

He "worked hard" on those investments apparently

It's his way or the highway

Lots of people have tough childhoods, it doesn't have to blight their whole life

Indeed!

Just bin him off. If his childhood is going to make him a victim his whole life then he needs to sort it out on his own. You don't need to save him.

MsConsuela unless they are completely heartless, it's not easy for anyone to make this move. Everyone (or most I'm certain) has had some worries about being physically intimate after their first sexual partner. It doesn't get easier with age, or with experience. When you find the right partner, you'll feel comfortable - without having a long list of doubts.
You need to move forward and that is indeed what you are doing now.

This man has no respect for you.

If you get lonely on your own then that means you don't know how to be on your own.

I'm not talking about the odd day which lots of people get, I'm talking about loneliness to such an extent that you are prepared to put up with this crappy lifestyle.

What does LTB mean? Or is there a list of Mumsnet acronyms that I need to mug up on?
I'm also unhappy in my relationship - but it sounds like a ball compared with your own experience. I'm afraid I'm with the others and would recommend bailing. And finding a way to build up your friends locally - or nationally! There really are plenty of fish in the sea though these days I find it's normally my local friends that I turn to more and more. It's important to have one or just a few girlfriends who you can share some fun with. I don't mind not doing much with my hubby so long as I can go out with friends.

mum there used to be a list of acronyms at the top of the page, but I don't know where its gone. LTB - leave the bastard

Expat- whenever we go out anywhere, he carries food and drinks that I might like in his bag for me.

He's indulgent and affectionate too.

When I asked him to, he cancelled a work meeting to go to the doctor's with me and he was lovely through it all.

He does have positives. And a lot of men wouldn't do the above- they wouldn't baby me the way he often does.

I am not saying this overshadows the negatives. I am just saying there are good things too.

Consuela, this man keeps track of how much kitchen roll you use in relation to him in your own home and then dictates that you must buy it. His belittles your job and your concerns about how his dodgy dealings might affect it. He cocklodges at your place and doesn't clean it up (except the kitchen) or offer to pay bills.

Do the Freedom Programme.

He won't buy you a coffee, but he carries food and drink around in his bag for you? Let me guess, you have to find a park bench to eat on?
That is not normal. You sound like his pet, not his partner.

He is a humongous wanker.

He will turn you into a husk, like a year dead fly on a dusty window ledge.

Spending all his money on risky investments sounds like he has a gambling addiction. I heard a gambler say once that his wife asked him for money to buy food and he said he had none. He had 2000 euros in his wallet but he genuinely thought he had no money as that money was for gambling. He told that story when he had come clean off gambling but he was using it to illustrate how selfish gamblers can be. You can't cure him. You can leave and have a good life. Please do.

^ that

He's telling you these things about his childhood and they may not even be true. But it suits his role as the victim even though...You are the one being hurt by his actions

Unless he has a low iq, he knows it must hurt your feelings to not buy you things

He knows what he is doing but he keeps doing it even if it hurts you

Do you ever consider that he might be laughing at you behind your back for going along with it all and letting him treat you like this?

Haven't read the whole thread but have you replied about doing counselling? You haven't decided to leave him completely so what else will help except couples counselling!!

I think he's actually a Dementor.

LTB. You don't have or want children and he's mean and a misery.

She said she doesn't want to break up with him yet because of her anxiety

I would leave him if it was me. I agree it's easier to leave when you don't have kids and have to consider their feelings as well

Leave - since you can't decide you're clearly unhappy - if you were happy you wouldn't be posting this .

I somehow thought getting him to move out first and doing it all slowly would be easier

Because of my anxiety, I need to do things slower so that I can absorb the impact better

That sounds like a good plan.
As for the poverty of his childhood causing his miserliness, I think not. One of the most miserly people I know comes from a very middle class family and went to one of the top private schools.

He sounds absolutely grim, the kitchen roll thing actually made my jaw drop. I bet your anxiety gets a whole lot better when you get rid of this joyless miserly cock lodger. Your bar is set unbelievably low, if I was you I would talk to someone about that.

Another anecdote comes to mind.

This is my first relationship so I'm not sure if I expect too much and think too much.

As I said earlier- I've been really sick recently and my energy levels are crap. I've had blood transfusion and iron transfusion and I several other serious health conditions I won't bore you with. I'm facing potentially three surgeries (not major ones, I am not dying, but still they'll each have a recovery of 2-3 weeks)

So while I soldier on and still go to work etc. I'm clearly running on will power.

It would be nice to have a bf who helped take the pressure off things at home especially if he is living witn me.

So for example, when he does the laundry- he will only do his own. Most other couples do collective laundry and take turns from what I know. I don't think it would take much for him to toss my clothes in there as well right? And it would be such a help to me.

If I tell him to do X task like changing the sheets for me, he will do it without complaining

But for some reason it doesn't occur to him naturally.

And I don't know if he should be offering to accompany me to doctors visits- he only came alone this one time and that too when I had asked him.