AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

He's sounding more and more attractive with every post - not!

How have you put up with this?

MsConsuela - pretty much all my male friends (professional, London, 30s) don't want children. Where are you that you find it impossible to meet men who don't want children?

Sweary- can I PM you my number I pass on to them?

I am very serious

Every man I meet is obsessed with having kids ugh

Op, I have a good friend who never wanted children, always told any boyfriends up front that she never wanted children even asked the Doctor to sterilise her aged 28 (Dr refused).
Roll on a few years she contacts me to tell me she is pregnant, I didn't know what to say to her, "I'm thrilled she says I've been seeing this wonderful guy, he is totally the one for me....I just wanted to have his babies"...
It happens, biology /love whatever you call it can be a very powerful thing.
What I'm trying to say is don't rule out guys because they want children, someone could love you enough to change their mind about what they want, as could you!

If he is loving as you say then he will want to work on the relationship

Suggest to him that you both go to relate

There is a small charge based on your income but if it improves your relationship then it's worth it

If he won't agree to counselling then you need to ask yourself if he really cares or is he just using you?

It sounds like he is using you so far and if he knows you want to do activities and go on dates but he won't take you then that's not very loving behaviour is it?

I agree that lots of men don't want children so he isn't unique in that

I know this sounds harsh but I cannot imagine anything worse than having kids- I love them but the idea of motherhood is suffocating.

So for me, I can't leave it open ended. I can't have kids and I need a man who is 100% ok witn it

And the things you have mentioned like a coffee or ice cream. If he won't even buy you them surely he knows it must hurt your feelings that he won't offer to pay for such cheap items

If he cared about your feelings he would offer to pay and even if he is tight it's just good manners to offer to pay

That's what I mean about being stingy with other aspects. He clearly doesn't care if you go without or are offended that he won't pay

He sounds mean

What would happen if you get engaged at some point. Would he expect you to pay for your own ring?

Kids are hard work but they do grow up.

And there is your big problem I need a man
I would rather live in a shed on my own than put up with such a vile person.
He really isn't a good friend. Do your friends treat you so badly ?
You said you asked him to leave. Its your flat, just pack his shit up in a carrier bag, and don't forget to charge him 5p for the bag

Perhaps the men you meet are saying they don't want kids as a cop-out/excuse gentle let down?

Not intended to be harsh but it does happen.
The opposite sex can say the strangest things!

That was meant to be, do want kids

because of how sick I have been recently (I had a blood transfusion and I've been to AnE a few times), my energy levels are very low. And while he does cook for me, he doesn't really help with cleaning and laundry. He does his own separately and not mine.

Also, being sick has made my anxiety issues worse because I am weaker.

I told him last night that his behaviours and the risks he is taking made me anxious and stressed to the point that I feel even sicker- I have dizziness and nausea.

Instead of understanding how his actions impacted me, he just turned around and said- "so now I make you sick- just end it then why don't you".

Ask him to go to relate

You don't seem to want to dump him even if you ask him to move out it sounds like you are still planning on seeing him so what's the point in that really

If he doesn't love you he will want to work on the relationship

Asking him to go to relate will be a good measure of how much he cares!

Actually, asking him to move out is the first step in going towards a split

I want to do it gradually because of my anxiety issues. But once he moves out, I want to end this.

Don't go to Relate, for heaven's sake. That's like getting an air freshener on a car with no wheels and a flat battery.

It can be really difficult to make the decision to leave someone if you feel a bit alone in the world and worried what's going to happen to you. But this is the wrong reason to stay with someone. The fact you're asking this question already answers it, doesn't it?

I've been in a similar situation, am not British and was living with someone who made me unhappy but didn't know what to do if we split up and did not want to go to my own country at that time. I felt very alone in the world and was afraid of leaving. Eventually, I did, and it's the best thing I ever did. Once I left the world opened up to me and I realised I had more friends than I thought, I made new friends and got a new job and three years later I met my now husband who's wonderful. Don't stay with someone who's making you unhappy. It's scary to take the jump, but trust me, you're stronger than you think and you'll get through it!

Thank you London Mama

In general, I've been very ok with being alone.

I was happy doing my thing

And then it stared to get lonely and I started to miss people around me who cared.

Now that I have someone, I am afraid of going alone again.

I know I'll handle it eventually, but right now it's a difficult process.

At least I do acknowledge what I need to do, I just have to find the courage to do it

Do it! You can do it.

I have to- it won't be easy, but it's what I need to do.

While I'm confessing things.

This man was my first sexual partner.

So that's another thing that concerns me and also deepened the bond I had with him

I still can't imagine anyone else being my first, he was lovely.

And given how reserved I am, all of it came very easily to me around him.

Now I worry about getting physically intimate with someone else. I don't know if I'll feel as comfortable.

I just don't know

You need to look into counselling. Pay privately, ask your GP for a recommendation.

Definitely leave him. Things will only get worse. The 'nice' bits of his behaviour will stop. Reading your initial post reminded me of my initial relationship with my- now ex- husband. I trusted he'd never cheat too- and the swine did, as well as loads and loads and loads of other crap. As another poster said, lots of people have crap times as kids, but they don't end up like he has. And anyone who has dodgy investments has a warped view of what is right and wrong, run, run, run for the hills.

Whatever you do, if you leave him (and you should as no one should have to put up that sort of behaviour) do not, under any circumstances have him back. He's already been treating you like c**p, and knows he can get away with it, he won't change, he'll do it again. You will find someone else. But first, you need to be happy on your own terms

For the longest time I felt like a materialistic and terrible person for feeling the way I do.

I often felt bad about how he never went out with me, bought me anything etc and that made me feel like I was someone who only cared about money.

Plus, he had a very deprived childhood. I once spent on a wick takeout and he said that was what his mum spent on her entire week's good.

When I hear these things I feel terrible.

I feel bad that he found his school bag on the street and that's what he used because he couldn't buy one.

And when I take all this into account I wonder if I am being harsh and his behaviour is a result of what has been a terribly deprived life.

Sorry for spelling errors on the earlier post-

That was meant to read- I once spent on a quick takeout and he said that was what his mum spent on a week's food.