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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is no big deal?

153 replies

MelCookie · 29/06/2016 10:23

I have been working out with a personal trainer for the past few weeks, he's helped me enormously post-injury and is a nice guy. He's changed a couple of sessions for me at short notice and with no charge.

We chat during the sessions (random stuff, seems to make it hurt less!) and starting talking about books the other week.

I was ordering some books on Bookpeople the other day and needed to spend another £4 for free delivery. Had a look at some cheap books and spotted a £4.99 book (about the digital world) that I thought he'd like, so I bought it.

DH went nuts and said it was deeply inappropriate and has changed the basis of my relationship with personal trainer and has raised expectations.

I consider myself a generous and thoughtful person. I like to show appreciation and, for me, it was just a small token of appreciation.

Who is BU here?!

OP posts:
claireehmurray · 01/07/2016 11:11

Exactly. I'm beginning to see a whole train of sexist back story to most of these replies ...
I really can't see anything wrong with this.
Buying a book is a great way of spreading joy - you're not asking the bloke out ffs..
People need to review their view on how relationships are built and what constitutes "normal" because I think things are getting a little bit warped.

Helspopje · 01/07/2016 11:25

Fuck. I bought my pt some liquid chalk when I was getting some for me yesterday. Tbh, it was cause he has shit myprotein chalk and I buy proper climbing stuff that is a bazillion times better. He didn't look too put off fortunately.

OlennasWimple · 01/07/2016 15:12

Isn't the key thing in the OP that lots of pp are missing the fact that she bought the gift after "a few weeks"? Maybe I'm a repressed Brit who needs to get over it, but I would find anyone who bought me a personal gift after knowing me for such a short time either too full on or trying to get in my pants.

Totally different once you have established a relationship that may have - by mutual consent - moved into friendship territory

UnderaRock · 01/07/2016 17:44

Its not inappropriate and it's weird your dh thinks it is.

I bought gifts for my girls PT and OT. And I gave a gift to my Rabbi last week. In December I gave a Chanukah gift to my Physical Therapist.

My mom gives appreciation gifts to her boss

Muddlingthroughtoo · 01/07/2016 18:14

If he had a female PT, would you mind him buying her a gift? Lots of people can say it's no big deal but they aren't your husband who obviously is feeling a bit jealous.

Rowenag · 01/07/2016 18:15

I don't think giving him a book was inappropriate at all. Some aftershave or an expensive item like a watch would be weird/wrong but if you had a common interest and you knew he would want to read it, it was a thoughtful gesture. Saying that, I can also totally see why your husband felt jealous though. Do you often buy him thoughtful gifts too?!

GDarling · 01/07/2016 18:56

Your husband is worried about a book???
Does he know that yr trainer is often in close proximity to your nether regions or showing you how to do something hands on!!
In a room all by yourselves.....
It's terrible that now days everything is taken in such a sinister way!!
Go ahead and give him a book to say a little thank you.

Marysunshine · 01/07/2016 20:10

Doesn't seem odd to me - just a small gesture of thoughtfulness and kindness. But then I'm comfortable having both male and female friends and it doesn't seem odd to me to share the odd kindness with them.

holdinghands · 01/07/2016 20:34

So your OH is unhappy about it and you're asking if YABU? Surely your partner's opinion counts more than ours? Hmm

MoreMusicPlease · 01/07/2016 20:39

I think it's a lovely thought - although I'd probably find it a little odd if someone bought me a gift after just a few weeks. Whereas a little 'thank you' gift when the sessions were completed would be much more common and less likely to be misconstrued. I don't think your husband is being 100% reasonable to be upset about this - as you're clearly a frequent and random gift giver, but how many of us can say we're always totally reasonable all of the time? The relationship with a personal trainer is obviously quite physical and can be intimate, you're obviously attracted to men (having a husband) and the stereotype is that PTs are fit! Maybe your husband is not feeling his best and needs a bit of reassurance? Oh and I think Christmas gifts and food to share over coffee for the cleaner are totally appropriate, don't worry about that!

Lovingit81 · 01/07/2016 21:15

If your DH is uncomfortable don't do it. I understand your heart is in the right place but i think it could make things weird.

madcapcat · 01/07/2016 21:23

I don't think there's anything wrong with it particularly a book. But then my dh and I ended up inviting my pt to stay in our spare room for a bit when his relationship broke up. And I definitely didn't fancy him -just wouldn't see anyone having to stay on a park bench if I could help it! He's still a very good friend of the whole family

Sunflower30 · 01/07/2016 22:14

My partner is a personal trainer and came home tonight with a bar of chocolate after a conversation he had had with a female client at a previous session. Not inappropriate at all, it's lovely when people are so thoughtful and generous.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 01/07/2016 23:28

Well I bought our builder shortbread biscuits at Christmas, and an Easter egg (special occasions). But my husband makes him a cup of tea most days and sometimes a bacon roll (intimate?!)

So what I take from this thread is that my husband is wooing the builder? Grin

Greenyogagirl · 02/07/2016 11:33

I think it's nice, a friendly gesture of 'I saw this and thought you might like it!' Same with the cleaner I think it's a nice gesture of appreciation not 'daft' or anything.
People should be nice, we buy gifts for teachers to say thanks for doing their job but we can't thank anyone else in the same way?
It's a book at the end of the day, not a meal for two or a bottle of wine or sexy pants!
You sound like a really lovely person op don't change!!

WildRoses · 02/07/2016 14:31

Not so fast to dismiss the act of kindness. My dh is a martial arts trainer. He buys books that he thinks will help with training for students who he also regard as friends (who have become friends through training and work). I think you've acted in kindness, just be sure your PT knows its just that. I'm a jealous person but even I don't see the harm in it.

LilacInn · 02/07/2016 14:41

Lot of nutters on this thread.

OP you are fine to give the book. I wouldn't think twice about it. And your husband needs to grow up; it's not all about him.

redexpat · 02/07/2016 16:01

I think it is to the odd side of normal, the type of thing I would do, but that other people might have a problem with, hence the replies on this thread. If it is a one off then fine, but it can cause problems if others misinterpret the gesture.

SapphireStrange · 02/07/2016 16:25

I don't have a problem with this at all and am Confused that people do. It's just a thoughtful small act. Your DH needs to get a grip.

And giving your cleaning lady Christmas gifts and the odd muffin or cookie isn't 'daft' Hmm; it's another thoughtful gesture.

Deb2915 · 02/07/2016 17:31

How much would you of had to pay for postage if you didn't spend that extra £4? Could you not of just bought yourself an extra cheap book to save any agro?

Emma4991 · 02/07/2016 19:55

Why did your pt come to mind while book shopping at home? You could have bought a book for anyone if it was to get the free postage... I think its a little weird.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 02/07/2016 20:28

^ I guess the pt was the first person to come to mind looking at the selection of cheap books?

I think some people are inveterate gift givers/card writers etc. It sounds from your other terribly daft behaviour 😜 like you might be one of those OP.

It would prob make more sense to give as a thank you present at the end of the course.

Original poster
MelCookie · 05/07/2016 15:47

I've just seen all the responses (not been online for a couple of times) and am amazed it has generated so much interest! Thanks for all your replies:

The more I think about it, the more I'm totally fine with giving the book. I was just more bemused by DH reaction (which I think is more about me being overly generous).

Btw,

*There's no backstory.
*I don't fancy the PT. He's a nice guy and I appreciate him changing sessions at short notice

  • It wouldn't bother me if DH did the same thing
  • The rest of the order was made up of books for my kids and a cookery book for DM. *DH doesn't like reading, but I'm always buying him little things I think he'd like.

Am going to stick with kindness, but maybe think about how things may be construed a bit more! Smile

OP posts:
peachpudding · 05/07/2016 16:00

Sounds like how a lot of affairs start. You meet every week, get hot and sweaty together in tight lycra, lose some weight and feel more attractive, start exchanging gifts. Husband is jealous, arguments ensue, have a little moan to PT and before you know it he is giving you a 'massage' to help you recover from a hard workout.... It's all so very innocent, almost natural.

RestlessTraveller · 05/07/2016 17:00

Projecting much Peachpudding?

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