AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

[MsConsuela]

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!

Pros-

1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell

him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.

1. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
2. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
3. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.

CONS

1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.

Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.

1. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.

Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.

1. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
2. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
3. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

So why are you still posting ?
Why a trial separation ? Why not just split up ?
Why are you so certain he won't cheat on you, when he cheated with you ?

I'm not THAT stupid- he doesn't have the keys to my place never gave him.

And the main door of the building has secure entry fob which can't be replicated, only bought. I never bought one for him

So no need to change the locks.

I think you are lying to yourself here

People who are this tight with money and possessions and also stingy with love and affection

Does it seem like he cares about you? Because it doesn't sound like he does

I'm not proud of it- but yes, we had already started developing feelings for each other while he was with his ex.

I refused to take it forward while he was still witn her though and they had been on the verge of splitting for a long time.

You are all correct, maybe he hasn't cheated due to lack of opportunity.

In the end, I suppose anyone could cheat

If the list of cons in bigger, its probably best to jump ship now.

So he lives with you, comes home from work to your place every night, but doesn't have his own key and has to be buzzed in by you, because despite all your protestations, you don't trust him enough to buy him his own front door key?

He does love me, but it's a selfish love isn't it?

He isn't stingy with affection. He's very affectionate and tactile and loving in general.

But for example when we are arguing and if I start to cry he'll never hug me and hold me even if I'm miserable then

You have posted about this situation before.

You KNOW you aren't happy, and that you deserve better.

Life is to be enjoyed and you are wasting the best years of your life with this miserable man.

Don't stay with him out of pity or guilt. He is responsible for his life/happiness and you are responsible for yours.

Get out while you can and start having some fun!

The key thing- I wasn't going to spend the £50 my LL was charging for an extra key.

And neither did he (obviously)
So I said fine, make do with being buzzed in

It is not your job to look after him or 'save' him. And its not your fault that he had a bad childhood.

quibbling over kitchen roll!

And suggesting you live together because it's the only way to see each other because of work, and never doing anything, like doormice!

So he' skint, miserable, moody, mean and controlling?
He rents a flat even though he has a shit low paid job, not only that but he can afford to send money overseas? He's doing something dodgy that may or may not be insider trading? He's got no mates and no social life, no social skills either?
Quite the catch? .

It doesn't matter if he has cheated. FFS, he's a fucking miser.

Op you are getting the same answers as last time.
Leave.
Leave before he drags you down with him.
You shouldn't be this unhappy.

Sounds more like a list of things to settle with and it's not a good list iyswim.

Try to picture your life... five, ten, twenty years from now.
You can find happiness but I very much doubt you will be happy living with the contents of this list.
Nobody is perfect but please don't settle.

In the beginning he said to me

"Are you prepared that I am not going to be the kind of boyfriend who will buy you expensive things?"

He thought I had tastes that are far too expensive.

And by expensive tastes he was referring to two things I had bought myself that day- a shampoo from Boots and a lipstick from MAC (that was a rare treat for myself anyway)

Plus, I have an iPhone which he thinks is very unreasonable.

So he told me he wasn't going to buy me anything because my tastes are too unreasonable

No, I would not stay with him.

Maybe they are?

But I never expected him to buy me an iPhone. I pay for whatever I own, I am not entitled at all.

At the same time, it's a nice gesture when your boyfriend buys you a little something (doesn't have to be expensive) to cheer you up or just as a way of saying he thought of you

why do you keep asking OP? Every single person has said to get rid.
He sounds positively and utterly repellent. What more do you need to hear?

This has been asked and answered.

You are sticking your fingers in your ears and in between the la -lal-las you're going but...but...but...

Still asked and answered. It's a miserable relationship. End it.

I don't think I've got my fingers in my ears - I've already asked him to move out.

It's what is best, I do Accept that.

But I keep sharing more info maybe because I need to hear everyone's informed opinion to keep me strong in my decision

Shampoo from boots is unreasonably expensive. Wow

CostaCoffee- he won't even ever treat me to a Costa coffee . Seriously. He won't offer to pay ever

We went to a park once and I didn't have cash for ice cream- he didn't offer to buy it for me. It costs £2

Wheat chief- I've found it impossible to find men who don't want kids